Recently married and haven't stopped arguing from day one...

[YM Usrah Umar]

iv been married for 9 months now and ever since day one we have argued. honestly i am soooo down, so upset. now your probably thinking oh this brother is making it big deal etc but il give u few examples and you'll see this isnt the stuff we should be arguing about.

one time when we were in honeymoon and this is within 3rd week of marriage we were in mosque courtyard and i said lets read zuhr...she turned around and said p*** off, get lost...im not reading etc etc even though she reads 5 times day, our whole honeymoon was ruined in some way because (1) she wasnt outgoing at all, we wouldv only got out for 2 hours and immediatly she would ask to go back to hotel room. (2) bcuz of this behavior it made me homesick as much as it was for her.

for the first few months she would swear at me but she hasnt swore at me since but she would still give me verbal abuse such as i cant wait to go back to home (shes from london, im from manchester), i regret my decision marrying you, i hate you etc etc etc. and then she'll say shes joking and shes sorry....but she says sorry all the time.

also im not expectng my wife to work as she doesnt want but at the same time...i said to her b4 marriage on several occasions on numerous times, that i wanted her to make friends here, get invovled in islamic work and study the deen....thats all i ask of her but shes always couped up in the bedroom.

she tends to keep stuff from me and when i ask why she did this she will reply i dont answer to you e.g. she applied to college course without asking me. and lastly i always tell her i wanna to talk to u about stuff, like whats going on, on the news etc etc but she gives me 2 word convos. i wish i had followed this advice but her dad told me not to get her a mobile phone, i thought to myself that her dad was abit harsh and what was the problem with getting her a phone but now i see why...shes always on it and always beg her to get off it in order to talk or sleep.

any advice brothers and sisters? our parents know whats happening. i am going to london next week and i will certainly discuss with her parents but...i dont know...i feel so sad and upset about this whole thing.

 

[Eric H]

Greetings and peace be with you YM Usrah Umar;

Relationships have to be one of the toughest things we do in life, an imperfect man, marries an imperfect woman and they have imperfect children, and somehow we have to make some sense from all this mess. I have been married over thirty years, the first thirty are the hardest, and it does not seem to get any easier.

When you learn to dodge the odd flying knife and random objects, persevere with loving kindness, fight all battles with kindness and forgiveness, lots of prayers, always give thanks to Allah for all the good that happens.

I love my wife, and would not change her for anyone, we have lovely children and grandchildren, but they come with problems. Oh, and did I mention it does not seem to get easier.

In the spirit of persevering with loving kindness,

Eric

 

[YM Usrah Umar]

Jazaks for the reply brother eric.

Ok ur 30 yrs is bettr than my 9 months...but tell me bro eric...do u guys argue every second day? For example why i didnt go to shops when.im back from work at 11pm and she had all day and money to go shops herself.

If i refuse to do something then she uses it as an excuse to say bcuz of u im not praying.

Its literally a small thing we argue about

 

[Lady A]

Was her behavior like this before marriage? Did you ask family and friends of her personality?

 

[smallkid]

bro she has to answer for he own deeds, not praying because of you is a ---- way of putting one's own blame on others.

 

[YM Usrah Umar]

Was her behavior like this before marriage? Did you ask family and friends of her personality?

to a degree yes but i didnt realise it would be this bad. i would say she isnt acting for her age and she is 26 yrs old. i was given advice before marriage which was "when a person lives you..you will truly know what they are like" and i guess thats what im facing with at the momemnt

 

[YM Usrah Umar]

bro she has to answer for he own deeds, not praying because of you is a ---- way of putting one's own blame on others.

exactly, responses such like this is childish.

 

[smallkid]

However, for you divorce is not an option because it is one of the most disliked halal acts by Allah SWT

 

[~ Sabr ~]

:salamext:

Have you tried to talk to her?

 

[IbnAbdulHakim]

be honest bro

is this a case of forced marriage or something?

sounds like she cant stand you.

