Brothers and sisters, I'm struggling bad. Every year it's the same story and I feel I will continue failing up until death comes to take my soul. Every year, I go through Ramadan with sincere intentions and I don't just look at it as if it is a ritual. Even to the one or two months leading up to Ramadan, I will prepare myself for it. As soon as it's over, I carry on with a specific sin that's been going on since I was young. Without getting too detailed, it involves looking at the haram and not guarding my private parts (not zina). As I said, this all started at a young age before the days of the internet and it's something I've been battling for a very long time. After being exposed to this stuff for so many years, there is no way I can remove it from my mind. I go through Ramadan with high hopes that I will kick the habit, but I come back to it just as bad, if not worse than before. I'll eventually get tired of it, stop for a short time, then pick it up again. I've done so much tawbah in the past and continually make dhikr. I can't even bring myself to cry anymore when I ask for forgiveness. I feel like the damage is irrepairable and my heart has been sealed. My level of hope and trust within myself is near zero. I have full trust in Allah, just not myself. I'm at the lowest level I've been in my life and I don't know what to do anymore.
Assalamu Alaikum,
" As soon as it's over.." That's the problem, isn't it. During Ramadan everything was made easier to do and now we have to struggle even moreso to fulfill obligations and strive harder against haram. Having this realization in mind and not knowing if we will be alive for the next Ramadan however can keep things in perspective.
Habits are difficult to break - I agree. Which is exactly why bad habits needed to be broken immediately and recreating new ones as steadfastly. There is so much evil and temptations even watching the news one can view things that will affect our eyes and soul in a disastrous way. The positive attitude is always recognizing help is needed but also never being hopeless when seeking that help.
We ought not put ourselves under temptations or such influences and then feel like we are strong enough to not sway. It's basically playing with fire.. hoping not to get burn. Since our souls are affected with our other external senses of hearing and seeing, included, the best approaches as we guard ourselves from eating haram, we also need to equally guard ourselves from viewing haram and hearing haram. Whenever we have taken all the precautions necessary, then slipping becomes human weakness based upon the influences surrounding us unwillingly.
Remember that there are always Angels recording us, our deeds i.e viewing bad things. Never be too despondent but immediately turn back in repentance, seek forgiveness and move on quickly to replace bad deeds with many more good deeds.
If we get ourselves so busily occupied with good deeds, to the point of exhaustion even, then that barely leaves room for bad deeds. The way our prophet Muhammad peace and blessings be upon him lived, his affairs of the days were dutiful in nature towards creation and at nights dutiful in nature towards the creator. That left no room for any secrets. So, get involved in dawah, charity, learning any new skills that will make you a better Muslim, a better human being and these are always on-going. Be so especially occupied that everything trivial and harmful has no place in your life. Insha'Allah
Of course, part of our human nature also is to have a spouse. So, know how to prepare and seek one for your requirements.
