SISTERS: Do you have any problem living with in-laws after marriage?

Muraad said:
It's her right to not want to live with them and have her own place and there is no blame on her if she chooses to want her own place and it is the obligation of the husband to provide her that. Nor is she obligated to take care of her husbands parents. If she does, thats goodness on her part of her own will. Both blessings are needed and important just like you say they are, but we need to be careful that in seeking them we don't violate the rights of another human being (i.e. the wife).
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I agree with you that it is not the obligation of the wife to look after her husbands parents, and she has a right to want her own seperate place. However, the husband will still always have an obligation to care for his parents, whether the wife does or not, as the Prophet SAW stated

May his nose be rubbed in dust, may his nose be rubbed in dust, may his nose be rubbed in dust. So he was asked 'Who, Oh Messenger of Allaah?' He said: 'Who attains parents with him who are old, whether one of them or both of them, then does not enter the Paradise' (By taking care of them)

Many a times the husband is not in a position to leave his parents as they have attained old age and need care. If the wife still insists to live seperately and states its her right, what would you advise the brother in this case?
 
IbnAbdulHakim said:
I dont want to spend my money on something as worthless as a house in this dunya, and renting is sickeningly expensive unless we buy an extremely small place in a remote area....
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With all due respect, why would you not want to spend money on your wife? What would you rather spend it on? Nobody is saying buy a mansion, but a house is something you need.
 
IbnAbdulHakim said:
^ lol subhanAllah.


may Allah save us all from the fate of Alqamah, Ameeh radhiallahu anhu
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member X said:
I agree with you that it is not the obligation of the wife to look after her husbands parents, and she has a right to want her own seperate place. However, the husband will still always have an obligation to care for his parents, whether the wife does or not, as the Prophet SAW stated

May his nose be rubbed in dust, may his nose be rubbed in dust, may his nose be rubbed in dust. So he was asked 'Who, Oh Messenger of Allaah?' He said: 'Who attains parents with him who are old, whether one of them or both of them, then does not enter the Paradise' (By taking care of them)

Many a times the husband is not in a position to leave his parents as they have attained old age and need care. If the wife still insists to live seperately and states its her right, what would you advise the brother in this case?
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It seems that both of you are understanding that I'm saying to prefer the wife over the parents. No, what I'm saying is give both their due rights and do not oppress one's right for the sake of the other. That is injustice.

As it comes in the authentic hadeeth, 'Grant every person his due right.'

We need to have a holistic understanding of the religion, not take one hadeeth and in trying to follow that to the best of our ability, neglect other ahadeeth and the general maqasid behind them. That's a simplistic understanding of the religion that lacks dynamic and pragmatism.

Member X, that's a situation (which in addition to having a lot of variables) is where he needs to figure out whether this woman is someone that falls in line with his circumstance and make a decision whether to marry her or not. They should talk about it before the marriage contract is done. If he's wealthy enough, an option he has is that he can buy a house which has two floors and keep his wife with him in one part of the house separately and his parents in the same building in another part. The best option is that he should speak to a scholar that is knowledgeable in the Fiqh of Priorities (al-awlawiyyat) from his locality and get a suggestion from him that best suits his circumstance.
 
Ghazalah said:
With all due respect, why would you not want to spend money on your wife? What would you rather spend it on? Nobody is saying buy a mansion, but a house is something you need.
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:sl:

Yes, because buying a house is very cheap. :p: (JK)
 
Assalamu Alaikum

Personally, one of the reasons I would get married is because I would feel ready to leave my family. I don't see the point in getting another set of parents when I could just remain unmarried and take care of my own. That's not to say that I wouldn't treat my in-laws with utmost respect, but at the end of the day living with your in-laws, I feel, takes away from feeling like you're in a marriage with one person to a marriage with an entire family. Another reason I wouldn't like it is because I'm an introverted person who likes to have my own space. Living with the in-laws would make me feel like it's an obligation to help out with everything and yet not have an input on the way things are to be done because I'm not living in my own place, which would really drive me crazy.

I don't think I'd mind as much if they came to live with ME, ie in my own house, but for me to live with them would be really uncomfortable.

Anything could change though..:D but for now this is how I feel speaking from a hypothetical perspective.

fi aman Allah
w'salaam
 
^ but if you live with them it will be YOUR house.


all of us actually told our sis - in - law its more her house then ours...
 
It's not them really, it's me. The way I am would make me feel that it's still their house and I would treat them just like I'd treat my parents if not more, because I'd feel kind of like a guest even though they may not want me to think of it that way, and like I said I need my space. It would also make me feel guilty that they have more of my attention than my own parents who I consider worth more than anyone else...so really I just don't see the point of it. It's great if there are some sisters that can do it, but it doesn't sound appealing to me.
 
