tangled marriage mess - help!

[mariyyah]

I think in the case of the sister hes only using her and her finance and the rest from him is only a story at the end he will settle with his wife and daughter and have a job

 

[Muslim Woman]

I am a relatively new American revert (about 3 months now)

Welcome to Islam. May Allah increases His blessings in your life.

Please help me find the right path through this tangled mess!!!

Sis , do u know how to offer istekhara salat ? Ask Allah for guidance through this salat and supplication before taking an important decision.

 

[Danah]

Welcome to Islam. May Allah increases His blessings in your life.



Sis , do u know how to offer istekhara salat ? Ask Allah for guidance through this salat and supplication before taking an important decision.

^ short, brief and up to the point. MashaAllah sis, may Allah preserve you!

for the thread starter. Keep in mind the future problems you may have with his wife, his family, and your family as well.....and in all cases, you will be the one who will got hurt most.

But above all pray Istikhara (a prayer to seek Allah's wisdom in something you are not sure about, InshaAllah Allah will guide you to the right choice)


May Allah grant you a happy life and chose the best for you sister

 

[cat eyes]

sis how löng have u been a revert? I think its clear you need to learn more about the deen and he is well aware you have very little knowlegde about anything. Its not the womans job to be supporting her husband even if she is rich and the guy has little money, the wife dont have to give a cent to him! The wives money is her own money. A decent man would not want that his wife to be supporting him as its not sunnah! Sis how would u feel everyday u going to work and then him sitting on his bum all day everyday? Sis that would be extremely annoying for any woman you dont realise it now but you will do! Then imagine when his family come over. I have a feeling hes totally taking advantage of the fact you have very little knowledge about anything! Temporary marriage has no part in sunni islam! It might be all a big game who knows people are hungry to get residence in usa. they wil go to extremes. Get a american woman pregnant or anything! Everybody wants to live in usa including myself lol look sis hes from iraq...do u realise how bad things are in iraq?? People would chop off there right arm 2 come to u.k or america! How do u know he is even talking with his wife bout the stuff he told u? They speak in a different language. Hes probably telling her i need to use ths american woman to get us all into the country get ur passport to sponsor them then wen his wife comes over get her pregnant b coz if they av a child in the usa they cant deport them they can be cum citizens! Sis its all a big game dnt fall 4 it. As i said everybody wants to live in america! The land of opportunities and niave women.

 

[cat eyes]

Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger...

Wait... actually that's exactly what I am saying. If you have love for this guy then forget income, forget all else, just wait and see if he chooses you.

Brother Ferown i do not accept ur apology! You straight forwardly called your sister in islam a gold digger! I have never came across such ignorance in my life since my time on this forum! Shame on you. Until you wil admit you were ignorant and you apologize properly only then will i accept it!! It was totally irrelivant for that nasty cold hearted remark!! Let me remind you this is a islamic forum.

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

Brother hamza 81 but there is a conditions to marry more women in the islam , you cannot marry a second wife as a virgin because you want to enjoy your self but the women you can marry like a widow or a poor divorced women with childrens kind of a women who need your help and support but not for enjoyment

Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, the Qur'an conditioned the permissibility of marrying more than one wife with justice and fair treatment. It is a grave sin to treat the wives unequally. Any man who wishes to take a second wife also has to meet the important condition of fair treatment of all his wives. The verse quoted above includes the command to treat wives equally, and anyone who is unable to do so should marry only one wife.

Equal treatment includes all social, economical and physical needs. It is very difficult for human beings to be completely fair, a fact which is recognised by the Qur'an:

'You are never able to be fair and just as between women, even if it is your ardent desire: but turn not away (from a woman) altogether, so as to leave her (as it were) hanging (in the air)... (Surah al-Nisa, 129).

The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said:

'A man who marries more than one woman and then does not deal justly with them will be resurrected with half his faculties paralysed' (Sahih al-Bukhari).

