struggling marriage, what should i do?

[AnonymousPoster]

A bit of advice and guidance is what i need. This is a bit long

I have been married for nearly 4 years... I had a forced married and my husband is from pakistan and im from the uk. I wasn;t ready and didn;t want to get married but i had a lot of pressure and i got married.

Once i got married my husband came to the uk and i couldn;t cope with any of it. Someone in my personal space etc... we have very different view point etc. My husband try his best to communicate with me and was very good to me but i jst could cope with the situation.
I made my self very ill, i was depressed n used to self harm. ( Im not proud of any of it but thats life)

After nearly 2 years of arguing everyday. We had a lot of other family stuff going on and my husband argued with my parent n everyone else about the other family situation.

After that i applyed for his 'stay' to live in the uk as my husband permentaly but he decided to leave me, i got annoyed and wrote a letter and stoped this from happening.
After that he left and i never got in touch with him either. After the first year i realsied that i really do love my husband and i do want o stay with him, after that i started to make the efforted and my husband stopped.

He believe that i don;t want to be with him, i can completly see why he though that.
After about 6 months he got back in touch with me.
the situation now is that he wants me to move away frm my family as he can;t stand my family and want me to move closer to where his brothers live, if i want the marriage to work.

I decided that this would be the right decision for me and left my family and moved to somewhere where it was only his family. I don;t have any family or friends and im currently not working. I feel a little isolated.

the problem now is that he never finanically supported mein the marriage and as i was working befor it didn;t bothered me, but it does know.
I realise that he is very different to me and doesn;t really understand me and i don;t think he ever will, we want different things in life and he wants me to be a housewife and have kids. I also find it hard that he can;t stand my family and even today slags my family off. I don;t really think i can live with someone who has no respect for my family as i am very close to them.

My husband says that he doesn;t think bad of my family but when he talks about them its a very different situation all together.
I don;t want to be a housewife, i believe that there is so much more to life them this.... (no offence to people who are home maker and choose this) i can respect that im just not ready for that. It would be different if this was my chose!


so now im in a sitation which i have choosen...the question is what shoudl i do?

Sorry i now its a bit long.... but its all relevant... lol

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

i dont mean to be judgmental but i dont understand why you got back with him knowing how different you were, knowing that he used you and knowing that he wanted you to cut ties with your family (no offense)
the only thing i can think of is go to a local imam and explain your situation. all the best =)

 

[anonymous]

Advice & Support is the gossip tabloid page!



Muslims!

Unable to restrain myself from posting the obvious. The Advice & Support threads is nothing more than a Gossip Tabloid Page for the same forum members. It appears that posters are unable to wait to either request more intimate details or continue a useless thread that usually receives the best advice to visit the Imam at the local Masjid.

The rare occurrences when a OP actually is requesting generalized questions and receives an answer and leaves is I guess the reason to continue the section. If the thread can assist one person is has fulfilled its purpose.

Not understanding why the same people are entertaining the same issues.

How many of these stories are fabricated? I hope the moderators begin to view the IP addresses. Allah 'Alim

I realize the truth is not popular but is necessary.

Sahih Bukhari Volume 7, Book 62, Number 74:

Narrated Abu Huraira:

The Prophet said, "Beware of suspicion (about others), as suspicion is the falsest talk, and do not spy upon each other, and do not listen to the evil talk of the people about others' affairs, and do not have enmity with one another, but be brothers. And none should ask for the hand of a girl who is already engaged to his (Muslim) brother, but one should wait till the first suitor marries her or leaves her."

 

[Lonely Gal]

honestly i'd say if u really dont see urself gettin on, speak to him about it and what is the best action for you both.. looks as if you need to get out

 

[aurealnour]

My dear,

What do you want? Forget about everyone else, forget about what everyone else might want. What do you want? Once you establish that then that's half the battle.

I admire you for giving your marriage a shot, I am not going to say to you to leave him, just give you the options as its down to you to decide what you do.

