Regretting my marriage.

[_Siraj_]

I've been married several years to my wife; it was a marriage we decided on ourselves.

We'd met several times over the space of around 4-5 months before the topic of marriage was brought up. For me that was way too soon, and I made it known that I wasn't comfortable with it and I didn't want to marry so early. There's a cultural difference, in where my wife if from a culture of marriage without meeting, meeting only a few times or arranged by parents. I don't like or agree with that practice and I was up front in saying that I don't agree with fast marriages when two people barely know each other.

I was told that my wife's visa was due to expire and she was going to either have to get a visa from her work or get married. If not, she'd face going back to her home country, where she hadn't lived for 5-6 years. She had also been married before, which didn't end well, and I wasn't sure if it was safe for her to return.

Her employer offered her a new work contract, which was pretty poor and I advised her the contract was bad. Before she could decline the contract, the visa was already offered to another employee. That left only two options, get married to a UK citizen or return to her home country.

Since at the time we'd been meeting each other 7-8 months, her and her sister brought up the topic of marriage again as the only way to keep her in the country. I didn't like the idea as I wasn't in love and I didn't want to be a visa ticket (to be clear, I don't believe I was used as a visa ticket). I will also add, we had been physically involved, which we knew was wrong and haram. To me it felt like I was in a relationship with a girlfriend, I'm western and wasn't always Muslim, so that kind of thing was normal for me.

We got on well, but there wasn't the kind of connection between us that would make me want to look at a long term future with her, but I'd already crossed a line with her, I enjoyed spending time with her and her sister, and I felt guilty about not feeling the same way as she did for me.

We decided to go for Nikah, I saw that as the safter option because it meant I didn't have any legal commitment to her and she could apply for a partner visa. However, this was later rejected, and she was told she had to leave and return to her home country. This caused panic and the only way to stop her going back to her home country, was to marry me.

I already felt guilt about us being physical, I felt guilt that her work visa was offered to someone else because I caused her to stall on the contract. I felt guilty that I had been a new addition to her life and would be the cause of her returning to her old life, which may cause problems for her with her ex-husband and his family. So, I agreed that we would marry under UK law.

Once we got married, she moved into my home and we lived as husband and wife for a couple of years, we have never been comfortable enough to really talk and expose ourselves to each other in a way that makes us vulnerable, which I always found strange. If there were times she would go away for work or I would, we would stay in touch, but I never actually missed being with her. I told her I did because she asked and I would feel horrid if I said no.

For the first few years, I tried to be a good husband, I was faithful and loyal. I would try to go out of my way to be good to her. I hoped that someday I would feel how she felt about me. I would often lay awake looking at her asleep and feeling too much guilt that I wasn't in love with her.

We'd been together for a few years and she became pregnant. I was hoping that this would be what we needed to bring us closer together. I took care of her a lot because she was carrying my baby. After our child was born, the feelings didn't change. I tried harder to fall in love I felt guilty that I wasn't. I often regretted marrying her and that made me feel worse because without that, my child wouldn't exist. So, I began to resent myself and that has also impacted the bond I have with my child. I play and take care of our child a lot but not nearly as much as I should. Sometimes I'm very distant because I feel resentment for myself and my wife because I regret the marriage that created our child.

Our child is now 3, he is happy. However, we aren’t. We don't share a bed; we barely talk and we're more like co-parents than a married couple. She has told me a few months ago that she isn't happy, I didn't respond. I didn’t feel any pain from hearing that, not for me anyway. I felt bad for my son. But for me? I was fine with it because I hadn't been happy for years. I’ve often looked in to getting a divorce but always felt guilty about that because it may jeopardise her visa situation and our child needs both parents.

We're now individually going through therapy; which I believe she is hoping will result in a marriage counselling process that will help our marriage. However, I'm thinking more along the lines of being friends and co-parents. I've tried pretending and tried to make myself fall in love and I can't. She is a lovely person, she's loyal and kind, we're just too different and it was the circumstances of her visa that made me agree to marriage. It has caused me to be resentful of myself mostly, for being too weak to say no to the marriage idea when it could have made a difference. I feel so trapped that only death feels like the way out, but I don't want to go down that road because it too has its damaging effects on those left behind and I don't want my son to grow up without a father.

