teenage children - HELP!

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... as it turns out my daughter is coming down with a cold today - sore throat and headache.

Now I am having a moment of parental guilt for having been so tough on her yesterday ... :embarrass

Is there anybody in the whole world who gets this parenting thing right, I wonder??? :?
 
^ Nopes. Some just manage to make the best of the worst situations they have to deal with, especially with teenagers. I don't think you're a bad parent though, so don't be harsh on yourself. Give her space, but also draw her closer. I would consider limiting the internet access somewhat though, in a way that's not too harsh. Is there any hobby she used to be passionate about, which you can lure her into doing?

It's hard to stay patient with teenagers, cuz they're too locked up in their bubbles and I say this cuz I still sorta am in that bubble. :rolleyes: And it's hard being the kid too, cuz nobody understands that you want to be an adult and you want that respect and control over your life that adults get. They're kinda wound up in this whole thing where, like others said, they wanna change the world. And unloading the dishwasher, cleaning the house, cooking, etc doesn't quite seem like it's gonna help you and you can always do that boring stuff later in life, so they kinda roll their eyes, get annoyed at their parents, and are thinking scrap all that. As it is, they gotta go to school and study for exams and homework and all that... (And no, I was not / am not a tyrant of a teenager...:p)

Also, do you know who her friends are? You've met them / their parents to know whether they'd be a good influence on her? Always keep in touch with their parents, that's realllly important... And if they're online, then try to make sure she talks to you about them. 14 is a really impressionable age, and she can be easily harmed by people online who claim to be friends.

Hope she feels better soon btw!
 
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My worry and concern is, what if its not just a phase she will outgrow,? what if the cause is something much deeper and disturbing?

What then?? i believe if u wait for too long without solving it, thinking its just a phase she'l outgrow, u might not be able to help her in the future when she is a grown up..
 
^ That's why you give her space, but also draw her closer. By giving her attention and talking and letting her express herself, you find out what's in her head. And if she's not a big talker, then motivate her to express her feelings on paper...
 
I am a teen too.

When I was 14 or so I was sleeping all the time, 16 hours a day, and still felt tired. My mother said that was part of puberty, and she had felt like that too. I've seen one of my younger sisters go through a stage like that as well.

Also, the need for privacy and personal space changes dramatically with teenhood. A teen needs a place where they can be alone and unbothered by parents and younger siblings.

As for her staying at home on her computer, maybe that's what all her friends are doing too so she has nobody to hangaround with.

I am a stay-at-home-with-books-and-computer type teen myself. I am 2nd from oldest in a family of 7 children, so part of the hide in my room behaviour is just self defense. But I love, like and respect my mother very much and enjoy spending time with her (in controled doses).
 
glo said:
Would it be useful to encourage her to tell my (calmly), when she really wants to be left alone?
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Well, I guess so, but I don't know. My parents never really asked me that, they could just tell.

Basically, don't over complicate things. If you wanna' go shopping or whatever with her and she doesn't want to, then really don't force her. Gain her respect so that she knows you care and you're not going to force her into anything she doesn't want to do and then maybe just for your sake she'll go someplace with you.

Also, is she religious? If so, show her quotes from the Bible about children respecting parents, that works on me (with the Qur'an) lol when I really can't be bothered to go help with the shopping etc. if I ever have to.
 
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Jawharah said:
^ Nopes. Some just manage to make the best of the worst situations they have to deal with, especially with teenagers. I don't think you're a bad parent though, so don't be harsh on yourself. Give her space, but also draw her closer. I would consider limiting the internet access somewhat though, in a way that's not too harsh. Is there any hobby she used to be passionate about, which you can lure her into doing?
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We do restrict the internet time, and the computer is a 'family computer' in the sitting room - so there is no secrecy, and we always know who she is chatting to and which sites she visits.

