Serving inlaws

[Salahudeen]

We have decided not to go ahead with it. He wants someone to always be around his sister and his mother, and be helping his mum out without the bill **** excuses that I am tired lol!

:hmm: then it's for the best, you obviously weren't compatible since you wanted different things. Try and find a soft understanding man.

 

[ardianto]

Why would I pay some money towards a maid to help his mum out? I rather give money to my parents who are renting a property! I'm not asking him to serve my parents as that's my duty as why is he?

You didn't tell us before that his mother is not a widow who lives alone. I assumed she need help because she is old and lives alone.

Actually my solutions are test and challenge to know, is he a son who really care to his mother or not. But after I read your next posts, I make a conclusion, he is not an independent person, but a person who under control by his mother and the family. Sorry if I must say honestly, it's not easy to live with a husband like this.

Can u give me evidence from Quran to avoid men like this who yes are religious but want a women to do as their every command?

Avoid him ? do you mean reject his marriage proposal ?. You can ask local ulama, do women have a right to decide, accept or not accept a marriage proposal ?. I know, the answer is, women have a right to decide, accept or not accept a marriage proposal.

 

[anonymous]

No his mother is not old or unwell, not is she lonely she is always around people. He is controlled and dependent on his mum and sister too much.

We do want different things, because I said all I can offer is my services to get hen I can and that's not daily. He then said a women shouldn't work in Islam and that she should wear a veil!!!! Which I don't wear a veil and I do want to work. He wants someone always around his sister and mother and doesn't want rubbish excuses like me saying "I am tired to to his mothers"

Is it me or is this jus totally out of order. I really prayer for a pious brother and now I'm back to square one. Maybe I should change ???

 

[ardianto]

It can explain why he is emotionally abusive and made horrible sexual comment toward the girl who engaged with him before, .... if that rumor is true.

I don't think he watched porn movie because he could learn those horrible words from people around him without watching porn. But it seem like he is a person under pressure who afraid to someone/some persons who control him.

Now is up to you. Do you still want to marry him or not ?. If you want to marry him, you should able to motivate him become an independent person who dare to make his own decision. Or, he would always force you to follow what his mother want. If you refuse his order, he can be abusive because he is panic, his mother will angry to him.

Basically he can be a good husband, if he can be himself who can make his own decision without pressure from his mother and his sister, and start learn to respect to his wife.

But if you are not able to motivate him become an independent person, sorry, it's better if you wait another man. Probably it will hurt his heart. But, this is not your fault.

 

[anonymous]

He changed his mind and said he doesn't want a wedding just a nikkah and use money to go Saudi. Insha'Allah greed to this. He said he always wants someone round his mother and sister. I said I'll go round and help when I can. He then said he doesn't want me to work and to wear a veil. He said islamically I'm not allowed to work and should wear a veil yet I know a women can work as long as she's covered and that some scholars say veil isn't fard. So families have called it off.


Does this mean it wasn't meant to be?

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

He changed his mind and said he doesn't want a wedding just a nikkah and use money to go Saudi. Insha'Allah greed to this. He said he always wants someone round his mother and sister. I said I'll go round and help when I can. He then said he doesn't want me to work and to wear a veil. He said islamically I'm not allowed to work and should wear a veil yet I know a women can work as long as she's covered and that some scholars say veil isn't fard. So families have called it off.


Does this mean it wasn't meant to be?

Sister the whole point of talking to a potential spouse before marriage (In the presence of a mahram) is to establish these very things that you have mentioned and to ask each other of expectations etc. It is clear after knowing about each others expectations that the both of you want different things. You should be happy that this is established now otherwise you may have gone through hell and it may have even led to divorce. Unfortunately many couples do not know what they are letting themselves into until it is too late.

You are lucky in that you have been given a clear indication of what he wants and expects from you and you also have an indiciation of what things will be like if you were married to him. Therefore it is best that you cut off contact with him now and try and find some who's expectations are closer to your own and stop wasting your time.

Unfortunately there are many Muslim brothers and sisters out there who are struggling to find partners and at times it is easy to lose hope and become disillusioned. But we must realise that whatever is destined for us WILL happen. Everything happens ONLY by Allahs decree and that includes when and who we marry.

So what we must do is continue to make the best effort we can in trying to find a partner, for that maybe through our families, relatives, friends, local community, Masjids, colleagues and associates, marriage events and even websites.

At the sametime we should make sincere dua with full hope, trust and reliance in Allah and when the time is right then we will get marry for ONLY Allah knows best.

So we must continue to be patient and persevere in trying to find a partner and those that reject you or it does not proceed any further with then know that they were simply not meant for you but know that Allah has someone better in store for you as long as you go about marriage in the right and permissable way.

So You must NEVER lose hope as that is what shaythan wants as he is our enemy and always wanting us to be diverted from the right path and he is wanting us to lose hope in Allah so we stop remembering him but you MUST reject him as he is our enemy for eternity!

So we MUST continue to strive and persevere and be strong and have FULL hope and faith in Allah that he will do what is best for us whenever it is destined for us.

