Seeking Islamic ways in handling wife with affairs...

[YusufNoor]

Peace to you brothers & sisters,

First of all, Thank GOD that in just a short period, many of you concerned souls have voiced out your opinions.

Of course, as some of you noted, as a husband, I must ask myself and herself, if in any ways I have not fulfilled my responsibilities as a husband that had led her into this.

Brother Eesa, 'housewife' is a jargon for a 'full-time stay-at-home-mom'. I didn't mean to be offensive with that term. You made a very good point by pointing out to the brothers on the possibility of post-partem-depression.

Tania, your point has always been taken into consideration the moment she is pregnant with our first child. It is true that most husbands (I saw this happening) left it solely to their wives in the upbringing and nurturing their children. But I beg to differ, I believe the child is the responsibility of both of the father and mother to GOD. We were both on 'leave' during his first 3 months into this earth cos I know how torturing it could be for a mother after labour without her husband on her side to relief her duties. Tania do has her point, Islam never teaches us to treat our wives as slaves. Wives have their equal rights too in the eyes of GOD.


On top of all that, instead I shall 'confront' her, but in a peaceful manner, bottomline, I must find out her intentions, then we will work out from there on?

GOD knows best...

GOD bless all of you..!

:salamext:

Assalamu 'alaykum,

A`udhu Billahi mina Shaytanir Rajeem,

Bismillahir Rahmanir Raheem


Brother Myaspires,

But in anyways, I will still blame myself first that this had happened, there must be certain things that I have missed or forgotten on her after we received this gift from GOD.

if a test has been decreed by Allah(SWT), you seem to handling it quite admirably. don't blame yourself, don't even blame your wife. we all succomb to the wispers of shaytan at some time or another.

if you cannot discuss this with your wife alone, get a member from your family and 1 from hers. show them copies of your "evidence" and ask them for help.

or just show her the stuff herself and say you need to talk. i know you probably don't know what to say, but unless she has planned out this aspect of her "new relationship", she won't either.

the latter seems easier, but more might get accomplished with the former. less irrational split moment type things. (witnesses!)

putting it off just enables stuff to get more complicated.

a Mufti i listen says when you are having problems with someone, go pay some volountary charity on their behalf. i've seen it work!

i'm actually proud of you so far. most of the Muslim brothers i know would have done something stupid by now to soothe their own ego.

also, everything is not always as it appears to be...

May Allah(SWT) strengthen you and guide you. may He also guide your wife. and may He bring this matter to a happy conclusion. may He also make your child grow strong in faith, wisdom and love that comes from both his parents.

:wasalamex

Yusuf

 

[myaspires]

:salamext:

Assalamu 'alaykum,

A`udhu Billahi mina Shaytanir Rajeem,

Bismillahir Rahmanir Raheem


Brother Myaspires,



if a test has been decreed by Allah(SWT), you seem to handling it quite admirably. don't blame yourself, don't even blame your wife. we all succomb to the wispers of shaytan at some time or another.

if you cannot discuss this with your wife alone, get a member from your family and 1 from hers. show them copies of your "evidence" and ask them for help.

or just show her the stuff herself and say you need to talk. i know you probably don't know what to say, but unless she has planned out this aspect of her "new relationship", she won't either.

the latter seems easier, but more might get accomplished with the former. less irrational split moment type things. (witnesses!)

putting it off just enables stuff to get more complicated.

a Mufti i listen says when you are having problems with someone, go pay some volountary charity on their behalf. i've seen it work!

i'm actually proud of you so far. most of the Muslim brothers i know would have done something stupid by now to soothe their own ego.

also, everything is not always as it appears to be...

May Allah(SWT) strengthen you and guide you. may He also guide your wife. and may He bring this matter to a happy conclusion. may He also make your child grow strong in faith, wisdom and love that comes from both his parents.

:wasalamex

Yusuf

Brother Yusuf,

Thanx for your encouraging words, in my humble opinion, I have to put my emotional aside and have to tackle my issues tactfully, in line with GOD's words and therefore here I post, and I got answers, cool and calm. If I would have jumped to conclusion, it would be like a disaster waiting to happen...

GOD knows best...

 

[Tania]

I have another idea about marriage :-[ What about she knew you married with she only because you liked her in your bedroom. We have one thread on the topic. So right now she is still there, in your house, but she searched a man for her feelings. May be she just wants someone who is after her brain, do you know for her company, for her way to be.

 

[Snowflake]

MashaAllah brother Myaspires, you have a very cool head on your shoulders. You're absolutely right that aggression can promptly put an end to your marriage. One simply can't afford to be aggressive, especially where children are involved.

Personally I don't think you should involve a third party at this stage. Knowing her secret is in the open is more likely to make your wife think you have exposed her sins to others and there's a danger she will react badly to that. She may just leave because she won't feel she can face anyone again if they are in on her secret. You need to confront her alone at first and keep it between yourselves.

Have you decided on how and when you are going to talk to her about it?

