I am going to give you some cold hard facts. I'm sure she's a great girl and that she has modesty and good qualities. But as an outsider perspective, I want to show you what I see just from what you've written that perhaps you may be missing.
I once knew a girl like that (quite well) who was with a brother who thought the way you do. After he realized that she wasn't worth it, he moved on and he tells me that now, much later he's truly glad it didn't work. This is what he said to me and I will highlight to you the qualities that changed his mind in what I see from what you've written:
Basically I asked someone to marry me (all above board). She refused first explaining that she had been in a previous relationship and that she would be happy if she does not marry again. Also that I'm too good a person. I deserve someone better.:hmm: That she would hurt me if we marry. I couldn't underdstand any of it.
Then after Ramzan she agreed. I was going to meet her parents but now she is saying the samething as before. You guys are probably thinking move on.
- She is indecisive and does not know what she wants. If a girl first says no, then comes back and says yes and then when it's about to get serious with the families, she says no this is a clear sign of indecisiveness and the lack of being emotionally mature enough to make decisions. You don't want to spend your life with a girl who cannot be emotionally mature.
- She's going to raise your daughters - do you think these qualities are what you want in your kids?
- I'm not thinking move on. I'm thinking you need to figure a few things out right now. Do you really think this person is worth it? Not emotional talk (she's different to others etc), but tangible points of benefits of marrying her for your life, deen, and your future kids.
But I prayed Istikharah and I had a good feeling. I will pray it again. Also she is a good person - she worries alot and I reckon that she is still punishing herself about her relationship with another guy who she thought that she would marry.
- Istikharah isn't about feelings. It's about a decision you've made, and you ask Allah to make it work for you if good, and for it not to work if it's bad. That's all.
- I have no doubt she is a good person.
- She has emotional baggage and you need to think twice about whether you will be able to cope with for the rest of your life. These things do not go away overnight. This
will effect your marriage and you will need to be prepared to invest much more emotionally to help her out of the demons of her past.
The reason why I want to continue is that she is different to other girls. She has many qualities and doesn't try impressing others or follow society etc.
- Every single bachelor thinks the girl he likes is different than other girls. I do that, everyone does that. The point is, she's not different to other girls. She's really the same. You're just assuming she is different because you
like her. You're coming to a conclusion based on emotion and then rationalizing it by giving reasons to validate what you feel. This is an emotional judgement, not a rational one. It's not wrong, but I just want you to be aware of it.
So how can I advise her that she doesn't need to stop her life? just because she made a mistake and she has repented.
- You don't advice her. You can if you want, but I very much doubt it will have much of an effect. The reason is because you're speaking two different languages here. Your point is a rational one, completely valid, but her attachment to her past is an emotional one. You'll need to let it be. She has issues and she will need to work them out.
What do I say to her to convince her that she is OK to marry me? I mean she thinks I should marry someone better. Someone I deserve.
- There's no magic line that you can say to her and that will cause her to feel differently. You have to realize she's dealing with emotional baggage and you need to figure out whether you think it's a good idea to get into a relationship with an individual that is clearly going to carry it into the marriage. Can you cope with it? Forgive me for being blunt, but this is real talk, after you've been laid (which is really what every single-guy wants deep down), do you think you'll have the patience to constantly deal with her insecurities and emotional immaturity? This isn't simply about her past, her past is just a catalyst that is simply illustrating the way she deals with and handles situations. She might get over her past now or in a few years, but the way she deals with situations and issues will remain the same.
- You've given her the ball, it's in her court and it's her move. Take it back. Figure out what you want and make a decision.
- The real fact is there are a thousand other hotter, deenier, funner, cooler sisters out there - and guess what? They don't have insecurities or emotional baggage. If this doesn't work, you will get someone better insha'Allah. Think long-term.
