Assalamu alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu
Brothers and Sisters in Islam..
The love inside me for Islam knows no end.. I cannot tell you how passionate I am about my deen and Islam, and how reading about others conversions just inspires me and makes me feel so proud of our Ummah.. alhamdulillah.
My conversion story is just simple compared to some.. but alhamdulillah, Allah swt, ya Rabb, found us and put us on the straight path, alhamdulillah.
It is a bit long, so my apologies!
For me, at the age of 42, ya Rabb's calling started about two year's ago. I had been to north Cyprus and during my travels there noticed the tall minarets reaching towards the skies... without even hearing the adhan I imagined the calling to prayer, the joining together in worship, the solidarity, the community, the surrendering and submission to Allah. The feeling that overcame me each time I noticed one was one a tugging at the heart and mind, and to something I had no real previous knowledge of. I was familiar with middle eastern culture and language through music and friends, but this wasn’t exactly relevant. At the time I was visiting a good friend and when I saw these minarets lumps would form in my throat but had no idea what was going on. I just knew I had to explore further when I returned home.
Being in London a short while, I made new friends and I remember them saying to me.. are you sure you’re not Muslim.. you eat like one, you talk like one, your ideas, principles.. they fit so well with Islam!?? I said I just did what came naturally to me.
I have to admit during this time I was going through some difficulties, and period of unsettlement, although I was relatively happy, I didn’t feel my life was on the right track.. and although not a particularly religious person, although I was capable of ‘belief’, I never followed any particular school of thought. However, I had always believed in a higher being, a power so huge that it was not necessary to see or hear it.. it would be FELT, that life was our biggest test, and was a fatalist to a certain degree..., easily able to accept what life threw at me because everything that happened in life was for a reason.. good or bad and we just had to deal with it the right and best way we could. So during this period I felt an incredible need to pray, but had no-one to pray to, and didn’t really know how. At no time in my life had I ever felt I needed guidance from anyone other than friends or family but now, for me, this wasn’t sufficient.. I wanted my thoughts to be heard by just one who knew me inside and out, someone who wouldn’t judge me, would forgive me, guide me to the straight path. I wasn’t in any ways a bad woman, I was just suffering a little emotionally, not quite sure where I was going in life, and needing some direction.
A couple of Muslim friends could sense my despair and started to unfold Islam. My curiosity started the snowball. I remember I was told about the young Muslim singer Sami Yusuf and bought his CD. The words touched me so deeply. One day stands out above all others at that time. I was on the tube, on my way to work in the city, it was a gloriously sunny day and I had Sami in both ears. Not only was his voice, the composition and orchestration so pleasing to hear, but the words.. “Try not to cry little one, you’re not alone, I’ll stand by you... “, the tears, and even now when I listen to that track, unashamedly just collected in my eyes and fell but at that same moment something physically struck at my heart and mentally, the jigsaw was complete. The feeling of peace, security and safety that washed over me was incredible. It was as if I had won the lottery! I had found the answer, I was on my way home. I went to work with a bounce in my step and a sense of being different, of finding the hidden treasure! As I achieved realisation I then wanted to learn everything about Islam (alongside other topics such as culture, history and politics of the countries Islam was part of). Of particular interest were stories from women converts, and it was surprising to read my experience wasn’t unusual.. Alhamdulillah, I was proud to be one of them, returning to our rightful place. Another book I read was ‘The Ideal Muslimah’. Although a 'western' woman with a strong personality, reading through the book I realised how much of what was written actually suited the heart of my personality, my characterisitics, values, morals and principles.. and this would be one of my goals in my new life - to aspire to be the ideal muslimah. The desire to convert was increasing each day however I procrastinated due to circumstances.. in one respect I wasn’t ‘ready’.. and also I wasn’t quite sure where and how to convert!
I was in Starbucks one day and saw a white Muslim woman.... and just blurted out.. I want to convert, can you help me?! She was so quiet, kind and gentle and after sitting down for a short while and talking to me, she gave me some literature to read (I didn’t need convincing! ) and saw her a few further times. She suggested I go to the masjid and take my shahadah, and she would come with me. Well, this didn’t quite work out as planned, she was not available at the time I was going but, almost a year later, I could not wait any longer. Even though I had said the shahadah with friends, for me this wasn’t enough. I had to do it the right way, in the right place – the masjid.