It's hard to stay patient with teenagers, cuz they're too locked up in their bubbles and I say this cuz I still sorta am in that bubble. :rolleyes: And it's hard being the kid too, cuz nobody understands that you want to be an adult and you want that respect and control over your life that adults get. They're kinda wound up in this whole thing where, like others said, they wanna change the world. And unloading the dishwasher, cleaning the house, cooking, etc doesn't quite seem like it's gonna help you and you can always do that boring stuff later in life, so they kinda roll their eyes, get annoyed at their parents, and are thinking scrap all that. As it is, they gotta go to school and study for exams and homework and all that... (And no, I was not / am not a tyrant of a teenager...:p)
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You are putting things so well, it makes it easier for me to understand the struggles of teenagers. Thank you! :)

The bit about the housework makes me laugh! That's so true! :D
I often say to her: "I never had to help at home, when I was a child ... and it was really hard for me to learn when I became an adult and had to live on my own. So me teaching you now is going to make it easier for you later in life ...!!"
And she always rolls her eyes at me and says "I know, mum!" :okay:

Also, do you know who her friends are? You've met them / their parents to know whether they'd be a good influence on her? Always keep in touch with their parents, that's realllly important... And if they're online, then try to make sure she talks to you about them. 14 is a really impressionable age, and she can be easily harmed by people online who claim to be friends.
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I agree. Thats' really important. Luckily I know her friends from school (and most of their parents and home situations), and they sometimes come around our house.

Hope she feels better soon btw!
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School is finished. I think she feels better already!! :D
 
:sl:

This is a critical age. At this point in time, she is looking to find herself and shape her personality, which will be greatly influenced by who she spends ime with. Generally, parents lave their kids be, but try to become ppart of their kids life when the kid is experience some serious issues. At that point, the kid will reject their parent's actions thinking where were you when I needed you. So, the best advice I can give is to be constantly involved with her, learn how to be her friend (by listening w/o judging) and allow he to get used to you being involved in her life so one day if you need to take action to help her, she would not feel awckard and wounder why you are interested then. Does that make sense? I hope.
 
Mukafi7 said:
:sl:

This is a critical age. At this point in time, she is looking to find herself and shape her personality, which will be greatly influenced by who she spends ime with. Generally, parents lave their kids be, but try to become ppart of their kids life when the kid is experience some serious issues. At that point, the kid will reject their parent's actions thinking where were you when I needed you. So, the best advice I can give is to be constantly involved with her, learn how to be her friend (by listening w/o judging) and allow he to get used to you being involved in her life so one day if you need to take action to help her, she would not feel awckard and wounder why you are interested then. Does that make sense? I hope.
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I don't agree with you. Teens are very sensitive to what goes on around the, not like kids who only notice what concerns them. If your teen notices you spying in her private life, friends, etc, she won't forgive you for it easily. You'll loose her trust and even though you may manage to force your way into her problems and affairs, she won't ever come to you for advice or help if she has the choice.

A better way to get involved in your teen's life is to be her friend. Give her respect and equality and she'll respond with friendship and trust. Talk to her, don't force her to talk to you. Once she is your friend, she will come to you for advice in her problems. Do exactly that, give her advice, but don't try to force your solution on her. Don't solve her problem for her unless she asks for it. She is (mostly) a rational being who can handle the majority of her problems by herself.

Occasionally you'll need to force her to do something for her own good. Try to avoid this as much as possible. If it is inevitable, explain the reasoning behind it. She may not understand it then, but she might later. And try to leave her a choice between at least 2 options. It'll help her feel less cornered, depressed and desperate.

Don't force her often if you can help it. Every time you do, you'll loose some of that precious store of trust and friendship you've built up over time. If you use it faster than you regain it, there won't be any left very soon.
 
Haaallo,

Yes that sounds like me, believe it or not I am worse than that, I don't do NOTHING apart from what I want to do,

I say: leave her alone Miss.Glo Lol,

If my rents tell me to do something, or not to do something, most likely I would do the opposite of what they told me, after that, they don't ask again haha,

But I guess give her some space and she'll come round to doing it or maybe take turn in doing things so that she isn't left alone to do chores or homework, you're with her,

Buh bye.
 
^ LOL
I'd love to know your true identity, anon! :D
How old are you?
 
From a psychological viewpoint many teens become overwhelmed with the sudden impact of decision making, responsibilities so they revert back to a time of their greatest comfort,which would be babyhood. Totally cared for with all needs provided by others and no need for decisions.