However, this refers to aspects that are within the capacity of a man such as equal treatment with regards to social, economical and physical needs. As far as the inclination of the heart is concerned, then that is beyond the capacity of a man.

My sister there is no such condition that the women who is to be a second wife must not be a virgin. We should be very careful before making such false statements because we may mislead others.

As long as the man treats both wives equally,fairly and justly as is mentioned above then Islamically there are no restrictions on him especially not the one you mentioned.

 

[Danah]

I told him this today, and he offered another suggestion. He suggested that we enter into a mut'ah for six months to see how it goes when she gets here. All of the "fun" and none of the commitment - how does that make it any better?

Sorry sis I didn't notice this. He must be from Shi'a...Mut'ah marriage is not allowed at all cases.
Read the fatwa and the ruling of Mut'ah marriage sis, and be careful of this man if he is from Shia....May Allah protect you sis.


Read it here from Islamqac.com:
Mut’ah marriage and refutation of those Raafidis who permit it

Mut’ah marriage and ‘urfi marriage


Seems that you are a new revert dear, so you gotta read more about Shi'a and their belief I wish I can PM you but you are still a limited member and if you got my PM you will not be able to reply yet.

 

[MSalman]

As-Salamu Alaykum

sister, as few others have advised, please do istikhara and make dua'a and then do whatever your heart is settled with. Secondly, you should be consulting with your local Imam or someone knowledgeable about this issues because on forums you will mostly find young people with their hasty conclusions and fatawas from bunch of laypeople.

Allah's Messenger (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said: "Allah shall not take knowledge away from people's hearts forcefully. Knowledge will be taken away (i.e. dead) when scholars die so that when no scholar is left, people will take and look up to ignorants to ask for Fatwa. They will ask them and they will answer them with no knowledge resulting with misguidance for others besides their misguidance."

 

[AnonymousPoster]

Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger...

Wait... actually that's exactly what I am saying.

I agree and it doesn't matter by what means.

 

[seekingsolace]

To answer a few questions that have come up in the replies:

No, he is not the reason I became a revert. My journey to Islam began ten years ago. A good friend and classmate from Kuwait shared his faith with me through many conversations while working in the lab. I had been an amateur student of early Christian history for most of my adult life, and was painfully aware of the discrepancies between the oldest manuscripts of the Bible. I could not believe that God would allow His Message to be corrupted for the rest of time without sending someone else to correct the mistakes. Then, over time, I realized that He had.

Back to the matter at hand - in his defense, he has never asked me for any financial support, and I have never offered. Yes, I could, but that doesn't mean I will. Of course I would never allow them to fall into misfortune. The only thing we have ever discussed that I volunteered to pay for was Hajj for both of us if we were married.

I have decided that he and I will remain friends only, and that when his wife comes I will try to be a good friend to her too inshallah. He has no other American born friends who can help her learn how to function in this culture. She is also Sunni, and will be surrounded by the Shi'a who make up the majority in our small community. I have told him that if they do not work out and if I am still single, I would consider permanent marriage to him when and only when his divorce is final with her.

I will hopefully be leaving this area in August inshallah to take a position with another facility that may be more accommodating in terms of hijab, prayer, etc. The new position is near Washington DC so perhaps there will be a brother there who would be a good match. The time between now and then will give me a chance to grow in knowledge of the deen.

Thank you all again for your wisdom!

 

[جوري]

I haven't followed the entire two pages here, but as it has unraveled in your first post in such a tangled way, I believe that the best thing to do is untangle yourself from it.. the more variables you have to complicate your life the more unhappy you'll be. And you should love yourself most of all if you are to share and give that love to others.

