really need urgent help please

[AnonymousPoster]

Assalamou alaikoum,

I would like to share my problems with you beacuse i have only Allah and you to share , I dont have a family here nor friends here , I have only a husband that i love so much and he loved me so much but last 3 months he completly changed i couldnt find out what changed him , During this 3 months my husband is going to work from 6 am to 6 pm everyday and even in the weekends sometimes and i stayed all the day at home by my self without going out side nor talking to anybody just wating for him to come back from work and when he come back he eat and watch TV and he sleep and no time for me for anything and i m sure you understand what i mean and now i have a big stress in my life and i went to the doctor and he said that i suffer from depression , I spoke with my husband why you changed he said hes not and hes working hard to make enough money for us thats all hes answer all the time , I cannot stop crying , I really dont know what to do please i need your advice and help thank you very much

I am looking at something fishy.....so talk to your parents or someone who is very close to you, with your husband, before it becomes too late.

:wa:

 

[layla is here]

I know of a sisters group online for learning islamic topics. You can pm your yahoo id and I will see about letting you join us. We meet weekdays from 1pm to 5pm est. You have to have microphone to be able to participate in the lectures and to prove you are in fact a sister.

 

[Eliphaz]

Assalamou alaikoum,

I would like to share my problems with you beacuse i have only Allah and you to share , I dont have a family here nor friends here , I have only a husband that i love so much and he loved me so much but last 3 months he completly changed i couldnt find out what changed him , During this 3 months my husband is going to work from 6 am to 6 pm everyday and even in the weekends sometimes and i stayed all the day at home by my self without going out side nor talking to anybody just wating for him to come back from work and when he come back he eat and watch TV and he sleep and no time for me for anything and i m sure you understand what i mean and now i have a big stress in my life and i went to the doctor and he said that i suffer from depression , I spoke with my husband why you changed he said hes not and hes working hard to make enough money for us thats all hes answer all the time , I cannot stop crying , I really dont know what to do please i need your advice and help thank you very much

sr. mariyyah

You are not alone in depression, many people have gone through it, including myself. But you need to realise that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and you just need to know how to reach it. I would recommend you follow what br. Guestfellow and br. Woodrow have written as it is excellent advice and I really cannot add anything to this.

One thing I will say, is that, as a former sufferer, I totally agree with Fighting4Imaan that you should, whatever happens, avoid anti-depressants, as these have unpredictable and sometimes really bad side effects (yes, all of them). Also, often people can become dependant on taking them. I would say that unless you have been depressed for a really really long time then there is absolutely no need for you to take them.

May Allah swt save all of us from the diseases of depression and despair and help us to remain optimistic in the face of difficulty.

 

[YusufNoor]

Assalamou alaikoum,

I would like to share my problems with you beacuse i have only Allah and you to share , I dont have a family here nor friends here ,

do you have sisters that you can call? if not, will your husband let you go to the Masjid [to meet new friends]?

I have only a husband that i love so much and he loved me so much but last 3 months he completly changed i couldnt find out what changed him ,

MAYBE, the separation of the sexes has left him without alot of "knowledge" on how to deal with relationships. he MAY be confused and is thus avoiding the situation. it IS easier to go to work than to try to figure out a woman!

During this 3 months my husband is going to work from 6 am to 6 pm everyday and even in the weekends sometimes

is he a cabbie? if so, that is the norm.

and i stayed all the day at home by my self without going out side nor talking to anybody

if you have very little housework, consider learning your Din. try memorizing Qur'an!

just wating for him to come back from work

as a man, we CAN be OBLIVIOUS at times, or a lot of the time...

and when he come back he eat and watch TV and he sleep and no time for me for anything and i m sure you understand what i mean

MAYBE he IS tired. MAYBE this is avoidance

and now i have a big stress in my life

for now, how about enjoying the fact that you have no children to raise BY YOURSELF! enjoy your "free time" while you can!

and i went to the doctor and he said that i suffer from depression ,

is it a kafr doctor?

I spoke with my husband why you changed he said hes not and hes working hard to make enough money for us thats all hes answer all the time ,

do you NEED that much money?


I cannot stop crying , I really dont know what to do please i need your advice and help thank you very much

maybe you are "jumping the gun" abit here. sometimes men don't do the whole "touchy feely" thing that well. lack of contact with the opposite sex doesn't really help with that. working is easier that all of the uncomfortable "dealing with feelings" stuff. thus, my first guess is avoidance.

men work, women cry. man goes to work to avoid the crying! woman cries more, man works more! [lather, rinse, repeat]

as long as he is really working, give him the space. try to establish contact with his family, as men can be crappy at that too. try not to over-react or nag him, it causes men to work more!

take your time and S-L-O-W-L-Y try to bring him around.

concentrate on your Din as, In Sha'a Allah, you'll have kids to teach!