Muraad said:
It seems that both of you are understanding that I'm saying to prefer the wife over the parents. No, what I'm saying is give both their due rights and do not oppress one's right for the sake of the other. That is injustice.

As it comes in the authentic hadeeth, 'Grant every person his due right.'

Member X, that's a situation (which in addition to having a lot of variables) is where he needs to figure out whether this woman is someone that falls in line with his circumstance and make a decision whether to marry her or not. They should talk about it before the marriage contract is done. If he's wealthy enough, an option he has is that he can buy a house which has two floors and keep his wife with him in one part of the house separately and his parents in the same building in another part. The best option is that he should speak to a scholar that is knowledgeable in the Fiqh of Priorities (al-awlawiyyat) from his locality and get a suggestion from him that best suits his circumstance.
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[FONT=&quot]You are completely right that he should have discussed this with his wife before they got married, but sometimes they don’t, resulting in these problems occurring later on. Also not all brothers can afford a separate or bigger house, and the daughter in law has to share some of it with his parents. I asked you this scenario brother, because this is a dilemma which happens, and secondly I asked you because to say ‘give both their due rights and do not oppress one's right for the sake of the other ’ is one thing, but to practically implement it in various situations in life, is another thing. Sometimes, the husband can end up neglecting the rights of one party, especially when his feelings get involved i.e. some men have a tendency to feel and sympathise more with their wife, than with their parents, and vice versa. And some wives are not ready to tolerate the fact that the husband has some obligations towards his parents too, and that his parents have certain rights over him which he has to fulfil. They are only focused upon their right, their life, their space, their privacy, total freedom etc, any little bit of inconvenience, they will not tolerate it. They forget that one day they could be in the same situation as the parents. This is very common in the west especially. And in the east, especially in places like Pakistan and India, it is the total opposite. Infact, nevermind the parents not tolerating the fact that the wife has certain rights too, but even the sister in laws won’t tolerate it!, resulting in total wife neglect. And the husband, either he is totally under his mum or totally under his wife – listening to them even if they are wrong. Or he is totally following his desires and does as he pleases. All these situations happen, and they are all an imbalance resulting in oppression and the displeasure of Allaah.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
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Assalamu alaykum, Alhamdulillah i am married and well. i live with my in-laws and they are really practising muslim so my mother in law knows where her boundaries lies and so do i, but to please my husband and make him know that i am the best wife he will ever have :Evil:,i treat my mother in law not as mother in law but actually my mother. i show her gratitude,love and even bring her favourite snacks home to eat,and i don't mind living with her as she is like my own mother and treats me like her own daughter. so really it depends on the mother in law and that she is knowledgeable on that she has no rights over her daughter in law and how you treat her has a massive impact in my opinion. so either way can work but i prefer having alot of noise in the house instead of silence. so spread alot of love and smile alot too,and also avoid getting ill most of the time in my experience,its like a no-no :phew
 
^ wise brother right there mashAllaah


a good balance is always required


May Allah give us tawfeeq to spend our lives not depending on anyone but ourselves, I hate to have to depend on the next generation for my livelihood.
 
whitesoul said:
Assalamu alaykum, Alhamdulillah i am married and well. i live with my in-laws and they are really practising muslim so my mother in law knows where her boundaries lies and so do i, but to please my husband and make him know that i am the best wife he will ever have :Evil:,i treat my mother in law not as mother in law but actually my mother. i show her gratitude,love and even bring her favourite snacks home to eat,and i don't mind living with her as she is like my own mother and treats me like her own daughter. so really it depends on the mother in law and that she is knowledgeable on that she has no rights over her daughter in law and how you treat her has a massive impact in my opinion. so either way can work but i prefer having alot of noise in the house instead of silence. so spread alot of love and smile alot too,and also avoid getting ill most of the time in my experience,its like a no-no :phew
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You have mended a slightly wounded heart with that post.


May Allah give us understanding
 
whitesoul said:
Assalamu alaykum, Alhamdulillah i am married and well. i live with my in-laws and they are really practising muslim so my mother in law knows where her boundaries lies and so do i, but to please my husband and make him know that i am the best wife he will ever have :Evil:,i treat my mother in law not as mother in law but actually my mother. i show her gratitude,love and even bring her favourite snacks home to eat,and i don't mind living with her as she is like my own mother and treats me like her own daughter. so really it depends on the mother in law and that she is knowledgeable on that she has no rights over her daughter in law and how you treat her has a massive impact in my opinion. so either way can work but i prefer having alot of noise in the house instead of silence. so spread alot of love and smile alot too,and also avoid getting ill most of the time in my experience,its like a no-no :phew
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maa sha Allaah, this is the most beautiful and ideal situation imo. May Allaah give all the sisters and mothers the ability to be as caring and sharing.
 

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