Spending time with wife

[anonymous]

Asalamu Alaykum

Long story cut short. My husband thinks it is not my right for him to spend time with me. He says I have right to a house, food and clothing that's it. Yet it is his right to be intimate when he feels.

This as you know makes me feel used and unwanted.

I need evidence from Quran and Sunnah to show a man should spend time with his wife. I have needs to to want to be with my husband but he thinks his family and friends have that right and not me.

Please don't use your opinions just need evidence

 

[ardianto]

Wa'alaikumsalam

You may find ayaah or hadith that support you, but your husband may find ayaah or hadith that support him too. You may find another ayaah or hadith, but your husband may find too. Then you and your husband will involved in a situation which an aleem in my place call it as "ayaah war, hadith fighting".

My advice is talk with your husband from heart to heart. Do not easy to use Qur'an and hadith in this matter.

 

[anonymous]

My husband is verbally and emotionally abusive. I need Quran and Sunnah evidence please I wouldn't ask if it wasn't needed and if it wasn't the last straw please.

 

[crimsontide06]

I had a hard time understanding what you are saying. I assume you are saying your husband forces you to be intimate with him when you do not feel like it but when you do feel like it, he does not want to?


Personally, those kind of things should just....happen when the time is right, not just when you feel like it...you are not a piece of meat, you should be cared for,respected..etc. That's just me, my idea of romance is talking/bonding and having a nice dinner,maybe lay on the grass and watch the stars...anything after that is just extra and should be special not planned.

 

[ardianto]

In my place, if a wife in this situation, usually she goes to an ustadz (Islamic teacher) to seek help. Then the ustadz will talk to her husband. So, sister, if you want to use Qur'an and Hadith, let knowledgeable person do it, not you.

Is there an ustadz or student of Islamic knowledge near you who you can ask help?.

 

[anonymous]

Everyone is getting this all wrong.

I want to spend time with my husband. Chilling at home. Watching television. Talking. I just want to spend time with him

Is that my right. My husband said it is not my right for him to spendtime with me.

 

[Muslim Woman]

Hadith 11: Treat your wives GoodIt is related by Sayyidah Aisha (the wife of Prophet Muhammad) that the Messenger of Allah said:
​

“Among Muslims his Faith is more perfect whose behavior towards (everyone) is good, and (particularly), towards his wife is of love and kindness.” {Tirmidhi}
​

Abu Hurairah related to us that the Messenger of Allah said:​

“Among Muslims they are more perfect in Faith who are perfect in morals, and, (in fact), the best of you are those who are best to their wives.” {Tirmidhi}




http://umersultan.wordpress.com/2009/09/01/hadith-11-treat-your-wives-good/

​

 

[Muslim Woman]

Wives should not be treated harshly; it is their right to live honourably.

يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا لا يَحِلُّ لَكُمْ أَنْ تَرِثُوا النِّسَاءَ كَرْهاً وَلا تَعْضُلُوهُنَّ لِتَذْهَبُوا بِبَعْضِ مَا آتَيْتُمُوهُنَّ إِلاَّ أَنْ يَأْتِينَ بِفَاحِشَةٍ مُبَيِّنَةٍ وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ فَإِنْ كَرِهْتُمُوهُنَّ فَعَسَى أَنْ تَكْرَهُوا شَيْئاً وَيَجْعَلَ اللَّهُ فِيهِ خَيْراً كَثِيراً






“O you who believe! You are prohibited to inherit women against their will; and you should not treat them with harshness, that you may take away part of the Mahr you have given them, unless they commit open illegal sex; and live with them honourably. If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike a thing and Allah brings through it a great deal of good.”
​

(Aayah No. 4, Surah An-Nisa’, Chapter No. 4, Holy Qur’an).




This is a clear order from Allah for husbands to treat their wives with dignity, not to be harsh with them in words, actions etc. Every human has some shortcomings. It is natural for a wife also to have some negatives in her personality. But Allah advises the husbands to look into positives of the wives. Try to ignore her shortcomings and be patient.



Let me quote a hadith in this context:

It was narrated from Umm Salamah (RA) that she brought some food in a dish of hers to Allah’s Messenger (PBUH) & his Companions, then Aishah (RA) came, wrapped up in a garment, with a stone pestle and broke the dish. The Prophet (PBUH) gathered the broken pieces of the dish and said (to his Companions), “Eat; your mother got jealous,” twice. Allah’s Messenger (PBUH) took the dish of Aishah (RA) and sent it to Umm Salamah (RA) and he gave the dish of Umm Salamah (RA) to Aishah (RA).