May Allah make it easy on you!

:wa:

 

[Muslim Woman]

i stayed all the day at home by my self without going out side nor talking to anybody

Can you invite your parents or his parents to stay with you 2 for some days ? May be , situation can change for better . Tell him to take a vacation . I read that in Malaysia , Govt is encouraging couples to go to holidays to avoid divorce.

Malaysian state to pay for second honeymoon for feuding couples

A Malaysian state has offered to pay for a second honeymoon holiday for any married couple on the brink of a divorce, a news report said Monday.

Several holiday packages, which also include marriage counseling sessions, would be introduced by the end of the year with the aim of reducing the increasing number of divorces in the north-eastern state of Terengganu, the Star online news portal said.

The all-expense-paid trips would only be offered to couples who are going to file for divorce or separation, said the state's community development committee chairman Ashaari Idris

http://www.chinapost.com.tw/asia/malaysia/2009/10/13/228431/Malaysian-state.htm

 

[sevgi]

Sis Marriyah, salams.

May I ask which country it is you live in and what your cultural background is?

Let me tell you a few things about yourself. You are a woman. Allah created you. He owns you. He has trusted you to your husband as a mahram because women are 'weaker' and prone to damage by the 'stronger' men. Your mahram is the man you trust in the face of all other men. You must keep him pleased in return for the securtity and support he provides you with. If you do not, Allah will frown upon you.

If he does not keep you secure and support you, Allah will frown upon him.

Sis, when I say secure, I do not mean keeping a roof on your head. By support I do not mean food in your stomach. It's the 21st century. No matter how many factors stop you from working, you can find something to do...enough to feed and shelter yourself. Allah is there for you and he is the provider of all necessities.

I realise that you are clearly not well on your own. You depend on others to feel better about yourself. While this is a weakness, it is very, very normal and all too common amongst women of our kind. You have tied yourself to your husband and the world beyond him is alien to you. He is your world. Your duties, wants, needs, likes, dislikes, happiness, sadness, tolerance and pleasure are tied to him like an artery to the heart. Without him, you lose...everything.

You are depressed. You are insecure and you have no support from this man. You are scared because he is all you have. You have nowhere to go. You cant leave him. You arent strong enough...and you dont know what the world beyond your husband may do to you.

So take this moment to think about who Marriyah is. What she used to think about when she was a little girl at the age of 10. What her marriage used to look like. What she used to like doing and playing. What did marriyah do during her highschool life? What things did she have in mind? Does marriyah want to work? Does she want to study? Do she want to invite friends? Does she like drawing? Does she like sports? Ask yourself these questions and pick up one 'attribute' at a time. Tie yourself to Allah. You will occupy yourself with YOURSELF and ALLAH only whilst doing your wifely chores and duties.

If your husband is making it 'haram' for you to leave the house and have friends, he is putting himself in Allah's shoes...and he will be punished. You must tell him how you feel. You must realise that he is your partner, not your owner. Until you do, you will cry and cry and cry and kill yourself in your self-inflicted sorrow.

Do not pity yourself. Do something about your life. Only you can fix it. Not me, not your doctor, not your husband. Trust in Allah, shut your eyes and look at yourself. Allah created you. He trusted you with that mind in your head and that heart in your chest. If you let it get abused, he will ask you why you let it be so.

We're here for you. Just find who you are. When you do, love who you are. Let go of your depression. There are two types of silence: One which humbles and the other which is full of waswasa. Depression is the shaytan whispering in your ear; telling you how miserable life is, how terrible things are, how bad things are going to be...coz for people like you sis, all you have is 'hope' in Allah...and shaytan wants it. Do not give your hope to the shaytan. Take it back from your husband and give it back to Allah.

 

[mariyyah]

Assalamou alaikoum,

Thank you very much all for your support and advice and iam very happy to hear that and i feel im changing now with more confident hamdollah thanks to Allah SWT and to you all ,
My doctor said that i dont need any test as he can see that im healthy hamdollah but only i have depression because as soon as i spoke to my doctor i felt better and when i talk i feel better but when i stay quiet then i get worst and he gave me medecine antidepression i bought it but honestly i didnt take it because i hate the medicine thats why i came to the forum i want to cure by advice and changing ,
My husband working hard because we have so many expenses and hes the only one work and all his salary goes to rent and food and is not enough i understand that , hes family are in an other country so we cannot afford to invit them , me my mother the only person i love so much and the only beautiful person in my life dead long time i was so pumper girl and when i lost her i lost my self im sorry i cannot stop crying , my father is old man married and my sisters and brothers are not ok with me and they are also far from me in an other country,
My husband loves me so much and i do loves him so much but only thing is that he does not allowed to me to have friends nor going strolling nor travelling and he wants me to stay at home also he doesnt want me to work because always when we are out side he notice people looking at me then he get angry and doesnt let me work , yesterday i asked him again to have freinds and he said no
believe me is not easy when you stayed at home all the time without talking you feel boring and sick
at home im cooking and doing the home work and praying hamdollah even sometimes i stop praying and i hope Allah forgive me i feel very lazy to practise sometimes and i have no koran with me right now