 

[myaspires]

I have another idea about marriage :-[ What about she knew you married with she only because you liked her in your bedroom. We have one thread on the topic. So right now she is still there, in your house, but she searched a man for her feelings. May be she just wants someone who is after her brain, do you know for her company, for her way to be.

Tania, sex is part of marriage, but marriage is never part of sex, but that 'brain' part... I will find out, I never knew even once I have insulted her intelligence, but sure, for now the benefits of the doubts are widely in practise... thanx!

 

[Tania]

Tania, sex is part of marriage, but marriage is never part of sex, but that 'brain' part... I will find out, I never knew even once I have insulted her intelligence, but sure, for now the benefits of the doubts are widely in practise... thanx!

Welcome i am talking about her emotional feelings, many men are ignoring completely the women needs and which is worst the men are asking for it. For instance i would expect my husband to know my feelings, rather than i to say to him. Example: woman likes to walk in the evening in the park.More happy she will accept an invitation, sincere invitation from him, than a :"now what would you like to do:? " Walking....ohhh dear not again, but if you wish lets go imsad If you can catch the difference.

 

[myaspires]

MashaAllah brother Myaspires, you have a very cool head on your shoulders. You're absolutely right that aggression can promptly put an end to your marriage. One simply can't afford to be aggressive, especially where children are involved.

Personally I don't think you should involve a third party at this stage. Knowing her secret is in the open is more likely to make your wife think you have exposed her sins to others and there's a danger she will react badly to that. She may just leave because she won't feel she can face anyone again if they are in on her secret. You need to confront her alone at first and keep it between yourselves.

Have you decided on how and when you are going to talk to her about it?

Muslimah Sis, Bro Yusuf, in my opinion, correct me if i'm wrong, the involvement of 3rd parties will be taken into my consideration provided the peace talks between me and her didn't work out but ... let us work this out internally. Sis, I will be talking her if she sees him again, dunno when, GOD knows best....

 

[myaspires]

Welcome i am talking about her emotional feelings, many men are ignoring completely the women needs and which is worst the men are asking for it. For instance i would expect my husband to know my feelings, rather than i to say to him. Example: woman likes to walk in the evening in the park.More happy she will accept an invitation, sincere invitation from him, than a :"now what would you like to do:? " Walking....ohhh dear not again, but if you wish lets go imsad If you can catch the difference.

Very well said Tania, my wife did brought that up to me during our betrothal period and now I believed it after going thru marriage. Another example, when a women is telling you how bad her day was or her bad experiences with her best friend.... you man better sit and just listen, for she expects no problem solving from you.... :giggling:

 

[YusufNoor]

Asalamu 'alaykum,

A`udhu Billahi mina Shaytanir Rajeem,

Bismillahir Rahmanir Raheem

Brother,

some things one probably shouldn't say in a mixed board, but:

But in anyways, I will still blame myself first that this had happened, there must be certain things that I have missed or forgotten on her after we received this gift from GOD.

your child is the SECOND gift from Allah(SWT), you wife was your FIRST!

not sure about this:

Sis, I will be talking her if she sees him again, dunno when, GOD knows best....

you have a problem now, it has been brought to your attention so that maybe you can prevent the need for her to see him again...

Muslimah Sis, Bro Yusuf, in my opinion, correct me if i'm wrong, the involvement of 3rd parties will be taken into my consideration provided the peace talks between me and her didn't work out but

maybe, but i don't think there was an internet option either! i'm just thinking that, well i HAVE seen what a violent woman can do!

i just don't think that "time" is on your side...

May Allah(SWT) continue to strengthen you and may He help you to resolve this situation in everyone's best interest.


:wasalamex

Yusuf

 

[Tania]

you have a problem now, it has been brought to your attention so that maybe you can prevent the need for her to see him again...

There is an expression: a problem become a problem when more people knows about it. Discretion ,more understanding of the wife needs and i think it can be fixed.

 

[starfortress]

I don't have any experience about marriage that worth enough to share with you bro,yes i feel sorry for you,why not we pick some notable examples from the life of the someone who was being a perfect human and perfect husband,he was Muhammad (S.A.W)

O Prophet, say to your wives: "If you desire the life of this world and its glitter, then come! I will provide for your enjoyment and set you free in a handsome manner. But if you seek God, His Messenger, and the Home of the Hereafter, verily God has prepared for you, the well-doers among you, a great reward." (Al-Ahzab 33:29)

The Ideal Husband

Here another good reading from Sheik Yusuf Al-Qaradawi

"A husband must be patient with his wife if he sees something in her that he disapproves and dislikes. He should recognize that he is dealing with a human being with natural imperfections, and he should balance her good qualities with her failings. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said: “Let a believing man not dislike a believing woman. If something in her is displeasing to him, another trait may be pleasing.”

Divorce Should Be the Final Resort

 

[Snowflake]

Muslimah Sis, Bro Yusuf, in my opinion, correct me if i'm wrong, the involvement of 3rd parties will be taken into my consideration provided the peace talks between me and her didn't work out but ... let us work this out internally. Sis, I will be talking her if she sees him again, dunno when, GOD knows best....

