seriously need some direction guideline in desperate need

[AnonymousPoster]

long story short i was pressured into marriage two years ago in abroad and its being a roller coaster from start to finish while being married I haven really been contact with the alleged husband of mine just on and off I became ill and tormanted couldnt believ what was hapenin to me till i couldnt take no more i some how picked up courage to seperate from him after a year initially he came to an agreement with me that he accepts my request for divorce as he can see i dont want it. I am happy to give everythin they gave i dont want to keep anythin absolute nothin

I went to mosque sent out all the relevant paper work for khula i thought it would hv got sorted without going to shariah court. While the khula was going through I had prospectiv marriage proposal nothin went ahead but i did want to get married again once the divorce was through my intention were to get married again considering the marriage i was in never felt like a marriage just a big mess i didn't know how to get my self out of.

Anyway after a while he decided not to sign the papers its not him whose refusing its his family who wont let him sign it. so i thought i'll give them more time because he's family refused and they wont sign it until i offer to make him a legal citizen in my country I refused. This being dragging for very long time i have not been in contact with them for more thn six months now so i decided to go to shariah council four months ago and they are looking in to the claim.

However i heard some where that if there is no contact between husban and wife for more than 6months its classed as divorce. Also as i am thinking of remarrying again as there is someone who wants to marry me and they know and understand about my situation am i commitin a major sin I have not met them or had no physical contact but i have an idea of the person who wants to marry me and have spoken to them when the khula was going through.

my question is When its mentioned about waiting period does that mean once the khula certificate has been granted by court i have to wait three months before thinkin of another marriage or is it three months of initial seperation from partner. it means nothing to me just a piece of paper contract of money making contract which has ruined my life and destroyed my family.

I dont wanna get married yet or til end of year or so but im scared that im even thinkin about it.I just want to start my life and be out of this mess as i a getting older and dont want to leave it till really late. but i dont know what my rights are there s long waiting list to see the court can drag up to another 6months i just wanted to know wat my rights were and where i'm going wrong. Everything just everywhere i just wanna sort somestuff out but have no idea where to start just been in one place for whole 2years and im getting sick of living the same day over and over and over.

 

[Salahudeen]

hmmm as far as I'm aware even if he doesn't agree to the divorce you can still get divorced, so what ever you do don't give him citizenship. Don't let them get away with the black mail.

Try different imams, I know 1 sister who went to 3 different imam's before she finally found 1 who gave her the divorce.

he can't trap you in a marriage you don't want to be in. even if he won't sign I'm sure there's ways you can get out of the marriage.

 

[sabr*]

سم الله الرحمن الرحيم

Bismillā hir Rahmā nir Rahīm
In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful​

اشْهَدُ انْ لّآ اِلهَ اِلَّا اللّهُ وَ اَشْهَدُ اَنَّ مُحَمَّدً اعَبْدُه وَ رسوله

Ašh hadu al-lā ilāha illā-llāhu, wa ašh hadu anna Muhammadun ‘abduhu wa rasūluhu
I bear witness that none is worthy of worship but Allah, the One alone, without partner, and I bear witness that Muhammad is His servant and Messenger


As-Salāmu `Alaykum (السلام عليكم):

My first suggestions if not already performed is:

1. Perform dua
2. Istikhara salah
3. Understand the process of divorce
4. Don't give the rights Allah has granted you away.

When you are equipped with what Allah commands it is difficult for anyone to enforce culture or opinions on you.

Generalized questions are always welcomed. A person giving just advise requires two sides of the story.

Receiving marital advise on a forum is the last thing you should seek.

If your situation is beyond marriage counseling from a trained and certified marriage counselor who uses Islam for end resolution then become knowledgeable about your rights.

This response was given with the best intentions and I hope that it was of benefit to the questioner.

 

[Muslim Woman]

if there is no contact between husban and wife for more than 6months its classed as divorce.

No , it's not true.

Also as i am thinking of remarrying again

you are a marrried woman now. So , no man has a right to send u proposal now.

just a piece of paper contract of money making contract which has ruined my life and destroyed my family.

Can u explain more ? What is this money making contract ?

your husband is a bad person and tortured u or u disliked him just because u were forced in to marriage ? Divorce is allowed when necessary but it's not encouraged.

So , if u really can't live with ur husband , then u can go to court and end ur married life. During the time of Prophet pbuh , a woman ended her married life despite the request of Prophet pbuh . Husband cried so much that his beard got wet . But Prophet pbuh gave her permisssion to do so .