Sevgi you are saying nice beautiful words and analyse could you pm me your email address thank you

 

[Snowflake]

Sis Marriyah, May Allah give you a strong and happy marriage. Ameen. Sis, I truly believe that like happiness, depression (unless clinical) can come from within our own selves. It is not the fact that you are alone all day. To some (like me for instance) that'd be considered a blessing. It is because you do not have enough things to do to fill your time.


But until you feel better within yourself, it'll be difficult to want to do much. So inshaAllah let's talk about how you can start feeling a bit better bi idhnillah. I agree with Bro Fighting4imaan. You don't need drugs/counselling as depression can be cured by the blessings and healing Allah has bestowed in the Holy Quran. Start by listening to Surah al-Baqarah and read all the Surahs the Prophet (saw) recommended for protection. A person who has nothing to occupy themselves with becomes an easy target for the shaytaan. Increase your ibadah and recite lailaha illAllah plentifully. You will start to feel better immediately inshaAllah.



Alhumdulillah, Allah has placed healing for us in many things. The Prophet (saw) mentioned perfume as being one of things which were dear to him. Perfume is believed to be fuel for the soul as it has a good effect on health and well-being. Make use of essential oils to fragrance yourself and your home. You will see the effect straight away. InshaAllah. Also use in massage oil (almond) for yourself and husband. This way both of you will benefit. He may never say it, but your husband expects some TLC when he gets home. His behavior could simply be a sign of silent protest.


The Prophet (saw) also recommended barley for strengthening the heart of a sad person. (see recipe below)


Make sure the house is clean and smelling nice when he gets home and food is ready (men hate coming home to a messy house). Make extra effort like cooking his favourite food and dressing up. He will appreciate it.


Sister, I understand you may not feel like doing anything, but you have to make the effort inshaAllah. If you do not get up to drink water when you are thirsty, you will remain thirsty. Begin doing what feels the easiest. Using the oils (check their properties as some are relaxing, others energising) and use according to your needs) is something you can do straight away. Make sure they are aromatherapy oils for use on skin.



InshaAllah, as you start feeling better and more positive, you can start doing more things to occupy your time. I don't believe a woman has to go out to do that. Memorise Quran, learn some ahadith, study a topic and learn the relevant verses and hadith which refer to it. Join Paltalk.com and learn and share your knowledge with us in sister's only room. www.paltalk.com
Register and PM me your nickname. InshaAllah,I'll take care of you there.


Above all sis, don't complain to your husband. Human beings rarely change because we want them to. Ask Allah to change his behavior toward you. Make dua and call upon Allah as 'O Turner of hearts.......' as the Prophet (saw) used to say. Don't give up. Ask Allah for your needs, have faith in His Kindness and Mercy and He will take care of them. He can't fight with the will of Allah can he?


And please relax sister. Have sabr, as Allah is with the sabiroon. InshaAllah everything's gonna be just fine.

:wa:



Barley

Cook one part barley to five parts water until 2/5 of the mixture remains. It does not taste nice. But it is a good remedy for a sad heart and also for the heart of a sick person.

 

[mariyyah]

Thank you very much sister scene of jannah , I feel more better today hamdollah when i read your words and advice , Im a very clean person and good cooking and looking hamdollah, today i spoke again with my husband and i find out that hes only tired from working hard all the time but still hes worry about having friends and again he said no, I think i will make my self busy with praying and reading the koran but i dont have any koran and i dont know where to buy a koran ? again thank you very much

 

[YusufNoor]

Thank you very much sister scene of jannah , I feel more better today hamdollah when i read your words and advice , Im a very clean person and good cooking and looking hamdollah, today i spoke again with my husband and i find out that hes only tired from working hard all the time but still hes worry about having friends and again he said no, I think i will make my self busy with praying and reading the koran but i dont have any koran and i dont know where to buy a koran ? again thank you very much

here is some free stuff to help you with your Din,

Qur'an:

http://www.all-quran.com/documents/saad_al_ghamdi.html

http://quran.islamicnetwork.com/

http://quod.lib.umich.edu/k/koran/simple.html

Hadith:

http://www.usc.edu/schools/college/crcc/engagement/resources/texts/muslim/hadith/

Seerah:

http://www.pleasantviewschool.com/media/default.asp?q=f&f=/Seerah of the Prophet (pbuh)

lectures:

http://www.muftimenk.co.za/Downloads.html

Bilal Philips:

http://www.bilalphilips.com/

Yusuf Estes:

http://www.islamtomorrow.com/

other:

http://www.sunnahonline.com/ilm/audio/index.htm

http://www.kalamullah.com/lectures.html

http://www.alghurabaa.org/lectures/abu-abdis-salam/

http://www.hoor-al-ayn.com/lectures/yasir-birjas/

:wa:

 

[sevgi]

Sevgi you are saying nice beautiful words and analyse could you pm me your email address thank you

You already sound like a changing woman, mashallah.