​

(Hadith No. 3408, Book of Kind Treatment of Women, Sunan An-Nasa’i, Vol. 4).



Imagine how would an average man behave if his wife smacked a dish out of jealousy in front of his guests? But our beloved Prophet (PBUH) observed patience.



And he advised same thing to his followers, as can be seen in following hadith:

It was narrated that Abu Hurairah (RA) said: Allah’s Messenger (PBUH) said, “No believing man should hate a believing woman. If he dislikes one of her characteristics, he may be pleased with another.”





​

(Hadith No. 3645 (1467), Book of Breastfeeding, Sahih Muslim, Vol. 4).


http://www.quranandhadith.com/husband-wife-relationship/

 

[Muslim Woman]

Volume 1, Book 8, Number 445:


Narrated ‘Aisha:Once I saw Allah’s Apostle at the door of my house while some Ethiopians were playing in the mosque (displaying their skill with spears). Allah’s Apostle was screening me with his Rida’ so as to enable me to see their display.


(‘Urwa said that ‘Aisha said, “I saw the Prophet, and the Ethiopians were playing with their spears.”) One word: aww!

Also, the story doesn’t end here.

Other narrations tell us that ‘Aisha (RA) was resting her head on Prophet (SAW)’s shoulder. Prophet (SAW) kept standing so ‘Aisha could enjoy the display fully.



He once asked her if she was done, and she replied with no. He kept standing there without a word. Only when ‘Aisha felt tired and had enough, did the Prophet (SAW) move from his place.That’s the example Prophet (SAW) left for the husbands of his Ummah. He treated his wives with such care and love that none of today’s ‘perfect couples’ stand a chance in comparison with him.O followers of the Prophet (SAW), try following him for real. Men, treat your wives with respect, love and kindness.



Women, narrate this Hadith to your sons and brothers [or husbands ] so they can treat their wives nicely too. InshaAllah.




http://ilookilisten.wordpress.com/2011/08/17/caring-for-your-wife-hadith-no-445/

 

[Muslim Woman]

Cherish Your Wife the Prophet’s Way (10+ Hadiths)



By Muhammad Fathi




Have Fun with Her




`A’ishah reported that she accompanied the Prophet in a travel when she was still slim.


The Prophet told people to move forward and then he asked `A’ishah to race with him. They had a race and `A’ishah won.In a later travel, when `A’ishah had forgotten the race and had already gained weight, the Prophet told her to race with him again.




She declined, “How can I race with you while I am in such a condition?” The Prophet insisted and they did have a race. The Prophet won this time. He laughed then and said “tit for tat”. (Authenticated by Al-Albani)


http://www.onislam.net/english/shar...-husband-wife-relation-domestic-violence.html

 

[anonymous]

Jazakallah. Is there any ayah specifically on spending time together?

Or any fatwa on iskamqna

My husband turned around and said it's Sunnah only. It's not my right

 

[ardianto]

My husband turned around and said it's Sunnah only. It's not my right

I have guessed it. That's why I suggest you to not use ayah or hadith in this matter.

Sis, do not thinking you can force a Muslim to follow what you want with showing ayah or hadith. No! instead of follow you, he will use ayah and hadith too to argue you. This is the common habit of Muslims, especially male Muslims.

Now it's better you try to evaluate why your husband feel uncomfortable with you and then he prefer to spend his times with his friends and his family, not with you.

You can still show him ayah or hadith about husband-wife relationship, but after your husband feel comfortable with you. And tell him with smile and good manner.

One again. Perform salah tahajjud, continued with du'a, wish Allah open your husband heart.

 

[Insaanah]

Sorry to hear of your problem sister.

My husband turned around and said it's Sunnah only. It's not my right

My husband thinks it is not my right for him to spend time with me. He says I have right to a house, food and clothing that's it.

One of the rights of the wife is the right to maintenance, which includes your food and clothing.

A separate right of the wife, is the right to proper and kind treatment.

The translation of part of the 19th ayah of Surah an-Nisaa' says:

And live with them in kindness. For if you dislike them - perhaps you dislike a thing and Allah makes therein much good.

