Should I encourage my sister to get divorced or work things out?

[anonymous]

Assalamu alaykum

My sister has been married for approx 2 years and a few months. Her husband seems like a good practicing brother who frequently prays at the masjid and attends lessons and teaches Quran to little kids. But their marriage has been rocky and they've had many problems.

They have a 1 year old son and my sister is pregnant with her second. My sister complained to my father that occasionally her husband would beat her. My father spoke to her husband and he's apologised for beating her. He also kissed my fathers hand and said he acknowledges that he's got a temper problem and when he loses it, he resorts to beating. He also said he's working on this issue.

Most of the times though, he complains to my father about how my sister annoys him and doesn't listen to him. He's been very patient with her rude and annoying behaviour. When they have problems or argue, her husband tells my father that he's about to divorce her, though he hasn't divorced her. My sister tells him at times she wants to divorce.

After a while, they get back together and everything is all good. They have problems every few weeks. My sister told us that she wants to live on her own and is looking for an apartment.

Should I encourage her to divorce her husband because he's physically abused her a number of times in the past, even when she was pregnant. Or should I recommend reconciliation and a trial separation between them, keeping in mind that her husband acknowledges he wants to change and stop his physical abuse? Is it better to suggest divorce or reconciliation such as her husband seeking counselling and fixing his abusive behaviour? Which is a better option and why?

JazakumAllahu Khairan

 

[talibilm]

:salams:

Reconciliation is better than divorce.

Though almost many couples have misunderstandings but if they can reconcile than that s the way of life would be . Sweet & sour & Sweet again. Even brothers coming out of the same womb cant live without a fight than how can two different sexes coming out different familes , backgrounds are Expected to live without any tiff ?

Both of them must be advised to observe patience and both of them should be reminded about their respected duties & obligations from Hadith & the Noble Quran .

 

[talibilm]

dp

 

[talibilm]

Reconciliation is better than divorce. ( Known Devil is better than unknown Angel and such things could happen again so rectifying the house better than destroying the whole house )

Though almost many couples have misunderstandings but if they can reconcile than that s the way of life would be . Sweet & sour & Sweet again. Even brothers, Sisters coming out of the same womb cant live without a fight in the same house than how can two different sexes coming out different families , backgrounds are Expected to live without any tiff in a single room ?

Both of them must be advised to observe patience and both of them should be reminded about their respected duties & obligations to each other from Hadith & the Noble Quran .

 

[Arfa]

Walikumassalam,

Dear sister, as above brother stated Reconcilliation is always better than divorce. No matter how rough your sisters circumstances are and it's very hurting to women when men resort to abuse in any form. This is certainly not tolerable! Firmly tell through your elders father for your sisters husband to seek anger management classes or serious counselling. Abuse can severely damage a woman physically and psychologically. Your sister must start to feel un safe with her husband. Please take into consideration her sentiments regarding this. Islam teaches kindness and gentleness, refrains from anger. A husband should resort to ways where he inspires his wife not mistreat her in any way. May Allah show both of you right path and satisfaction in your lives. Aameen.

 

[BeTheChange]

Asalmaualykum,

You should ask your sister and brother-in-law to seek Islamic sharia counselling.

This would be the best way forward. InshaAllah.

 

[azc]

Assalamu alaykumMy sister has been married for approx 2 years and a few months. Her husband seems like a good practicing brother who frequently prays at the masjid and attends lessons and teaches Quran to little kids. But their marriage has been rocky and they've had many problems.They have a 1 year old son and my sister is pregnant with her second. My sister complained to my father that occasionally her husband would beat her. My father spoke to her husband and he's apologised for beating her. He also kissed my fathers hand and said he acknowledges that he's got a temper problem and when he loses it, he resorts to beating. He also said he's working on this issue.Most of the times though, he complains to my father about how my sister annoys him and doesn't listen to him. He's been very patient with her rude and annoying behaviour. When they have problems or argue, her husband tells my father that he's about to divorce her, though he hasn't divorced her. My sister tells him at times she wants to divorce.After a while, they get back together and everything is all good. They have problems every few weeks. My sister told us that she wants to live on her own and is looking for an apartment. Should I encourage her to divorce her husband because he's physically abused her a number of times in the past, even when she was pregnant. Or should I recommend reconciliation and a trial separation between them, keeping in mind that her husband acknowledges he wants to change and stop his physical abuse? Is it better to suggest divorce or reconciliation such as her husband seeking counselling and fixing his abusive behaviour? Which is a better option and why?JazakumAllahu Khairan