Either way you need to look at communication, whenyou talk to your husband, talk from the heart. Don't tell him what you think he wants to hear. Have you told him how you feel when he disrespects your family?
Have you told him how you felt? Have you told him you feel isolated? I know its hard in a different country, I have done it many a time. Are there any groups you could get involved in. Is there a British Council near you?
Can you see about doing some courses maybe online?

You sound like a very smart independant woman, sometimes we need men to balance us, but he has to be your equal.

If you decide to leave your husband, do it with your head held high. It has been a learning curve, take the lessons you have learnt.

I am concerned about the self harm. It's easy to resort to I know trust me, but maybe look at chanelling the feelings you get. When you feel like your getting worked up...maybe get a punch bag? I find writing helps. As often when you write you end up answering your own questions, I think you know already what you want to do.
Its down to you what you do next...

But be positive, if you feel like you cant do something then you know what you wont. But if you change your thought then you can acheive anything wherever you are.
Take care and lots of love & light

A bit of advice and guidance is what i need. This is a bit long

I have been married for nearly 4 years... I had a forced married and my husband is from pakistan and im from the uk. I wasn;t ready and didn;t want to get married but i had a lot of pressure and i got married.

Once i got married my husband came to the uk and i couldn;t cope with any of it. Someone in my personal space etc... we have very different view point etc. My husband try his best to communicate with me and was very good to me but i jst could cope with the situation.
I made my self very ill, i was depressed n used to self harm. ( Im not proud of any of it but thats life)

After nearly 2 years of arguing everyday. We had a lot of other family stuff going on and my husband argued with my parent n everyone else about the other family situation.

After that i applyed for his 'stay' to live in the uk as my husband permentaly but he decided to leave me, i got annoyed and wrote a letter and stoped this from happening.
After that he left and i never got in touch with him either. After the first year i realsied that i really do love my husband and i do want o stay with him, after that i started to make the efforted and my husband stopped.

He believe that i don;t want to be with him, i can completly see why he though that.
After about 6 months he got back in touch with me.
the situation now is that he wants me to move away frm my family as he can;t stand my family and want me to move closer to where his brothers live, if i want the marriage to work.

I decided that this would be the right decision for me and left my family and moved to somewhere where it was only his family. I don;t have any family or friends and im currently not working. I feel a little isolated.

the problem now is that he never finanically supported mein the marriage and as i was working befor it didn;t bothered me, but it does know.
I realise that he is very different to me and doesn;t really understand me and i don;t think he ever will, we want different things in life and he wants me to be a housewife and have kids. I also find it hard that he can;t stand my family and even today slags my family off. I don;t really think i can live with someone who has no respect for my family as i am very close to them.

My husband says that he doesn;t think bad of my family but when he talks about them its a very different situation all together.
I don;t want to be a housewife, i believe that there is so much more to life them this.... (no offence to people who are home maker and choose this) i can respect that im just not ready for that. It would be different if this was my chose!


so now im in a sitation which i have choosen...the question is what shoudl i do?

Sorry i now its a bit long.... but its all relevant... lol

 

[latiffa]

As Aurealnour said, I think u must know exactly what u want to have in ur life!
Take a sheet of paper and write the good and the bad and than, balance it. For sure u will see urself what u want.

 

[AnonymousPoster]

Re: Advice & Support is the gossip tabloid page!

that usually receives the best advice to visit the Imam at the local Masjid.


Not understanding why the same people are entertaining the same issues.

How many of these stories are fabricated? I hope the moderators begin to view the IP addresses. Allah 'Alim

I realize the truth is not popular but is necessary.

Who are you to say who's false and fabricating stories......? people come here for support and a bit of advice, get a different perspective, we shouldn't judge so quickly right?, soo if they are fabricating a story so be it, brothers and sisters give there opinion and advice as best as they can and to the best of there knowledge and its up to the person to decide what to do with it, we are not trained counsellor so of course its always better to get a professional advice before making a final decision.