 

[Lady A]

Remind her that she is your responsibility and sternly tell her you want the best for her and she needs to be willing to cooperate. Ask her to be open about whatever she is going through mentally, and listen as a friend. 26 is an adult age, and issues should be dealt with maturely. Maybe her strict background didn't allow her to develop in a positive way. Pray tahajjud and ask Allah to guide you and bless you with patience and strength. In time, she will change and have a beautiful personality or you will realize you don't want her in your life. But Allah will be with you every step of the way. This is your challenge, and inshAllah you will succeed!

 

[YM Usrah Umar]

:salamext:

Have you tried to talk to her?

of course all the time....but its like cant take what im saying/my advice....its like i say something...she says somethign different. we cant seem to agree.

be honest bro

is this a case of forced marriage or something?

sounds like she cant stand you.

nah it wasnt forced...it was choice.

Remind her that she is your responsibility and sternly tell her you want the best for her and she needs to be willing to cooperate. Ask her to be open about whatever she is going through mentally, and listen as a friend. 26 is an adult age, and issues should be dealt with maturely. Maybe her strict background didn't allow her to develop in a positive way. Pray tahajjud and ask Allah to guide you and bless you with patience and strength. In time, she will change and have a beautiful personality or you will realize you don't want her in your life. But Allah will be with you every step of the way. This is your challenge, and inshAllah you will succeed!

thats all i want...the best for her. it seems like for few ppl when you give them religious advice they take offence to it...how can you take offence to religious advice? the only thing i ask of her is to be more religious conscious, study her deen. im not asking her to work.

lol i would love it if he could enjoy

hence my question

i am enjoy it alhumdulilah...but this is weighing it down in a way

 

[BeTheChange]

Asalamualykum,

You said you've tried talking to her and your wife takes offence to your words.

Try speaking to her when she's in a good mood and raise your concerns.

Say something along the lines, "I am your husband, i want what's best for you and i don't want to burden you with more than you can take. In order for our marriage to work, we need to communicate and i need to know how to support you. I feel you are blocking all doors for me and you're not letting me in. Please let me in, so we can bond and enjoy a happy relationship." In sha Allah.

Just let her know you are there whenever, she needs to talk.

In sha Allah, with the door of communication open, she'll talk to you when she is ready.

In the meantime, continue doing your husband duties. Try and go the extra mile and in sha Allah, she'll grow out of this darkness. Ameen.

 

[Lady A]

thats all i want...the best for her. it seems like for few ppl when you give them religious advice they take offence to it...how can you take offence to religious advice? the only thing i ask of her is to be more religious conscious, study her deen. im not asking her to work.

Find a common ground of interest first. Even if its a sport or hobby and totally unrelated to deen. Once the friendship is there she may be more open to listen to advice on deen. And like Sister BeTheChange said, maintain your duties as a husband, as hard as it may be. It is said marriage is half your deen because of the responsibilities and patience it takes to make the institution a blessed one.

 

[YM Usrah Umar]

Asalamualykum,

You said you've tried talking to her and your wife takes offence to your words.

Try speaking to her when she's in a good mood and raise your concerns.

Say something along the lines, "I am your husband, i want what's best for you and i don't want to burden you with more than you can take. In order for our marriage to work, we need to communicate and i need to know how to support you. I feel you are blocking all doors for me and you're not letting me in. Please let me in, so we can bond and enjoy a happy relationship." In sha Allah.

Just let her know you are there whenever, she needs to talk.

In sha Allah, with the door of communication open, she'll talk to you when she is ready.

In the meantime, continue doing your husband duties. Try and go the extra mile and in sha Allah, she'll grow out of this darkness. Ameen.

Jazakullah for that, i have been reminded by my mum this advice u hav given me. Appreciate it

Find a common ground of interest first. Even if its a sport or hobby and totally unrelated to deen. Once the friendship is there she may be more open to listen to advice on deen. And like Sister BeTheChange said, maintain your duties as a husband, as hard as it may be. It is said marriage is half your deen because of the responsibilities and patience it takes to make the institution a blessed one.