.[QUOTE im getting sick of living the same day over and over and over.[/QUOTE]

as already suggested , offer Istekhara and then go ahead . U may talk to a divorce lawyer .

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

well its good to hear that you have seen a trustworthy, knowledgeable person about this, and not just beared the full brunt of this for the sake of stupid culture =). i know that in some cases that it is permissible for a woman to ask for a divorce and/or she has legitimate grounds for one (eg:http://islamqa.com/en/ref/9481/woman asking for divorce). please dont do anything hasty or go back to him knowing that you will get badly mistreated. but at the same time, dont get ahead of yourself and dont think about marriage and dont get married whilst your still married/until the court finalizes everything.

where is all your family in all this? arent they supporting you?

 

[AnonymousPoster]

thanks for all ur response

Theres many reasons why were separated the story is just too long its not just one thing there is number of issues. It was something that was never suppose to take place or should have never happened and in the right timing it could have been avoided however bitter twist in faith led to the point.
We live in separate country have no contact with each other at all never really did i dont even know what he does he doesn’t know much about me either. We dont support each other in anyways theres no emotional attachment. I cnt even ssy his name or refer him as my other half it just makes me angry whole experience just makes me sick. All there is between us is a paper i dont think its him whose refusing to giv divorce its his family who won’t let him do it.

I have dont isthikara when i faced with the problem initially and was told by Islamic counsellor to follow my heart.
Even though we have been separated for long time does that mean he still has right over me. When strangers ask me are u married i just dont know what to sy sometimes i forget thet i actually did or am in the situation because im so removed from the concept as it never symbolised what a marriage is or suppose to be it feels really weird wen someone says I’m married as I just feel lik how can i be labelled as that without even experiencing it.

Family have been more than supported they just tell me to forget about it and everythin will sort it self out in time and not to despair about it. But i guess its easy to say than done. Theres not really male dominance in my family so i think that doesn’t help. My family tried to come to compromise but it all comes down to citizenship. So they just given up now and say time will fix it and we send all relevant documents just wait for them to come through which just leaves me standing in the middle.

I just dont know what im suppose to do and what im not suppose to do whether im still obliged to the person or not i dont know what to mk of the situation i dont know what to think or not to think i dont wanna get married yet thats not the point and not do i intend to until everythin is sorted properly. but i just cnt stand the idea of owing something to someone who im not attached to other than in a form of a contract and i have to put my life on hold just for the sake of some one else’s stubbornness I just hate living in complete isolation and whatever i feel has no importance.

As i have spoke to a male in middle and thought of remarrying while the khula was going through i now realised that was wrong and i shouldn’t have but i was so angry i just didn’t care i became adamant that i didn’t want nothing to do with it anymore and i couldn’t fight with them any more just wanted to forget about it. But its only recently i realised i had to get it sorted and i had to get it sorted properly its not gonna go away by itself.

But now I’m finding myself in regret as i shouldn’t have though about getting married again I’m scared i might have done something very wrong by talking to someone else. Is there any types of forgiveness I can ask or is it too late hv i already committed something major can I pray any type of prayer to ask for forgiveness. I just seem to dug a bigger hole just dont know where to start marriage is the biggest obligation yet i failed I keep failing and failing gods test ive just given up i don’t even care if Allah takes my life. Sometimes I think how I can ask for forgivness when I deserve all the punishment I get and maybe I’m just destined for hell

 

[Asiyah3]

But now I’m finding myself in regret as i shouldn’t have though about getting married again I’m scared i might have done something very wrong by talking to someone else. Is there any types of forgiveness I can ask or is it too late hv i already committed something major can I pray any type of prayer to ask for forgiveness. I just seem to dug a bigger hole just dont know where to start marriage is the biggest obligation yet i failed I keep failing and failing gods test ive just given up i don’t even care if Allah takes my life. Sometimes I think how I can ask for forgivness when I deserve all the punishment I get and maybe I’m just destined for hell

:wa:

“And certainly, We shall test you with something of fear, hunger, loss of wealth, lives and fruits, but give glad tidings to As‑ Saabiroon (the patient)” [al-Baqarah 2:155]

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “If Allaah loves a people, He tries them, and whoever has patience will have patience, and whoever is anxious will be anxious.” (Reported by Imaam Ahmad; Saheeh al-Jaami’, 1706).

