Sallams. My soon to be wife has a past...

[Stoic]

So I'm marrying a single mom. She divorced becuz she was cheated on. 5 years after she committed zina with another man. 5 years after that...here we are planning to get married in a couple weeks...it was just day ago she decided to tell me she did the disgusting act and so ill be the third person she sleeps with. When she told me I was heartbroken. Like how can she do that. She tells me she's been repenting since and crying feel really awful about it.

If she is sincere in changing then ill forgive her. Am I wrong to forgive her about her past? Should I just drop her?

 

[Patrick84]

Brother,

The Quran says that an adulterer can only marry an adulteress - but I believe when someone truly repents then that is only between them and Allah.


However, the psychological consequences can be disastrous, especially if you yourself never committed Zina (which I am assuming so).


This can play on your mind throughout your marriage and can be devastating, so I would be careful. You may at times think, gosh, am I better than her previous experiences? She has been around a bit, so she has probably experienced all kinds of stuff - this is reality and it can play on your mind, and I have seen marriages break when a virgin has married someone who was promiscuous in their previous lives.


My opinion is - if it doesn't affect you at all mentally/psychologically then sure, Allah is oft-forgiving most merciful - that's between Allah and her, then build a bridge and get over it.


If you feel there is a risk of you not getting over it, then keep well away.


My formula is, if you have committed zina, then don't be going around looking for a virgin.


If you were previously married, whatever happened is not your fault, I would advise to marry a divorcee, unless you find a birgin/less experienced person who will not be insecure about your past experience/s.

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

So I'm marrying a single mom. She divorced becuz she was cheated on. 5 years after she committed zina with another man. 5 years after that...here we are planning to get married in a couple weeks...it was just day ago she decided to tell me she did the disgusting act and so ill be the third person she sleeps with. When she told me I was heartbroken. Like how can she do that. She tells me she's been repenting since and crying feel really awful about it.

If she is sincere in changing then ill forgive her. Am I wrong to forgive her about her past? Should I just drop her?

Do you mean she committed fornication in the context of a pre-marital relationship? My brother many of us have pasts ourselves but when it comes to finding a spouse we expect her to be a near perfect chaste virgin. We have to think to ourselves have we ever committed fornication? Have we committed acts of Faahisha (lewd acts)? If not then I can understand.

Also my brother know that not many people would admit their past when it comes to marriage so the fact that she admitted it is a good sign. Also she has repented sincerely and regrets her past actions which again is a good sign. But as brother Patrick stated if you yourself have kept away from fornication and Faahisha then you have the right to expect the same. Also if you know that the thought of her with another man may affect your marriage then it is best to move on as shaythan can whisper evil thoughts and try and cause friction in the marriage.

However you should also consider that if you do move on and find a "virgin" with no past - which is not always guaranteed as many people both men and women lie about their past - then you may find a deficiency in their character or she may not be as practicing or other issues - which may cause bigger problems for you during marriage.

If you like this woman's piety, character and personality and think she will be a good wife for you then make isthikhara and ask of Allah to enable you to make the right decision then put your trust in Allah and whatever happens after that will be what is best for you.

Also a quick reminder to make sure you do not talk to her privately as we should always pursue marriage in a way that pleases Allah and keep away from private conversations which will enable shaythan to be third party to your interactions. We do not want to pollute our pursuit of marriage rather we want to have blessings and the help of Allah. So do your best to ensure that her Mahram, or if her Mahram is not available then your female relative is involved in any future conversations whether on the phone, online, via email and especially face to face.

May Allah do what is best for you with regards to finding a spouse for marriage. Ameen

 

[Eric H]

Greetings and peace be with you Stoic; and welcome to the forum,

None of us on this forum know you or her, so we might not be in the best position to give advice, can you both see an imam together?

From what you said, she had a choice, she did not have to tell you about her affair, but she did. It seems as if she wants to be honest, and if she gets married again, she does not want any secrets. We all struggle to do the right thing, she may well have wanted to tell you ages ago, but did not have the courage. However, she sounds like a truthful kind of person who does not like to keep secrets. She was probably deeply hurt when her husband cheated. We all sin and we all struggle to do the will of Allah.

