Shall i give up on my husband??

[anonymous]

I would firstly like to emphasise how much in love my husband and myself are in. He takes very good care of me and has taught me a lot about Islam and i respect him so much.
I know he loves me a lot too but it has come to a point that our relationship is crumbling down due to arguments regarding OTHER people. As much as we mantain our relationship and issues, other people cannot help but interferring. This in particular is his family whom i live with.
Before we got married, we had both agreed on the terms that we would move out and will not be living in his parents house. His parents also agreed to this and i thought everything was going to be perfect.
I am 9 months pregnant now and inshallah due a baby girl soon and we have recently got the keys to a beautiful little apartment not very far from his parents house.
However, when he mentioned this to his parents, his mum had gone hysterical, creating drama like usual. When he said to her "you said so yourself that we will be moving out", she denies that she had accepted to any of this. She is always creating drama in the household for me, especially as i am on maternity leave and my husband is mostly away for work. Believe me when i say i am 9 months pregnant and due to SPD and Aneamia, i usually feel very weak and every time i cry i can feel the strain on my stomach going to my baby and it has come to a point where i can't handle it any more, so i left to stay at my parents house for a while. My parents live 2 hour drive away and i hardly see them. My husband has no issue for me to go there and see my family and rest but his parents do not like this.
I feel confused and trapped. I patiently lived at his parents house for such a long time, praying to Allah (SWT) that things will get better for me and now we have our own place and we are having trouble moving into there as his parents are so dramatical about it. As if his mum doesn't understand that her son is married and has a family. I don't know who to believe. Did he lie to me upon marriage or is his mum lying?
I feel guilty either way to make him leave when his mother doesn't want him to. I told him to mention us getting our own place sooner to them but he didn't listen to me and i knew this would happen.
And now i had paid thousands of pounds rent in advance and the deposit out of my own pocket for a place i cannot live in? He's consistent about moving in the next couple of days but his parents are not happy, is it not within a sons obligation to listen to his mother? I feel like i have no choice but to leave the man that i love, my HUSBAND, so he can find himself a wife that is willing to comply to his MOTHERS NEEDS.

I just want my baby in my arms so i can spend all my time with her, shut myself out from the outside world, from anyone and everyone and live on my own forever.

I am seriously thinking of running away from everyone and living on my own but i am scared i cannot go through these last couple of weeks of pregnancy on my own.

Sorry for the long post. I don't know if i am looking for advice or comfort or just a place to share this.

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

wa alaykum us-salaam
no i dont think you should leave your husband especially since you mention that he is good and takes care of you...and even more so since you are going to have a child, inshallah.

you should however TRY to improve your relationship. both of you should put the effort in to make it better. ask yourselves where you are going wrong and what you can do about it. have a long talk and reach a compromise.

in regards to other people...why do you care what they think? what and why should/do they have anything to do with your marriage? does it make sense to you to listen to other people and yet ignore your own spouse?

you need to move out if this is the problem. your husband needs to speak to his parents kindly and explain what the situation is...especially since there is a baby involved. i dont know the details of your situation, but parents do eventually come around-you just have to be persistent (and kind) in it. his parents need to be reassured that he isn't going to leave them and that he is still going to look after and visit them...

 

[جوري]

I think you should move out, you have paid for the new apt. I'd simply pack a small bag, get my husband's permission to leave and go be in that apt. there is no need whatsoever to create undue stress on you and this child who is responsible from you and totally dependent on you!.. this is toxic for you and your baby.. but there is no reason for you to leave your loving husband but I think a few days away from him and his family might elucidate things better.. either go stay with your mom (family) until this baby is born or stay in that apt. Get your husband's permission first but don't back down from this decision.

and Allah swt knows best

 

[Alpha Dude]

Sister, don't leave your husband. Be firm and practical and don't take no for an answer. You have a right to your own place.

Just an advice sister, all marriages have hiccups. If you love your husband and he is being good to you except is having trouble in this one particular aspect, is it proper to want to abandon him? Don't overlook the good that he does for you. He is your family now. You shouldn't feel the need to run away. Be patient and win him round.

Sister, it's not without reasaon that Allah has said marriage is half the deen. There is a lot of reward to be gained in the hardships and pains and selfless behaviour both husband and wife have to go through in marriage.

So think very very carefully before even considering giving up and running away. Such a thought shouldn't even enter your mind unless the situation is a severe one, which based on what you say, isn't even the case seeing as you and your husband love each other. Just to put things into perspective, there are millions of women who 'try and make it work' even though there is no such love between the couple. Don't throw away the good that you have because of one ill-thought out move. Fight for your marriage. What is the value of your love if you feel like just leaving your husband?