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) also said: “The extent of the reward will be in accordance with the extent of the trial. If Allaah loves a people, He tries them, and whoever is content will have contentment, and whoever is angry will have anger.” (Reported by al-Tirmidhi, 2320; Saheeh al-Jaami’, 2210).


The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “How wonderful is the affair of the believer, for all of it is good, and that applies to no one except the believer. If something good happens to him he gives thanks, and that is good for him, and if something bad befalls him he bears it with patience, and that is good for him.” (Narrated by Muslim, 2999).



Sister, please beware of despairing of the mercy of Allaah.

Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“Say: “O ‘Ibaadi (My slaves) who have transgressed against themselves (by committing evil deeds and sins)! Despair not of the Mercy of Allaah, verily, Allaah forgives all sins. Truly, He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful” [al-Zumar 39:53]. And He says (interpretation of the meaning): “… and My Mercy embraces all things…” [al-A’raaf 7:156]

“Say: “O ‘Ibaadi (My slaves) who have transgressed against themselves (by committing evil deeds and sins)! Despair not of the Mercy of Allaah, verily, Allaah forgives all sins. Truly, He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful” [al-Zumar 39:53].

May Allah guide you to do that which pleases Him and grant you a righteous husband.

 

[Snowflake]

Anyway after a while he decided not to sign the papers its not him whose refusing its his family who wont let him sign it. so i thought i'll give them more time because he's family refused and they wont sign it until i offer to make him a legal citizen in my country I refused. This being dragging for very long time i have not been in contact with them for more thn six months now so i decided to go to shariah council four months ago and they are looking in to the claim.

Sis, May Allah ease your difficulties and bestow His mercy and blessings upon you. Ameen.

It's good you have gone to the Shariah Court for Khula. If your husband still refuses to grant you divorce, the Shariah Court can issue a divorce on his behalf. Make sure you keep track of what's going on. They need a push sometimes.

But now I’m finding myself in regret as i shouldn’t have though about getting married again I’m scared i might have done something very wrong by talking to someone else. Is there any types of forgiveness I can ask or is it too late hv i already committed something major can I pray any type of prayer to ask for forgiveness. I just seem to dug a bigger hole just dont know where to start marriage is the biggest obligation yet i failed I keep failing and failing gods test ive just given up i don’t even care if Allah takes my life. Sometimes I think how I can ask for forgivness when I deserve all the punishment I get and maybe I’m just destined for hell

Ok, look.. first of all, you admit you didn't know it was haram to discuss marriage in the future while you're still a married woman. Allah is Fair and Just, and knows you better than you know yourself. When we realize we've done something wrong knowingly or unknowingly, we ask Allah for forgiveness, and then we believe and hope Allah will forgive us because He is the Merciful and Kind. If you start thinking, 'oh no I'm so bad I'll never be forgiven..' it's like saying that Allah can't forgive us. Na udhu billah. We know that's not true, because Allah is Ghafoorur Raheem. The shaytaan doesn't want us to believe that so he puts things in your head to lead you to despair. Don't let him do that in this matter or any other. Believe in Allah's forgiveness, because He himself tells us that He will forgive the believer who repents, even if his sins are as high as the mountains. Allah is Patient with the believers. Have faith in His Mercy.


:wa:

 

[AnonymousPoster]

Dont you have to consummate the marriage for it to be 100% valid? just asking not sure myself

 

[cat eyes]

Welcome to the forum. i just want to say that sister i really hope you are divorcing your husband for serious reasons and not for something piety and little. Allah swt hates divorce however it is halal and before anybody considers divorce both of them should see a scholar before making any drastic decisions.
you didnt just decide to divorce because of this other man did you? i really hope not sister.

id really consider you think through things first and make sure this is what you want. from your posts you said that your husband has done stuff but what kind of stuff to make you file for a divorce? i hope i am not sounding nosey i just want to make sure sister you are making a proper decision that will be accepted from Allah swt on the day of judgement. you know sometimes shaytan puts so many things in to our heads and make us believe what we are doing is the right thing for us and not to bother make a go of your marriage for the sake of Allah swt.