I am not even sure 'friendship' with his wife is possible at this stage, there will be culture shock and adaptation and personal convictions and baggage brought over that has nothing to do with the religion. I think it is best you walk away from this cold Turkey and have faith that Allah swt will grant you that which is better. I would take the timing of this event as a strong note that he is meant to be with his wife and daughter and you too are meant for something good that will not break your heart and afford you some mental stability. Don't sell yourself short because of emotions.. no matter the sort of emotions that they are whether it is sympathy or concern or love. They are a transference that is improperly placed at this stage and insha'Allah at the right time when meant to be you'll be with the one you are truly meant to be with..

I wish you the best insha'Allah and Eid mubarak

 

[Dagless]

hmm I already told you, it's not wise cos there's many other factors involved for example, another women, kids, permnant stay it's not as black and white as you make it out to be and the (prophet peace be upon him) told us the criterion of what to look for and he didn't say "if you love them forget everything else" as you say. And who gives better and more wiser advice than the prophet of Allah peace be upon him.

And just because you love some 1 it doesn't mean they're the right person for you, for example Muslim's fall in love with non muslims does that mean they should marry them??

women fall in love with abusive men does that mean they should marry them?

women fall in love with men who womanise does that mean they should marry them?

should she still marry him if he's after getting permanant stay in the USA?

according to your theory they should, cos as you said "if you have love for the guy then forget his income, forget all else just wait and see if he chooses you"

Love is an emotion that you feel towards a particular person, it doesn't guarantee that person is right for you, but if you follow the advice of the prophet (saw) and look for what he advised then inshallah you'll find a righteous partner who improves you in your religion and helps you to get to jannah.

as they say love is blind a person could be the worst person in the world for you but because of your love for them you don't see it till they hurt you.

And I know the girl has a good income I never said she never, I said you shouldn't criticize a person by calling them a gold digger because they look at man's income.

and my basis for saying this was the fact that Islam makes it a requirement on the man that he has the ability to provide food and clothing for his wife.

sorry if I hurt any egos when I was speaking of what the prophet peace be upon him and the religion of Islam advises.

And I apologize to the sis for taking her thread to another direction, if you would like to discuss further akhi pm me as it's not fair for the sis that her thread be hijacked like this.

I don't think its hijacking the thread if its directly related to the sisters question.

Firstly, what the prophet (pbuh) said is obviously best and most correct. There was no intention to dispute that in any way.

Your whole response can be condensed into "she may love him but sometimes we love things which are not good for us"... and that's fair enough, but in grey instances such as these we can only make that call in hindsight.

If she leaves him and marries someone else who can support her financially, but then a week later he loses his job, she will be in a comparable situation minus the love.

All my responses are based on the fact we don't find people we can love entirely for being them too often.

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

To answer a few questions that have come up in the replies:

No, he is not the reason I became a revert. My journey to Islam began ten years ago. A good friend and classmate from Kuwait shared his faith with me through many conversations while working in the lab. I had been an amateur student of early Christian history for most of my adult life, and was painfully aware of the discrepancies between the oldest manuscripts of the Bible. I could not believe that God would allow His Message to be corrupted for the rest of time without sending someone else to correct the mistakes. Then, over time, I realized that He had.

Back to the matter at hand - in his defense, he has never asked me for any financial support, and I have never offered. Yes, I could, but that doesn't mean I will. Of course I would never allow them to fall into misfortune. The only thing we have ever discussed that I volunteered to pay for was Hajj for both of us if we were married.

I have decided that he and I will remain friends only, and that when his wife comes I will try to be a good friend to her too inshallah. He has no other American born friends who can help her learn how to function in this culture. She is also Sunni, and will be surrounded by the Shi'a who make up the majority in our small community. I have told him that if they do not work out and if I am still single, I would consider permanent marriage to him when and only when his divorce is final with her.

I will hopefully be leaving this area in August inshallah to take a position with another facility that may be more accommodating in terms of hijab, prayer, etc. The new position is near Washington DC so perhaps there will be a brother there who would be a good match. The time between now and then will give me a chance to grow in knowledge of the deen.

Thank you all again for your wisdom!

Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, my sister i think it is best that you cut off relations with him completly because as long as you are there then it will give him the excuse to treat his wife badly and he may not fulfill her rights. Leave him be and get on with your life. Also there is no such thing as freindship between a man and a women because a man and a women have been created to be attracted to each other and when a man and a women are together then shaythan is always third party.

My sister do not lose hope, you are a wonderful person who will make any Muslim man very happy and you should keep this in your head. Just because your not married yet and have'nt been with anyone for a few years it does'nt mean you should lose hope of finding the right person to marry.

My sister get involved with sisters groups, meetings,circles and go to sisters Islamic classes and learn learn learn as much as you can because knowledge is SO SO important because if we have little knolwedge then we will be susceptible and vulnerable to being misled.

My sister ALWAYS have FULL hope, faith, trust and reliance in Allah because if you do things the right way then he will find you the perfect partner for you inshallah who will lead you towards the right direction, not someone who is already married and gone behind his wifes back to get to know another women and is willing to ruin her life and hurt her and take her daughter away from her, just imagine if you were in his wifes position would you ever want to end up with someone like that? How do you know in a few years he won't get bored and do the same to you?

You will find the perfect person for you who wil lead you towards Jannah just do things the right way and have hope in Allah because out of EVERYONE he chose YOU and gave you imaan(faith) and he he does'nt give imaan to everyone, so you think he won't find you the perfect partner?

Sister i just wanted to refer you to a brilliant Islamic E book in PDF file format for you to download and save into your computer and print and it is PERFECT for reverts and also those of us who need to build the foundations of our knowledge of Islam and i would recommend all of us to read it.

Islam: Beliefs and Teachings

http://www.islamicbulletin.org/services/details.aspx?id=267

Then from there you can build your knolwedge but try your best to get a reliable Islamic sister as a teacher and join a group of sisters so that you can be with like minded sisters who will help you in your deen.

The best of luck with everything sister and please remember me in your dua's. Allah hafiz

 

[Ansariyah]

I just dont like it that he's decieving his wife saying stuff like 'i hope she starts hating the US and then she can leave'. Thats just cold n so insensitive.

Why can't he just be honest, it'll hurt but thats better than a lie...

I understand that u guys want to get married but in that sisters defence please consider her feelings n remember that she too deserves happiness...If that isnt wit him be honest wit her.

 

[Salahudeen]

I don't think its hijacking the thread if its directly related to the sisters question.

Firstly, what the prophet (pbuh) said is obviously best and most correct. There was no intention to dispute that in any way.

Your whole response can be condensed into "she may love him but sometimes we love things which are not good for us"... and that's fair enough, but in grey instances such as these we can only make that call in hindsight.

If she leaves him and marries someone else who can support her financially, but then a week later he loses his job, she will be in a comparable situation minus the love.

All my responses are based on the fact we don't find people we can love entirely for being them too often.

not strictly speaking, the situation could be very different in that the guy won't be married to another women and have kids from another women and lying aswell as deceiving another women. as the messenger of Allah said "whoever lies and cheats the people is not from among us" and that's exactly what he's doing with the other women lying, deceving and cheating her.

Who knows he may also be doing it with the sister who started the thread. your right it will be slightly comparable but she wouldn't be worrying about the fact that her husband is islamically married to another women. and may be deceiving her to get permnant stay for his self and islamically married wife and kids.

as a sister previously mentioned the fact that he's willing to let his wife and kids move all the way to USA and continue a haraam relationship with the thread starter isn't really a good sign of character.

it's really insensitive and put yourself in his wife's shoes, your moving to another country to be with ur husband and he's hoping you hate it and leave so he can carry on a relationship with another women. poor women, he doesn't exactly scream out honesty.