Be patient. You have your house, it's just an issue of being firm with your husband and not taking no for an answer.

May Allah make things easy for you, ameen.

 

[Asiyah3]

I agree with the others, better not to leave your husband as the problem isn't between the two of you. You need move out, but I think it's better if you live with your parents because of the baby in case you need help etc. Don't run away, get your husband's approval.

May Allah ease all your affairs. Ameen.

 

[cat eyes]

his mother needs to learn a thing or two about islam. if she is stopping her son from giving his wife her full islamic rights, she is actually doing a major sin here and could possibly end up breaking up this marriage. she will be questioned about this on the day of judgment if she continues to cause problems for both of you. what a selfish woman she is that she is helping the shayytan to cause problems between the two of u and she should fear Allah and accept that her son has now another responsibility to his wife and child. sis was so sad reading your post. you do not need this tension. he could still visit his mum every single day. i do not see why this is such a big issue for his mother. your husband needs to stop being a mummies boy and start giving you your rights.. both you and his mother.

 

[Myself]

if you love your husband and your husband understands you well and takes good care of you (or as much as he can with a mother he has), dont let him go! try to work it out inshaallah. talk to your husband, make him understand the stress you're going through because of this, and how this is really putting pressure on your and his baby. i'd suggest instead of putting up a fight or something, take it the soft way, manipulate your husband into understanding how important it is for both of you to live separately in order for a healthy marriage. inshaallah, he will understand soon. also point out the fact that living separately does not mean that you two are abandoning your mother in law, it's only to strengthen your relationship with him... that can only happen when you're alone with him. inshaallah sister, if your husband understands this well, it shouldn't be a problem what your mother-in-law says or thinks (yes what she is doing at the moment by depriving you from your rights as a wife is not correct at all)... but as long as you have that support from the most important person of your life, everything will fall into place by itself inshaallah.

 

[cat eyes]

sister what you need to do is get a man in your family or your father to step in and tell him he needs to step up and be a man subhanAllah. it really needs to be told this and in a harsh fashion because it will wake him up a bit and realise what hes doing. look you have been so soft until now but your pregnant now and you cannot handle anymore stress on the baby.. he needs to understand the rights in islam when it comes to family because he clearly has not got a clue.

 

[Muslim Woman]

Salaam Sis,

living in a joint family is very common in my country . I also live in a joint family .

Joint family has it's plus and minus points. As u are going to have baby , it will help u to take care of baby and urself if u stay with in laws. May be , u don't have a good relationship with them and this is very common ; but be sure that they will be
worlds nicest grand ma / grand pa for ur baby .

But still if u think it's impossible to live with them and it can create such a problem like end of ur married life , then move . But pl. have a touch with them and don't stop ur husband from visiting them . I know some married men who rarely visit parents though they live the same city . Some don't even call parents .

And remember , among all valid matters , Allah dislikes divorce . So , if ur husband is a good person , think all alternates .

May Allah help u , Ameen.

 

[Muslim Woman]

Salaam

. what a selfish woman she is that she is helping the shayytan to cause problems between the two of u ..

pl . don't make such harsh comments about a mother and specially when we don't know about her side. Without getting / checking info from both sides , we must not come in to any conclusion.

Also , we must remember that mothers have many rights over son . Now a days , many young women ( I don't mean the OP sis ) don't understand this and after marriage , they think no one else has any right over her husband and that's a wrong attitude.

 

[Snowflake]

Assalamu alaykum,

I am seriously thinking of running away from everyone and living on my own but i am scared i cannot go through these last couple of weeks of pregnancy on my own

Be patient inshaAllah sis. Running away won't solve anything and you will create new problems for yourself. There is always an amicable solution if you don't do anything drastic.

I just want my baby in my arms so i can spend all my time with her, shut myself out from the outside world, from anyone and everyone and live on my own forever

That's what all mothers want. Their baby in front of their eyes - even if he is fifty years old. My son is 12 masha Allah and gone on a one day trip with his cousins. I've cried twice already, and just saying this is bringing tears to my eyes again. Please don't be hard on your MIL. She is reluctant to let her son go because of fear. She fears that once he is gone he will get so occupied in his new life he will forget them. These things happen sis. So she is just afraid. Talk to your husband gently and encourage him to talk to his mother and explain to her that he will visit them every day. he should do his best to put his mothers fears at rest.

I feel guilty either way to make him leave when his mother doesn't want him to.