No you're not wrong. Third parties should only be involved if everything fails. But I don't think it is wise for you to wait until if your wife sees this man again. Like brother Yusuf said, things can get worse. Your wife might reach a decision that's not in your favour before you have the chance to try to save your marriage. God forbid.

I am also highly worried about another aspect of keeping things to yourself. How is all this affecting your peace of mind? How do you sleep?
Even if you're trying to keep everything inside, subconsciencely changes must've crept in your behaviour towards her? Sorry, please forgive me and you do not need to answer, but is she still behaving normally with you?

 

[myaspires]

No you're not wrong. Third parties should only be involved if everything fails. But I don't think it is wise for you to wait until if your wife sees this man again. Like brother Yusuf said, things can get worse. Your wife might reach a decision that's not in your favour before you have the chance to try to save your marriage. God forbid.

I am also highly worried about another aspect of keeping things to yourself. How is all this affecting your peace of mind? How do you sleep?
Even if you're trying to keep everything inside, subconsciencely changes must've crept in your behaviour towards her? Sorry, please forgive me and you do not need to answer, but is she still behaving normally with you?

Muslimah Sis, I wasn't keeping things to myself, all of you knew about this now :rollseyes . Of course my mind wanders at times, but thinking about GOD cools everything off in me. And it didn't disturb my sleep. The situation in the house is still warm and cozy, I never let this interfere with my kid's playtime and our family meals together, we still talk as normal, cos she didn't know that I knew. Lately, she is behaving extra well and extra nice towards me physically and emotionally.

Thank you...

 

[Tania]

Lately, she is behaving extra well and extra nice towards me physically and emotionally.

Thank you...

Pay attention to her attitude:
1. She is feeling guilty toward you ...or...
2.Just happy because she find someone to listen her... to fit in her needs:? Sometimes a chit chat is good to relief the stress

 

[Panatella]

The Penalty for Adultery according to the Quran is flogging of 100 stripes while being witnessed by some people. Stoning is a possibility with strict conditions.

The position of Islam with regard to adultery is clear. If adultery is punished softly or not punished at all, the result will be destructive to the family structure. Islam punishes adultery severely in order to penalize offenders and to deter others.

Be sure before accusing someone though. The punishment of a false accuser is flogging him eighty stripes and not admitting evidence from him throughout his life. The purpose for this is that such an accusation is very damaging to a person.

 

[myaspires]

The Penalty for Adultery according to the Quran is flogging of 100 stripes while being witnessed by some people. Stoning is a possibility with strict conditions.

The position of Islam with regard to adultery is clear. If adultery is punished softly or not punished at all, the result will be destructive to the family structure. Islam punishes adultery severely in order to penalize offenders and to deter others.

Be sure before accusing someone though. The punishment of a false accuser is flogging him eighty stripes and not admitting evidence from him throughout his life. The purpose for this is that such an accusation is very damaging to a person.

Panatella, can you please quote which verse in the Quran that states as such? Thanx!

 

[Panatella]

Panatella, can you please quote which verse in the Quran that states as such? Thanx!

Surah 24:3.

 

[SilentObserver]

The Penalty for Adultery according to the Quran is flogging of 100 stripes while being witnessed by some people. Stoning is a possibility with strict conditions.

The position of Islam with regard to adultery is clear. If adultery is punished softly or not punished at all, the result will be destructive to the family structure. Islam punishes adultery severely in order to penalize offenders and to deter others.

Be sure before accusing someone though. The punishment of a false accuser is flogging him eighty stripes and not admitting evidence from him throughout his life. The purpose for this is that such an accusation is very damaging to a person.

Don't you think stoning is a little extreme? Or I suppose you support this?

 

[Panatella]

Don't you think stoning is a little extreme? Or I suppose you support this?

I do not support throwing rocks at people, no. Seems a bit barbaric to me.

 

[Snowflake]

=myaspires;598437]Muslimah Sis, I wasn't keeping things to myself, all of you knew about this now :rollseyes

lol I know bro and I hope it helps to share with us.

Of course my mind wanders at times, but thinking about GOD cools everything off in me. And it didn't disturb my sleep. The situation in the house is still warm and cozy, I never let this interfere with my kid's playtime and our family meals together, we still talk as normal, cos she didn't know that I knew. Lately, she is behaving extra well and extra nice towards me physically and emotionally.

MashaAllah I really admire your self-control bro and the way you haven't let this situation affect the atmosphere at home.

I hope to Allah I'm right but if your wife is being extra nice then she may have realised that what she was doing is wrong. Her reaction could be out of guilt. Maybe by seeing this man a few times she's realised that he is not what he made out to be and she's realised her mistake. I pray everything works out for all your sakes.

But I would advise you to sit down and just have a chat with her. Not about what you know, but just ask if she is happy with you and so on. It may give you a clue as to what went wrong in the first place.