somebody please remind me

[anonymous]

about being patient and not cutting blood ties with those realtives that hurt, deceive and are just plain bratty.
what is the virtue of upholding blood-ties even though these people hurt you.

 

[islamirama]

A man came to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and said: "O Messenger of Allaah, I have relatives with whom I try to keep in touch, but they cut me off; I treat them well, but they treat me badly; I try to be kind to them, but they are cruel to me." He said: "If you are as you say, it is as if you are putting hot ashes in their mouths. You will continue to have support from Allaah against them so long as you continue doing that." (Reported by Muslim, no. 2558)

Our advice to you, our sister, is to be tolerant and forgiving. Follow your mother's advice. It is clear from your question that this man has room to regret and retract his bad actions. Allaah tells us (interpetation of the meaning): " … whoever forgives and makes reconciliation, his reward is due from Allaah…" [al-Shoora 42:40]

However, all of this does not prevent us from protecting ourselves from the evil and harm that such relatives may cause. If going to their houses, for example, will cause some kind of offence or harm, then the relationship can be limited to telephone calls, kind words, the occasional gift and so on. The relationship can be maintained at a distance, if being too close will cause problems.

http://islamqa.com/en/ref/793

 

[anonymous]

what if it is someone using your mother against you. your mother cant see it and refuses to believe that this person (my sister) is like this becuase my sister is very very good at covering their tracks..she knows very well what my mum listens to and what annoys us. she will know that my mum stands by her for a certain thing and uses that inspite of us (its some power/ego trip for her). my sister is fully aware of what she is doing. as a result this person goes crying to mum and mum believes it no worries. this person is very persuasive and controlling. i dont mind appolgizing if i have doen wrong by her, but i havnt. i dont mind helping her and doing favors for her (this is where the problems start i think i like to keep my distance from her because she will just very demanding and if you refuse, she will act childish), but hte thing is, she doesnt know where to stop and basically you will become her puppet. so basically i fear for my identity, self and dignity.

what happens when you start to develop a resent towards your mother because she refuses to listen to you i feel i cant get away. i cant even stand up for myself against my sister out of fear that she will complain to my mum and my mum getting angry at me.

i cant describe how this is draining me and making me feel. it feels like i'm being controlled and i cant do nothing about it theres no way out: either stand up for your self and make matters worse or just accept the way this person is treating you and become their puppet. i have my dignity as well and my mum cant even acknowledge it i dont feel like its me...im going to be turned against my own self and no one will even realize and even worse that b*tch is just gna get way with it and use it in attempt to inflate her head.

in such a situation like this, can i disobey my mum? cos i really feel that my mental and emotional state is at stake here wallahi i cant handle this. not to mention that i feel i'll turn into some sort of bully...its that viscous circle that doesn't end and eventually i fear that i may take it out on some innocent soul in attempt to redeem myself


i dont know what to do

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

what if it is someone using your mother against you. your mother cant see it and refuses to believe that this person (my sister) is like this becuase my sister is very very good at covering their tracks..she knows very well what my mum listens to and what annoys us. she will know that my mum stands by her for a certain thing and uses that inspite of us (its some power/ego trip for her). my sister is fully aware of what she is doing. as a result this person goes crying to mum and mum believes it no worries. this person is very persuasive and controlling. i dont mind appolgizing if i have doen wrong by her, but i havnt. i dont mind helping her and doing favors for her (this is where the problems start i think i like to keep my distance from her because she will just very demanding and if you refuse, she will act childish), but hte thing is, she doesnt know where to stop and basically you will become her puppet. so basically i fear for my identity, self and dignity.

what happens when you start to develop a resent towards your mother because she refuses to listen to you i feel i cant get away. i cant even stand up for myself against my sister out of fear that she will complain to my mum and my mum getting angry at me.

i cant describe how this is draining me and making me feel. it feels like i'm being controlled and i cant do nothing about it theres no way out: either stand up for your self and make matters worse or just accept the way this person is treating you and become their puppet. i have my dignity as well and my mum cant even acknowledge it i dont feel like its me...im going to be turned against my own self and no one will even realize and even worse that b*tch is just gna get way with it and use it in attempt to inflate her head.

in such a situation like this, can i disobey my mum? cos i really feel that my mental and emotional state is at stake here wallahi i cant handle this. not to mention that i feel i'll turn into some sort of bully...its that viscous circle that doesn't end and eventually i fear that i may take it out on some innocent soul in attempt to redeem myself


i dont know what to do

Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, how are things now sister?

