suicidal thoughts

[AnonymousPoster]

I've been going through a very rough time this past few months...my faith has dropped to almost 0 level, I pray somedays and then stop for weeks at a time, like right now, everything inside me is telling me that I should get up and pray Isha, but I dont get up. Or even if I do pray right now, I know that wen tom comes I wont pray. This has greatly affected my attitude towards life. I no longer have any desire to live. I wish to be dead. But as we all know, death is not the answer. Death will only bring greater pain. I understand all the rulings of the consequences of suicide in Islam, and that alone has stopped me from doing anything majorly stupid. However, I cannot help but cut myself, as the pain it brings satiates the void inside.

I dont have the strength to be strong. I know that I have to change myself but how do I start? Where do I start? I have started many times, only to fall down harder each consecutive time.

:'(

Because of this, everything has suffered. My grades. My outlook on life. My goals to become a doctor. My family has also been affected somewhat by the recession thing. It has stressed my parents, esp my dad much and I hear him say things I never dreamed he would say. Just the other day, he said if suicide was allowed in Islam, every other person would be doing it. He meant it indirectly for himself. Hearing him say something like that broke me. My father is a very religious man, alhumdulillah, he has a huge heart, gives openly to charity. He is my hero. I look up to him much but as a daughter, seeing him so low and hopeless kills me. But he still prays masha'allah, he always has a smile and he is always saying that "everything that happens is by the will of Allah and for the better".

But the problem gets even worse. My brothers do not study. They are almost 20. Yet they watch shows and movies all day. My mother cries and begs them to study, as my dad pays there uni fees. They dont even work. One of them lies constantly about the marks he gets. I dont think he has ever told a single truth about a mark. He gets low 60s and tell me dad he is getting 70s and 80s. I fear that when my dad finds out, he will not be able to take it. For all the strength my dad shows to the outside world, me mum and I know how 'weak' he is inside. He has much hope in us - his children. But my brothers, though they care, the will NOT change their actions.

What I am saying I think, is that, I dunno what to do. How do I start praying and never stop it? I hate this feeling. I hate not praying. :'( I have contemplated suicide many times and always stop due to fear of Allah.

What to do with my brothers. My mum has cried and begged but to no avail. Our house is a turmoil of lies. We breathe and live lies. I am sick of it all.

Sorry for talking so much. I just needed to let it all out.

*crying*

Please pray for me and my family. Please. That's really all you can do for me at this point. I desperately need your dua'as.

 

[amna_mirza]

I might be wrong here but you seem to be depressed and it seem you have lost hope and trust in Allah. I think this is the reason because I had stopped praying at one time in the past and I did it in a time of hardship when nothing was working for me. You need to trust in Allah and remind you and other that the hardships of this life are a test from Allah and the life of this world is short and this world is not our final destination.

You also need to find a bigger goal in life if you do not have one already, that would motivate you to study. Being a student my self I know that sometimes studying gets really boring but one needs to keep their eyes at the end result.

 

[mathematician]

Take this is a great opportunity to become stronger. Sister, all of us go through difficult moments in life, but we don't and should not let them affect us in other parts of our life. If you don't feel like praying and you hate yourself for it it should not affect your studying.
In life you will ALWAYS be faced with some negative things, but you cannot let it affect other parts of your life. If you do then you need to become stronger. You can become stronger by facing difficult moments like yours like a brave hero.
Focus on things that you do have in life. From your message it would seem like there is very little good in your life. Is that true?
Your brothers are almost 20, so they need to make their own choices. If they don't want to study there is not much you can do about it. Maybe you can like them for who they are.
One last thing I would say is just maybe not praying is not what is making you sad. Maybe there is something else and you are using "being sad about not praying" as the major cause of your unhappiness. Could it be something else? For example, I don't know maybe something like low self-esteem, not having enough friends to talk to, something you wish you had that you can't have, etc.

 

[seeker-of-light]

someone once told me that "only in the darkest night can we see the beautiful bright stars" this sounds like your time of darkness right now. but i believe that it can also be your greatest opportunity for growth and self improvement as well. put your faith and trust in Allah, i know it can be difficult at times my life has never been easy but if you have faith you will be able to conquer through any troubling situation in your life.
also don't cut yourself, i know people who did this and it leaves awful scars.
look for a larger meaning in your life, not directly what is happening right now. when you are depressed, it is almost as though you cannot imagine things ever getting beter nor can you remember when they were better. this is from my experience. but trust me, things can and they will get better.
i will keep you in my duaas sis. i really pray that you and your family will be ok.

 

[ahmed_indian]

may Allah help you. Ameen

try to read Quran's translation and prophet's biography. insha'allah u'll get more imaan and patience.

if possible, try to have some religious friends to console u.

 

[AnonymousPoster]

When you leave everything in Allahs hand ....you will see Allahs hand in everything...

My duaas are with you sister....Keep on holding on....if its so bad....it can only get better.

 

[جوري]

Thought you might like to take a look at this:
http://www.collegenews.org/x4285.xml

from homeless to Harvard is the title and indeed the topic of the post..
a real life inspirational story, about a girl who was homeless, her mother died of AIDS, not having a real home, when she applied to school, she didn't even have an address just to get her foot into the door, her father was also diagnosed with AIDS.. she had positively nothing, you can't get any lower than this..

All she did was work really hard-- and as the title suggests from homless to Harvard is exactly where she ended up because of hard work and dedication.. so what ails you?

pls remember that no matter how awful things appear to you, there is always folks worst off than you, far much worst.. if you truly desire to make it as a doctor, then you'll need to work extremely hard and be extremely diligent.. as a doctor, you'll be responsible for people's lives, you'll not get enough sleep, and you'll need to make executive decisions at all times, you'll also need to prioritize and you'll need to do exactly as is asked of you from your preceptors..

So how can you, when even what God asks of you which is for your own good, you aren't able to make good on?

Everything as pertains to you is in your hand, if you walk aright and dedicate yourself..

Allah swt helps those who help themselves and Allah swt doesn't change people until they change their ownselves ..

 

[Yanal]

Ameen to all duas keep faith and do dhikr inshAllah Allah will ease all your pain. Ameen!

 

[Woodrow]

Suicide is a major enemy of todays youth. It is in epidemic stages in many places and today is the one of the leading causes of death among teenagers.

How did this dreadful situation come about? Who is to blame?

I do not see it as a failure of our young people I see it as a failure of my generation. What message did we give our young people that makes our children and grand children feel that life is hopeless? Perhaps we sent the message that the key to happiness is material success and not obedience to Allaah(swt). Perhaps we gave the impression that wealth and academic accomplishment is the highest value of life and not pleasing Allaah(swt) Perhaps we told our children that we will not love them, unless they accomplish more than anything we did.

Perhaps we lied to our children and led them far from the straight path.

No matter what the cause, we brought it about and it is now our responsibility to let our children know they are loved and that their own goals are of even greater value than the goals we tried to set for them.

Just my own thoughts and my personal message to all young people, especially those who are now going through suicidal thoughts:

My child, I am so deeply sorry for having stolen your future and took your resources to make my goals easier to achieve. Please forgive me and please make Du'a that Allaah(swt) will have mercy on me for giving you such a hard task at finding peace in this messed up world my generation caused.