Really unhappy in my marriage

[Aishath]

Assalaamu Alaikum

I have posted here numerous times about my waswas issues and my marriage problems. Please bear with me as this may be a long post but I really would like some help In Shaa Allah.

I got married in 2014. Before then, I used to have really bad waswas problems and these accelerated after my nikah too. But at the same time, I have to be really honest. I was a pretty awful wife to begin with. I was very childish and immature. I used to complain about things that were in our Deen too. Like saying things like how easy it is for men cz they can wear whatever they want but even in the hot weather we have to cover up and how I don't want to get pregnant cz I'll get stretch marks. And it's not fair that men don't get etc etc. It got worse when I started experiencing a lot of anger over my family issues. How my dad didn't treat us equally etc etc. My husband took in all this and he was very patient and tried to advise me through all this. I have to give him credit where it is due. It won't be fair otherwise. He was extremely patient with me during all this. He kept trying to help me even when I became really really petty. When my mom came back from holidays and gave him an extra present I got mad. In front of him. And complained how I didn't get as much. I know I have been absolutely horrible. I know that and I beg you to please not pass judgment on me.

Within three months after our nikah we got a divorce. My husband said He has divorced me in anger. This was at the height of my arrogance and obnoxious-ness during my marriage. We did rujoo and kept going.

Slowly I tried my best to change. Yes it came too late. By then my husband no longer loved me the same. He was also getting short tempered and just wouldn't put up with my idiocy anymore. I tried to change and slowly I began to be able to control my temper. But I didn't really succeed until this year and even I still struggle. But I no longer say the kind of things about things within the Deen and I regret so much the things I did. I have learnt to let go of the things that happened regarding my family issues and learnt not to burden my husband with them as much as possible.

But I think it is too late now. Over the 2+ years we have been married my husband has divorced me once and walked out 4 times with all his stuff. The first time was for two days and I begged him to come back and our families got involved too. The second time he wanted to come back. The 3rd time was the worst cz he went abroad for a month. We managed to rebuild our relationship during that time and he came back. But I could see he was no longer happy too. He would bring up my past actions a lot and tell me about how I had ruined his life. How I was the biggest headache he had. How he would be able to live in such peace if it only weren't for me. These words hurt but I tried. He told me (this was after he had moved in again after the 3rd walkout), to leave him alone and I need to focus on myself. I did make horrible mistakes prior to him walking out the third time. I had made comments about money and talked in really hurtful ways. I still had not learnt my lesson. But after he came back, I tried my best to just grow up and work things out.

My husband would say things like how I am very negative and I need to stop the negativity and how I blame him for things that are going wrong. And I realized that yes I was doing these things and I tried to be conscious about not being such a negative person and complain. My mother had been the same way and I realized I was copying her ways a lot too in my marriage and that was unacceptable. My husband by this point really hated my mother for the negative things she has said and done and for how she had influenced my behavior towards him. We had also made the mistake of going into business together which was further affecting our marriage. During this time I had also gained a lot of weight which further added to the strain on our marriage.

I know so much of this is my fault. I know that. And that's why I keep trying to fix this marriage. Even though in recent times he has not treated me very well. When my husband gets angry he throws things (he has stopped this habit now). He has physically pushed me into a glass balcony door. Alhamdulillah nothing happened. He swears at me and calls me names. He has told me that even if my mother dies he will not attend her funeral prayer and that if I live with him I have to be okay with it. What is hurting me is that I am really trying my best to be a better person but he no longer treats me with any respect. We were at a restaurant and he got angry and said a lot of bad words at me and just walked out of there, leaving me alone. I was mortified and had to pay the cheque and walk out. Where we live isn't so big so it wasn't an issue of getting home. Yet after all this, each and every time I beg him for forgiveness and ask him to please give me a chance.