 

[aadil77]

Re: Advice & Support is the gossip tabloid page!

How many of these stories are fabricated? I hope the moderators begin to view the IP addresses. Allah 'Alim

I realize the truth is not popular but is necessary.

Sabr62 whether or not they're true does not matter, the advice is useful for others in similar situations. This section is for advice and has been for many years, so stay out if you don't like it.

And why do you have to carry on with these lies that 'the truth is not popular' here?

 

[cat eyes]

yeah we should not be suspicious whether the op is for real or not!

 

[Ansariyah]

Re: Advice & Support is the gossip tabloid page!

Muslims!

Unable to restrain myself from posting the obvious. The Advice & Support threads is nothing more than a Gossip Tabloid Page for the same forum members. It appears that posters are unable to wait to either request more intimate details or continue a useless thread that usually receives the best advice to visit the Imam at the local Masjid.

The rare occurrences when a OP actually is requesting generalized questions and receives an answer and leaves is I guess the reason to continue the section. If the thread can assist one person is has fulfilled its purpose.

Not understanding why the same people are entertaining the same issues.

How many of these stories are fabricated? I hope the moderators begin to view the IP addresses. Allah 'Alim

I realize the truth is not popular but is necessary.

Sahih Bukhari Volume 7, Book 62, Number 74:

Narrated Abu Huraira:

The Prophet said, "Beware of suspicion (about others), as suspicion is the falsest talk, and do not spy upon each other, and do not listen to the evil talk of the people about others' affairs, and do not have enmity with one another, but be brothers. And none should ask for the hand of a girl who is already engaged to his (Muslim) brother, but one should wait till the first suitor marries her or leaves her."

but arent u being suspicious urself? We are here to advice only not to determine whether the story is false or true. ? Who would make something up?

Ps: u shudve just posted wit ur name.

 

[S<Chowdhury]

Who are we to judge and call false? i understand where you are coming from but i think most of the brothers and sisters here want to help whoever is in need of guidance, help, a different perspective etc. I for one was glad i posted in Advice & Support section and joined IB because i got an abudence of support and advice :statisfie, and the best advice is not always go and see an Imam well not for me it wasn't anyway.

 

[MSalman]

1 - I like to post this to every Muslim who want to seek advice. Here is a quick check list which should be completed in my opinion before you post for an advice:

a) Have you made an istikhara?
b) Have you prayed two rakah and made dua'a afterwards?
c) If it is marriage issue, have you followed the advice of the Prophet (sal-allahu alayhi wa sallam): spouse must be religiously committed and has good character, be gentle to your spouse, be patient, etc.?
d) Have you tried your local means, trustworthy friends etc.?

Ask for an advice from bunch of laypeople on issues which mostly involved rulings from the Shari'ah is not the best way to go about.

2 - Sister, according to Shari'ah, the home is the place for women and not working outside with men and trying to be so "bright". I am not saying that you had a haraam job and what not or judging you or anything but simply relaying what normally happens and ruling in the Shari'ah. It is obligatory upon you to obey your husband and if he doesn't give you permission to work then you have to listen to him. Like it or hate it but this is the ruling upon you and Allah knows best.

3 - As far your marriage then no one give you a proper advice unless we hear story from both sides; however, make an istikhara and follow that which you heart is satisfied with.

May Allah make it easier for you, ameen

A bit of advice and guidance is what i need. This is a bit long

I have been married for nearly 4 years... I had a forced married and my husband is from pakistan and im from the uk. I wasn;t ready and didn;t want to get married but i had a lot of pressure and i got married.

Once i got married my husband came to the uk and i couldn;t cope with any of it. Someone in my personal space etc... we have very different view point etc. My husband try his best to communicate with me and was very good to me but i jst could cope with the situation.
I made my self very ill, i was depressed n used to self harm. ( Im not proud of any of it but thats life)

After nearly 2 years of arguing everyday. We had a lot of other family stuff going on and my husband argued with my parent n everyone else about the other family situation.

