Should I give my friend a Ramadhan gift when she rejected it last year?

[anonymous]

Last year I put a lot of effort, time & money into making Ramadhan gifts for all my close friends & family. It was homemade, something you can eat & I bought special packaging for it, personalised them, decorated them & hand delivered each one all day.

Before turning up to gift each person I asked if I can come over to give something, everyone said yes & gave a time they’re home & were really happy with what they received & thanked me. It is the norm for us all to do this for each other so it wasn’t just that only I did something for the first time, it’s just the culture of Ramadhan of course.

One friend however really abruptly said she doesn’t want it, without even knowing what it is. She assumed it was food though & sent a message saying they “have enough food”.

I admit I was taken aback by this response & found it hurtful, we all have enough food in Ramadhan as we all so blessed, but people like to gift others to gain sawaab in this holy month of a fasting person eating your food, you accept the gift to allow them to gain that sawaab, it increases the love between each other & is encouraged in Islam.

And my gift was something sweet so they can keep it for awhile & share it between family, not something that has to be eaten straight away like savoury food. I had also accounted for each package & person carefully with my planning including hers so to have it rejected was really hurtful & I’d never experienced anyone saying no before.

There’s lots of times people gift you something you can’t/don’t want to eat, you still graciously accept & then you can always give it to another family member/neighbour who would like it better. And in this case she didn’t even know what it was yet, she didn’t even know it would be food.

She also said it in a group in front of others so it was embarrassing for me too, & another girl told me that they found it a bit scary & won’t be offering to give her their food they had planned for another day either as they don’t want to be treated like that.

Later people were excitedly posting their received gifts on social media & our message groups & saying how much they loved it. She saw what it is for the first time & she stayed silent.

This year I’m planning to do it again for everyone so I’m wondering what to do. I could just not do it for her but it feels wrong not to & she’ll see everyone else receive it & post about it again & might wonder why she didn’t get one if she’s forgotten what she did last year.

But I also feel like I don’t want to put myself through the humiliation of asking her again if I can gift her only to be rejected again. And possibly also have her get annoyed for me trying again & putting her in a position where she has to say no again. She already seemed annoyed last year.

I guess it might be relevant that she doesn’t gift anything for Ramadhan/Eid, which doesn’t matter to me at all, I give mine for my own intentions & hope of sawaab, I don’t expect anything in return. But just pointing out it might be relevant to her reaction.

What should I do?

 

[Imraan]

Last year I put a lot of effort, time & money into making Ramadhan gifts for all my close friends & family. It was homemade, something you can eat & I bought special packaging for it, personalised them, decorated them & hand delivered each one all day.

Before turning up to gift each person I asked if I can come over to give something, everyone said yes & gave a time they’re home & were really happy with what they received & thanked me. It is the norm for us all to do this for each other so it wasn’t just that only I did something for the first time, it’s just the culture of Ramadhan of course.

One friend however really abruptly said she doesn’t want it, without even knowing what it is. She assumed it was food though & sent a message saying they “have enough food”.

I admit I was taken aback by this response & found it hurtful, we all have enough food in Ramadhan as we all so blessed, but people like to gift others to gain sawaab in this holy month of a fasting person eating your food, you accept the gift to allow them to gain that sawaab, it increases the love between each other & is encouraged in Islam.

And my gift was something sweet so they can keep it for awhile & share it between family, not something that has to be eaten straight away like savoury food. I had also accounted for each package & person carefully with my planning including hers so to have it rejected was really hurtful & I’d never experienced anyone saying no before.

There’s lots of times people gift you something you can’t/don’t want to eat, you still graciously accept & then you can always give it to another family member/neighbour who would like it better. And in this case she didn’t even know what it was yet, she didn’t even know it would be food.

She also said it in a group in front of others so it was embarrassing for me too, & another girl told me that they found it a bit scary & won’t be offering to give her their food they had planned for another day either as they don’t want to be treated like that.

Later people were excitedly posting their received gifts on social media & our message groups & saying how much they loved it. She saw what it is for the first time & she stayed silent.

This year I’m planning to do it again for everyone so I’m wondering what to do. I could just not do it for her but it feels wrong not to & she’ll see everyone else receive it & post about it again & might wonder why she didn’t get one if she’s forgotten what she did last year.

But I also feel like I don’t want to put myself through the humiliation of asking her again if I can gift her only to be rejected again. And possibly also have her get annoyed for me trying again & putting her in a position where she has to say no again. She already seemed annoyed last year.

I guess it might be relevant that she doesn’t gift anything for Ramadhan/Eid, which doesn’t matter to me at all, I give mine for my own intentions & hope of sawaab, I don’t expect anything in return. But just pointing out it might be relevant to her reaction.

