Sallams. My soon to be wife has a past...

[Stoic]

Do you mean she committed fornication in the context of a pre-marital relationship? My brother many of us have pasts ourselves but when it comes to finding a spouse we expect her to be a near perfect chaste virgin. We have to think to ourselves have we ever committed fornication? Have we committed acts of Faahisha (lewd acts)? If not then I can understand.

Also my brother know that not many people would admit their past when it comes to marriage so the fact that she admitted it is a good sign. Also she has repented sincerely and regrets her past actions which again is a good sign. But as brother Patrick stated if you yourself have kept away from fornication and Faahisha then you have the right to expect the same. Also if you know that the thought of her with another man may affect your marriage then it is best to move on as shaythan can whisper evil thoughts and try and cause friction in the marriage.

However you should also consider that if you do move on and find a "virgin" with no past - which is not always guaranteed as many people both men and women lie about their past - then you may find a deficiency in their character or she may not be as practicing or other issues - which may cause bigger problems for you during marriage.

If you like this woman's piety, character and personality and think she will be a good wife for you then make isthikhara and ask of Allah to enable you to make the right decision then put your trust in Allah and whatever happens after that will be what is best for you.

Also a quick reminder to make sure you do not talk to her privately as we should always pursue marriage in a way that pleases Allah and keep away from private conversations which will enable shaythan to be third party to your interactions. We do not want to pollute our pursuit of marriage rather we want to have blessings and the help of Allah. So do your best to ensure that her Mahram, or if her Mahram is not available then your female relative is involved in any future conversations whether on the phone, online, via email and especially face to face.

May Allah do what is best for you with regards to finding a spouse for marriage. Ameen

Jazakallahu kair

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And jzk to everyone here

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Assalamu Alaikum
To say that "you are the one able to save her" .

Sorry she didn't say that. I was just saying that. I meant perhaps Allah has put me in a spot to help her

 

[Umm Abed]

she is. And she has shown she's caring and considerate. The community knows has said nothing but good word about her. Its just because of her past she doesn't feel like she deserve it

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Its hard for to take compliments becuz of it

Then alhamdulillah, everything seems good.

One more thing, she should not be overly hard on herself such as saying she doesnt deserve you or whatever, it can also be shaitan's trap to make a person feel down and lost, whereas Allah swt He forgives and you being there is a blessing, and to refuse is not something thats good.

There are many Qur'anic duas to read as form of repentance, and abundant istighfar. Allah will forgive.

 

[Stoic]

There are many Qur'anic duas to read as form of repentance

Can u post some?

 

[Umm Abed]

Can u post some?

بَّنَا ظَلَمْنَا أَنفُسَنَا وَإِن لَّمْ تَغْفِرْ لَنَا وَتَرْحَمْنَا لَنَكُونَنَّ مِنَ الْخَاسِرِينَ
Our Lord! We have wronged ourselves. If You do not forgive us, and not bestow upon us Your Mercy, we shall certainly be of the losers." -Surah al-A'raf.

لَّا إِلَهَ إِلَّا أَنتَ سُبْحَانَكَ إِنِّي كُنتُ مِنَ الظَّالِمِينَ
"There is none (worthy of worship) except You, Glorified are You. Truly I have been from the wrong-doers." - Surah Anbiya.

Also abundant istighfar.

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

I can understand if she said what she did if she was questioned, and as she has repented all should be good.

But what made her blurt out this statement, if I could put it that way?

So basically, this thread is not about having a past or not but the fact that she announced her sin without being asked, that is the worrying bit.

I would like your opinion [MENTION=20685]Hamza Asadullah[/MENTION].

Out of the guilt of having had pre-marital relations then many people feel the need to reveal the truth to a potential partner before marriage. This is those people want to start afresh with the new partner without having any "secrets" because if it happens to be exposed someday by someone else during the marriage then this can potentially ruin the marriage.

So therefore many people feel the need to reveal it to the potential partner before marriage so there are no "surprises" later.

 

[Patrick84]

Brother Humza, interesting point, and I think Charisma also noted that zina should be concealed. This is something I disagree with - the psychological consequences for the "innocent" party (for want of a better term) can be disastrous, depending on their personality. I think this issue needs to be disclosed. I know it is a sensitive topic, but zina or adultery i.e. multiple se-xual encounters gives a risk of:

1. infertility
2. STDs
3. performance and expectation, which can lead to disappointment, which can lead to infidelity.

If it is not to be disclosed then how can we follow Allah's command of "an adulterer can only marry an adultress"?
Thoughts?

