taking the leap of faith [marriage]

[anonymous]

*sighs*
i really dont know where to start with this, but im just going to write down my thoughts and feelings for a minute. i fear marriage. i fear men and having to rely on men. i dare say, i hate men. no, im not a feminist, anything but. but why do i feel like this? becuase i have seen my mother put up with domestic for 27 yrs of her marriage becuase ive seen her getting beaten almost everyday imsad. we had lived in discomfort, almost terror if you like becuase of a man. i dont even want to get into the details.
not to mention 2 of my sisters have had bad marriages. one is divorced, alhamdulillah. i dont like seeing my sister divorced but that guy was just low. 1st he spoke to my mum rudely, 2nd he didn't let my sister open the door for my dad when my dad went to visit my sister one time. why are men so insecure about their in-laws! so pathetic :raging:

i dont like talking abut very personal issues like this, but it is seriosuly killing me and i don't know who else to talk toimsad

i know most Muslim men arent like that these days and that these habits are slowly fading out, alhamdulillah, i know it in my heart. but to take the leap of faith and to put your trust in a man is something on a whole new planet. its huge and it makes my stomach turn just thinking about it. i know men dont beat up their wives, but there are other characteristics in them that i simply despise and that haven't faded out. most men marry women to cook, clean and to warm thier beds not to mention just for someone to obey them. i dont want to be used like this as im sure many other sisters dont. men just want marriage for themsleves, but i want marriage for me as well.
i dont want to lose my family and parents to please some idiot person who obviously lacks in character for having me to cut ties with my family. what kind of honorable person does that? i dont want to cook and clean for him becuase i am his maid, and that he is too lazy to do these things for himself. give me a break. i dont mind the cooking and cleaning per se, its his reasoning's behind it that makes me want to puke. im a human being not an animal. it annoys me how men want their wives to pamer, love them and give them attention, but its such a bad thing for that to reciprocated. a husband cant give his wife affection, because somehow she will become dominant over him :hmm:

women have to put up with a husbands bad attitude and manners and being away from her family and all these other types of emotional problems because apparently a woman can handle these things better then men, and yet funnily you'll find the exact same men who say these things, will be more than happy to admit that women are the "crooked, emotional hormonal and deficient in the mind." i thought that very reasoning would be the very excuse for her to get away with murder, and yet it is the complete opposite.

i could go on, but i have to shut up as this post is already too long.:hiding:

i dont want to lose my personality and who i am becuase i have to change for some man. i know compromise, etc is a must in marriage, and i would be willing to do that, but where i get walked all over and used and have my personality molded into something else that i dont even recognize is not what i call compromising. i want to be myself, even after marriage. im very content with who i am and i appreciate myself for who i am, so why cant anyone else? why do i have to change? why cant he like me the way i am?


so now the problem and question arises. if a man who has every other good quality, and i feel this is the main reasons for him to marry me, am i in the wrong for rejecting him? am i wrong in rejecting someone who wants someone to cook and clean for them. if there was some other choices, maybe it would be valid to reject men with these mentalities, but i dont have any choices, do i? its either get married to some fish, or its wait till im so old that no one will marry me. there seems to be no middle ground.

but then, even if i did ignore all those bad habits in him, and married him regadless of these bad habits he has, i will regret that i married someone like that later on.
also, what if i see all them good habits and forget his bad, important ones? i dont want my emotion to cloud my judgment.

now anyone reading this would think im a spoiled brat and that i should just accept anyone and that the sisters these days have been deluded by the west and it was better when we forced sisters into marriage and they couldn't speak up. im sorry, if you are someone who thinks like this, do me a favor and whack yourself across the head becuase if i was able to, im not sure that i wouldn't hesitate.

every time i hear that proposal comes, this is one of the reasons why i cringe. i will see the good sides he has, and the other sides im going to forget. i dont want to ignore my preferences and wants in a husband, but at the same time i fear im being too fussy and that no man will ever come who fulfills all my preferences. i know it sounds like i want perfection, but wallahi i dont. i just want someone who fulifls what i want. i dont ask for much, i just ask for sincerity and honesty and for him to be genuine and good treatment, but unfortunately most men dont give that out unless it is for thier own advantage. men are so obsessed with having the upper hand in the marriage, its the wife who always has to put up with it and get the bad end of the stick. im over it, and i dotn what my marriage to be like that.

 

[Cabdullahi]

I understand your concerns and as a concious person its ok to have these fears you just want what's best for you, everybody does!

but saying that you might be rejecting marriage is a bit extreme,its a risk yes but if you do all your homework regarding the person you're going to marry then allah will make easy the process

The world is too big of a place and you will find a husband who cooks and helps with the cleaning....2,174,605,518 males in the world aged between 14 to 64 surely you'll find someone good inshallah

man is not always man because he doesnt do what is required of him thats why woman becomes a man to fill in for him

keep your hopes up!

