Problems with my mother

[AnonymousPoster]

My mum has been emotionally abusing and sometimes physically hitting me now for a number of years. This has always placed a barrier between me fully appreciating my mum. I pray to Allah to forgive her because I cant go on thinking about it - I just want to forgive and forget. Sometimes she is very nice to me and I like that and I tell her I appreciate it a lot. But she has problems and she borders on two extremes - pure nastiness and 'niceness'.

Today she told me I had 'no personality' (she's always comparing me and has often told me I am ugly and other horrid things - basically tells me there is no hope for me). I was so upset and I was washing up and cleaning the kitchen and I couldnt help but burst out crying. I couldnt stop because I was very sad. My dad was there and he just walked out, coz he was going to the mosque. My mum asked me why I was crying and I told her I couldnt live in this house anymore because I was at the end of my tether. She got annoyed and told me I was overreacting. I had to really control myself because she basically never validates my feelings. Its like I'm some sort of robot or punchbag for her. She got hot and bothered and starting ranting on about how she would send me to live with my aunty 'is that what you want??!!' I said no, listen, I just want you to listen to me. She wouldnt - she told me to shut up and put her fingers in her ears.

I spoke very nicely and told her everything I felt even though I thought I couldnt go on with her constant sneering. I said "Please can you stop treating me like a punchbag, please can you be kind to me, please can you stop telling me i dont do enough round the house, please can you stop comparing me to my sister and cousins''. I asked her very nicely and told her that she made me feel very unworthy at times. I also told her to stop swearing at me for small things.

She suddenly became the 'victim' and started saying how ungrateful I am that she has raised me all these years...etc, that my dad doesnt have a permanent job yet and what was i thinking starting to cry in front of him...etc.

Now I am sure she wont talk to me for about 1 week. She thinks she tells me all these mean things 'as a joke' and that I am overreacting and am too serious.

I feel like such an outsider here and I find a lot of peace in asking Allah but I just wanted to know:

Is it ok that I told her how she makes me feel? Is it disrespectful? Will I get sin for telling her how she makes me feel?

She got so worked up she started saying she doesnt want me doing anything for her anymore and not talk to her and that she wont do anything for me.
I am so sad

Once I'd told her, I felt a load lighten. Uusally when I tell her stuff (i used to speak back roughly) I felt worse. Now, I told her nicely and kindly with lots of patience and it felt good. But I dont know if I did the right thing.:-\

 

[north_malaysian]

Did u ever try to make her happy, or making she's important to you... You have to win her heart.....

Remember - We ONLY have one mother....

 

[AnonymousPoster]

God knows I've tried so hard brother. I do everything she says and sometimes buy her gifts as a 'peace offering'. I show patience everyday - but every few weeks/months...I explode, coz I cant take it anymore. My brain feels like it will burst, my heart feels disgusted at how I put up with all this nonsense - I feel like no one deserves to be treated like this. Even an animal would be treated better.
She always says that she would never buy a cat as a pet or any animal as a pet because if she does she is scared she might do something wrong to it and it would curse her in its heart and Allah would be angry with her for hurting it. But what about me? Her daughter? A human being? Am I less than an animal?

Jazakallah for your help brother.

 

[north_malaysian]

God knows I've tried so hard brother. I do everything she says and sometimes buy her gifts as a 'peace offering'. I show patience everyday - but every few weeks/months...I explode, coz I cant take it anymore. My brain feels like it will burst, my heart feels disgusted at how I put up with all this nonsense - I feel like no one deserves to be treated like this. Even an animal would be treated better.
She always says that she would never buy a cat as a pet or any animal as a pet because if she does she is scared she might do something wrong to it and it would curse her in its heart and Allah would be angry with her for hurting it. But what about me? Her daughter? A human being? Am I less than an animal?

Jazakallah for your help brother.

Your mum is a practicing Muslim? If she is.... now... you go to her.... slowly hug her..... kiss her hands ask for forgiveness..... and say you willingly want to repent ... and ask her to guide you...

 

[AnonymousPoster]

If I do that - i know what she will do. She will say it is too late, that she doesnt want to touch me, she'll tell me to stay away from her, and tell me to stop talking to her and to 'get lost'. She wont respond postively. I'm scared. She will not forgive me - my mum never forgives anyone - she remembers everything.

 

[bint_muhammed]

it looks like there is something deeper thats bothering your mother and is taking it out on you. i suggest what ever yshe says to you be patient about it and when she's feeling down sit next to her and talk to her it'll make you and her feel better! i hhonestly dont know what else to say good luck!

