Seeking Islamic ways in handling wife with affairs...

[myaspires]

Peace brothers and sisters...

I am seeking advise or rather Islamic concepts in handling this issue. Pardon me if my scenario goes lengthy as I will try to be as brief as possible at the same time without missing out the important details so as to welcome your advise and comments...

... as i myself is confuse and fear that my actions will be not in line with Islamic teachings...
Here it goes...

I am a family of 3 with my wife and our 2.5 years old kid-son. That was our gift from God and we have just completed our challenge, that is to fully breastfeed him for his first 2 years and thank God, we worked it out really well as my wife is a full-time housewife.

But...

Lately, I have email and SMS proofs that she has been seeing another guy for the pass 2 months. This was disturbing me at first but I withheld my steps as fearing my actions taken will not be in line with our religion. I knew they didn't commit any adultery (sex?) yet but she has been giving me excuses of going out but actually to see him. Sadly, he is married with 2 kids too. This is what the internet world has just created, relationships online. I knew they have secret lunches and dinners without my knowledge.

Well, I eagerly wanting to know, what are the necessary steps as a Muslim husband should take? I have been pondering over and over and maybe because of some un-excusable emotional reasons, I always held back pretending not to know her other relationship.

I apologise, I am not making this site as a "HELP" site but with your strong knowledges and true experiences, I bet I will be able to solve this issue in line with God's command and not my emotions.

God bless you all..!

 

[syilla]

MashaAllah...i just realised this thread...

and i wonder why no one is replying...

have you confronted your wife yet?

 

[FBI]

Man I feel for you dude, I know what I'd do divorce the wifey and beat the guy senseless.

 

[Snowflake]

SubhanAllah! Are you absolutely sure that your wife is meeting this man? Hav you thought about following her and then confronting her? If you just confront her on the basis of a few texts and emails, she can say that it's a prank or her email account is hacked etc etc... But how will she explain herself if you catch her red-handed?

From what I understand, as you're sure she hasn't commited zina, divorce should be the last resort. Women usually do these things for emotional reasons, whereas men usually have affairs for physical reasons.

Allah knows, but after you confront your wife, she may repent and realise her mistakes. And you'll find out what lead her to this shameful thing. Could it be she is not happy with you. I'm not saying that makes it right. But rather I'm saying she can make that a reason.

But you have to act immediately. I am not sure if by letting things go on you are indirectly assisting her affair. I'm sorry I don't know what else to say other than confronting her, hopefully by catching her red handed.

May Allah help you inshaAllah.

 

[Ismile]

This situation should be handeled with care and not with force i do not agree with force. You must be sure to talk to your wife and take your children in to consideration. You can talk to the Imam about your situation he would be able to give advice on this situation. Salam i hope you proble is solved.

 

[Umar001]

Assalamu Aleykum,

I think as a Muslim Husband and a time like this, people giving advise should avoid words like 'confront' remember brother that romours and wisphers are something evil and it is best for you to speak to your wife, make sure your calm, remember that Allah is watching and that anything you do is being recorded, so don't let anger overtake you.

So just sit down and speak to the sister, begin by telling her good things and how much you care about her, the fact that she is the mother of your child and that you appriciate her breastfeeding your kid, if she says nothing has happend then tell her in a nice way, that you have had emails and txt mesages which have put doubt in your mind and ask her to explain them for you, remember your not trying to prove her guilty, your trying to help her remove your doubt!!

Also, you need to think of how your treating her, 'housewife'? Brother, sisters are humans too, things can be hard for them specially after having a kid, women can feel that they are not attractive anymore, so if your not showing her attention telling her she is beautiful and so on, some sisters would go and get that from someone else. Not saying she has cheated, but I would understand why, some sister would go into depression and others might just end up hating you.

Check how you are as a husband, and improve too, insha'Allah.

Your brother Eesa.