If she is sincere in changing then ill forgive her. Am I wrong to forgive her about her past? Should I just drop her?

Only Allah can judge her true sincerity. If you do forgive her, then it has to be totally. Can you pray for her, and ask Allah to forgive her? When you have your next argument, you cannot hold her past affair against her. This would mean you have not forgiven her fully.

Staying married has to be one of the toughest tests in life, I have only been married thirty one years, eleven months, and nineteen days. The first thirty years are the toughest, then it gets harder. Life throws a lot of problems at you, I say this in a way that it might test your determination to stay married for life, should you go ahead.

Please ask a scholar for a greater Islamic ruling, and pray for guidance.

May Allah bless you, and those you love and care for.

Eric

 

[sister herb]

If she is sincere in changing then ill forgive her. Am I wrong to forgive her about her past? Should I just drop her?

Salam alaykum

What do you think you have to forgive her? Did she do something against you when she did those things before she knew you? Everyone has past - different kind of. It can be called also as "life I lived before I met you". Some have sinned, some not but sinner can repent and then it´s a matter between him/her and Allah. Be happy and proud that your future wife was so honest to tell you those things and now forget them. They belongs to the past, not to the future.

 

[Umm Abed]

I can understand if she said what she did if she was questioned, and as she has repented all should be good.

But what made her blurt out this statement, if I could put it that way?

So basically, this thread is not about having a past or not but the fact that she announced her sin without being asked, that is the worrying bit.

I would like your opinion [MENTION=20685]Hamza Asadullah[/MENTION].

 

[sister herb]

^ That´s a good point too but think about situation if years after the marriage past sins of this girl would become to the day light and hers husband then would starts to wondering why she didn´t tell about them before the marriage.

 

[Umm Abed]

Now that you said that, sister herb, one thought come to mind.

Perhaps someone threatened to tell her potential husband that is why she said it. If that is the case then I think it would be a reasonable excuse that she mentioned it.

 

[Umm♥Layth]

Everyone falls into sin of different kinds and levels. Although it isn't your place to "judge", it IS you place to judge the situation and decide if this is the person you want to attempt to spend the rest of your life with. It is great that she's been honest, but she actually didn't have to tell you. It is probably guilt that drove her to tell you. This tells you about her understanding of Allah and her trust in him. When a person repents, it is with a full understanding and belief that he is forgiving the sin. When that person doesn't let it go, it shows their lack of trust and possibly the fact that they are not fully set on changing their ways.

What you need to look for is CONSISTENCY. How long ago was the last time she committed this sin? How long ago did she change her ways for the better? For situations like these, I like to see at least 7+ years of changed behavior and no setbacks. Anything less and you are risking this scenario happening during marriage. Minor behavioral issues are much more easily dealt with if a person keeps having setbacks (such as smoking, anger outbursts, lazyness etc) by means of support. Zina is not a minor sin and if these tendencies are there, how can you entrust her to stay home alone if you need to travel? What if you have a difficult time during marriage, is she going to find someone else if you separate for a time?

I only say all of this because I have seen people who have a bad lifestyle, clean up their act for 4-5 years, get married and have a complete 180 soon after. Yes, it can happen to any of us, but this is why we look for consistency The risk is alot lower.

May Allah make it easy for you. Pray istikhaara and don't allow yourself to be weakened by tears and hormones.

 

[Umm Abed]

Sister Umm Layth, while I agree with your core sentiments, I do think it would be a bit selfish to announce or tell him just a few days before marrying him. It would be understandable if he asked, but no he didnt and she said it.

Off loading a burden of sin is by repentance, not announcing it. Now the man has to carry this burden of knowing. I hope you understand what I mean.

 

[Stoic]

Its kind of my fault. She told me she had done something in the past shell be taking to her grave and its between her and Allah and I was too curious and demands an answer what it was...

 

[Umm Abed]

Its kind of my fault. She told me she had done something in the past shell be taking to her grave and its between her and Allah and I was too curious and demands an answer what it was...

But why did she say to you that she has done something in the past? That wasnt necessary at all. It naturally made you curious, Im sure it would equally be hard living with something like that also, and keep wondering what it was.

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How do you feel about everything now? Do you lean more towards wanting to marry her or not?