I felt I had to tell my family and a few friends, to prepare them for the changes. I travelled down to Wales to see my father (my mother is no longer living) and left London in my hijab, that I started wearing just at home or outside work, together with abayas, but just 5 mins away from arriving I was battling with whether to keep hijab on or take it off.. I stuck to my principles somewhat with trepidation as to how my father would take it. First reaction was not good, and he kept asking why, but more importantly, he wished I told him before to prepare him for the ‘shock’ but during the time with him he became positively curious, concerned for my happiness but nevertheless accepting my decision. Friends too were the same, simply happy for me to be happy. Alhamdulillah so far so good.
Now I had prepared the ground, the true and real time was ready.... I was ready. It happened the Sunday before Ramadan (2008) I have to say that although my shahadah was not exactly the experience I had been expecting, and there was little , if any, support for converts, which made me very frustrated and, I have to say, astaghfirallah, a bit angry, but I felt the weight lift from my shoulders. I did however find the support I needed, from friends, websites, books and Alhamdulillah Ramadan helped to be one of the best learning experiences for prayers, and again, Alhamdulillah, the prayers seemed to come easily to me. Every night during Ramadan, attending the local masjid, joining in with the other sisters, experiencing the joy, the anticipation, the dedication, it was, masha'Allah absolutely incredible. When I had to break my fasting, for ah hem, women's reasons, I was so sad!!! I couldn’t fast, I couldn’t pray, I couldn’t attend the masjid, and despite feeling a little annoyed.. I accepted that my lord was giving me a time to rest.
I called my father the day after I converted, he was concerned about the Desptatches programme, but I reassured him, explained my viewpoint, where I stood with my religion and each time we speak now, he’s pleased with my progress, interested in what I’m achieving, the new friends I’m making and actually said, it seems to have made you a calmer, more peaceful person.. as long as you are happy. Masha’Allah... I am so proud to have a father like this when I have heard the difficulties some people have experienced.
The next step was to broach my workplace – the reason for procrastinating about wearing hijab was due to a possible confliction of interest however I was feeling sad and uncomfortable without the hijab – it was part of me, it was my identity and seeing other women like myself I felt I wasn’t being true to me or obeying Allah.. I was told, just be patient, give it time. I did but then one day during Ramadan, when most of my colleagues knew I was fasting, although they never asked why..., I approaching my office manager and released everything. She was supportive, curious, didn't foresee any ‘problems’, and if it made me happy, then wear the hijab. I felt that I should just send a quick email to my co-workers to explain the different appearance and at the same time, chose what I considered to be the appropriate time. Then I wanted to tell my consultants.. all 12 of them so i composed an honest, sincere and open email to them all, explaining my decision, my feelings and asking for their support. Alhamdulillah.. I had so many words of praise for my courage, respect for my honesty that it was overwhelming. So, since October 2nd 2008, just one month after converting, I became a full time hijabi..
Finally everything started to come together, Alhamdulillah.
However presently, there is much more I still have to learn, many questions I still have to ask, and I am impatient because I am so eager to learn everything yet I have sabr.. I learned to accept and put my trust in Allah completely, I am at his mercy. Insha’Allah he will provide me with what I need when it is right for me. Allah knows best. Masha’Allah.. my happiness now knows no end with Allah part of my life. One of my wishes is to now take a couple of years off work and just to absorb myself with Islam, course after course. I have many years to make up for but realistically I will continue to work but not a day goes by when I do not have the intention to learn a little bit more, usually learning duas on the tube, to and from work, and from sites like these where I have to thank everyone who spends time reading these posts and who contributes and supports us all.
I have found that as time passes my deen is becoming the most important thing in my life, it takes priority. My life revolves around my 5 salat; I have taqwa alhamdulillah, I'm now trying, insha'Allah, to make my home as islamic as possible, no statues, paintings, etc., following the Sunni path, insha'Allah, just trying my hardest to do as Ya Rabb orders me to. Ah hem :embarrass, just need a pious husband to complete my deen!
I just wish there were more hours in the day to study Islam and worship, but have bills to pay and I know that despite what we know, it is never-ending Alhamdulillah!
On a current level, would love, insha'Allah, to meet other revert Sisters.. don't know many.
Well.. insha'Allah I haven't bored you with this humungus post :smile:, just to say, jazakAllah for reading and
Fi Aman Allah
Wa alaikum assalam
Stephanie
:muslimah:
القناعة تقيم في الأكواخ اكثر من القصور