Is the only reason you're unhappy and want to move out is due to the arguments? You didn't mention what the arguments were about. Please keep a softened attitude towards your MIL. I sense that you feel restless and angry that things didn't happen the way you expected. This is something that happens frequently in life. I know you blame your MIL but please don't. She is weak and finding it hard to overcome her fears. Please try not to blame her for that but try to make it easy for her as possible. Don't do anything that will damage relations and cause ill feelings in everyone's hearts. Your childs-to-be grandparents have a very special place in his/her life. Everything is in Allah's hands sis. He can change the worst situations to pleasant ones and vice versa. Make dua that any change that happens, happens amicably. InshaAllah.


:wa:

 

[Snowflake]

Well I keep telling my son that he has to move out when he gets married.

I got plans man. And baby-sitting grandkids isn't one of them

 

[shuraimfan4lyf]

:wa:, ukht, may Allah make it easy on you and your family. may Allah soften your mother in Laws heart. may Allah give you strength and patience. Life is full of trials and tribulation. Allah never leaves a believer without testing him. Look at it as a test for you from Allah..

Or think you that you will enter Paradise without such (trials) as came to those who passed away before you? They were afflicted with severe poverty and ailments and were so shaken that even the Messenger and those who believed along with him said, "When (will come) the Help of Allah?" Yes! Certainly, the Help of Allah is near! Surat Al-Baqara 2:214

O you who believe! Allah will certainly make a trial of you with something in (the matter of) the game that is well within reach of your hands and your lances, that Allah may test who fears Him unseen. Then whoever transgresses thereafter, for him there is a painful torment. Surat Al-Maidah 5:94

And know that your possessions and your children are but a trial and that surely with Allah is a mighty reward. Surat Al-Anfal 8:28

Just be patient, and kind towards your mother in law and your family. If she says something that you may dislike, smile and speak back with good words. It is hard to do that, but trust me it will have some kind of effect on her insha'Allah.

Everyone is going to taste death, and We shall make a trial of you with evil and with good, and to Us you will be returned. Surat al-Anbiya 21:35

Do people think that they will be left alone because they say: "We believe," and will not be tested. Surat Al-Ankabut 29:2

Wealth and children are the adornment of the life of this world. But the good righteous deeds (five compulsory prayers, deeds of Allah's obedience, good and nice talk, remembrance of Allah with glorification, praises and thanks, etc.), that last, are better with your Lord for rewards and better in respect of hope. Surat Al-Kahf 18:46

may Allah bless you with a rigtheous and strong girl, and make her among the ones who obey Allah and their parents. Ameen

 

[Muslim Woman]

Salaam

...son should live with the mother and abandon his wife

I did not say it's a mother's right to tell son to abandon wife . But expecting that he will live with them , how it goes against Islam ? In Muslim countries , even in the west , millions sons live with parents after marriage . A wife has a right that husband will give him a separate room ; so she can enjoy her privacy . But after marriage, if all sons leave parents , old parents lives will become miserable.

When women have arguments with their own parents / sister / brother , then they don't cut relationship with family . But many women encourage husband ( I don't mean here the OP sis ) to leaven family and don't even allow hubby to visit parent in weeks / more than a month . This sad things are happening now a days in front of our eyes , so it's very natural that a sis already explained , a mom fears that once her son leaves home , it means he is leaving her forever.

some scholars might say they could be some type of perversion in the mothers mind and shes in love with her son

Astagferrulaah . I request u not to suspect someone like this without proof. Millions of mothers are then guilty of this perversion ( if u or any scholars want to explain mothe's love in such a neg way ).



To the OP sis , pl. have some patinece . U are not the only one who lives in joint family and having problems with in - laws. Living seperate does not mean u won't face any problem . Bear with them unless it's really hard. May Allah reward u for ur patinece and good behaviour with in laws , Ameen.

Just for a break , is it possible to visit and stay with ur parents ?

 

[جوري]

I think the problem here isn't so much an issue of living with or living elsewhere .. it is that she is 9 m pregnant due at any minute and regardless of the relationship between them (since we don't know the details) a stress on a pregnant woman this late in pregnancy isn't good.. I know with millions of routine pregnancies round the clock folks think it is an easy pleasy physiological condition, and maybe so but the fact is the pregnant woman is a completely different 'animal' and alot can in fact go wrong.. even if the mind perceives things to be ok, the body can betray that.. She needs to be in a safe supportive environment until she has this child, whatever happens afterward can be dealt as it comes with although post pregnancy a woman still needs all the support she can get the fluctuations and changes in hormones can cause everything from normal postpartum blues to full blown psychosis ..