There was a time when one morning I woke up for Fajr and after doing wudu I called my husband. He told me he has set the alarm and he'll get up in a few minutes. I went to check his phone to make sure the alarm was on so that I could go and pray in another room and know that he would be getting up. I picked up his phone and saw this chat log with another woman. I felt devastated. It was a friend from school. He had talked about how he got married too early and he had also flirted with her a lot. Sending her pictures of meals he had prepared for me and just generally flirting with her. That was the first day I didn't call him for Fajr. His alarm wasn't on anyway. But I just sat there and I didn't even call him for Fajr.

I confronted him about it and he said he did it on purpose. He hadn't ben trying to hide it from me. But i have hurt him so many times with my behavior that he just wanted to hurt me. He wanted me to know what hurt was. what sadness was. I cried for days. I tried to forgive him. But he adopted a really defensive stance and said how he knows what he did was wrong but he wanted me to learn a lesson.

I forgave that and I moved on. We started living together again. The other day I saw on his Facebook how he had talked to a girl about adopting a kitten. This was a girl from a cat group on Facebook and we had both been trying to adopt a kitten. We already had one but wanted a companion. For me, if i find a post online from someone who was giving up a kitten for adoption and if that was a man, I would just message him and ask him if this kitten was still available and if so could he please call and let us know what we can do. And I would give my husband's number and that would be it. And my husband would be aware of this too. Whereas my husband got involved in this long chat with a girl. The girl was asking for photos of the kitten and my husband took a photo of the cat with it on his lap. He didn't include his face. But I still felt this is wrong. I didn't confront him about it.

I know what I've done is wrong. I just don't know what to do anymore. Do I still keep trying? Should we both move on? I have paid Istikhara and there have been times when I could have walked out but I just stayed and kept trying to make it work. We are no longer intimate. The truth is I can no longer really like him so I can't bring myself to initiate any intimacy. If he wants to be intimate, I will do my duty as his wife but I just can't initiate it. I feel emotionally drained.

I really appreciate it if you read it to the end. And I would appreciate any advice.

 

[Eric H]

Greetings and peace be with you Aishath;

You can only change yourself, you cannot change your husband, your mother or anyone else. You have to become the change you want to see in other people.

I am sure that deep down, both you and your husband are kind and caring people, but it is incredibly difficult to be kind when life throws all its problems at both of you. There is an old Indian story I like. Inside each and everyone of us, there are two wolves that are always fighting, one is the kind and caring wolf, the other is the angry and aggressive wolf. The question you have to ask your self is this, which of my two wolves wins?

The answer is, the wolf you choose to feed, and you do have a choice. If you keep feeding the kind and caring wolf, the angry wolf becomes weaker. I think it takes more effort to feed the kind and caring side of our nature, it needs patience, perseverance, forgiveness and resilience. Anger on the other hand is often a swift response.

Anger is like picking up a burning coal, with the intention of throwing it at the person who angers you. The person who gets burned the most is you, the longer you hold onto this burning coal of anger the hotter it becomes.

The way to overcome anger is to forgive, you will know when you have really forgiven him, that is when you stop keeping a score of all his wrongs. So if you have an argument, you are not still blaming him for what happened yesterday, last month and last year. If you can truly forgive him, you will come to understand how you can also be forgiven yourself. Pray that Allah will bless your husband,

The definition of marriage that I like is this. An imperfect Man marries an imperfect woman, they have imperfect children and live in an imperfect world. Life is going to be tough living like this, I have only been married for thirty one years, the first thirty are the hardest, then it gets tougher. Fight all battles with loving kindness, constantly forgive and pray for Allah to help you stay together.

I pray that you and your husband may become a blessing to each other.

Eric

 

[Aishath]

Greetings and peace be with you Aishath;

You can only change yourself, you cannot change your husband, your mother or anyone else. You have to become the change you want to see in other people.