Some of us get married late and some get married early for that is the way life is. But that certainly does NOT mean that you will get any less happiness than those who marry early. It just means that marriage was destined for you later than some. But that may be for the best as Allah knows best why things happen the way they do in our lives.

So we must have FULL trust in Allah that he knows what is best for us and that he will give us our destined partners whenever he feels is the best time.

In the meantime we must continue to explore all of the permissable avenues of looking for a marriage partner and at the same time make sincere dua and put your FULL hope, trust and faith in Allah that he will do what is best for you.

Beg of Allah in dua to help you fulfill your requests especially during Tahajjud time in the third portion of the night.

Also do the following to help you find a marriage partner:

1. Pray 2 rakat salaatul Hajaat:

The hadith regarding it: Abullah ibn Abi Awfa (Allah be pleased with him) relates that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “Whoever has a need with Allah, or with any human being, then let them perform ritual ablutions well and then pray two rakats. After that, let them praise Allah and send blessings on the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace). After this, let them say,

لا إِلَهَ إِلا اللَّهُ الْحَلِيمُ الْكَرِيمُ
سُبْحَانَ اللَّهِ رَبِّ الْعَرْشِ الْعَظِيمِ

الْحَمْدُ لِلَّهِ رَبِّ الْعَالَمِين
أَسْأَلُكَ مُوجِبَاتِ رَحْمَتِكَ وَعَزَائِمَ مَغْفِرَتِكَ وَالْغَنِيمَةَ مِنْ كُلِّ بِرٍّ وَالسَّلامَةَ مِنْ كُلّإِثْمٍ
لا تَدَعْ لِي ذَنْبًا إِلا غَفَرْتَهُ وَلا هَمًّا إِلا فَرَّجْتَهُ وَلا حَاجَةً هِيَ لَكَ رِضًا إِلا قَضَيْتَهَا يَا أَرْحَمَ الرَّاحِمِينَ

There there no god but Allah the Clement and Wise.
There is no god but Allah the High and Mighty.
Glory be to Allah, Lord of the Tremendous Throne.
All praise is to Allah, Lord of the worlds.
I ask you (O Allah) everything that leads to your mercy, and your tremendous forgiveness, enrichment in all good, and freedom from all sin.
Do not leave a sin of mine (O Allah), except that you forgive it, nor any concern except that you create for it an opening, nor any need in which there is your good pleasure except that you fulfill it, O Most Merciful!”

[Related by Tirmidhi and Ibn Maja)

Here is the dua after praying 2 rakat salaatul hajaat:

http://www.central-mosque.com/Dua/11...0of need.htm


2. Give as much Sadaqa as possible for the pleasure of Allah

3. Make much strong dua to Allah particularly in the latter portuion of the night after praying Tahajjud prayer. Cry to Allah if you can for Allah tends the slave who cries and weeps faster than a mother tends its baby.

4. Leave major sins for this gets in the way of duas being accepted.

5. Thank Allah as much as possible for how happy would Allah be with his slave who is thankful to him even though they may be going through difficult trials.

6. Make dua as much as possible in the following situations where dua is more likely to be accepted:

- After every fardh salaat and before going to bed, and after making wudhu(after the wudhu dua), while raining, while azzan is in progress(time when the muezzin pauses during the azaan), after azaan, between azaan and iqmah, when the cock crows, in a religious gathering, while travelling to masjid or on the way to meet a sick person etc

There is also an hour on Jumma where duas are definatley accepted so do as much dua as possible before, during and Jumma, particularly between Asr and Maghrib.

7. Do plenty of durood before and after dua.

Increase the avenues you are currently exploring in order to find a suitable marriage partner like:

9. Ask around for those who have contacts for marriage because in most areas where there are Muslims there are usually 8omen who have contacts which they pass on to people and if it gets to marriage then you just pay them a small fee.

9. Goto proper Islamic marriage events where the girls are accompanied by their mahrams

10. Join some Muslim marriage sites where a mahram is involved like purematrimony.com

11. Ask around your local area in al of your local masjids. You can phone them and they will be more than willing to put you in ouch with the right person who sets up local marriages.

12. Ask close friends or relatives.

13. Recite the following abundantely in your dua's:

Rabbi innee limaa anzalta ilayya min khayrin faqeer

[My lord, I am in absolute need of the good You send me]

14. a) Be in the state of Tahaarah (Wudhu)

b) Praise and glorify Allah

c) Have faith that Allah Ta'ala is All-Hearing and your Du'aas will be
accepted.

d)Read plenty of durood shareef (Read much of the Duroode-Ibrahimi, which we read towards the end of Salaah)


So NEVER give up hope because whatever is best will happen for you because with hardship comes ease. When you finally find the one who is destined for you then you will appreciate them so much more because of how difficult it was to find them in the first place.

So please act upon the advice i have given and continue to be strong, strive and persevere and in the end you will be victorious!

May Allah find us the God fearing and pious partners who will benefit us in this world and the next so that together our paths to Jannah will be made easier. Ameen

 

[Riana17]

Salam Ukhtee, you can change but for good.

A controlling man will not make you happy, inshallah one who is meant to you will come soon. One who will make you at peace all the time, gives you freedom, someone who has correct knowledge in ISLAM and love you for sake of Allah. Amen