 

[Tania]

Its time for you to sit and think: have you neglected your wife lately :? Usually when a woman just talk with another man it means she feels lonely, not understood by her man, that would be you. I think you should give her much more time from your own and don't think the fact you have 1 child with her, would turn her into your life slave. The child doesn't represent anymore a padlock in marriages.

 

[myaspires]

Peace to you brothers & sisters,

First of all, Thank GOD that in just a short period, many of you concerned souls have voiced out your opinions.

Of course, as some of you noted, as a husband, I must ask myself and herself, if in any ways I have not fulfilled my responsibilities as a husband that had led her into this.

Brother Eesa, 'housewife' is a jargon for a 'full-time stay-at-home-mom'. I didn't mean to be offensive with that term. You made a very good point by pointing out to the brothers on the possibility of post-partem-depression.

Tania, your point has always been taken into consideration the moment she is pregnant with our first child. It is true that most husbands (I saw this happening) left it solely to their wives in the upbringing and nurturing their children. But I beg to differ, I believe the child is the responsibility of both of the father and mother to GOD. We were both on 'leave' during his first 3 months into this earth cos I know how torturing it could be for a mother after labour without her husband on her side to relief her duties. Tania do has her point, Islam never teaches us to treat our wives as slaves. Wives have their equal rights too in the eyes of GOD.

But in anyways, I will still blame myself first that this had happened, there must be certain things that I have missed or forgotten on her after we received this gift from GOD.

On top of all that, instead I shall 'confront' her, but in a peaceful manner, bottomline, I must find out her intentions, then we will work out from there on?

GOD knows best...

GOD bless all of you..!

 

[Skillganon]

This stuff make's my life difficult thinking about it.

I guess one has to speak to her gently, and inshallah it will work out.

 

[Tania]

Its the time to begin a small investigation to find out what she likes. May be you are too "all time with her" and she is tired by you. I know an ex colleague which complained at one point her husband is all day on her head after work.That could be a problem too.

 

[myaspires]

Its the time to begin a small investigation to find out what she likes. May be you are too "all time with her" and she is tired by you. I know an ex colleague which complained at one point her husband is all day on her head after work.That could be a problem too.

hmmmmm ......
too much and too little of everything seems no good for anything ......
worth considering too ......

 

[Tania]

hmmmmm ......
too much and too little of everything seems no good for anything ......
worth considering too ......

I don't want to interfere in your marriage life but if i would be in your place i would try for a week, lets say, or x days, to spend less time like before at home. You will can see her reaction - if she cares and still loves you she will miss you. If not thats it. something is broken and need to be fixed. :-[

 

[Woodrow]

Two things not to consider:

1. Immediate thoughts of Divorce

2. Beating the daylights out of the other "Guy"



There is always a reason for everything. Although in Islam her actions are not considered proper. She may have had much influence from non-Muslims and at the moment see's no harm in what she is doing. This is a time that calls for a gentle hand and understanding. The first step is to confront her, but much tact is called for and it must be when you know you can speak without anger. Avoid accusations and ask for her side of the situation. Let her talk. When she is done let her know how it makes you feel. Let her know that it is wrong in Islam. Ask her to suggest a solution. Try to work out an amicable agreement to end this behavior. If that fails go to your Iman and explain what is going on. From there foreward follow his advice.

 

[Tania]

The first step is to confront her, but much tact is called for and it must be when you know you can speak without anger.

Do you think its a good thing to ask her about the other one :? Or you are sugesting he should try to find out from she the reasons, rather than to keep guessing whats wrong with her:?

 

[Snowflake]

There is nothing wrong with confrontation. It doesn't have to be aggressive. But the issue needs to be approached, and the sooner the better.

Lately, I have email and SMS proofs that she has been seeing another guy for the pass 2 months. This was disturbing me at first but I withheld my steps as fearing my actions taken will not be in line with our religion. I knew they didn't commit any adultery (sex?) yet but she has been giving me excuses of going out but actually to see him. Sadly, he is married with 2 kids too. This is what the internet world has just created, relationships online. I knew they have secret lunches and dinners without my knowledge.