Eric

It's funny that you should say this because right after I posted on the forum, this was EXACTLY what I thought to myself. I asked myself, am I really truly doing the best I can in this marriage? Can I honestly say that I'm giving it a 100% everyday? And I realized the answer is no. There is so much more I could do. I could prepare his favorite meals for him more. I could make sure the house is neat and tidy more. I could give him his space more. There is so much more I can do.

I think I was so focused on everything he is doing wrong and everything that I'm not getting out of this marriage from his end that I forgot to take a look at myself and ask what I can do to make things better.

JazakAllah Khair for your response. I especially like the analogy about the two wolves. In Shaa Allah I am going to truly give it my best shot and if things still don't work out, Alhamdulillah at least I will know then that I really did give it my all and it just wasn't meant to be.

 

[Eric H]

Greetings and peace be with you Aishath;

I don't think anything can prepare us for marriage, we blunder into it, and keep making mistakes. In fact it almost seems we keep making the same mistakes over and over, until we learn to make our mistakes perfectly, but you are not alone.

Think about it this way, we put Allah first, our spouse second and ourselves last. If we put our own needs above those of Allah and our spouse, we get it wrong. It almost feels like a weakness that we have to keep giving in, but if we do, our spouse will hopefully see the change and reciprocate.

And just a little story about forgiving and letting go. About six years ago, I believe I was unfairly sacked from a job I had been doing for ten years. I never had a day of sick, I did a lot of the jobs other people seemed afraid to do, caring for people with challenging behaviour.

Even to this day I think it was unfair, but I feel it is better to forgive and strive to overcome any anger I have for them. So, to help me overcome my anger, I have done about fifteen hundred hours of voluntary work for the people who sacked me. I go back every week to take some of their guys to a club. Recently, I had a call from them, saying they had an emergency, and they needed someone to drive a mini bus, and could I help, so I did

I will voluntarily take a couple of the guys on holiday next week. At minimum wages I have probably given them about £10,000 of my time. Every now and then, I come into contact with the people responsible for my sacking.

People say I am mad, I should have sued for compensation, but I haven't got the time or energy to feel bitter and angry. I cannot explain the profound sense of peace that I feel, it is beyond money. If we can fight back with kindness, I believe it brings us closer to our God.

blessings

Eric

 

[muslim brother]

there are a few issues here which need resolving 1 is most urgent and immediate

you say you have been divorced by your husband numerous times...this needs to be taken to a mufti/scholar immediately

your anger issues are from toxic parenting and cultural issues,you are in essence a victim
but as adults we have to control our anger
[FONT=&quot]The Prophet Muhammad (

). Said :[/FONT]
" [SIZE=+1]Do not become angry “[/SIZE][FONT=&quot]The man asked the same question again and again and the Prophet Muhammad (

) Replied by in case by saying:[/FONT]
[SIZE=+1] “ Do not become angry and furious”[/SIZE]

 

[IbnAbdulHakim]

Assalamu Alaikum

I think you are in a situation now where it is better for you to do the right thing and NOT and I repeat NOT think about the outcome

Think only of Allah and his Messenger.

You are in the midst of a great great trial here

Do what you truly feel is best and right and do NOT think about his actions at all (stay away from all gossip/back biting and believe it at times like this it happens a lot)

take care!

 

[Serinity]

I think you should try to better yourself, instead of forcibly trying to change your husband. Allah won't change the state of a people unless they change what is inside of themselves.

So my advice to you is, change yourself, become a better muslim. I agree with [MENTION=370]Eric H[/MENTION] in that you need to change yourself, cuz you cant change others, unless you change yourself. Only Allah can change people.

So become a better you. You know you did wrong, and it is a very good trait that you acknowledge this, and introspect yourself.

I sense that you have become a very understanding woman. Please do NOT let your husband change you into becoming what you were in the past. Rather, you should become even BETTER. Perhaps, because you became better, Allah will make your husband's heart soft again.

Perhaps you could see this as "tasting your own medicine (what you did to him)" LEARN from this, what happened? what can YOU do better to better your relationship?