What should I do?

Maash Allah sister, may Allah swt reward you for your efforts, It always makes me happy when me and my family members go out of our way to give out food to friends, neighbours and relatives, we've never been in your situation before where a potential recipient has told us they don't want it. I would have thought that our friends, neighbours and relatives would have some ettiquette if it ever was the case.

keep doing what you are doing, so much reward and blessing in making effort for others. Its a act which spreads positivity and inspires others to do good to others.

your friend is not allergic to anything / any ingredient is she? reckon she had a allergic reaction to something and it totally put her off? i digress... maybe?

in your case, just private message your particular friend saying, you are doing your usual thing in ramadan making sweets etc and that you've counted her in as part of your batch production and just wanted to double check that she should be included in the distribution list before you start it, (also ask her about allergies too?)
sorry some of it's in 'formal speak', i'm sure you'll word it better.

you've known your friend for some time, this kind of behaviour is not consistent? surely......, otherwise she wouldnt be on your top 100 friend list lol... right?

maybe your friend was goin through a bad time at the time, we've all been there and some people (not all) react differently or forget how to behave / act, treat others properly.. when enduring difficult times.

hope this helps

please remember me and my family in your duas, jazak Allah Khair.

 

[anonymous]

Maash Allah sister, may Allah swt reward you for your efforts, It always makes me happy when me and my family members go out of our way to give out food to friends, neighbours and relatives, we've never been in your situation before where a potential recipient has told us they don't want it. I would have thought that our friends, neighbours and relatives would have some ettiquette if it ever was the case.

keep doing what you are doing, so much reward and blessing in making effort for others. Its a act which spreads positivity and inspires others to do good to others.

your friend is not allergic to anything / any ingredient is she? reckon she had a allergic reaction to something and it totally put her off? i digress... maybe?

in your case, just private message your particular friend saying, you are doing your usual thing in ramadan making sweets etc and that you've counted her in as part of your batch production and just wanted to double check that she should be included in the distribution list before you start it, (also ask her about allergies too?)
sorry some of it's in 'formal speak', i'm sure you'll word it better.

you've known your friend for some time, this kind of behaviour is not consistent? surely......, otherwise she wouldnt be on your top 100 friend list lol... right?

maybe your friend was goin through a bad time at the time, we've all been there and some people (not all) react differently or forget how to behave / act, treat others properly.. when enduring difficult times.

hope this helps

please remember me and my family in your duas, jazak Allah Khair.

JazakaAllah for your kind words & advice.

She doesn’t have any allergies as I’ve known her for many years & eat with her. And no she wasn’t having a bad day as we were talking normally till then & if she’s having a bad day she doesn’t talk or let’s us know about it. And I know that she was happily doing iftari with family as normal that day as she’d talked about it too.

I think it really was exactly what she said, she had “enough food” so didn’t want more in the house. Which happens to all of us & you end up juggling a lot of food, but I would never dream of saying no to someone, & especially when you don’t even know what you’ll be getting.

I will say though that yes she does have form on being quite a harsh & “brutally honest” person which can sometimes be really surprising & difficult to be around. However she’s never rejected something I or anyone else has tried to gift before, & that too in Ramadhan & when she’s already assumed correctly that it’s a food item I’ve specially made. So this one really shocked me & left me feeling dejected.

Previously she acted happy with gifts I gave her but I also wonder if she wanted to say no then too but only now decided to up her “honesty” & become more bold with saying what she doesn’t want.

I think your advice of asking her privately if I should include her is probably the best option, but I can’t deny that it makes me nervous -
A. Because she might reject it again
and B. Because she might get annoyed i’m indirectly alluding to what she did last year.

She has a habit of completely forgetting things she did or said as well so you never know what you’re going to get.

 

[Imraan]

JazakaAllah for your kind words & advice.

She doesn’t have any allergies as I’ve known her for many years & eat with her. And no she wasn’t having a bad day as we were talking normally till then & if she’s having a bad day she doesn’t talk or let’s us know about it. And I know that she was happily doing iftari with family as normal that day as she’d talked about it too.

I think it really was exactly what she said, she had “enough food” so didn’t want more in the house. Which happens to all of us & you end up juggling a lot of food, but I would never dream of saying no to someone, & especially when you don’t even know what you’ll be getting.

I will say though that yes she does have form on being quite a harsh & “brutally honest” person which can sometimes be really surprising & difficult to be around. However she’s never rejected something I or anyone else has tried to gift before, & that too in Ramadhan & when she’s already assumed correctly that it’s a food item I’ve specially made. So this one really shocked me & left me feeling dejected.

Previously she acted happy with gifts I gave her but I also wonder if she wanted to say no then too but only now decided to up her “honesty” & become more bold with saying what she doesn’t want.