I can see how you have proof from emails and texts, but how can you be sure she is meeting him as you say? Who looks after your child when she supposedly goes to meet this man? Maybe the suspicions are getting the better of you?

But that doesn't mean you shouldn't confront her if you havent seen them meet with your own eyes. The emails/texts are a good enough reason for confrontation. It's the only way to get an explanation and hopefully stop it leading to a full blown affair and ruin two families.

Islamically, there's no rules how, when, where to confront your wife, except that it shouldn't come to physical assault and blatant accusations. But confront her you must.

Wouldn't it just be simple to ask her if she is happy with you? She'll probably lie and that will be your cue to tell her you've seen the emails and texts. Then wait for her to explain and take it from there.

 

[Woodrow]

A confrontation does not have to be forcefull or arguementative. It can be done with tact and with a desire to reconcile a problem, not to damage a marriage. It is times like this that can mean the difference between divorce or a true understanding of each other.

A marital confrontation needs to be approached out of love and not out of anger. But, it is necessary for both of you to talk. Quitness leads to anger and exaggerated thoughts. Not knowing the truth is more painfull than facing the truth.

 

[syilla]

subhanaAllah...

please take into consideration...that sometimes this situation can be tricky...
some ladies will make up her decision and thats it...

especially if she is saying...that she is in love...and etc...

try to be kind with her....and ask her politely...
try to understand her as much as possible.

May Allah be with you...

salams

 

[myaspires]

There is nothing wrong with confrontation. It doesn't have to be aggressive. But the issue needs to be approached, and the sooner the better.




I can see how you have proof from emails and texts, but how can you be sure she is meeting him as you say? Who looks after your child when she supposedly goes to meet this man? Maybe the suspicions are getting the better of you?

But that doesn't mean you shouldn't confront her if you havent seen them meet with your own eyes. The emails/texts are a good enough reason for confrontation. It's the only way to get an explanation and hopefully stop it leading to a full blown affair and ruin two families.

Islamically, there's no rules how, when, where to confront your wife, except that it shouldn't come to physical assault and blatant accusations. But confront her you must.

Wouldn't it just be simple to ask her if she is happy with you? She'll probably lie and that will be your cue to tell her you've seen the emails and texts. Then wait for her to explain and take it from there.

The emails are gotten from the computer she is using, and the SMS texts from her cellphone, yes, I took time off from work to look after our son when she goes 'dating'..... no physical assaults or blatant accusations will be taken into my account...

Thank you sister...

 

[myaspires]

subhanaAllah...

please take for consideration...that sometimes this situation can be tricky...
some ladies will make up her decision and thats it...

especially if she is saying...that she is in love...and etc...

try to be kind with her....and ask her polite...
try to understand her as much as possible.

May Allah be with you...

salams

Peace to you sister,

Very well said, in her email to one of her friends she did mentioned that she is in love with 2 men at the moment, her 'date' and me (lucky me). Perhaps I still have the 50/50 chance to see this true, although I know it takes 2 to see this through successfully.

 

[myaspires]

Two things not to consider:

1. Immediate thoughts of Divorce

2. Beating the daylights out of the other "Guy"



There is always a reason for everything. Although in Islam her actions are not considered proper. She may have had much influence from non-Muslims and at the moment see's no harm in what she is doing. This is a time that calls for a gentle hand and understanding. The first step is to confront her, but much tact is called for and it must be when you know you can speak without anger. Avoid accusations and ask for her side of the situation. Let her talk. When she is done let her know how it makes you feel. Let her know that it is wrong in Islam. Ask her to suggest a solution. Try to work out an amicable agreement to end this behavior. If that fails go to your Iman and explain what is going on. From there foreward follow his advice.

Thank you brother, as for now, that will not be in my wish list, and will try not to add that as an option, I learn no martial arts...