That i have been doin since day one. We play darts in the house, she plays but can be uncorporative at times lol, we play video games and go bowling and arcade. My plan was to go bowling evry weekend but whenevr argument takes place then we dont go out

 

[Eric H]

Greetings and peace be with you YM Usrah Umar;

Jazaks for the reply brother eric.

And thank you too.

Ok ur 30 yrs is bettr than my 9 months...but tell me bro eric...do u guys argue every second day? For example why i didnt go to shops when.im back from work at 11pm and she had all day and money to go shops herself.

Similar, but different.

If i refuse to do something then she uses it as an excuse to say bcuz of u im not praying.

Women are clearly much better than we are at negotiating on their terms, everything is our fault

Its literally a small thing we argue about

A nuclear bomb is a little thing, but look at it's disruptive power. Over time, I have learned to let go of the little things, I tend to let her have her way most of the time, but there are occasions I feel determined to do something, and generally I am granted my wishes. Try and fight all battles with loving kindness, there is a prayer I like......

Lord grant me the peace and serenity to live with the things I cannot change.
Grant me the courage to change the things I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.

The first line is so important to understand, we cannot change other people, what happened yesterday, much of our circumstances, there are so many thing that are out of our power to change, yet we need to find ways of living in peace with all this conflict.
The second line of the prayer is courage to change the things we can, the bottom line seems to be, there is very little we can change, other than our reaction, and what goes on in our head.
Wisdom is getting this balance right, if you want to change the stuff that cannot be changed, it will lead you to anger and depression. If you don't adapt with loving kindness and change yourself it will also lead to anger and depression.

Perseverance in many relationship can seem a grind, we journey always one day at a time, we give thanks for all the good things that happen. We search for the good in all people, they are all part of Allah's wonderful creation.

In the spirit of praying for persevering with loving kindness

Eric

 

[Scimitar]

take another wife? jealousy can humble a lady.

Scimi

 

[Eric H]

Greetings and peace be with you brother Scimi;

take another wife? jealousy can humble a lady.

Under the circumstances, I think it might be easier to live with tsunamis, earthquakes and tornados. However, some people like a challenge, so it could be a possible solution.

Would you be prepared to follow your suggestion?

In the spirit of running for cover

Eric

 

[Scimitar]

Greetings and peace be with you brother Scimi;

Peace be with you bro Eric

Under the circumstances, I think it might be easier to live with tsunamis, earthquakes and tornados. However, some people like a challenge, so it could be a possible solution.

Allah doesn't test a soul beyond its ability who knows bro. Until one tries, it cannot be known.

Would you be prepared to follow your suggestion?

I still need to get married. One is hard enough to find - two? Well, now that is something I couldn't consider in all honesty.

In the spirit of running for cover

Eric

I lol'd

I'm guessing our posts will go missing in a few hours. Duck and cover - INCOMING

Scimi

 

[Sakina'141]

Sorry to hear about your situation brother. Your wife's behaviour does seem strange, may be something is bothering her and hasn't told you about what's bothering her. When the two of you are arguing, what does she argue about? What seems to annoy/bother her? Like some of the sisters have already suggested, you should try to communicate with her so you can have a open, honest conversation without getting into an argument. It would really help if you can stay calm and collected when your wife is trying to argue or be offensive, if your remain cool, she will eventually have to calm down and will have to have a civilised discussion. On the plus side, it's good that you are able to have some good times going out and play, keep up these activities, also ask her what other things she would also like to do together; you are lucky your wife likes playing video games and darts, I know that not all women would find that fun! I think you should still speak to her parents when you go to London if you are still experiencing difficulties communicating with her, you should probably tell her very gently you are going to do this before you speak to her parents as she probably won't be pleased when she finds out from her parents; it's always good to be open and honest when it comes to all close relationships.

May Allah resolve all the issues in your marriage and increase the love, understanding and compassion within your marriage, Ameen.