 

[AnonymousPoster]

Welcome to the forum. i just want to say that sister i really hope you are divorcing your husband for serious reasons and not for something piety and little. Allah swt hates divorce however it is halal and before anybody considers divorce both of them should see a scholar before making any drastic decisions.
you didnt just decide to divorce because of this other man did you? i really hope not sister.

id really consider you think through things first and make sure this is what you want. from your posts you said that your husband has done stuff but what kind of stuff to make you file for a divorce? i hope i am not sounding nosey i just want to make sure sister you are making a proper decision that will be accepted from Allah swt on the day of judgement. you know sometimes shaytan puts so many things in to our heads and make us believe what we are doing is the right thing for us and not to bother make a go of your marriage for the sake of Allah swt.

first of all i didnt wanna get married and was not ready but it was done a i knew i had to get on with it because it was done and it was too late. but do you know how it feels to live like a dead person without any feelings but theres only so much a person can take until they just have enough.

theres nothing worse than being in a situation where you didnt want to be in the first place than ur left with all the blame and all the mess to sort out and at the end ur the one who is left to pay for the price all your life and to think for the same reason that ruined ur life in dunya its gonna ruin ur life in akhire than what is the point of having a life.

we never got on we'll just argue over anything and everything they dont understand me at all i dont understand them. their is no sense of communication bonding conversation togethernes or anything. i dont even if we ever had a converstion about anything that was worth tallking about we just liv in two different worlds with two different views and perspectives.

we want different things from life were just two different people its just simple as that you just know when soemthin will work and when something isnt. I felt opressed when i was with them i feel almost drained of my energy. I just felt like they just like me for what i was and not for who i was the person doesnt even know me and thinks can make statement about me. they were in my head and messed my head they pushed me over edge. I became chronically depressed when I was with him i forgot who i was. i dont know why i felt that way but i just know i did It. I dont blame no body its just my kismat and i just got my self in to a mess that i know i shouldn't have. Our mentality just doesn't go together... even got to a point where my friends and family told me to just sort it out and it wasnt worth what i was going through... i didnt know such things can happen in life i lived a very simple life before unaware of peoples tactics and traps.

By knowing how i feel about them or how the relationship is like how am i suppose to build the future like that or bring any children in that sort of atmosphere. marriage is suppose to be sacred and and has so much meanings but when all its forms is taken out from it it just becomes a burden and a task living without a meaning.

Surely no body wants to be known as a divorcee its not something a person decides to do just for the sake of its never the easy option. I cant even say that word i never belived what it stand for until i found my self in the situation. The shame dignity honour and the way people perceive you everything is lost why would i want to go through all that but sister with due all respect What option do i have but to end it what happiness am i gonna giv to someone who i cant stand being in the same room as. to be honest i dont even lik him as a person i dont lik his characteristics or what he stands for

sister.... im sorry i might have said too much but i cant even talk about it whole experience makes my blood boil. Yes i have thought of getting married again but by the time we were seperated for a long time and i wanted a fresh start and build my life back again.

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

The shame dignity honour and the way people perceive you everything is lost why would i want to go through all that but sister with due all respect What option do i have but to end it what happiness am i gonna giv to someone who i cant stand being in the same room as. to be honest i dont even lik him as a person i dont lik his characteristics or what he stands for

the shame of what? stop thinking like that uktee :heated: the only shame is one the ones who cant mind their own business and have nothing better to do then stick their big noes where it doesn't belong. stop blaming yourself! divorce is nothing to be ashamed of and you are not a stupid woman whose to take the full blame for her marriage caving in. cement that in your head and dont take no bull rubbish from anyone who tries to pin the blame on you as a wife/female for your marriage stuffing up!
im sorry i cant stand the one-sided cultural rubbish mentality. i know you are not divorced, but if it so happens be strong and dont let your self be run over with unjust blame. subhanallah, please value and hold yourself in higher esteem then that. may allah ease your burdens.

 

[cat eyes]

Divorce is nothing to be ashamed of. marriages were failing also in the time of the prophet (saw) people are so thick and stupid that they don't believe that divorce was happening back then! it was!! and some people just have this backward mentality and cultural belief that you must stay in a marriage even if the husband is oppressing you and not fufiling your rights. my sister those people who judge others are nothing but a piece of trash to Allah swt they have not got a clue what goes on inside of the doors of a married couple. they just love gossiping and saying cruel stuff..

I Know i am not in your place. i just wanted to make sure you are making the right choices here because ive always believed everybody deserves a second shot. and it might be that your husband has made mistakes but is willing to change that being the reason why he was refusing to give u divorce in the first place. nobody said marriage is going to be easy.. id never encourage anybody to take a divorce without hearing the other side of the story and even then i still wouldnt encourage divorce because i fear Allah swt..

everybodies problems are different you see and i have witnessed married couples going through rough patches but then reconceling...having a change of heart.

i really hope it works out for you and what ever decision you make i hope its for the best inshaAllah..

and i would stop all communication with that brother until your divorce is finalised because the more you keep doing that sin and after realising it was wrong and still doing it, the more you will be held accountable for it sister.

thats why Allah tells us to be patient in times of struggle.
:wa:

 

[Muslim Woman]

Dont you have to consummate the marriage for it to be 100% valid?

when 2 persons give consent in front of witnesses and dowry / a part of dowry is given , marriage is done. If husband wants to divorce wife before physical intimacy , then he has to pay half of the dowry.