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

My thoughts on this are that if one had pre-Marital relations and the potential "does" ask before marriage then one should reveal "general" details about one having a past but that one has changed and repented since then without necessarily revealing intricate details. Then after that it is upto the person whether they want to pursue the marriage or not.

However having said that, it does not mean that the person who asks the potential such a question should have "double standards" in that if they have also committed zina then they should also reveal it if they ask the same question to the potential and they should not expect a "chaste virgin" if they themselves are not a "chaste virgin".

However if they do not ask such a question before marriage then they should certainly not ask after marriage as they had the opportunity to do so before marriage and revealing such details after marriage would potentially cause a lot of problems. I do understand then why many people do want to "clear" things before marriage takes place in order to avoid the possibility of such an issue coming up during Marriage.

However no one should be compelled to have to reveal such details if they do not want to and so maybe they should indicate whether or not the potential is concerned about the past or not. If they are concerned then they should establish whether or not it will be a problem during Marriage and if so then they should move on and find someone who is not concerned about ones past.

Many people do not ask about the past because they are concerned more with the present and the fact that the potential partner has piety and good character.l as at the end of the day that is what matters most. If all of us were so concerned about finding a chaste "perfect" virgin who has hardly sinned nor committed any acts of faahisha then hardly any of us could get married.

 

[Patrick84]

My thoughts on this are that if one had pre-Marital relations and the potential "does" ask before marriage then one should reveal "general" details about one having a past but that one has changed and repented since then without necessarily revealing intricate details. Then after that it is upto the person whether they want to pursue the marriage or not.

However having said that, it does not mean that the person who asks the potential such a question should have "double standards" in that if they have also committed zina then they should also reveal it if they ask the same question to the potential and they should not expect a "chaste virgin" if they themselves are not a "chaste virgin".

However if they do not ask such a question before marriage then they should certainly not ask after marriage as they had the opportunity to do so before marriage and revealing such details after marriage would potentially cause a lot of problems. I do understand then why many people do want to "clear" things before marriage takes place in order to avoid the possibility of such an issue coming up during Marriage.

However no one should be compelled to have to reveal such details if they do not want to and so maybe they should indicate whether or not the potential is concerned about the past or not. If they are concerned then they should establish whether or not it will be a problem during Marriage and if so then they should move on and find someone who is not concerned about ones past.

Many people do not ask about the past because they are concerned more with the present and the fact that the potential partner has piety and good character.l as at the end of the day that is what matters most. If all of us were so concerned about finding a chaste "perfect" virgin who has hardly sinned nor committed any acts of faahisha then hardly any of us could get married.

Thanks. Great response.

 

[Karl]

So I'm marrying a single mom. She divorced becuz she was cheated on. 5 years after she committed zina with another man. 5 years after that...here we are planning to get married in a couple weeks...it was just day ago she decided to tell me she did the disgusting act and so ill be the third person she sleeps with. When she told me I was heartbroken. Like how can she do that. She tells me she's been repenting since and crying feel really awful about it.

If she is sincere in changing then ill forgive her. Am I wrong to forgive her about her past? Should I just drop her?

If in doubt leave it out. That's my policy. How can you trust her? And don't worry about the crying (water works), females have the ability to cry at will. They may not be strong physically but they are masters of manipulation.

 

[sister herb]

And don't worry about the crying (water works), females have the ability to cry at will. They may not be strong physically but they are masters of manipulation.

There are still some people whose care about other person´s feelings. Everyone haven´t ability to do so but may Allah teach to them some humanity.

 

['Abd-al Latif]

so ill be the third person she sleeps with.

Oh no it's the end of the world.

I do wonder when our "conservative" Muslim community will live according to the Qur'an and sunnah. I don't even know what to say!

:facepalm:

Allah wants sins to be kept concealed, not discussed openly on a public forum!

If she is sincere in changing then ill forgive her. Am I wrong to forgive her about her past? Should I just drop her?

What do you mean "you'll" forgive her? Has she wronged you? Can you forgive sins? She wants to start a marriage with you by being honest with you and you're thinking about "forgiving" her when she didn't even do anything wrong to you?

 

[Karl]

There are still some people whose care about other person´s feelings. Everyone haven´t ability to do so but may Allah teach to them some humanity.

You go girl!

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Oh no it's the end of the world.

I do wonder when our "conservative" Muslim community will live according to the Qur'an and sunnah. I don't even know what to say!

:facepalm:

Allah wants sins to be kept concealed, not discussed openly on a public forum!



What do you mean "you'll" forgive her? Has she wronged you? Can you forgive sins? She wants to start a marriage with you by being honest with you and you're thinking about "forgiving" her when she didn't even do anything wrong to you?

