Stop being a door mat

[noorseeker]

I need some advice in how to stop being a door mat or being took advantage of.

I know we should help people for the sake of Allah swt soley.

In my life ive always tried to be helpful, to the extent of being over helpful

doing favours for people, borrowing money etc, but people time and time have taken advantage of me.

Ive become a yes Man.

The problem is im afraid if i say no to people, i feel like ive just sinned.

its more a case of me volunteering my help willingly, i want to help but dont want to be taken advantage of

Any ideas or examples guys?

 

[Salahudeen]

I know how you feel akhi, you feel bad when you say NO. I also had this problem when I was working and people would just take advantage they would ask me to do something and I wouldn't say "No" then it go to the point where they were standing round and I was working. Then I finally thought this is wrong they're taking advantage so next time they asked me I said "NO, do it yourself, why can't you do it, you've got a pair of hands and legs use them" ;D

My mum is also like this, a yes person, and it often leads to people walking over you. You give people an inch and they take a mile. it's so annoying. Can lead to inner frustration with ones self also cos you can't understand why you keep letting people walk over you.

Offer your help but set out the limits, when they ask you to do something that you think is taking advantage just say "no" in a polite way.

 

[Raudha]

I understand what you mean brother. The key here is to learn to be assertive. Remember that you are a person in your own right and you have limits as well. I also used t feel extremely guilty as though I am sinning and could not turn people down. But now that I have come to university I realised that there is no time to be shy and soft. The volume of work that has to be done is large and you can suffer great "loss" if you give up your time allocated to studying to someone else. That doesn't mean you shouldn't help people at all, but keep to your limits. For example, if somebody asks you to take them to the other end of town and you are only going half-way in the same direction and there is a risk of being late for a meeting if you go all the way, lay down the facts on the table and tell the person that you don't mind doing them the favour and you are prepared to help them to a certain extent but beyond that they will have to make other arrangements. And apologise for your inability to do more for them.
You need to think about your own priorities as well. Because, as in the above example, imagine yourself turning up late for your meeting... Is that not contrary to the behaviour of a good muslim? And how many of your colleagues will be totally understanding of your situation and happy to forgive you for turning up late? (They are of course also human after all and professionalism is very important).

I attended a public counselling lecture at university last year that dealt with being assertive and I found it very helpful Alhamdulillah. I will try to find lecture notes on that for you inshaAllah.

I hope that I have made sense and been of some assistance bi Ithnillah.

May Allah make it easy for you to serve His deen along with protecting your rights as a Muslim and as a human being.Ameen.

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

be firm but kind about the way you disagree with people. not to be harsh or anything, but if you feel that someone is using you, then it is your fault for giving in to them...people wont and dont care about you until and unless you care for yourself. if you feel that they are in genuine need of your favors, then it isnt good to deny them that.

another thing you should do if you feel that you are sinning, is to actually find from the islamic sources whether you are held accountable or not. knowledge always cures ignorance so that's the first step you should take.

 

[Ğħαrєєвαħ]

Aslaamu`Alaaykum

Yes i agree it can be hard to say no, i guess them making you do all your work for you when Allaah swt has blessed them hands to use, legs to walk on and a brain to think with makes them look much more like a sinner, rather than you saying Yes to themand helping them out. Brother you will just get more reward but inshaAllaah have patience, if you told them "NO",sometimes even if you say it nicely, that may still seem rude to them and they may not want you to help them again,and it depends on the type of person tha individual is your dealing with, i guess patience is needed either way. Maybe you can tell them about the Prophet Muhammad`s (saw) beloved character and they can learn something out if it InshaAllaah, May Sincere Dua to Allaah to help you.

However,I know that the Prophet SAW would do his own chores himself rather than have others do them for him. But he did like to help out a lot with his wives and if someone needed desperate help, i think you should keep helping them if nothing else works out and keep patient as theres no wrong in helping one out as far as i know as you will be rewarded inshaAllaah (Correct me if im wrong) May Allaah reward you and ease your affairs Brother, Ameen

[Abu Dawud, Tirmidhi] He did not like people to get up for him and used to say, "Let him who likes people to stand up in his honour, he should seek a place in hell." [Abu Dawud]

Wa`Alaaykum Salaam

 

[marwen]

Assalamu Alaykom !

A little advice : If someone asked you to do something for him, don't hurry into giving him the answer because if you respond directly you'll say "YES" without thinking, and a direct "NO" will seem very rude, but you should rather ask for some time to think before, You can use one of these expressions :

"Let me see if I'm able to do it"
"I need some time to think"
"I don't now if I can do that right now"
"Call me back and I'll give you a final answer".
etc.

and then after thinking if you can't do it, just tell him you can't, he won't be upset.

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

I need some advice in how to stop being a door mat or being took advantage of.

I know we should help people for the sake of Allah swt soley.

In my life ive always tried to be helpful, to the extent of being over helpful

doing favours for people, borrowing money etc, but people time and time have taken advantage of me.

Ive become a yes Man.

The problem is im afraid if i say no to people, i feel like ive just sinned.

its more a case of me volunteering my help willingly, i want to help but dont want to be taken advantage of

Any ideas or examples guys?

Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, my brother you have a good heart and good intentions and this is a part of growing up whereby we learn from our mistakes and errors of judgement at times and do things better next time so learn from all of these experiences and know that we learn from our failures and not our successes,

As Muslims we must also keep a balance in everything we do and in regards to how we are as people. We must balance our generosity and keep our priorities right. We must balance our firmness with our softness depending on the situation we are faced with. We must also be assertive when we need to be and not be scared to put our foot down in certain situations. Everything must be balanced for if you do not have balance then you will lose out as you have done in your past situations.

Therefore you must now start to balance how you are as a person. When someone asks of you for something then judge the situation and think about it properly before making a decision.

It may be that because you do not hesitate saying yes to people that the word may have gone around and that is why people ask of you for things knowing that you will say yes. Unfortunatley it is a harsh world and most people are out for themselves so only give something to someone who is close to you and who you trust 100%. If you do not then tell them in a nice manner that you cannot and be firm in this even if they ask you again. You have learnt from your past now and i am sure you know what to do now.

So ask of Allah to help you in every situation and he will do whatever is best for you inshallah.

and Allah knows best in all matters