 

[north_malaysian]

If I do that - i know what she will do. She will say it is too late, that she doesnt want to touch me, she'll tell me to stay away from her, and tell me to stop talking to her and to 'get lost'. She wont respond postively. I'm scared. She will not forgive me - my mum never forgives anyone - she remembers everything.

How about you try by a 3rd person ...such as ... your mum's best friend, your teachers, your aunts ... meet them and tell them YOU LOVE HER SO MUCH ... and willingly to do anything to pleased hr for the sake of God.
Then ask them to convey all these messages to your mum....

 

[AnonymousPoster]

Jazakallah for all your help bro. May Allah reward you a lot.
I dont thing she will respond to a third person either - I dont want to tell anyone else that I've told her all these things and that she is being mean to me - I cant tell anyone. She will hate me for telling someone else our family situation.
Jazakallah again, I will pray for your success.

 

[Snowflake]

My heart goes out to you sis. I don't know why your mom has treated you so badly. I never would've believed any mother could do this to her own flesh and blood if I hadn't known someone in real life who did the very same to her daughter. She hated her from day one and eventually gave her up for adoption. The little girl went to a christian family and was raised as a christian. It's beyond belief.

Please believe that Allah is Just. If He has put paradise at the feet of our mothers then He has also given them responsibility to raise us with love and tenderness. Although a mothers failure to carry out her responsibility doesnt give her offspring the right to insult her, Allah can and does understand the position a child is put in under those circumstances. You told your mother how you felt so that things would change. How is that bad sis? Please don't feel bad or guilty.

I know it hurts sis, but I don't think your mom realises how much her words hurt you. I was wondering if you could write down everything about how you feel and give it to her to read. She may be shocked and rethink her behaviour.

Your post was painful to read and reminded me of my own childhood experiences. I remember when I was 5 years old my mother took me out with a friend of hers I hadn't met before. Before we left she drummed into me not to call her 'mother' but sister. She introduced me to this woman as her sister. But as we were walking I tripped up and falling to the ground I accidently called out 'Mother'. It was natural instinct. When my mom's friend mentioned me calling out 'mother' to my mom, my mom turned round and said that it must've slipped from my mouth cuz I'd fallen down. There were other such incidents as I grew up and I grew up feeling unwanted and unloved. I prayed some loving family would come and adopt me.

But finally becoming a mother myself, I realised something. My mother didn't want to hurt me. She didn't even think it would hurt me. Married at 15 and probably still feeling a child herself, she was probably in denial. It was like physically she'd become a mother but mentally she was still a kid. Although the hurt I went through is still there, I've stopped blaming my mom for it. It was just my fate. I'm sure she loves me in her own way.

So maybe your maa is just insensitive to your feelings and is not out to hurt you. Is there a relative you can talk to? Like an aunt or uncle, who can talk to you mom? Sometimes something coming from someone else has more of an impact than coming directly from who it concerns. I'm so sorry I really don't know what else to say. All I can say is that I'm here for you if you need to talk.

I pray Allah softens your mothers heart for you and blesses your relationship with her with His Kindness and Mercy. Ameen.

 

[AnonymousPoster]

Thanks for your post sis. It has really made me cry. I just wish I could 'fix' everything. You have given me some insight and I will try to think positively.
Maybe my mother is also unhappy about something. I guess all I can do is accept it when she is mean - it wont last forever inshallah.

I cant really talk to a relative sis. We dont have any family here. And I dont have any 'real' muslim friends. There are not many muslims here.

Do you think I should say sorry to her? I know she will be giving me the cold shoulder now. If i say sorry - she will tell me to get lost again. How do I 'act normal' now that I have told her how I feel?

Jazakallah. Thanks so much for your kind words, they have touched me. May Allah grant your every wish and give your peace and success in both worlds and grant you Jannatul Firdos. Ameen.

 

[Snowflake]

AnonymousGender;464159]Thanks for your post sis. It has really made me cry. I just wish I could 'fix' everything. You have given me some insight and I will try to think positively.
Maybe my mother is also unhappy about something. I guess all I can do is accept it when she is mean - it wont last forever inshallah.

Same here sis. I cried three times reading your post. I'm glad that sharing my experience helped you in some small way.

Do you think I should say sorry to her? I know she will be giving me the cold shoulder now. If i say sorry - she will tell me to get lost again. How do I 'act normal' now that I have told her how I feel?