To get divorced , the couple does not need to stay together.

 

[Asiyah3]

Sister, I hope everything will go well for you. I don't see the point in staying in a marriage in which there's only sufferment and pain... Sometimes divorce is a better option.

May Allah guide you to do that which pleases Him

 

[AlbanianMuslim]

Divorce is nothing to be ashamed of. marriages were failing also in the time of the prophet (saw) people are so thick and stupid that they don't believe that divorce was happening back then! it was!! and some people just have this backward mentality and cultural belief that you must stay in a marriage even if the husband is oppressing you and not fufiling your rights. my sister those people who judge others are nothing but a piece of trash to Allah swt they have not got a clue what goes on inside of the doors of a married couple. they just love gossiping and saying cruel stuff..

I Know i am not in your place. i just wanted to make sure you are making the right choices here because ive always believed everybody deserves a second shot. and it might be that your husband has made mistakes but is willing to change that being the reason why he was refusing to give u divorce in the first place. nobody said marriage is going to be easy.. id never encourage anybody to take a divorce without hearing the other side of the story and even then i still wouldnt encourage divorce because i fear Allah swt..

everybodies problems are different you see and i have witnessed married couples going through rough patches but then reconceling...having a change of heart.

i really hope it works out for you and what ever decision you make i hope its for the best inshaAllah..

and i would stop all communication with that brother until your divorce is finalised because the more you keep doing that sin and after realising it was wrong and still doing it, the more you will be held accountable for it sister.

thats why Allah tells us to be patient in times of struggle.
:wa:

well said cateyes


I strongly suggest a muslim marriage counselor if you can find one or talking to an imam. I truly believe if he treats you right there can be things done to allow your feelings to develop for him.

 

[AnonymousPoster]

Hey, sister...
I am sorry for all the troubles that you are facing.

I was in a very similar situation to yourself and i can understand the difficulties that you are going through. I got married to someone from pakistan and he came to the uk. i didn;t want to get married and had a forced married. I wasn;t ready for the married and when my husband came to the uk we were very different and still are in many ways.

my heart goes out to you as i have been in a similar situation.
My advice would be follow your heart and keep praying. It will get you through a lot.

good luck

 

[hanif_]

Know the rights Allah has granted you!

Hey, sister...
I am sorry for all the troubles that you are facing.

I was in a very similar situation to yourself and i can understand the difficulties that you are going through. I got married to someone from Pakistan and he came to the UK. i didn't want to get married and had a forced married. I wasn't ready for the married and when my husband came to the UK we were very different and still are in many ways.

my heart goes out to you as i have been in a similar situation.
My advice would be follow your heart and keep praying. It will get you through a lot.

good luck

I realize that the reality is that women around the world have entered into marriages with the influence of their family. I would hope that the family had the best interests of the female.

Now that doesn't excuse people insinuating that the practice is related to Islam and not culture.

Hearing the continuous statement that a woman was forced to marry may be a reality. But it isn't Islam.

Read the following. And then read it again.

Sahih Al Bukhari Volume 7, Book 62, Number 67:

Narrated Abu Huraira:

The Prophet said, "A matron should not be given in marriage except after consulting her; and a virgin should not be given in marriage except after her permission." The people asked, "O Allah's Apostle! How can we know her permission?" He said, "Her silence (indicates her permission)."

When a Muslimah knows her rights Allah has granted them no one is able to take them away unless she allows it.

Study Study Study

 

[AnonymousPoster]

force marriage are not allowed in Islam and your right to say its not Islamic.
How ever the reality is that there are so many people, male and female who have been force to get married when they don;t want to, and are not happy.

I do think that some parents when they force children to get married will have there best interest at heart however there are some who parent who will have family pride and family bond and family links what ever you want to call it at heart. But Allah knows best.

 

[syilla]

Dont you have to consummate the marriage for it to be 100% valid? just asking not sure myself

No... not necessarily. But it is easier to get a divorce InshaAllah.