Should I say "yes"?

[anonymous]

Salam bros and sis

Before starting off I'd like to point out that AlhamdulillAh I do understand Islam and follow my religion as best as I can.

I won't write a long novel of what is bothering me, I will try to sum it up..

About a year ago I met a man and Mash'Allah he seemed very good/caring/funny/knows about his deen... and so on. I told my family who already knew his family and it all seemed to work out.

Now, alot of people (people who are close to me and complete strangers) told me that he is a liar, a bad person, did this does that...etc.etc. I never judge anyone and never label anyone no matter what others say (some of these people might simply be vindictive, others might truly care, others might be jealous,it's simply impossible for me to know who is who.) and, to be quite frank, I never saw in him what others saw. My mother and brother do truly like him though.

We got engaged but...problems surfaced( I will not mention the "big ones" for they are quite personal). A lot of them. Petty problems such as jealousy, lack of trust(caused by everyone interfering,),and so on were also present. I wear hijab yet still get a good amount of "attention" from men(I do not flirt or wear tight clothes or do anything of the such to get attention like that) and he gets alot of attention from other women. This has been a real issue for us, he is afraid I will meet someone else, and I do not trust him.

We decided to call it off (after a long, painful time) and continue talking as "friends".

I had moved on and thought he had too..until a month ago where he declared that he was "madly in love" with me. I don't believe in love before marriage,heck, I don't even believe in love in the first few years. Real love takes time. But for some reason he truly does love me and swears he never lied to me, and cannot imagine being with another. He wants us to get married as soon as possible...

I told him I need time to think things through, but I don't know how I can trust this man, and if we even have a future together, because we live different lives and maybe, in the future, he might not want what I want( I am a very ambitious person). I confronted him about these issues and all he does is agree to everything, it's like he's not even thinking!

He is not exactly what I want in a man(he is "soft" and I would like my future husband ot be confident,strong and very ambitious).

But these preferences are superficial compared to a man's strong Iman and knowledge of deen.Im scared of letting him go and leaving behind a good man who truly loves me(that is if he is not lying) and never find someone else like that.

I am sick and tierd of men(even muslim men!!!) starring/flirting and what not when they clearly see a hijab on my head and proper clothes. I sometimes feel hopeless that I will never find a good, religious man who has the things I look for and respect in another human being. Even muslims who have great knowledge in their deen are not very practicing (Allahu 3alam why!)...which frustrates me tremendously!

should I just say yes to this man and settle for some positive traits even if I am not convinced that I truly do want to spend the rest of my life with him?

thank you in advance.

 

[Khalil_Allah]

"He is not exactly what I want in a man(he is "soft" and I would like my future husband ot be confident,strong and very ambitious)."

This is what you need to be thinking about. He may love you like crazy and he may have respectable characteristics about his deen, but are you really going to be happy with a man who you think is "soft?"

Don't say yes if you are just "settling." This is life, and you don't just settle for things that will determine the rest of your life. You use your best judgment and do the best that you can with what Allah has provided for you.

 

[anonymous]

Now, alot of people (people who are close to me and complete strangers) told me that he is a liar, a bad person, did this does that...etc.etc. I never judge anyone and never label anyone no matter what others say (some of these people might simply be vindictive, others might truly care, others might be jealous,it's simply impossible for me to know who is who.) and, to be quite frank, I never saw in him what others saw. My mother and brother do truly like him though.

What do you mean?

We got engaged but...problems surfaced( I will not mention the "big ones" for they are quite personal). A lot of them. Petty problems such as jealousy, lack of trust(caused by everyone interfering,),and so on were also present. I wear hijab yet still get a good amount of "attention" from men(I do not flirt or wear tight clothes or do anything of the such to get attention like that) and he gets alot of attention from other women. This has been a real issue for us, he is afraid I will meet someone else, and I do not trust him.

You are posting as anonymous poster so what are those big ones?

You don't want to trust him just because he gets alot of attention from other women? Not a very good reason to not trust him.

Did he tell you that he is afraid you may not meet someone else?

I told him I need time to think things through, but I don't know how I can trust this man, and if we even have a future together, because we live different lives and maybe, in the future, he might not want what I want( I am a very ambitious person). I confronted him about these issues and all he does is agree to everything, it's like he's not even thinking!

If he agrees with you on everything then there's no real reason to not trust him.

Why do you think that he might not want what you want?

He is not exactly what I want in a man(he is "soft" and I would like my future husband ot be confident,strong and very ambitious).

Then drop this man. Tomorrow you may not think that your husband isn't confident, strong and ambitious.

But these preferences are superficial compared to a man's strong Iman and knowledge of deen.Im scared of letting him go and leaving behind a good man who truly loves me(that is if he is not lying) and never find someone else like that.

Don't drop him then.

Why should he be lying?

should I just say yes to this man and settle for some positive traits even if I am not convinced that I truly do want to spend the rest of my life with him?

Think about it from all the four corners before saying yes.

 

[Snowflake]

I recall hearing a hadith where Muhammad sallalahu alayhi wassalam said if your heart isn't in something then leave it. It seems yours isn't but you are hesitant/unsure.

The best course of action would be to do istikhara (consultation with Allah swt). InshaAllah if marriage to this chap isn't good for you, rest assured that Allah swt will guide you away from it.

asslamu alaykum

 

[~*Fatima*~]

Aslamu Alikum Sis~! Best way to confirm your answer is istikhara (Consultation with Allah).

 

[~Taalibah~]

I agree, Istikharaa is the best way.