Buy a bunch of flowers and give them to her with a card saying how sorry you are and how much you love her. Sadly words sometimes don't have the desired effect but a lil action goes a long way. I recently after lots of heartache from my estranged husband, threw my arms around my mom's neck for the first time in my life and cried like a baby. And she responded with love and concern - something I'd always wanted to see from her. But I had to take the first step and show her how much I needed her. It was like finally a barrier had come down from between us. I also realised that her mother hadn't shown her much affection as a kid and maybe it was hard for her to be like that with us. I pray from the bottom of my heart that things work out for you too inshaAllah.

When you've made up with your mom, talk to her about her childhood and what it was like. It will give you an insight of her behaviour now. Take advantage of LI and show your mom Islamic articles, later move on to one's on raising children in Islam etc. InshaAllah she will benefit from them.

Jazakallah. Thanks so much for your kind words, they have touched me. May Allah grant your every wish and give your peace and success in both worlds and grant you Jannatul Firdos. Ameen.

Lol, you'll start me off again. Ameen, and thanks for your duaa. I'm here for you sis.

 

[AvarAllahNoor]

I just want you to listen to me. She wouldnt - she told me to shut up and put her fingers in her ears.

I\

What kind of idiotic mother wound do that!! - She's obviously lacking in self esteem herself, that's why she's content on picking on you. She sees you as a defenceless child, who being her child would tolerate it!

 

[Snowflake]

What kind of idiotic mother wound do that!! - She's obviously lacking in self esteem herself, that's why she's content on picking on you. She sees you as a defenceless child, who being her child would tolerate it!

I don't think anonymous sister posted her problem for anyone to insult her mother. Please don't. We can't judge anyone from one post. God knows what experiences led her to act in that way. We should only be advising the sister.

 

[Isaac]

Exactly dont people have basic adab or manners when talking to people. Someone is emotionaly distressed and such comments are not by all means going to be helpful. The one of many beautiful aspects which our Nabi Muahmmed PBUH use to have was his adab when talking to people. He would talk to them on THEIR understanding and THEIR level of emotion and circumstances.

I hope things work out for you and that you can have a healthire realtionship with your mother. I know i can improve my relationship 100 times over.

 

[AvarAllahNoor]

I don't think anonymous sister posted her problem for anyone to insult her mother. Please don't. We can't judge anyone from one post. God knows what experiences led her to act in that way. We should only be advising the sister.

True, but lets just see how her mother reacts to what you've advised her to do! - If she's a genuinely caring mother she'll stop her behaviour and try to create a bond between her child!

Sorry if i caused offence Anonymous. That was not my intention

 

[glo]

Is it ok that I told her how she makes me feel?

Of course it is! Especially, if you have been respectful and calm in your approach.
It is so important your mother to understand how her actions affect you. And you have every right to tell her!

Peace.

 

[Eric H]

Greetings in peace AnonymousGender;

The way you describe your mothers actions, she may well be suffering with severe PMT.

My wife suffers terribly with it and there seems to be no way I can reason or say anything to her during these times, she can say some horrific things about me, we have been married for twenty one years. In the early days I used to argue back and become angry myself, but over the years I have gradually found that I need to try and remain at peace with myself and with her no matter what is said.

But between the periods of extreme turmoil there are also periods of relative calm, and it is during these periods of calmness that I have found to be the best time to talk to her.

Relationships should last a lifetime and somehow they should grow in some way, It can take years before changes start to become apparent in small ways at first. Love forgiveness and most of all perseverance are the tools to get through these ordeals.

This is a beautiful, powerful and simple prayer that has helped me to overcome fear and depression a number of times in life, and it has helped me to grow stronger in relationships and faith.

Lord Give me the peace and serenity to live with the things I can not change.
Grant me the courage to change the things I can.
And give me the wisdom to know the difference.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a great mystery, give me the courage to face each day always one day at a time knowing that you hold me in the palm of your hand.

To try and understand how the prayer works here is an explanation of how one woman used this prayer in London whilst it was being bombed most days during the second world war.
She had no control of were the bombs would land, or if any of her friends or family would be killed, she did not know if she would be killed, or her house bombed. She had to carry on with life, and feed herself and her family. So she prayed for the peace and serenity to live with all the chaos of other peoples actions around her that she could not change and that she had no control over.

The only thing she could change was herself and what is going on in her own mind. Somehow there is the need to come to terms with all the very real fears and troubles in life and be able to live with them and overcome them always one day at a time.