Maybe give yourself more time before going ahead with a final decision?

 

[Stoic]

She wanted to be honest with me regarding everything. Also a guilt she had that been eating her. Right now I feel ok about it if she is sincere and still want to go ahead with the marriage cuz I really like her from I've heard and seen she has a good character. And in a way I feel like I'm the one able to save her.

 

[Umm Abed]

She wanted to be honest with me regarding everything. Also a guilt she had that been eating her. Right now I feel ok about it if she is sincere and still want to go ahead with the marriage cuz I really like her from I've heard and seen she has a good character. And in a way I feel like I'm the one able to save her.

This is some consolation and good news.

What you are saying now reveals a little more of what she might be feeling, and it isnt a bad thing after all.

I think the news is still fresh so you're feeling distraught but as how things look, it looks likes like the marriage will work.

But, whatever you do, go with it with a clear mind.

 

[Stoic]

I'm gonna continue to make dua and istikhara. So if it falls thru I ask u guys to make dua for us too to bless our marriage iA

 

[Umm Abed]

I'm gonna continue to make dua and istikhara. So if it falls thru I ask u guys to make dua for us too to bless our marriage iA

It is the best that you can do.

I have a feeling it will work out, I hope it does, insha'allah.

May Allah make it easy for you and you do what is best.

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Jazakallah to everyone who replied and special thanks to brother Hamza who went through the extra mile as always.

 

[Stoic]

Yea when I first heard the news it was heartbreaking to me as I couldn't do anything. As time went on tho I feel more forgiving. She tells me I mean a lot to her so she doesn't wanna hide anything from me and that she's been praying crying for someone like me to come along in her pain and struggles

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It is the best that you can do.

I have a feeling it will work out, I hope it does, insha'allah.

May Allah make it easy for you and you do what is best.

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Jazakallah to everyone who replied and special thanks to brother Hamza who went through the extra mile as always.

Jzk. Ameen

 

[Umm Abed]

Yea when I first heard the news it was heartbreaking to me as I couldn't do anything. As time went on tho I feel more forgiving. She tells me I mean a lot to her so she doesn't wanna hide anything from me and that she's been praying crying for someone like me to come along in her pain and struggles

I take this as more good news to your side that she is obviously regretful.

It is normal for you to feel like that but with time it could become easier until it doesnt bother you anymore. Im assuming you have done all the necessary research with family to see that she is a good woman after all.

 

[Stoic]

I take this as more good news to your side that she is obviously regretful.

It is normal for you to feel like that but with time it could become easier until it doesnt bother you anymore. Im assuming you have done all the necessary research with family to see that she is a good woman after all.

she is. And she has shown she's caring and considerate. The community knows has said nothing but good word about her. Its just because of her past she doesn't feel like she deserve it

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Its hard for to take compliments becuz of it

 

[*charisma*]

Assalamu Alaikum [MENTION=41552]Stoic[/MENTION]

Zina is one of those sins that should be concealed if one truly repents and is ashamed. I don't think she should have even hinted towards having a secret and triggering your curiosity. However, it's already been done and the actual issue is not being able to trust her but rather how you will be able to handle what you know about her, because what you want to be able to handle and what you really are able to handle are two different things. You might be able to convince yourself it's easy now because you're not as attached, but later on it could really bother you. So ponder on it.

Secondly, I really ask that you look into her character. To say that "you are the one able to save her" is concerning because if she isn't someone who is already established properly on the deen after a failed marriage and committing such a great sin, I would steer away. Trust me, you don't want to have to take care of someone in that respect if they have not put enough effort to do it on their own first. She seems quite fragile and owned by her emotions. The way she is attached to you premaritally is odd to me after what she's gone through. Of course, I don't know her, but be wise in asking the right questions and figuring out who you are marrying. There's no need to rush anything if you aren't sure.

Now with all that being said, I do believe mistakes happen, and we are all human with weaknesses. The circumstances surrounding her sin is between her and Allah and if you can sincerely put that aside and forget about it like it never happened, and if she is sincerely regretful and a changed person, then I can't see why it wouldn't work out if you are both compatible in other aspects. Pray istikhara like you planned and may Allah lead you to what is best for you ameen.