no, divorce is not the solution of their problems. All this is the part of the married life. Leave them alone. They will solve their problems themselves. Also Ask your sister to keep patience.

 

[fromelsewhere]

Salaams,

If I were the OP, I would play a supportive role. I would neither encourage my sister to divorce nor work things out because it is difficult to tell how much the sister has already endured and where she is at psychologically-speaking. Islamic sharia counseling might not be a bad idea, but the counselor must be skilled and know where to set the limits (that is, when to realize that things have gone too far and that the couple might not be able to work things out).

Personally, I am aware of many stories of men physically abusing their wives, and in many of these stories, the abuse doesn't end until the wife decides to leave the husband. Men who are physically abusive towards their wives unfortunately rarely change their behaviours even after making 101 promises. I am not saying that it's not possible, but many of these men have serious issues (a bit of a psychopathic personality), and the more physical abuse they do towards their wives, the more likely they are to repeat the abuse. So unless people in the family and in the community can break the cycle of abuse, it will continue.

 

[talibilm]

no, divorce is not the solution of their problems. All this is the part of the married life. Leave them alone. They will solve their problems themselves. Also Ask your sister to keep patience.

Yes , those cases which did not involve interfering of wali (or mediator) are better left alone which i saw closely from some couple who had a rough start but later they managed within themselves and are still happy after decades of life with many kids. The man who was a Pious person felt very much when he hit his wife because of her raising her voices more than the man since he felt shy of his neighbors knowing their quarreling. When this case came across involuntarily to her parents her parents agreed that their daughter indeed was short tempered and used to raise her voice in quarrels which made them abstain in interfering among them. But now there seems good understanding among the couple with the husband doing everything like a good father does for the security and better life of his family and the husband appreciates her & happy with her mainly of her trait not to complain to anyone or bringing a wali in between them which he detests as an outside interference within the affairs of the family. Similarly the wife appreciates her husband for keeping her just as a house wife and doing all the good that a good husband can do with his hard work and sacrifice his own interests such that many are interested in a such Man to be their son in law. But the quarrelling part still continues but not much than it was before.

 

[azc]

Married life needs patience, compatibility and mutual understanding between the spouses. Moreover, family of both sides shouldn'tjump upon interfering in their personal issues. Besides it both spouses should settle their disputes themselves instead of seeking the help of their family respectively.

 

[*charisma*]

Assalamu Alaikum

No offense, but I don't think you should be involved at all. Unless she's coming to you for advice and telling you all the private matters between her and her husband, it's not your business to advise her what to do. I don't mean to sound so blunt, but the reality of the matter is if she leaves her husband and she regrets it, she will blame you. If she stays with her husband and later regrets it, again you will be blamed. As long as she is seeking her father's advice and he knows of the situation, you don't really need to be involved. Her and her husband are both adults and they gotta grow up. This is a problem regarding their anger issues, and before thinking about divorce and separation, their anger problems have to be addressed more seriously because they now have kids and whether they are together or separate the root of their issues will remain. Also we don't know what the anger stems from. Is she repeating something which disrespects him and makes him lose control of his anger? Is he doing something suspicious which he denies and gets angry over when confronted? Like there's more to this than just simply saying "leave each other and live happily ever after." If you want to advise her, then it should be about their anger issues and how to be patient with each other etc. and nothing beyond that.