so basically, i'm in luv with another girl (this was before i was practisin n i'm still not proper over it), n i got married to another one due to culture n that..
she's about to come from abroad soon.. and i really dnt want her fallin for me, otherwise she would get hurt real bad.. i dnt wna hurt no-one cuz i've had bad experiences like this already..
pray for me plz.. n is there anythin practical i can do about it? i cant separate with this new girl cuz of family reasons..
help..
Brother,
I think you've got some excellent advice so far, Masha'Allaah from sisters especially, who can probably give you a much better insight than bros on how something like this would be felt by a newlywed sister. But as a brother, I have some advice for you so here goes Insha'Allaah.
I think you're looking at this entire situation from the wrong perspective bro. You need to realize that whatever happened already, THAT is what was going to happen
regardless of anything that you could have done to have something else, and this is because of our belief in Qadr. I cannot tell you how beneficial it is to strengthen one's belief in Qadr, especially when one is going through these kinds of situations involving love and similar emotions. The entire falling in love and then not being able to be with the one you want to be with is very tough and the days after just get tougher and you feel like you never want to love again and you really torture yourself over your beloved. But there comes a time when you really need to just wake up and realize that you need to move on in life and that you have obligations upon you from Allaah that you need to fulfill. You have to understand that, in your situation especially, as I see it, 1) It was the decree of Allaah that what passed came to pass & 2) You're married now and you have obligations towards your wife for which you will be questioned about.
As a husband, you cannot go into marriage expecting it to be how you imagined it would be with your beloved. Love marriages are awesome, definitely, but it is said that the real love begins when the "in love" phase is over. What's better for you is to have good thoughts about Allaah and put your trust in Him and leave your affairs to Him, He is the best disposer of affairs. Perhaps you may dislike something about your new wife but remember that Allaah says:
{
And live with them in kindness. For if you dislike them - perhaps you dislike a thing and Allah makes therein much good.}[
an-Nisaa;19]
Ibn Katheer said in regards to the Tafseer of this verse: "
Allah says that your patience, which is demonstrated by keeping wives whom you dislike, carries good rewards for you in this life and the Hereafter. Ibn `Abbas commented on this Ayah, "That the husband may feel compassion towards his wife and Allah gives him a child with her, and this child carries tremendous goodness.''"
I mean I do not really know what other advise I can give except that have patience and fortify your belief in Qadar. By the permission of Allaah, sincere patience and perseverance, belief in Qadr and accepting Allaah's Decree upon you (and if you want extra reward, being pleased with His Decree) brings much healing to even the greatest sorrows. I take it you're a young brother seeing how it seems from your posts that you haven't spent much time with your wife. Perhaps you have a long life ahead of you bro, and it really is a shame to spend all of that married life to come by brooding over someone who you loved for a while in the past. For the sake of Allaah, try to understand what your new wife must be feeling? She's coming over to be with her husband in the West, she's (I'm assuming) young, and she's probably talking to all her friends there about how happy she thinks she's going to be, and (again I'm assuming) she's leaving her parents from abroad to start a life with you, would you really want to be towards in a manner that would make her hate her marriage? I mean it's really one of two things, you're either with her in manner that would bring happiness to both of you or you be cold and indifferent towards her thereby making your own life miserable by constant reminisce and her life miserable by being with her in a way that is completely different than the way the Messenger was with his wives. She
has rights upon you from the moment you accepted the nikah and you will be questioned about these rights my brother and know that zulm towards another, especially in not honoring their rights is a very serious matter in the Sight of Allaah; so have patience and make lots of Dua' that Allaah make it easy for you two.
It was narrated that Anas (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said (translation of the meaning):
“Whoever is mainly concerned about the Hereafter, Allaah will make him feel independent of others and will make him focused and content, and his worldly affairs will fall into place. But whoever is mainly concerned with this world, Allaah will make him feel in constant need of others and will make him distracted and unfocused, and he will get nothing of this world except what is decreed for him.”
Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 2389; classed as saheeh by Shaykh al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’, 6510
Here are a couple lines of Imam Shafiee's poetry:
And don’t despair over the events of the past
For none of the events of the dunya were ever meant to remain
And be a man who is firm upon his affairs
And whose character is that of pardoning and nobility
And there is no sadness or happiness that is continuous
Just as there is there is no comfort or pain
If you are a person who is satisfied with what he has
Then you and the owner of all possessions are equal
Ibn Qayyim said: "
The heart will rest and feel relief if it is settled with Allaah and it will worry and be anxious if it is settled with people."
I know that perhaps I am underestimating the emotions in you at the moment, but bro, until you turn your back on them and realize that all is not over, you will keep continuing in these saddening thoughts. Here are some threads and links to read that can perhaps serve as a reminder.
http://www.islamicboard.com/aqeedah/41913-twelve-benefits-believing-qadar.html
http://www.islamicboard.com/930039-post1.html
http://www.islamicboard.com/miscell...ake-away-his-distress-grief-replace-ease.html
http://www.islamicboard.com/miscellaneous/42148-o-allaah-i-take-refuge-you.html
http://www.islamicboard.com/manners...-dispelling-anxiety-ibn-hazm-al-andalusi.html