Islam hasn't gone feminist has it Doctor Phill?

 

['Abd-al Latif]

You go girl!

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Islam hasn't gone feminist has it Doctor Phill?

My dear bother in Islam, jazakAllah khayr for mentioning this. My intention wasn't to promote feminism but to highlight that the attitudes towards marriage are all wrong, as Islamic viewpoint is different to what has been discussed. I will elaborate shortly inshaa'Allah.

 

[Karl]

My dear bother in Islam, jazakAllah khayr for mentioning this. My intention wasn't to promote feminism but to highlight that the attitudes towards marriage are all wrong, as Islamic viewpoint is different to what has been discussed. I will elaborate shortly inshaa'Allah.

Very good, but I think it wise that he marries with a pure female without a dodgy history. He is only asking for advice and I ask Allah. Allah always gives me good advice but most are deaf to Him because of selfish intensions.

 

[sister herb]

You go girl!

A girl? ^o) Some manners there now if I may ask. No need to be unkindly if disagree with somebody. Or should I call you a sonny?

 

[Stoic]

Very good, but I think it wise that he marries with a pure female without a dodgy history. He is only asking for advice and I ask Allah. Allah always gives me good advice but most are deaf to Him because of selfish intensions.

this is coming off pretty mean to me. Sure I ask for advice that's what people do when they need help but I also been asking Allah by dua and istikhara. Forgive me If I'm reading ur post wrong

 

[Bhabha]

Why the heck are you telling the ENTIRE world about someone else's sins? If she has repented, don't disclose something she has disclosed to you only out of sincerity for possible marriage. I would suggest you actually remove information about your potential spouse from the internet, it's kind of sickening that you release her sins out to the world when she has repented and this should be between her and Allah only. :hmm:

 

[Supernova]

So I'm marrying a single mom. She divorced becuz she was cheated on. 5 years after she committed zina with another man. 5 years after that...here we are planning to get married in a couple weeks...it was just day ago she decided to tell me she did the disgusting act and so ill be the third person she sleeps with. When she told me I was heartbroken. Like how can she do that. She tells me she's been repenting since and crying feel really awful about it.

If she is sincere in changing then ill forgive her. Am I wrong to forgive her about her past? Should I just drop her?

Asalaamualaykum

That is her past. Its not your right to forgive her or not to forgive as she did not usurp any of your rights - you werent around that time !!!

On that note - I am sure you no saint yourself and have skeletons in the closet.

At least she told you that and was honest - Are you ready to open the doors of your closet ? She told you in the faith of receiving your understanding .......not your judgement !

Wasalaam.

 

['Abd-al Latif]

Very good, but I think it wise that he marries with a pure female without a dodgy history. He is only asking for advice and I ask Allah. Allah always gives me good advice but most are deaf to Him because of selfish intensions.

What's wise is asking for advice from those closest to the you rather than OP asking his question on the internet. Asking for such personal advice in this way seems insincere to me.

without a dodgy history

And do you have a perfect history? It is upon the sinner to seek forgiveness of Allah and for Allah to accept the repentance and forgive. Islamically when a person seeks forgiveness he or she has already taken the first step to make amends. Ibn Qayyim states that one should never mock someone else for a sin they have committed because it's possible that Allah could have forgiven that person and raised him or her in rank. My understanding is that judging someone for a past that they regret, especially after admitting that he or she regularly seeks Allah's forgiveness for their sin falls under the act of mockery.

I'm not taking anyone's side. It's most people's attitudes that I'm against.

Hence, I asked the question 'I do wonder when our "conservative" Muslim community will live according to the Qur'an and sunnah'

 

[Umm♥Layth]

LOL women have the ability to cry at will? Wow. LOOOOOL! If only it was easy to cry. For me, it takes ALOT, and I usually cry when I'm totally fed up and incredibly angry. I also cry when I see a suffering being, but at will? yeah right. You've watched too many soaps it looks like.

To the OP, I do find it a bit alarming that you think you can somehow save her. Don't make this mistake. I have seen many brothers, including my own husband (referring to the ex here ) make a decision like marrying somebody with a not so great history promising to be practicing and leaving sin behind them. They get tangled up in a terrible web because they want to help somehow. It ends up in a huge mess. You cannot go into a marriage believing you can somehow change or guide a person, That's Allah's work, not yours. . You can have the best thoughts of her and hope for the very best, but you must protect yourself and prepare for the worst.

DOnt make this decision out of guilt, pitty or any emotion. Do it if you are confident and sure it is what you want.