There is the need to live at peace with yourself and strive to live in peace with all your neighbours despite all the hate that may exist, despite what happened yesterday, and what might happen tomorrow, The more you come to understand were the problem lies the more you seem to gain a greater inner strength and wisdom.

Having faith in God is a real help, he answers our prayers often in ways that we do not understand. He answers our prayers in ways that benefit us more for the next world, rather than this world, we have to trust in God for this.

Life is a journey always one day at a time, faith in God is about enduring life’s problems always one day at a time knowing that he holds each one of us in the palm of his hand.

God bless and I will keep you in my prayers

Eric

 

[muslimah_here]

Sister ur not alone many mothers have been up in an environemtn where their parents were the same or even worse, hence it becomes norma to treat their own children like that and they dont realise what their parents did by mentally degrading them all the time wasnt right. It takes time to cange someone's mentality especially that of elders as with age one beomces very rigid but INSHALLAh keep trying when she is good mood, sitting alone than try to explain it to her how u feel in a respectable manner anf if u see its turning into a conflict then leave the room and come back to it laer on, INSHALLAh keep trying and pray to ALLAH that ur mothers heart will be softened for you INSHALLAH, sometimes when parents have been though a hard life they end up taking out thier anger unintentioanlly on their children, even i expereinced some of it, we have to understand our parents have had a much harder life than us this has affected their personality ofcourse.

Personally i think ALLHUMDOLILAH my parents have started to realise that yelling and teasing all the time can mess up the confidence of the child, but it has taken time for me to get it thourgh them at times even I feel my parents say very hurtful things that really upset me but then I try to remembr how much theyv sacrficed to raise me up so in the same way they deservr some patience form us, its not enitrely their fault its a cultural problem the way I see it, but whoeve is facing diffciulty with thier parents make sure INSHALLAh when u beocme parents u dont take out the anger of ur life's insecurieties on ur child caz its not the child's fault that uv had a hard life that a test from ALLAH. It us who have to say thats enough we will make a positive change in our lives and dont INSHALLAH repeat the mistakes our parents have made and keep making dua to ALLAh to forgive any downfalls of our parents as being human being we all make mistakes and may ALLAH have mercy on our parents, ameen.

FI- AMANALLAH.

 

[syilla]

If I do that - i know what she will do. She will say it is too late, that she doesnt want to touch me, she'll tell me to stay away from her, and tell me to stop talking to her and to 'get lost'. She wont respond postively. I'm scared. She will not forgive me - my mum never forgives anyone - she remembers everything.

eventhough she looks tough outside as if no feelings at all...,

your action did have an effect on her just that she doesn't show it. All mothers will never talk about their feelings...they usually keep it to themselves. Most mothers will never accept their own fault... They seems to be like that...but the truth is...their heart is melting.

Just remember that, if your mother is being hard and tough on you....is mean that she has been living as a strong woman in a difficult life.

A mother will never satisfy with their children sacrifices...and the truth is our sacrifices will never repay all of their sacrifices.

To love your mother...is to accept all her weaknesses...Love her as what she is and don't accept her to reward us back in any kind. Cause Allah subhanahuwataala is the only one can reward our kindness toward our mother.

Just remember one thing "when we sick our mother will make dua so we will be able to live a longer life, but when our mother is old will we make dua for her to live longer?"

 

[AnonymousPoster]

Thankyou to all the kind replies I have received. Each of you has said somethng that has made me think in a different way - in a positive way. In a way that could help me rebuild the relationship with my mum. I appreciate your efforts and time you took to write so much. May Allah bless you all.
I will continually refer to this thread.

I went up to her at night and I said sorry to her. I am not sorry for telling her calmly how I felt. But I am sorry if it hurt her feelings. But she turned it round on me, telling me that "I am not your punching bag for your emotions either, just because you are feeling emotinoal, dont take it out on me!" I asked her to forgive me, but she wouldnt.

She told my dad the story - and now he is not talking to me either. They both think I am an ungrateful little so and so. I think they wish they could just be through with me.

I cant buy her some flowers and give her a hug. With my mum its not going to work like that. Eric, I think she has severe PMT too. I am often quiet and go for weeks on end taking her constant criticism, but every so often, I blow. And thats where the trouble starts. I feel like I'll have to find soemthing to do, to stop me blowing up.

Again, thank you all so much for your advice. I will take it and try and do something constructive with it.
Salam to all.