It is almost always a temporary condition that seems to come and go usually lasting a few weeks at a time. However, if it persists for long periods at a time say 2-3 months I would be concerned about the possability of depression and seek a physical and psycholgical consultation.
 
glo said:
Now, I am the mother of a teenage daughter ...
I know that there are many youngsters here in this forum, so I come to you for advice.

My daughter is 14, and - as far as I can see - has no interests other than sitting in her room, playing her DS or spending time chatting to friends on the computer.
Okay, so I exaggerate slightly ... she also likes reading and she has just started playing the flute.

Thing is, she seems to have hardly any energy or motivation to do anything that requires an even small amount of physical effort. Housework, homework, her paper round, even going for a walk or to the shops ... everything seems too much!
She seems more like and old woman than a young girl!

I took her to the doctor to have her checked over and her iron levels tested. But physically she seems fine.

Is this a teenage thing?
What should I do? Be gentle and understanding (heck, I am not feeling understanding! :uuh:)
Be tough?

Please, young and old people out there, give me your thoughts and advice! :)

Thanks
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I wouldnt wory too much sis, that sounds like me n im 22!!!! Its just called bein lazyyyyy- iv bin like that al ma life Lol, i kno how it is. u wake up at 1, dont do a thing around the house, eat sleep watch telly, on 4n al nyt sleep l8 then cycle starts al over again

dats MEEEEE
 
Hey Glo Glo:P:P

Having just left my teen years I can tell you....not to worry! Your daughter is quite a normal teenager. Its possible, as other members have said, that she wants to be accepted as an adult. However, she may just be finding it difficult to cope with the transition process. Your daughter is probably going through many physical changes at the moment and it can be quite upsetting and even traumatic. I myself lost alot of confidence and did want to be away from everyone for a little while.

In my opinion, nagging never works.. it will only make them resent you. Just make her aware that she is responsible for her own mess and your not going to do it for her. Be firm with it and dont do it for her! Otherwise she will get used to being mollycoddled and wont learn to take responsibility for her actions. In my house everyone is involved in the cleaning and we do it together... like okay everyone lets spend 30 minutes cleaning and then you can do whatever you want for the rest of the day. Nobody will bug you.

Other than that, quite simply, be her friend. Dont over do it..just let her know that you love her and that you'll be there if she needs you. Let her approach you about her problems.

Try to find out what shes passionate about and support her and encourage her in her interests. Say she likes horses...you could arrange visits and maybe even horse riding lessons. She might be growing up but shes still your little baby...and she might not admit it but she still needs you. xx
 
glo said:
I sense that the boys here are having a different perspective! :D

I think my dauhgter would die if I took her to the skatepark! :giggling:
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:muddlehea im not a boy :mmokay:

Lol yah i kno, skateparks are only for wwhen ur brother forces u to watch all his tricks he can do...before he can do them..(so ur pretty much watching him learn:p)

But yah i think shopping is best. go to like a kwl mall or something...after she gets better that is. Hope she gets well :)
 
:sl:

When I was 14-15, I was lazy! Very lazy, all i did was eat, and play on the computer alot. I did not care about the housework and all that stuff. Untill my parents and my older sister decided to make a timetable for the housework, and if i did not do my job then i would not play on the computer for example.

When i was 15-16, I started playing sport. THis helped alot, it made me feel full of energy, and my self esteem went up. The diet is also very important. Lots of slow releasing carbohydrates and proteins! And ofcourse your 5 a day! These things really do help, I can assure u :)
 
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I am a teenager, the same thing is with me. My mom calls me morobbi - the eldest in the family. but she is not so worried about it that much. She thinks I am growing up and I should be given enough time to spent for myself.
Even in my studies she never pressurizes me Alhamdulillah and um doing fine with it.
Dont take this so seriously as time passes she will understand and can handle all the situations. She needs enough space to learn from life.
Be always kind with her and win her heart. She obviously loves you. Welcome her to come to you incase of any problem if you be too tough with her she will start avoiding you. If you be nice with her she is gonna be the one coming to you in case of any problem and share her feelings with you.
Just be nice and appreciating like my mom. Incase I am too out of track her kind advices and suggestions helps me out always.
 

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