I know everyone is trying to assess the situation from every angle and some posts here are really far out but the only angle that exists right now is to deliver safely and for that she needs to be as stress free as possible..

 

[Danah]

Running away won't solve the issue dear sis, I pray that Allah will ease your affairs soon.

I don't know who to believe. Did he lie to me upon marriage or is his mum lying?

I think in order to clear out the whole issue, this is what you need to make sure of for now.

 

[Muslim Woman]

Salaam

may Allah forgive me if I gave any wrong advice to my Muslim sis .

May Allah increases His blessings in her life and bless her marriage , Ameen.

 

[limitless]

Salaam,

I have to say something. First of all, cat eyes you need to take it easy. The sister in her initial post clearly indicated that her husband and herself had agreed to move out. It didn't say anything about a "promise" .

secondly, this sister who is seeking aid, is confusing. She starts off with saying how much she loves her husband and etc, and says other people are intruding her relationship with her husband. Then she speaks about his mother who is bitter at the fact her son is moving out and i assume the father as well. Then she closes her paragraph saying she wants to disabandon her husband.

Clearly this sister is not thinking thorughly given the fact she is 9 months pregnant!!!
So, if the mother-in-law does not want you guys to move out, then don't? This is a big decision, you and your husband should've confirmed with the parents to ensure they are STILL OK with it!

Cat eyes, throwing such points like that "ISLAMIC RIGHTS OMG THE WOMENS DARN ISLAMIC RIGHTS" , ok we get the point, now please calm down. The muslim women is NOT being backwards.

Parents are to be honoured regardless. Especially the mother. You of all should know that fact! If her mother changed the mind, why isn't the SISTER who is SEEKING HELP, just be ok with it? Unless her relationship with the in-law is bad..which isn't clearly stated in her problem, so im gonna assume its not.


Leaving your husband because of this minor problem? No offense, but sister grow up. I understand and respect that your pregnant, and it is difficult . But, going to divorce on such a minor issue???? Seriously. Think thoroughly! do you know the aftermath if you DID get a divorce? the life for your baby girl, and yourself???!

Talk to your husband and the mother in law about this isssue. No one of us can give you a good solution because we don't know EXACT detail of your problem. And you shouldn't even be discussing husband/wife problems on internet with complete strangers. Our opinion is based on what YOU SAID, which is biased side of the story. So you'll get the solution that you want.

The mother in law isn't creating any problem. She just realised she doesn't want her son to leave, end of it. People change there mind, and with parents you should compromise.

It is said in Qur'an and ahadith to honour parents, especially the mother! This sister and Cat eye are being completely unreasonable!

Talk to your husband and then sit down with the mother-in-law and resolve the issue. We all gave our best advise.

Wa aleikum salam ! MAy allah make things easier for you and bless this baby girl for you, ameen.

 

[cat eyes]

Cat eyes, throwing such points like that "ISLAMIC RIGHTS OMG THE WOMENS DARN ISLAMIC RIGHTS" , ok we get the point, now please calm down. The muslim women is NOT being backwards.

this made me laugh.:haha: yeah your right brother:embarrass i can be drama queen sometimes :hiding:

but i just want to say something though brother and dont eat my head off;D

if he has made these promises to her like about moving out and stuff and has broken them, it really is a big deal

The first and worthiest condition of marriage to be fulfilled by the husband is to "keep the promise or promises he made to the wife at the time he married her." This is an order of the Prophet [salla Allahu `alayhi wa alihi wa sallam, abbr. (s)] according to the hadith: "ahaqqu al-shuruti an tufu bihi ma astahlaltum bihi min al-furuj"

so i don't think we should be to hard on her:hmm: she might have every right to be angry

''YES OMG he has to respect the mother'' im well aware of that oh dear brother and the op is also.

but there is one thing we must remember here is that he is not married to his mother!! and his wife might not have her privacy and there might be not any room to even raise a child so why are people jumping down her neck for?

''YES OMG he has to respect the mother'' im well aware of that oh dear brother and the op is also.

but rights of the mother can be fufiled without having to live with his mother. OMG can u imagine?

 

[Asiyah3]

Sisters I think you all have a great point. :wub:

Cat eyes, I agree that if a woman, as in this case, doesn't feel comfortable in her in-laws house, has a right to move out especially when there's a baby as sis Skye :wub: pointed out. But please refrain from judging the husband.

Muslim woman, I agree we've only heard one side of the story and Jazakiallah for considering the mother's position and advising the sister to uphold ties.

Jazakumullah and forgive me if I've said anything wrong.