 

[zakirs]

Sister

Believe me i know exactly how you feel.But don't worry not all men are bad.Its in your hands to make sure you do good in your selection.Since in Islam you have every right of saying no to a bad person , make sure you marry only a person whom you feel you can believe in.

Or else if you already know of a good man , why can't to ask your parents to ask for marriage to his wali.


And last but not least.. be independent , try a job.My mom had to put up with some of these issues, but the things that kept her going was , she had a job and great mom.I don;t know about job but i guess you have a great mom.Make sure you are independent too and Just choose a great man.

And remember Not all men are alike.

 

[S_87]

sister, its natural to feel this way after witnessing first hand an unhappy abusive marriage. but not all men are like this, indeed these type of men are cowards. Not all men want women just to cook n clean for them, they want companionship and a partner for life too. a lot of women look at men as if they dont have a heart (not saying you but generally) and they cant get hurt, they dont feel. but u can find a sensitive man who loves respects and honours you. sure hes not going to be perfect, but who of us are?
and sure youre going to have to compromise, but so will he. youre two people, not one and some things may have to change, but he may have to change some of his ways too. it may not be so obvious that u know he changed, just like some things u change may not be directly noticeable to you.

as i said your views seem to be from what you experienced growing up and that isnt easy to over come, but inshaAllah u can find someone that will respect honour and love you and youll be very happy with him

 

[Cabdullahi]

The problem is psychological and the only help we can offer you is to restore your confidence and reassure you that there are males who do cook and their personality is as sweet as the best biscuits you've ever had inshallah!

the brothers are slowly but surely making great leaps forward by doing their own cooking

check it out!

Taken from:

''Cookery for men''

The liquid is ofcourse measured in a jug and in ml...and the powdery substance [the solid] is measured in grams...but being a lad, i am not fully equiped, as all i have is a scoop and a spoon that both measure in ml but im told to use the same scoop for measuring out the grams...

many thanks all! Thumbs up!

Taken from:

''the best chapati in the world''

you guys are bad....and getting the shape correct is so hard how do you make it circular??

[/IMG]

 

[AnonymousPoster]

May i have u attention my sisters.
Nowadays, women place much importance on money and what the suitor can provide financially to the bride.Their families like living on appearance and how people will look at them.It does not make to me any difference is this man is not religiously committed or with good mnners.The outcome u have just read it.This reflects negatively on women lives to the extent that they hate themselves and the day they marry.
WE ARE GGOD AT WORDS BUT WITH LITTLE DEEDS.
MY FATHER DO NOT SELL U DAUGHTER TO EVIL MEN.My mother fears ALLAH and GIVE U DAUGHTER TO A PIOUS.
what the use of living in a luxirious house and having a car if my daughter is living in hell.

 

[Thinker]

The situation you describe can only exists in a culture that allows it to exist. That culture usually involves restricting the female’s development towards independence. Independence comes with an education that enables her to get a good job with a decent salary. If wonder how many abusive husbands would get away with it if their wives could walk out of the door knowing they had an independent secure future.

My advice to you is (if you can) get educated, get qualified, get a good job, feel the freedom and confidence that comes with independent secure future and you will find that the men that want to control and abuse you will stay clear.

 

[Ansariyah]

First of all sis u seem to have a good head on ur shoulders, so I doubt that anyone will fool u so easily. Which is the main reasons why so many people end up wit messed up people. Some guys have this front exterior personality n people go all ooo laa laa about it, but wen u live wit them the real face comes out to shine. I hope we never end up like that.

But this is not the case for everyone, some people are really wonderful n they only have 1 face! I know this is rare these days but they do exist!:sunny:

Be patient & make dua that Allah grants u wats best.

Wit ur background I dont blame u for the way u think but i just hope that wont cloud ur judgements when it comes to genuine nice..cause it wud be such a shame if u let someone special pass u by.

 

[cat eyes]

muslim women only deserve the best from there husband because they are Queens and they should not settle for anything less! i have went through those stages myself just like how your feeling and i actually thought why do we need to get married its such a bloody headache and why anybody needs this tension but the only reason why i was thinking like that is because to have a successful marriage you need a good man and its hard to find a good man to suit you

 

[IbnAbdulHakim]

all your issues come from men not following islam properly


sis if you marry a man who fears Allah - who Obeys his commands and likewise expects you to. Who follows the sunnah and Loves Rasoolullah sallallahi alaihi wasallaam then i GUARANTEE your fears will be put to rest.


I sincerely hope you find a husband who treats you as A husband should treat his wife.

Ameen

Assalamu Alaikum

 

[OurIslamic]

You aren't relying on anyone through marriage.