SISTERS: Do you have any problem living with in-laws after marriage?

'Abd Al-Maajid said:


the question was for sisters...:p obviously you would not have any problem cuz would would not live with your in-laws anyhow :p
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Salaam,

Male members started posting. So I thought I might as well post. :p:

I have a big family and some of our relatives had to live with us for a long time. As long as you have your own private space, then its fine.
 
I'm not asian so this practise is not as common as its in ur culture.

Tbh I dont understand this practise cause its just culture it doesnt have any basis in Islam, therefore I'm kind of against it. I heard some very sad stories, wife serving inlaws, getting tortured n god knows wat. I also heard that the muslims of the south-asian continent took this practise from the hindus as its widely common in their religion.

I am against favouring the husbands family over the wifes family. Which blatantly seems to be the case in this culture.

So my answer is yess!
 
i would not mind it but the house would have to be fairly big because you need privacy between married couple also
 
I would agree to live close to his parents so that we can help take care of them. I would even agree to live next door or in the same building. However, I wouldn't agree to live in the same household. Everyone needs their space and its best to live in a separate house/apartment to prevent issues. Let's face it. People are human. In-laws don't always get along great. People need their privacy. Everyone should live separately. By separately, I mean the wife should have her own kitchen, bathroom, bedroom, living room, etc. That would include a separate door for entering the house. Just my two cents.
 
:wa:

Living with in-laws isn't for me. I've heard many bad stories and thinking about it I see many problems. One would be would his mom interfere with our lives and what kind of an effect would she have on our relationship?

A man should take care of his responsibilities towards his wife and parents, but taking care of your parents doesn't mean you should live with them in the same house after marriage. Maybe I'm saying this because I've grown up here in the West and I'm used to the culture of moving out after marriage and living separately, with your wife&children without parents. However, I would also take things into consideration, would my husband be the only son in his family, are both of his parents alive or is one of them alone, will his other bros/sisters live with us (the sister could be okay, but his brother.......), is there any other need?
 
Yanoorah said:
I'm not asian so this practise is not as common as its in ur culture.

Tbh I dont understand this practise cause its just culture it doesnt have any basis in Islam, therefore I'm kind of against it. I heard some very sad stories, wife serving inlaws, getting tortured n god knows wat. I also heard that the muslims of the south-asian continent took this practise from the hindus as its widely common in their religion.

I am against favouring the husbands family over the wifes family. Which blatantly seems to be the case in this culture.

So my answer is yess!
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So isnt Arabic language, language of Quran, a part of Arabic culture? So as non-Arabs, are we being forced to adopt some parts of "Arabic culture?" Of course not but one would think that if your argument was true.

I do not think Islam is against any cultural practices as long as they dont contradict basic Islamic principles, as itself emerged among the Arabs for whole humanity which includes non-Arabs and their non-Arabic cultures. Prophet Muhammad pbuh was an Arab, spoke Arabic, dressed like Arabs, ate like Arabs, but certainly he did go against some prevalent cultural practices among Arabs which were not Islamic such as hiding satrah, performing umrah with clothes on and not naked etc
 
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mad_scientist said:
Just out of curiosity, would you also value your husband's private nature if he did not want to share much stuff with you?
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In that post I didnt mean not sharing things with your spouse bc thats different you should be able to share anything with them.
I meant that I would want the relationship to be private and not have anyone unnecessarily poking their noses into it.

But if I married someone who didnt feel like sharing stuff with me I honestly wouldnt like it but I would respect it bc I have a high sense of privacy as well.
 
Problem with living with in laws is whether there will be other males in the house which would then make the wife have to cover up most of the time. Not much quality time will be between the couple if they live with in laws, and spending quality time together is very important for married couples, it'll be easier if it was just the two of them. In most cases the wife would end up doing most of the work in the house. Some cases the wife's privacy is breeched when living with in laws. However that doesn't mean the son should neglect the parents and his family once his married, he should visit often buy his parents gifts etc...
 
mad_scientist said:
So isnt Arabic language, language of Quran, a part of Arabic culture? So as non-Arabs, are we being forced to adopt some parts of "Arabic culture?" Of course not but one would think that if your argument was true.

I do not think Islam is against any cultural practices as long as they dont contradict basic Islamic principles, as itself emerged among the Arabs for whole humanity which includes non-Arabs and their non-Arabic cultures. Prophet Muhammad pbuh was an Arab, spoke Arabic, dressed like Arabs, ate like Arabs.
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Ofcourse theres nothing wrong wit cultures as long they dont clash with our deen. But the reality is that sometimes it does! Thats wen u gotta tell ur culture to take the back seat.

In alot of South-Asian cultures its encouraged for the wife to live wit the inlaws n if she refuses its looked down upon, shunned etc. Where in Islam does it say that a girl must serve her inlaws? No where.

To each their own! The truth is that alot of women are mistreated in these situations. Their cultures will not come to their resque (when they're subject to abuse, but its Islam that does. Thats why in islam theres no such requirement to live with inlaws in the first place.=)
 
ok question no.2 baring in mind that Aisha radhiallahu anha lived in a tiny room with barely enough space to sleep in at masjid an-nabawi where everyone always went to pray,


i ask this, if you decided you cant bare to live with the parents and maintain your hayaa with your in-laws (although your inlaws cant leave the house due to financial complications as much as they'd like to and your inlaws understand and obey islam and respect your hayaa' and have hayaa' themselves), if you decided to leave them and this caused them distress although they would show VERY littel distress to you, would that bother you?
What would you do in this situation? I personally think both sides parents blessings are extremely important to remaining on as-siratul mustaqeem
 
these questions are completely and totally for my own understanding.


i appreciate your honesty.


there is absolutely no judgement intended here, to each their own and may ALlah guide us all to live according to his pleasure.