 

[anonymous]

barakallau feek for asking.
they are okish. there haven't been any situations where my sister goes and cries to my mum but she has developed this annoying habit of copying me (and my other sister) like my hobbies, the way i dress, etc. it feels like my individuality is being stolen from me i cant say anything because she is so overally sensitive and sometimes i feel guilty afterwards. but she copies me and yeah it just really hurts. she asks me for favors, but i feel it is only for her own good. its like eating an apple...taking the sweet bits and spitting the core when you dont need it anymore which makes me feel so utterly stupid and feel that my pride is sort of hurt for listening to her until she gets what she wants from me imsad.

i dont want her to be better than me at the things that im good at that. i dont mean that in an arrogant way, but sometimes you are known to your family to be good at something or known to be the *insert 'title' here* one, then someone else comes along and sort of challenges that and it feels like you are loosing, especially when you want to really accomplish something that you have been battling 2 years of "i suck, im an idiot" like feelings and demotivate and you are just getting back on your feet.

this is also turning me into a horrible person. she is cunning and im finding im beginning to develop the same habit in defense of myself. this is just making me feel like crap i feel hopeless. and i want to keep my distance from her, as she tends to get too demanding without realising it. sometimes i genuinley feel sorry for her cos i reckon maybe its her way to fit in but another part of me just wants her to rack off and leave me alone.

she also seems to do things becuse she knows that i want to do that or she knows that that is something i do. and she can get jealous which is really annoying. i dont like treating people like trash and try my utmost best not to, even when they wrong me...but i dont know whats happening to me this isnt me

i tried telling myself that no matter what, i just have to work on my patience, even if im in the right. if i work on my patience, then maybe just maybe the things she does to me wont be as painful...but this is proving to be also difficult.

 

[CosmicPathos]

^^ you will have to accept that someone else can be better than you in certain things. Such is our life. Even Prophet pbuh was not exempt from this rule. There were people who were better farmers than him. But does this mean you no inherent worth? No. We all humans have worth. If you want to be at the top, you will have to start foucssing on your yourself by neglecting what someone else is doing. Easier said than done but that is what I've learnt in this battlefield at uni while living among kaafir gunners.

 

[anonymous]

fair enough but thats the point i dont want it to turn me into some fierce person that thrives on competition, and eventually have to rely on others attention to feel good about myself. i dont want my competitive side to come out becuase this isnt the person that i am. i dont want this hardship to turn me into someone im not where when a few years down the track i look back and grieve over the considerate person that i was. even if i do 'win' this it wont end there. i will constantly want to seek the top and if anyone comes to challenge me, i get all vicious. i dont want my life to revolve around my ego.

its not that someone could be better then me, its just thier immaturity and how they are handling it that im against. i dont have such trouble with my little sister i dont mind her challenging me or copying me becuase i know she knows her limits and that she souldnt do anything in a malicious way.

 

[Woodrow]

The closest relative you can have is your own sibling. Because of this extreme closeness it often seems impossible to forgive a sibling, the hurt is one of the greatest we will ever face. At sometime in our lives nearly all of us feel a desire to sever ties with a sibling. Oddly, once this trial is passed and resolved, very few relationships will ever compare with the closeness and love of a sibling we once wanted to disown.

 

[Alpha Dude]

How old are you sister?

To be honest, this all sounds very juvenile. Both your sister's behaviour and your own reactions to them.

Forget lamenting over silly concepts like 'individuality'. That is all nonsense and it makes no sense for a muslim to worry about. What if all your friends started copying you, would you bring out the claws on them too? It's just an expression of vanity.

Just relax and don't worry about futile things. InshaAllah as you grow these feelings will depart from you and your sister will change her ways too.

Want for your sister what you desire for yourself. By that I mean you should desire that she is guided as you have. Don't hate her. Be patient with her current actions. Don't show a reaction to them.

i dont want her to be better than me at the things that im good at that. i dont mean that in an arrogant way, but sometimes you are known to your family to be good at something or known to be the *insert 'title' here* one, then someone else comes along and sort of challenges that and it feels like you are loosing, especially when you want to really accomplish something that you have been battling 2 years of "i suck, im an idiot" like feelings and demotivate and you are just getting back on your feet.

This makes it sound like you are the one that has an ego problem. Who cares if she can do something just as well as or better than you? Who cares what your family thinks?

Every good thing you can do is due to what Allah has blessed you with. So make dua and have conviction and Allah will give you success. No need to wallow in self pity and get demotivated for silly reasons. Have conviction in Allah and you will find success no matter how bad the situation seems.

 

[anonymous]

im just been racking my brains trying to figure out if that is genuine advice or just a plain mockery! if its the latter, then what gives? i expected a lot more sensitive reply from you akhee.

 

[Alpha Dude]

im just been racking my brains trying to figure out if that is genuine advice or just a plain mockery! if its the latter, then what gives? i expected a lot more sensitive reply from you akhee.

It was genuine sister. Definitely not mockery. Sorry, I just think you're worrying needlessly and creating problems for yourself when you don't really need to.

InshaAllah things become easier for you.

 

[Cabdullahi]

patience and perseverance is key

May Allah help better your situation and make things easy for you Ameen