I think your advice of asking her privately if I should include her is probably the best option, but I can’t deny that it makes me nervous -
A. Because she might reject it again
and B. Because she might get annoyed i’m indirectly alluding to what she did last year.

She has a habit of completely forgetting things she did or said as well so you never know what you’re going to get.

Yeah just ask her, you keep doing your bit, you know you can't please everyone, it is impossible.do your bit and leave the ball in her court.
at the end of the day you can only do so much, you too have a life and responsibilities

i myself from time to time havce to avoid being embroiled and engrossed into these little things, why... because these things can hold you back and stop you achieving what you want to achieve. you just have to learn to move on from these setbacks... somehow...

 

[A.R.BRahimbaksh]

Assalam walikum warahmatullah e wa barakhatuhu,

It is nice to give gift to friends , neighbors or family members.Ask her metaphorically like say it to any other friend about your plan but when she is there .it must be Infront of her and check her reaction if you see something that may be she is feeling incomfortable or reaction can show you . May be you experience that she is feeling bad to talk about it or getting angry.then, you can decide.but I recommend you can give them to those who are needy outside of the family or someone you know who need it . You gave because you like it or feel pleasure or happy but if someone take it in a wrong way you should know ne humiliated.so if you can effort give them to the who really need it and believe me it will give more happiness.you will feel fresh.
Of I said something wrong or my words hurt you so please forgive me.
Jazak Allahu khairen

 

[anonymous]

Assalam walikum warahmatullah e wa barakhatuhu,

It is nice to give gift to friends , neighbors or family members.Ask her metaphorically like say it to any other friend about your plan but when she is there .it must be Infront of her and check her reaction if you see something that may be she is feeling incomfortable or reaction can show you . May be you experience that she is feeling bad to talk about it or getting angry.then, you can decide.but I recommend you can give them to those who are needy outside of the family or someone you know who need it . You gave because you like it or feel pleasure or happy but if someone take it in a wrong way you should know ne humiliated.so if you can effort give them to the who really need it and believe me it will give more happiness.you will feel fresh.
Of I said something wrong or my words hurt you so please forgive me.
Jazak Allahu khairen

I won’t be seeing her either alone or with others this Ramadhan so won’t be able to do that unfortunately. And I’m not too sure it would have worked if I had as it might come across weird & making a big deal out of giving gifts & boasting by talking about it in front of others just to gauge her reaction. People might wonder why I’m randomly mentioning it.

I don’t know anyone needy personally, everyone is very blessed around us alhumdullilah, but we of course all donate to charity in Ramadhan. This is something personal & special I like to do for my friends & family in Ramadhan on top sharing regular food throughout the month which we all do for each other.

I’ve decided I’m just going to give it to her. Last time she only had the chance to say no because I asked when she’ll be home so I could go when she was there & also get to see her, but she lives with her family so I can just deliver it any time to whoever’s there. If she doesn’t like it & then says something then I’ll take it on board for next time, but otherwise I’ve done my bit & wether she has it or gives it to someone else it’s all fine.

- - - Updated - - -

Assalam walikum warahmatullah e wa barakhatuhu,

It is nice to give gift to friends , neighbors or family members.Ask her metaphorically like say it to any other friend about your plan but when she is there .it must be Infront of her and check her reaction if you see something that may be she is feeling incomfortable or reaction can show you . May be you experience that she is feeling bad to talk about it or getting angry.then, you can decide.but I recommend you can give them to those who are needy outside of the family or someone you know who need it . You gave because you like it or feel pleasure or happy but if someone take it in a wrong way you should know ne humiliated.so if you can effort give them to the who really need it and believe me it will give more happiness.you will feel fresh.
Of I said something wrong or my words hurt you so please forgive me.
Jazak Allahu khairen

I won’t be seeing her either alone or with others this Ramadhan so won’t be able to do that unfortunately. And I’m not too sure it would have worked if I had as it might come across weird & making a big deal out of giving gifts & boasting by talking about it in front of others just to gauge her reaction. People might wonder why I’m randomly mentioning it.

I don’t know anyone needy personally, everyone is very blessed around us alhumdullilah, but we of course all donate to charity in Ramadhan. This is something personal & special I like to do for my friends & family in Ramadhan on top sharing regular food throughout the month which we all do for each other.

I’ve decided I’m just going to give it to her. Last time she only had the chance to say no because I asked when she’ll be home so I could go when she was there & also get to see her, but she lives with her family so I can just deliver it any time to whoever’s there. If she doesn’t like it & then says something then I’ll take it on board for next time, but otherwise I’ve done my bit & wether she has it or gives it to someone else it’s all fine.