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

if you aren't already married to him, please leave him. he seems to lack in character and honesty. is this what you want in a husband and marriage? go find yourself someone who deserves you. god knows what else he may be lying about :$

 

[جوري]

^^ agreed, I really didn't want to say those things that you have laid flat on the table, but how cruel is his version of the story toward his current wife and his daughter.. It isn't OK to to do that to your child even if you don't care for the feelings of her mother... A female child learns of men firstly from her father, so we not only have an absent father but one who wishes to two time the mother and conveniently have a brand new life.. well what about his wife, does she get a brand new life too or does she get to be discard as many women seem to be to some men?

Sob7an Allah

 

[cat eyes]

and you cant be friends with a married man! Its not islamic. How would his other wife feel?. Have you even thought about that? Sure anything could happen between you and him.... Its just morally not right. You are lowering yourself to his level maybe even lower. You would interfere with there marriage and just say if anything was to happen she'd bliame the fact that there was a woman in his life who he was not mean't 2 b even meeting and that woman will b you Allah will question you about it on the day of judgement and probably not punish the husband at all but punish you instead! Because friendship between male and female is haram and she already knows about u. I think things are not looking good sister. Look be wise. What i think you should do is repent for it all and leave this guy alone its not worth it. And im trying 2 find da best words to say it but fear Allah and the last day where we wil b questioned 4 everything we did in this dunya... You've been a muslimah for 10years now sister you should already know right from wrong. The wife whom is also ur sister would not deserve this!.

 

[glo]

Seekingsolace, that's a tricky situation you are in!
I can't help but wondering whether you made your decisions and choices with this man rather hastily ...

If it is only three months since you reverted to Islam, perhaps you should let yourself become more grounded in your new faith before you start making decisions about marriage.
Take one step at a time.

May God bless you and guide you. Salaam

 

[mariyyah]

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts and wisdom. It is true that I don't care about the money issue. Allah has blessed me far beyond what I deserve, so my income is such that I could support all five of us if I needed to without problem.

I spoke with him about it today. We are going next Saturday morning to meet with an imam whom we both respect inshallah. I suspect he will say much the same as you have said and I have concluded, that this is generally a bad idea.

I told him this today, and he offered another suggestion. He suggested that we enter into a mut'ah for six months to see how it goes when she gets here. All of the "fun" and none of the commitment - how does that make it any better?

He spoke with her on the phone (finally) yesterday. He told her that when she gets here, she will need to go back to school so that she can get a good job. She currently works in the legal system there, but her credentials and her English skills are insufficient to get anything much above unskilled labor here. She was furious with him, and started shouting on the phone asking why should she come in the first place. She has a good job, a nice house, a nice car, and lots of family and friends in Iraq. Here she will have nothing but him, and if he has his way, only half of that.

(it does seem as though his family back home likes to shout at him a lot....LOL)

So he tells me he's not even sure she will really come, and if she does he doesn't think it will work. I am thinking now this second wife business is more of a ploy to keep me bound to him until the first wife decides what she will do.

I could not help but to ask him what would keep him from taking a secret second wife on me if we did have a single marriage down the road. He laughed, of course, and said that with me there would be no need.

Right.

So I think I'm going to let the imam be the one to tell him the bad news next weekend. I will not say that it will be easy for me to do. Having been alone for the past four years, the offer of any companionship is tempting especially with someone who is otherwise so compatible.

But maybe temptation is the key word here....

I think I'll wait for something more honest and correct, even if it means I have to wait the rest of my life. I don't have the beauty, but I do have the other three qualities. Maybe one day a good brother will decide three out of four is enough?

Sister i told you but you still you dont want to understand , hes using you and your money hes playing with you taking his time until his wife will come then he will say bye bye to you and Mutaa marriage is not allowed in the islam is haram and is an enjoyment marriage for a short time most of the shiaa people who believe it but not sunne people please call him now and say its over and its finish and INSHALLAH may ALLAH SWT send you a good brother who can marry you because doesnt matter beauty for a brother who is after the hereafter and ajeer
Comon brothers here is there anyone interesting to marry a new sister in the islam and INSHALLAH you will have ajeer because shes a good women shes after halal marriage