I myself come from a broken home, so I understand the impacts that can have on a child. I also know that two parents staying together purely for a child is bad for the child because a child models their beliefs of a relationship based on significant figures in their life. We're the most significant figures in our child's life. If we're unaffectionate, distant and uncomfortable with each other, children can pick up on that. So I worry it'll have long term impacts on my child if I remain in the marriage purely for that reason.

Is divorce in Islam frowned upon for the reasons I've stated?
Was the marriage wrong in Islam because I felt guilt and obligation to prevent her going back to her home country?

I don't see a way out of this situation, but my ideal scenario is that we separate amicably and remain friends and parents.

 

[Al-Ansariyah]

السلام عليكم ورحمةالله وبركاته
It's good that you both are trying to stay together. In sha Allah, it will all be well. Make lots of dua. Divorce should be avoided as much as possible. Allah dislikes it. So it shouldnt be our first option if marriage doesnt work!
And you cannot be friends after you get separated.
Stay patient and Allah will make a way out.

 

[iammuslim98]

Aoa.
Islam allows divorce if they are not happy together. Take example of zainab and zaid bin harith. Imo u guys should divorce. Otherwise ur child will grow up blaming himself for ur unhappy life. Child needs love. And care. He needs to see it between his parents. Best course of action is divorce. But u should stay amicable afterwards so that ur son would have a healthy life. I have a friend, whose parents never got along. And in turn their child began to blame himself,. Mentally tortured and now is too scared to marry becauee of the fights and unhealthy relationship his parents shared

 

[*charisma*]

Assalamu Alaikum,

It is not on us to decide whether divorce is right for him. So please be careful when giving your opinions on someone else's life when it concerns a marriage.

We're now individually going through therapy; which I believe she is hoping will result in a marriage counselling process that will help our marriage. However, I'm thinking more along the lines of being friends and co-parents. I've tried pretending and tried to make myself fall in love and I can't. She is a lovely person, she's loyal and kind, we're just too different and it was the circumstances of her visa that made me agree to marriage. It has caused me to be resentful of myself mostly, for being too weak to say no to the marriage idea when it could have made a difference. I feel so trapped that only death feels like the way out, but I don't want to go down that road because it too has its damaging effects on those left behind and I don't want my son to grow up without a father.

I myself come from a broken home, so I understand the impacts that can have on a child. I also know that two parents staying together purely for a child is bad for the child because a child models their beliefs of a relationship based on significant figures in their life. We're the most significant figures in our child's life. If we're unaffectionate, distant and uncomfortable with each other, children can pick up on that. So I worry it'll have long term impacts on my child if I remain in the marriage purely for that reason.

Is divorce in Islam frowned upon for the reasons I've stated?
Was the marriage wrong in Islam because I felt guilt and obligation to prevent her going back to her home country?

I don't see a way out of this situation, but my ideal scenario is that we separate amicably and remain friends and parents.

Are your reasons valid for divorce?
Yes they are. Your needs are not being met and neither are hers.
Should you get divorced? That's on you to decide.

You were not obligated to marry her in the first place, even if you committed physical acts with her. However, I understand that you were trying to protect her honor and felt guilty about what you did. Though did that route bring you happiness?

The cold hard truth here is that you are feeling a lot of guilt and you compensate it by punishing yourself, and you punish yourself in silence by pretending to be someone you're not. You're an adult now so you have to start communicating what you feel and what you think, instead of worrying about how the other person will take it or waiting for them to initiate and poke around to get you to say the truth. Your voice needs to be heard not stifled. You could've saved yourself so much pain had you done that in the first place.

A therapist isn't going to help, you know that, your wife probably knows it as well. You're not in love with her and if you can't convince yourself to be, then no one is going to be able to convince you. Save her time, and your time, and just have a real conversation. It's not going to be easy, but will it be easy not speaking? Look how it has snowballed with a kid involved as well.

Secondly, you need to learn from your mistakes bro. Don't do anything that you don't want to be accountable for. Don't mess with girls if you know that it will guilt you into having to marry them. Don't have kids if you know there's a chance it's not going to fulfill you. Find your purpose in life on your own and don't involve others in that journey unless they are there to actually improve you and break you out of your shell. The solution to this problem is through you conveying to your wife that there are problems and exactly what those problems are. Then everything else will start to take place. I know it's scary because these are your mistakes and you will have a lot of blame as you rightly deserve it, but its time to own up to it, don't you think?