Commenting on this verse, Tafsir ibn Katheer says:

And live with them honorably, by saying kind words to them, treating them kindly and making your appearance appealing for them, as much as you can, just as you like the same from them. Allah said in another Ayah, (And they have rights similar over them to what is reasonable) ﴿2:228. The Messenger of Allah :saws: said, "The best among you is he who is the best with his family. Verily, I am the best one among you with my family". It was the practice of the Messenger of Allah :saws: to be kind, cheerful, playful with his wives, compassionate, spending on them and laughing with them. The Messenger :saws: used to race with `A'ishah, the Mother of the Faithful, as a means of kindness to her. `A'ishah said, "The Messenger of Allah :saws: raced with me and I won the race. This occurred before I gained weight, and afterwards I raced with him again, and he won that race. He said, (This ﴿victory ﴾ is for that ﴿victory﴾.)'' When the Prophet :saws: was at the home of one of his wives, sometimes all of his wives would meet there and eat together, and they would then go back to their homes...The Prophet :saws: used to talk to the wife whose night it was, after praying `Isha' and before he went to sleep.

Source: http://www.qtafsir.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=694&Itemid=59

The relationship between a Muslim man and his wife is not one of rules and regulations. Allah says n the Qur'an "verily, the believers are but a brotherhood"(al Hujuraat, 10). One's wife is part of that brotherhood of Islam. Indeed, she deserves to be treated in a special manner by the husband because she has more rights upon him. Unfortunately, it is often the case that a brother knows how to be a brother to his Muslim brothers in the mosque and to his relatives, but does not realise how to be a brother to his sister who is his wife. Sometimes the kindest person in the mosque is the worst person when it comes to treating his wife.

The first thing he should realise is that his wife is first and foremost another Muslim. She is his sister in Islam. Therefore, all the rights that fall upon a Muslim due to the general brotherhood of Islam are also due to one's spouse, in fact moreso. The brotherhood, love and loyalty which Muslims are meant to have amongst each other, apply to ones' wife too.

The prophet :saws: said, None of you truly believes, until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself. (Bukhari and Muslims)

If he likes not to spend time with you, would he like it if you did the same, when he wanted to spend time with you?

One's spouse has even more rights on a person due to the great and important contract that has been contracted between them.

Therefore, when discussing the rights of the spouses, this matter should not be looked at "coldly". Their relationship with each other must be much more than a matter of rights stated by the law that each must abide by. Instead, it should be a relationship of mutual love, support and understanding. Each spouse should take into consideration the needs and abilities of the other spouse. They should attempt to make each other happy, even if they have to compromise sometimes, and not simply be out to make sure that they are getting all of their rights in the marriage, or trying to avoid behaving nicely with their spouse, simply because they think it's a sunnah and not fard, or it's not her right.

The prophet :saws: in particular advised the husbands to treat their wives in the best way. Both spouses should look at themselves and see how they can improve for each other.

Post adapted and excerpted from: The Fiqh of family, marriage and divorce, by Jamal Zarabozo, American Open University, 1997.

May Allah rectify all your matters and grant you mutual love, understanding and happiness, ameen.

 

[anonymous]

My husband is an impossible. Man to speak to.

He treats every one better than me. Even his only sister. He gets mad when her husband is bad to her and doesn't give her time. Yet if I have a heart to heart he won'tsspeak to me for days and I have to beg him to talk to me.

He is religiousHe orprays and seek a knowledge and follows Quran and Sunnah. He doesn't change the religion. But heiisn't good to me. I have needs to I married him for companionship and he says he doesn't need to spend time with me.

 

[anonymous]

I think I found a good fatwa
http://islamqa.info/en/177509

 

[ardianto]

Rather than seek ayah, hadith, or fatwa about husband duty and show it to your husband, it's better if you seek advice about how to make your husband feel comfortable with you.

The principle of love is "give and take", not "take and give". If you want your husband love you, at first you must give something to him that will make him happy. If your husband feel happy with you, automatically he will give happiness to you which you can take.

Don't force him to give more times for you, but try to build an atmosphere which he feel comfortable with you. And your behavior that force him with showing some evidences is indeed, make your husband feel uncomfortable.

If your husband feel comfortable with you, so he will spend his times with you because it will makes him feel happy.

 

[Alpha Dude]

Sister, I think brother ardianto has given golden advice in his last post. The thing is, experience counts for a lot of things and especially within the marital sphere, it plays a major role. For this reason, it would be better to take heed when someone older, who would have been married for quite a while, gives some suggestions.

If you do manage to find an appropriate fatwa and take it to him and against all the odds, he does decide to spend time with you - what kind of quality time do you expect he is going to provide given that he is there only half-heartedly and reluctantly? I think you should be more cunning and use wisdom to make him want to spend more time with you.