Ofcourse I'll pm you my email address. Check your inbox.

 

[Snowflake]

Thank you very much sister scene of jannah , I feel more better today hamdollah when i read your words and advice , Im a very clean person and good cooking and looking hamdollah, today i spoke again with my husband and i find out that hes only tired from working hard all the time but still hes worry about having friends and again he said no, I think i will make my self busy with praying and reading the koran but i dont have any koran and i dont know where to buy a koran ? again thank you very much

MashaAllah sis. I didn't mean you're unclean lol. I meant depression can make you lethargic and uninterested in doing anything. I'm glad your husband put your fears to rest. May Allah increase your love for each other. Ameen :statisfie

Did you see the links Bro Yusufnoor posted? If you're in the UK, it is easy to get a free copy of al-Quran. Let me know if you need more help inshaAllah.


:wa:

 

[umm junaid]

sister, try go to a local mosque inshallah you will meet sisters there who are married and try getting to know them you can also make dua to Allah to make things better for you in life inshallah.

 

[mariyyah]

Assalamou alaikoum,

Thank you all for your support and help hamdollah i feel better now thanks to allah first then you .Allah SWT reward you inshallah , sister scene of jannah yes im in the uk so how can i get a koran thank you

sister sevgi thank you for your email i will get in touch soon with you inshallah SWT
for the rest of brothers and sisters thank you very much for your advice and help

 

[Snowflake]

You can order a copy from this site inshaAllah

https://www.islamicvision.co.uk

If you can trust me, I'd prefer to gift you a copy inshaAllah. :statisfie
Anything to increase my good deeds.. :embarrass

 

[zakirs]

Assalamou alaikoum,

Thank you all for your support and help hamdollah i feel better now thanks to allah first then you .Allah SWT reward you inshallah , sister scene of jannah yes im in the uk so how can i get a koran thank you

sister sevgi thank you for your email i will get in touch soon with you inshallah SWT
for the rest of brothers and sisters thank you very much for your advice and help

sis


Glad to know that you are improving.Here are a few things you can do now to get better
1)Listen or read quran at http://quranexplorer.com

2) get more friends , be it online or friends from you neighbourhood with whom you can have some chat and get relaxed. ( i see you got a new friend in Sis sevgi

3) May be try a new hobby ? Painting , gardening, sewing ?

4) Eat lots of icecream ...


May you feel better soon sis..

 

[mariyyah]

Assalamou alaikoum.

Im writing with my tears , it is so much noz . my husband now go to his work from 6 am to 8 pm and he came only sleep at night and 14 hours i dont see him , im getting crazy and sheytan start playing my mind and im afraid to lose my balance and do something stuipd please help even i start giving up my pray

 

[mariyyah]

Assalamou alaikoum.

Im writing with my tears , it is so much now . my husband start go to his work from 6 am to 8 pm and he came only sleep at night and 14 hours i dont see him , im getting crazy and sheytan start playing my mind and im afraid to lose my balance and do something stuipd please help even i start giving up my pray , Please i need your help and advice

 

[zakirs]

Sister.. dont worry at all may be really your husband is working hard for your family ..

Dont do anything in a hurry sis.Go out do some shopping ask your husband for permission and just go out.or call you mom and have a chat with her.Or just call your old lost friend.

you will get through sis.. i know you are brave ..

Today when you see your husband tell him your problem, ask him for help.

May Allah help in your difficulties.

 

[Snowflake]

Assalamou alaikoum.

Im writing with my tears , it is so much noz . my husband now go to his work from 6 am to 8 pm and he came only sleep at night and 14 hours i dont see him , im getting crazy and sheytan start playing my mind and im afraid to lose my balance and do something stuipd please help even i start giving up my pray

hushhhh sis don't cry ((hugs)) have patience darling.. all hardships are a test. Don't let this one fail you. It won't be the same forever. It is hard for your husband too hun. He is unable to do anything but work and sleep. That must be awful. I know your loneliness is hard on you too. But you must speak to him and ask him for permission to go out and join college/sister's projects/quran-arabic classes. You are right sis. The shaytaan will play with your mind if it is free. That's why you should tell your husband all this. He can't read your mind so don't play down your feelings. Be honest even if you think you will look silly. Btw, I'm waiting for you to join paltalk. It will help you inshaAllah.


I hope we hear from you soon sis. May Allah protect you and grant you ease. Ameen.