I feel like restrictive...I do lots of shahada and say Amantu...but the thought of Kufr comes to my mind...the fear it may effect my heart and however I fight them..I keep doing shahada...it is like a battle all the time...
inshaAllah it's not kufr, May Allah protect us from the destructive ways of kufr and guide us to eternal bliss through the only straight path shown in the Quran and Sunnah.....and keep us on that way.
the scholars say that there are three stages in the spiritual journey of the soul,
(1) Nafs al-Ammara Bissu' (The Soul which Commands)
(2) Nafs al-Lawwama (the Soul that Blames)
(3) Nafs al-Mutma`inna (the Soul at Peace)
(1) Nafs al-Ammara Bissu' (The Soul which Commands):
This is the Nafs that brings punishment itself. By its very nature it directs its owner towards every wrong action. No one can get rid of its evil without the help from Allah. As Allah refers to this Nafs in the story of the wife of al-Aziz and Prophet Yusuf (as):
"The (human) soul is certainly prone to evil" (12:53).
Allah also says:
"And had it not been for the grace of Allah and His Mercy on you, not one of you would ever have been pure; but Allah purifies whomever He wishes, and Allah is Hearing, Knowing." (24:21)
This Nafs resides in the world of the senses and is dominated by earthly desires (Shahwat) and passions….
Evil lies hidden in the Nafs and it is this that leads it on to do wrong. If Allah were to leave the servant alone with his self, the servant would be destroyed between its evil and the evil that it craves; but if Allah grants him success and help, then he will survive. We seek refuge in Allah the Almighty, both from the evil in ourselves and from the evil of our actions.
(2) Nafs al-Lawwama (the Soul that Blames):
Allah refers to this Nafs,
"And I do call to witness the Nafs that blames" (75:2).
This Nafs is conscious of its own imperfections.
Hasan al-Basri said, "You always see the believer blaming himself and saying things like 'Did I want this? Why did I do that? Was this better than that?"….
(3) Nafs al-Mutma`inna (the Soul at Peace):
Allah refers to this Nafs,
"O Self, in complete rest and satisfaction!" (89:27).
This Nafs is tranquil as it rests on the certitude of Allah.
Ibn Abbas (r) said, "It is the tranquil and believing soul".
Al-Qatadah (r) said, "It is the soul of the believer, made calm by what Allah has promised. Its owner is at rest and content with his knowledge of Allah's Names and Attributes, and with what He has said about Himself and His Messenger
(صلى الله عليه و سلم), and with what He has said about what awaits the soul after death: about the departure of the soul, the life in the Barzakh, and the events of the Day of Qiyamah which will follow. So much so that a believer such as this can almost see them with his own eyes. So he submits to the will of Allah and surrenders to Him contentedly, never dissatisfied or complaining, and with his faith never wavering. He does not rejoice at his gains, nor do his afflictions make him despair - for he knows that they were decreed long before they happened to him, even before he was created…."….
(Al-Tabari: Jami' al-Bayan fi Tafsir al-Qur'an, vol. 13, Bulaq 1323)
your description shows you're struggling somewhere near part 2, so MashaAllah it's a step in the right direction and better than kufr which is based around category one .
the last is the one that takes a lot of fitnah, and coming through the fitnah of the first two succesfully is what normally creates the strongly built and cured, relaxed soul,
here is a wonderful example of it in action, almost as if you can feel his serenity:
What can my enemies do to me?
I have in my breast both my heaven and my garden.
If I travel they are with me, never leaving me.
Imprisonment for me is a chance to be alone with my Lord.
To be killed is martyrdom
and to be exiled from my land is a spiritual journey.
(Ibn al-Qayyim, Waabil, p.69)
the main enemy is not yourself, it is shaytaan.
if you give up hope and feel you've lost hope in Allah's mercy, Shaytaan wins a victory over you,
reflect on the past and you will probably find that you are better now than you were then. we just need to improve and try to reach the peak of Islam, and hopefully that will leave the remainder of our sins behind us.
May Allah give us the strength to be righteous in words, deeds and thoughts.