Change yourself, become a better Muslim. Pray to Allah, worship Allah, rely and ask Allah. When our hearts find complete reliance in Allah, only then can we truly calmly. Allahu alam, tho.

my mom used to say "never trust people in fixing your problems, only rely on Allah, none else. None can help YOU With your trials, except for Allah, so rely on Allah, and never give up!"

Or something like that. So rely on Allah, and change yourself. Try to better your character. Introspect and ask yourself. Do not project YOUR anger, and your problems on your husband, rather, introspect and take these trials as consctructive evidence/ sign for you to become better as a Muslim.

I repeat, my advice to you is, introspect and do not project your anger on your husband, find reliance in Allah, and become a better you, change in yourself, that which is contrary to Islam, or negative. I.e. anger, etc.

Allahu alam.

 

[*charisma*]

Walaikum Asalaam,

One thing that is very clear to me and was striking is that both of you allowed so much anger and resentment in your lives that you have pushed away the chances for forgiveness and iman because of certain actions or words that have been said.

For example:

He would bring up my past actions a lot and tell me about how I had ruined his life.

Bringing up someone's past actions causes a lot of resentment and is a way to guilt trip the other party. Neither of you should ever do that. If you forgive each other completely, then there's no reason to bring up the past even if the mistake is repeated again. As humans we constantly need reminders, and as a couple, there needs to be more kindness when it comes to correcting someone's mistakes. Saying "WELL, you used to do this and this, and you were a horrible person!!" is different than, "I love you, but you're repeating some things that you used to do and it upsets me a lot. I want to help you change from that, but if I'm the reason that makes you this way then you have to remind me to be better too."

My husband by this point really hated my mother for the negative things she has said and done and for how she had influenced my behavior towards him. [...]
He has told me that even if my mother dies he will not attend her funeral prayer and that if I live with him I have to be okay with it. What is hurting me is that I am really trying my best to be a better person but he no longer treats me with any respect.

Your husband should never make you feel resentment towards your mother. She's your mother, no matter how terrible of an influence she was on you. Our parents raise us the best way they know how, and perhaps that's how your mother was raised and so she raised you the same way. I can understand your husbands frustration towards her, but the moment he disrespects your family is where you have to stand your ground. As long as your mother is not involved in your life (which it doesn't seem like it) then he doesn't have any reason to talk about her. So even if he says something negative towards you, don't you ever harbor any negative feelings towards her. Otherwise you're being influenced in the same way by him as you were by her in the first place. You need to find your own identity and learn and grow from your mistakes to be a better version of your past self.

When my husband gets angry he throws things (he has stopped this habit now). He has physically pushed me into a glass balcony door. Alhamdulillah nothing happened. He swears at me and calls me names.

This is absolutely unacceptable. You both need to find ways to control your anger. If you feel the need to push his buttons, then just keep your mouth closed until the anger passes and you can discuss things with a right mind. If he feels the need to yell, curse, or be abusive, then he needs to go take a walk. And you both need to discuss this with each other and comply with it, because where things are going, it will only get worse if nothing changes.

We were at a restaurant and he got angry and said a lot of bad words at me and just walked out of there, leaving me alone. I was mortified and had to pay the cheque and walk out.

Your private matters should always remain private. I would be mortified if this happened in my life too. Your husband has to be your protector and guardian, yet not only did he insult you, but he left you there. This is not right at all. Again, you guys have to work on your anger issues. You have to be able to at least have a decent meal without anyone getting angry.

I picked up his phone and saw this chat log with another woman. I felt devastated. It was a friend from school. He had talked about how he got married too early and he had also flirted with her a lot. Sending her pictures of meals he had prepared for me and just generally flirting with her.

This is a sign that shaytan has really worked into the deepest parts of your marriage. Even if he wanted to "teach you a lesson" taking the haram route is not the way to do it. For him to talk to another woman so freely means he has already disconnected intimately with you.

That was the first day I didn't call him for Fajr.