After that i applyed for his 'stay' to live in the uk as my husband permentaly but he decided to leave me, i got annoyed and wrote a letter and stoped this from happening.
After that he left and i never got in touch with him either. After the first year i realsied that i really do love my husband and i do want o stay with him, after that i started to make the efforted and my husband stopped.

He believe that i don;t want to be with him, i can completly see why he though that.
After about 6 months he got back in touch with me.
the situation now is that he wants me to move away frm my family as he can;t stand my family and want me to move closer to where his brothers live, if i want the marriage to work.

I decided that this would be the right decision for me and left my family and moved to somewhere where it was only his family. I don;t have any family or friends and im currently not working. I feel a little isolated.

the problem now is that he never finanically supported mein the marriage and as i was working befor it didn;t bothered me, but it does know.
I realise that he is very different to me and doesn;t really understand me and i don;t think he ever will, we want different things in life and he wants me to be a housewife and have kids. I also find it hard that he can;t stand my family and even today slags my family off. I don;t really think i can live with someone who has no respect for my family as i am very close to them.

My husband says that he doesn;t think bad of my family but when he talks about them its a very different situation all together.
I don;t want to be a housewife, i believe that there is so much more to life them this.... (no offence to people who are home maker and choose this) i can respect that im just not ready for that. It would be different if this was my chose!


so now im in a sitation which i have choosen...the question is what shoudl i do?

Sorry i now its a bit long.... but its all relevant... lol

 

[AnonymousPoster]

Hey, Thank You for all you comments. All the advice will be taken on board when making my decision.

sister Umm ul Shaheed - The reason why i went back was because i though the problems were due to us living with my family and not us as a couple. I admit that we are very different but that doesn;t mean we don;t agree an certain issues. I also need to know if my marriage would work with out the add pressue of everyone else and i had to move a way from my family.
I couldn;t live with not give my marriage a 110% and at the beginning that what happened. I will not keep wondering what if for the rest of my life. If i walk away, i know i have done everything possible.

This post is a reality of my live if people believe that it is fabricated becasue similar threads have been posted them thats up to them. If you don;t like what you read, u can alway ignore it and 'NOT REPLY'.

Im sure many of us have heard the saying if you cant say something nice then don't say it at all!

I would like to say thank you to aurealnour because that the best advice anyone could have given me. So Thank You.

I would also like to thank all of you who replied to the 'fabricated comment'. Thank you for all you support and great advice!

 

[جوري]

Re: Advice & Support is the gossip tabloid page!

but arent u being suspicious urself? We are here to advice only not to determine whether the story is false or true. ? Who would make something up?

Ps: u shudve just posted wit ur name.

lol.. so true.. and from the writing font color and writing style I know who it is too, so what is the point of staying anonymous?

 

[aurealnour]

Anytime sister.
I wish you loads of light, Im sure you will reach your own conclusions in your own time.

Hey, Thank You for all you comments. All the advice will be taken on board when making my decision.

sister Umm ul Shaheed - The reason why i went back was because i though the problems were due to us living with my family and not us as a couple. I admit that we are very different but that doesn;t mean we don;t agree an certain issues. I also need to know if my marriage would work with out the add pressue of everyone else and i had to move a way from my family.
I couldn;t live with not give my marriage a 110% and at the beginning that what happened. I will not keep wondering what if for the rest of my life. If i walk away, i know i have done everything possible.

This post is a reality of my live if people believe that it is fabricated becasue similar threads have been posted them thats up to them. If you don;t like what you read, u can alway ignore it and 'NOT REPLY'.

Im sure many of us have heard the saying if you cant say something nice then don't say it at all!

I would like to say thank you to aurealnour because that the best advice anyone could have given me. So Thank You.

I would also like to thank all of you who replied to the 'fabricated comment'. Thank you for all you support and great advice!