Ameen
 
IbnAbdulHakim said:
ok question no.2 baring in mind that Aisha radhiallahu anha lived in a tiny room with barely enough space to sleep in at masjid an-nabawi where everyone always went to pray,
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I think that's a very wrong way to look at it and a very incorrect comparison to make. First of all, any sister that's getting married today is not marrying the Prophet (saw) and thats enough reason why that comparison doesn't work. We have to come up with solutions that befit our contemporary circumstances and we can't import cultural norms of a certain time and use that today. Yes, our mother (may Allaah be pleased with her) did live a certain way but you need to account for circumstances, context, culture and times before saying sisters that live today in a very different reality should bear that in mind and make the cultural (not religious) norms of that time, their beacon. There is an principle in Usool that states that custom is the base of judgment and that importance is given to the maqasid and purpose of the texts, not always the actual text itself, generally speaking. Most people forget this and try to import a reality from 1400 years ago that is not contemporary while they can just as easily stay within Islamic guidelines and live according to the culture of the present time.

i ask this, if you decided you cant bare to live with the parents and maintain your hayaa with your in-laws (although your inlaws cant leave the house due to financial complications as much as they'd like to and your inlaws understand and obey islam and respect your hayaa' and have hayaa' themselves), if you decided to leave them and this caused them distress although they would show VERY littel distress to you, would that bother you?
What would you do in this situation? I personally think both sides parents blessings are extremely important to remaining on as-siratul mustaqeem
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It's her right to not want to live with them and have her own place and there is no blame on her if she chooses to want her own place and it is the obligation of the husband to provide her that. Nor is she obligated to take care of her husbands parents. If she does, thats goodness on her part of her own will. Both blessings are needed and important just like you say they are, but we need to be careful that in seeking them we don't violate the rights of another human being (i.e. the wife).

Unfortunately, Ive seen too many cases where the brothers try to religiously guilt trip the sister into bending to cultural norms and effectively becoming the housemaid with benefits. And I think that's very wrong.
 
^ you call it a religious guilt trip, i call it encouragement to do what brings the reward of ALlah.


I will always use such examples, always bro. I will always look towards the best and use them as a guideline.

Every man should aim to be as good as the prophet sallallahi alaihi wasallaam anyway and every woman as pure as aisha RA.

I dont want to spend my money on something as worthless as a house in this dunya, and renting is sickeningly expensive unless we buy an extremely small place in a remote area....
 
IbnAbdulHakim said:
^ you call it a religious guilt trip, i call it encouragement to do what brings the reward of ALlah.


I will always use such examples, always bro. I will always look towards the best and use them as a guideline.

Every man should aim to be as good as the prophet sallallahi alaihi wasallaam anyway and every woman as pure as aisha RA.
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You can't call something an 'encouragement towards the reward of Allaah' when you're encouraging someone towards something that's not mandated by the religion. Especially, when you're encouraging someone to do something they have no obligation to do at all. That's a religious guilt trip, regardless of what you call it, because you're using the religion to make someone do something the religion itself doesn't ask them to do.

I'm not saying don't use those examples, use them, but use them in the proper context while keeping reality in mind, not idealism.

I dont want to spend my money on something as worthless as a house in this dunya, and renting is sickeningly expensive unless we buy an extremely small place in a remote area....
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And isnt this the source of the problem? That you are not willing to spend your money on your wife? So because you can't do that, she has to agree to something she is not obligated whatsoever to agree to, under the pretense of religion and 'the reward of Allah'? There's something really wrong with this picture bro. I don't know your situation so I won't comment further, but I would think twice about getting married if I can't provide my wife her rights lest my conditions on her become tantamount to dhulm. I hope otherwise that you inshaAllaah can find someone who willingly wants to make that sacrifice for you and live with your family.

Another point to mention is that buying a house is not something worthless. Zuhd isn't staying away from the dunya materially, it's being unconcerned with it in the sense that you personally aren't effected by it, but you can't force that zuhd on others by taking away from their rights. Buying a house is something praiseworthy when its being done for the right reasons. Six out of the ten promised paradise were wealthy Companions. The house you mentioned earlier that our mother (may Allaah be pleased with her) lived in? The Prophet (saw) owned it and I'm sure he spent money on buying it so as to provide his wives a good place to stay.
 
:sl:
This type of practice only makes the husband happy in my opinion.

If we are going to follow the best in that kind of manner then I would suggest giving up the very computer you type and the car you may use.
I agree it is guilt trip and i am so happy that i am not brought up in a culture where the in laws are more important the wife.
And the wife does not have to live with the in laws to gain rewards. Simple and regular visit should be enough.
The only reason I can see why the wife must live with in-laws is if they are fragile and in need of assistance. I don’t have a problem with women who choose it. I do have a problem with those who look down upon women who do not want to live with in-laws.
:wa:
 
^ lol subhanAllah.


may Allah save us all from the fate of Alqamah, Ameeh radhiallahu anhu
 
:sl:

How interesting. I never knew this topic was so controversial. I like controversies... :p:

I personally believe that as long as a married women does not mind living with her in-laws, then I see no problem. I've seen marriages like this work and sometimes it does not work. I do not believe this practice is against Islam. We all have different problems and we all address them differently, depending upon our cultural background. As long as our approach to deal with these issues is acceptable within Islamic law, then I see no problem. We need to respect these differences and avoid frowning upon them. At the same time, however, we should point out the problems that might occur within certain cultural practices and those facing criticism should avoid being too defensive.

:hiding:
 

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