This is another sign of shaytan working deeply by affecting your iman and the foundation of your marriage. Salaah is the one way that a worshipper is closest to his creation. You have to help your husband STAY on that path, not move away from it. Through salaah your husband could find the error in his ways and change. You should not forbid him from that when you have the opportunity to help him be a better muslim and husband.

I confronted him about it and he said he did it on purpose. He hadn't ben trying to hide it from me. But i have hurt him so many times with my behavior that he just wanted to hurt me. He wanted me to know what hurt was. what sadness was. I cried for days. I tried to forgive him. But he adopted a really defensive stance and said how he knows what he did was wrong but he wanted me to learn a lesson.

What he did was absolutely wrong, and there's no legitimate reason for it. When he gives a reason like this it could mean that he would have no problem repeating it in the future. He has to own up to his mistake and assure you that he would never repeat it again.

Whereas my husband got involved in this long chat with a girl. The girl was asking for photos of the kitten and my husband took a photo of the cat with it on his lap. He didn't include his face. But I still felt this is wrong. I didn't confront him about it.

Because of what he did previously, it has now caused some trust issues between you. You need to repair that and get to a place where you can trust him again. It won't matter if you confront him about it because if you are in your right mind, it may not seem out of the ordinary, but because of what he did before, it has caused some trust problems and jealousy so now you're going to see any girl he talks to as a target for these feelings.

I know what I've done is wrong. I just don't know what to do anymore. Do I still keep trying? Should we both move on? I have paid Istikhara and there have been times when I could have walked out but I just stayed and kept trying to make it work. We are no longer intimate. The truth is I can no longer really like him so I can't bring myself to initiate any intimacy. If he wants to be intimate, I will do my duty as his wife but I just can't initiate it. I feel emotionally drained.

Since you've already prayed istikhara and you still want to fix things, then you have that chance to fix things.

1) Work on yourself. You have to be your own person and not let your iman be affected. In fact, you need to strengthen your iman so much more. If you involve yourself in just that, it will take away so many of your problems, because the more we learn and connect with our deen, the more we learn about the right things to do and how to be patient and trust in Allah's decree. Increasing your piety will also rub off on your husband inshallah. But you must begin with yourself. No one can help you do this. You are accountable for your own actions and soul.

2) Do your duty as a wife. I don't mean the cooking, cleaning and all of that. I mean by being your husband's best friend. When was the last time you guys did anything that made you laugh together or have fun? You have to find that balance. You have to be at a point where you hate fighting because you hate hurting each other. If you don't have that feeling of love and care, then there's no limit to how dark your fights will turn.

3) COMMUNICATE. Both of you need to learn how to communicate your feelings effectively without fighting and bringing up issues from the past. If there's a problem, then discuss ONLY that problem, solve it, and move on. I know he has hurt you a lot since you noted all of these things he has said and did to you in the past (through your post), but you have to learn to let it go. Not being able to let go and fix the problem right then and there just lets everything build up inside and cause more problems in future conflicts. Married couples argue, that's normal. But the arguments should never turn violent, nor should they cause destruction or deep pain that lasts for months or years. There has to be a level of respect and tolerance there even when you argue.

4) Realize change. You are both ever changing. YOu will continue to change. Who you are today is not the same person that you were when you were married. WHo your husband is today is also not the same person you married. ANd I'm 100% sure you are both still unhappy with the way you both are today. So now you have to figure out how to make marriage work by figuring out how to work with each other. I bet there are so many things you do not even know about him. You both see each other's bad sides, but do you know anything more than that? Does he know how to make you happy? Do you know how to make him happy? Does he know what your dreams and aspirations are and vice versa? etc. You need to reintroduce yourselves to each other. I know that sounds kinda weird..but if there's no connection there anymore, you have to make the chemistry return and revisit the purpose of why you both fell in love in the first place. This is going to take effort on both parts, and there's nothing wrong with kickstarting the process if he's being clueless. Otherwise, if you stay married like this, one of you (or both) is going to stray and find someone who will make them feel what they want to feel.

