Stages of marriage. Would anyone like to discuss?

[Islami.Mu'mina]

Assalamu alaykum. I always wondered about this, I really would appreciate it for anyone to contribute on this topic. Marriage is obviously something very serious and it isn't all fun and games;D

For those of you who have experience, would you share what you believe the stages of marriage are? Or even sources to articles about it. All I know about is the honeymoon phase (however long that even lasts, id assume its very short), but I would like to get a good understanding about the ups and downs couples go through (and why it happens) and some words of wisdom of what you have learned so far.

 

[xboxisdead]

Unfortunately, I am not qualified to be help on marriage and stages of marriage. Sorry about that. But this is an interested topic, if anyone do have any advise on marriage, their experience and stages they went through, please post them here. It could come out as an educational post and avoid repeating mistakes.

 

[Eric H]

Greetings and peace be with you Islami.mu'min;

In the UK, when a child gets to fifteen, about half of them are not living with both their biological parents. I have met a number of depressed and suicidal people after their marriages have broken down.

The first twenty five years of marriage are the hardest, then it just gets harder. I think if you make fifty years of marriage, you will have a small understanding of what it is all about. My favourite description of marriage is - an imperfect man marries an imperfect woman, they have imperfect children and live in an imperfect world full of trials and tribulations. When something is broken, it is always better to try and fix it with kindness.

You need to constantly forgive and move on, you need resilience for all the problems life throws at you, and you need perseverance to keep going. Try and struggle through all conflict with the thought that neither spouse should loose, rather than one person wins. Resolving conflict often works better when we try and change ourselves, rather than change the other person. Love and kindness help.

Prayer is important, we need all the help we can get, learn to constantly be thankful in good times and bad.

I have only been married for thirty five years and still have lots to learn. If you can make marriage work it is worth all the struggles.

Marriage is obviously something very serious and it isn't all fun and games

You might be right, but there can be fun and games along the way, it's not all doom and gloom as my reply may suggest.:happy:

May Allah bless you on your journey through life,
Eric

 

[Studentofdeed]

Definitely there has to be compromise. Its bound to fail if one person is doing all the work and the other person is just taking things for granted or not making efforts or fulfilling responsibilities. But May Allah protect us from such hardships

 

[Islami.Mu'mina]

Greetings and peace be with you too.

Beautiful answer. It seems like you and your wife are wise people that have learned much alhamdulilah.

In the UK, when a child gets to fifteen, about half of them are not living with both their biological parents. I have met a number of depressed and suicidal people after their marriages have broken down.

Yes unfortunately, divorce rates are increasing. Some couples go into marriage without knowing the responsibility it takes to stay with each other. This also puts their children at risk, many children pick up the behavior from their parents and they don't realize the beauty of struggling and learning to stay together in a marriage. I had a friend who used to live with her alcoholic divorced dad until she left him. She now never wants to get married again or have children. She does have a boyfriend, but he doesn't seem like the best person, and she isn't living a stable life i'd say as of now. Both of them have very bad mentalities too, sadly.

and you need perseverance to keep going. Try and struggle through all conflict with the thought that neither spouse should loose, rather than one person wins. Resolving conflict often works better when we try and change ourselves

Yeah that's a great mentality to work on. Definitely hard to master, but I can see you are saying it out of experience. It is nice how humans can take their problems with eachother and grow into stronger people, together.

it's not all doom and gloom as my reply may suggest

Haha, I'll be counting on that

 

[Eric H]

Greetings and peace be with you Islami.mu'min;

One thing I meant to have said, if you have children; always love your spouse more than you love your children. If you get it right with your spouse, you will get it right with your children. If you mess up with your spouse, you will also mess up with your children. At some point you hope your children will move out, then you are only left with your partner.

Definitely there has to be compromise.

The reality often means compromise and do it my way. Generally in any marriage, one of the partners gets their own way most of the time. The other partner generally gives in for a peaceful life; and I like a peaceful life.

Its tough being single, and its tough being married; the struggles we face today prepare us for tomorrow.

May Allah bless you on your journey through life.

Eric

 

['Abdullah]

I will contribute by giving some advice by sharing hadiths ( I just love hadiths) and will share my experience ( 13 years) as well in future posts.

Abu Huraira (Allah be pleased with him) reported Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) as saying:
A woman may be married for four reasons: for her property, her status. her beauty and her religion, so try to get one who is religious, may your hand be besmeared with dust.

حَدَّثَنَا زُهَيْرُ بْنُ حَرْبٍ، وَمُحَمَّدُ بْنُ الْمُثَنَّى، وَعُبَيْدُ اللَّهِ بْنُ سَعِيدٍ، قَالُوا حَدَّثَنَا يَحْيَى، بْنُ سَعِيدٍ عَنْ عُبَيْدِ اللَّهِ، أَخْبَرَنِي سَعِيدُ بْنُ أَبِي سَعِيدٍ، عَنْ أَبِيهِ، عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ، عَنِ النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم قَالَ ‏ "‏ تُنْكَحُ الْمَرْأَةُ لأَرْبَعٍ لِمَالِهَا وَلِحَسَبِهَا وَلِجَمَالِهَا وَلِدِينِهَا فَاظْفَرْ بِذَاتِ الدِّينِ تَرِبَتْ يَدَاكَ ‏"‏ ‏.‏
Reference: Sahih Muslim 1466
In-book reference: Book 17, Hadith 68
USC-MSA web (English) reference: Book 8, Hadith 3457
https://sunnah.com/muslim/17/68

It is very important advice. If spouse is righteous then he/she will have Taqwa (consciousness of Allah). Once a person knows that Allah has made something halal for him/her through a contract at Allah's blessed name, they know that they have to take care of each others rights to achieve a common goal and that is to please Allah. Allah is watching us all the time and He knows everything. He knows our struggles and sometimes to please Allah we have to let go of our ego. We need to overlook the mistakes of others so that Allah can overlook at our mistakes.

There is a reason why it is said that marriages is half the religion. It is not going to be easy at the beginning because it is an adjustment phase. It takes time to understand each other, develop the trust and build some good memories. But to me, the best part of marriage is that it provides us an opportunity to improve in our character. I have learned how to understand the psychology of the opposite gender. To be more careful, loving and overlook especially when my wife is going through monthly period. If Allah has lifted the obligations of fasting, praying and other rituals for women during this time, then we should know that there is a reason behind it. Women get extremely emotional and irritated ( talking from my personal experience only) and at this time they need to be taken care of. If all the males can understand this one aspect, their marriage will be more peaceful and happy.

More to share in future In Sha'a Allah.