 

[mission2succeed]

Assalaamu Alaikum

I have posted here numerous times about my waswas issues and my marriage problems. Please bear with me as this may be a long post but I really would like some help In Shaa Allah.

I got married in 2014. Before then, I used to have really bad waswas problems and these accelerated after my nikah too. But at the same time, I have to be really honest. I was a pretty awful wife to begin with. I was very childish and immature. I used to complain about things that were in our Deen too. Like saying things like how easy it is for men cz they can wear whatever they want but even in the hot weather we have to cover up and how I don't want to get pregnant cz I'll get stretch marks. And it's not fair that men don't get etc etc. It got worse when I started experiencing a lot of anger over my family issues. How my dad didn't treat us equally etc etc. My husband took in all this and he was very patient and tried to advise me through all this. I have to give him credit where it is due. It won't be fair otherwise. He was extremely patient with me during all this. He kept trying to help me even when I became really really petty. When my mom came back from holidays and gave him an extra present I got mad. In front of him. And complained how I didn't get as much. I know I have been absolutely horrible. I know that and I beg you to please not pass judgment on me.

Within three months after our nikah we got a divorce. My husband said He has divorced me in anger. This was at the height of my arrogance and obnoxious-ness during my marriage. We did rujoo and kept going.

Slowly I tried my best to change. Yes it came too late. By then my husband no longer loved me the same. He was also getting short tempered and just wouldn't put up with my idiocy anymore. I tried to change and slowly I began to be able to control my temper. But I didn't really succeed until this year and even I still struggle. But I no longer say the kind of things about things within the Deen and I regret so much the things I did. I have learnt to let go of the things that happened regarding my family issues and learnt not to burden my husband with them as much as possible.

But I think it is too late now. Over the 2+ years we have been married my husband has divorced me once and walked out 4 times with all his stuff. The first time was for two days and I begged him to come back and our families got involved too. The second time he wanted to come back. The 3rd time was the worst cz he went abroad for a month. We managed to rebuild our relationship during that time and he came back. But I could see he was no longer happy too. He would bring up my past actions a lot and tell me about how I had ruined his life. How I was the biggest headache he had. How he would be able to live in such peace if it only weren't for me. These words hurt but I tried. He told me (this was after he had moved in again after the 3rd walkout), to leave him alone and I need to focus on myself. I did make horrible mistakes prior to him walking out the third time. I had made comments about money and talked in really hurtful ways. I still had not learnt my lesson. But after he came back, I tried my best to just grow up and work things out.

My husband would say things like how I am very negative and I need to stop the negativity and how I blame him for things that are going wrong. And I realized that yes I was doing these things and I tried to be conscious about not being such a negative person and complain. My mother had been the same way and I realized I was copying her ways a lot too in my marriage and that was unacceptable. My husband by this point really hated my mother for the negative things she has said and done and for how she had influenced my behavior towards him. We had also made the mistake of going into business together which was further affecting our marriage. During this time I had also gained a lot of weight which further added to the strain on our marriage.

I know so much of this is my fault. I know that. And that's why I keep trying to fix this marriage. Even though in recent times he has not treated me very well. When my husband gets angry he throws things (he has stopped this habit now). He has physically pushed me into a glass balcony door. Alhamdulillah nothing happened. He swears at me and calls me names. He has told me that even if my mother dies he will not attend her funeral prayer and that if I live with him I have to be okay with it. What is hurting me is that I am really trying my best to be a better person but he no longer treats me with any respect. We were at a restaurant and he got angry and said a lot of bad words at me and just walked out of there, leaving me alone. I was mortified and had to pay the cheque and walk out. Where we live isn't so big so it wasn't an issue of getting home. Yet after all this, each and every time I beg him for forgiveness and ask him to please give me a chance.

There was a time when one morning I woke up for Fajr and after doing wudu I called my husband. He told me he has set the alarm and he'll get up in a few minutes. I went to check his phone to make sure the alarm was on so that I could go and pray in another room and know that he would be getting up. I picked up his phone and saw this chat log with another woman. I felt devastated. It was a friend from school. He had talked about how he got married too early and he had also flirted with her a lot. Sending her pictures of meals he had prepared for me and just generally flirting with her. That was the first day I didn't call him for Fajr. His alarm wasn't on anyway. But I just sat there and I didn't even call him for Fajr.

I confronted him about it and he said he did it on purpose. He hadn't ben trying to hide it from me. But i have hurt him so many times with my behavior that he just wanted to hurt me. He wanted me to know what hurt was. what sadness was. I cried for days. I tried to forgive him. But he adopted a really defensive stance and said how he knows what he did was wrong but he wanted me to learn a lesson.

I forgave that and I moved on. We started living together again. The other day I saw on his Facebook how he had talked to a girl about adopting a kitten. This was a girl from a cat group on Facebook and we had both been trying to adopt a kitten. We already had one but wanted a companion. For me, if i find a post online from someone who was giving up a kitten for adoption and if that was a man, I would just message him and ask him if this kitten was still available and if so could he please call and let us know what we can do. And I would give my husband's number and that would be it. And my husband would be aware of this too. Whereas my husband got involved in this long chat with a girl. The girl was asking for photos of the kitten and my husband took a photo of the cat with it on his lap. He didn't include his face. But I still felt this is wrong. I didn't confront him about it.

I know what I've done is wrong. I just don't know what to do anymore. Do I still keep trying? Should we both move on? I have paid Istikhara and there have been times when I could have walked out but I just stayed and kept trying to make it work. We are no longer intimate. The truth is I can no longer really like him so I can't bring myself to initiate any intimacy. If he wants to be intimate, I will do my duty as his wife but I just can't initiate it. I feel emotionally drained.

I really appreciate it if you read it to the end. And I would appreciate any advice.

Sister jazakillah khairah for your lengthy post I don't normally read lengthy posts.
Anyway after everything you said my advice is the following:-

1) Allah doesn't burden a soul beyond his capacity.
2) This world is a test.
3) We should not love anyone more than Allah Subhana wa talah and then our prophet (saw).
4) On a wife is to listen to her husband as long as it doesn't go against Quran and Sunnah.
5) Deen is for both husband and the wife and marriage is about both the partners treating each other in fairness.
6) Allah forgives your past sins if you truly repent and turn to him.
7) You realize where you are wrong which is good.
8) It seems your husband is being very negative and constantly putting you down and bringing you down.
9) I say your husband needs to look at himself and what he is doing before he points the finger at you.
10) Hitting you and swearing at you are matters that are disliked in Islam.
11) Openly or secretly communicating with the opposite sex in flirtatious way is not allowed.
12) It seems your husband thinks he can do whatever he likes and just blame you well this is wrong.
13) You have prayed istikara which is good so insha'allah whatever is best for you Allah will guide you towards it.
14) You need to concentrate on building your relationship with Allah subhana wa talah as this will help your situation.
15) Marriage is built on trust and love and if that is not there it is not going to get any easier in the future.
16) You need to decide from a religious point of view what is best for you.
17) If being around your husband brings you down and takes you away from your religion then I would advice you to move away from him.
18) You said you had a was-was problem then you need to be careful as you can easily fall into this.
19) It is also possible your marriage could have got the evil eye or someone could have done black magic on you both.
20) My advise is to perform self ruqiyah on yourself to see if this could be the cause of the problem.
21) I hope the above points have helped if you require further help you can even pm me insha'allah.

 

[Eric H]

Greetings and peace be with you Aishath;

How are you today?

Sadly, it is always easy for us to give advice, but we are not the ones having to live with your problems.

I pray that you and your husband may be a blessing to each other.

Eric