The Damascene Room
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جوري
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It might seem odd indeed to some, but I don't wouldn't get pleasure writing for a contest even if there were a strong chance of winning or have my work 'discovered' so to speak.. It isn't an ambition of mine and a completely different direction and calling from the one I chose for myself.... I write for the love of writing, and I seek nothing in return... though it is nice when others are entertained or when I receive positive feedback...
Muhaba
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Beautiful story. Masha-Allah, you are a talented writer and I like your writing style too. Since i haven't read many horror stories, I don't know much about the genre to offer advice. however, you should explain the medical jargon as it won't be understood by everyone and can throw a person off. for example, what do purpura and azotemia mean?
Here's how it's done in one story:
"You were right to insist she be transferred from the rehab center. She has a deep vein thrombus."
The news snapped Jennifer out of her hormone induced haze. Her mother had a blood clot.
Trying to sound professional and not like the worried little girl she suddenly felt, she gulped and said, "Are her lungs clear?"
Shortness of breath had been why Jennifer insisted on the emergency room visit. Only then had her mother admitted to leg pain.
Dr. Wright raked long fingers through thick black hair. "Unfortunately, no."
Panic gripped Jennifer's chest, shortening her own breath. "No?"
Please, God. She couldn't lose her mother.
"She has a pulmonary embolism."
A blood clot had traveled to her mother's lungs and cut off blood flow to a pulmonary artery.
Weak-kneed at the seriousness of her mother's condition, Jennifer sank onto a waiting room sofa. ...
There are a few things that need to be fixed, for example missing quotation marks, starting a new paragraph everytime the speaker changes, interspersing dialogue with character thoughts and actions, etc. Also, you don't really need to show who's talking in every place. you can leave the tags out in some places, like for example in the following dialogue:
She smiled a strange sort of smile, and asked me whether , I knew how long she had to live? and I said ''We're all in God's hands at every moment'' -- ''Don't give me false hopes'' she said, to which I replied, '' I am neither the giver, nor the taker of hope''
''If you had to guesstimate then, how long would you give me'', I replied '' If it were me I'd get my affairs in order, and spend wisely my time''
''You' re probably wondering why I called you here?'' she said, and I, said nothing awaiting her to finish her statements.. a long awkward pause between us.
In the following part i think you should rearrange it so the part about her not wanting anyone to know about the gift is in the end. because one wonders how the doctor knew that she didn't want anyone to know because Ms D only said that she wanted him to have the gift. she didn't mention it was a secret., but since she told him to close the shades, that shows that its something she may not want anyone to know about. one also wonders why she would ask him to open the shades at the beginning when she intends to give him the gift. maybe the doctor himself opened the shades because it's not good for a sick person to lie in the dark or something?
another awkward pause between us, I wondered what I am to her, to be the recipient of a gift that she didn't want anyone else to know of-- she gave me a small rusty key, and asked me to open the small drawer to the far left on her dresser table but before doing so to close all the shades yet again, which I did.
in any case, it's a good story, you might want to submit at some writing contest? for example, http://lakeviewreview.com/
Here's how it's done in one story:
"You were right to insist she be transferred from the rehab center. She has a deep vein thrombus."
The news snapped Jennifer out of her hormone induced haze. Her mother had a blood clot.
Trying to sound professional and not like the worried little girl she suddenly felt, she gulped and said, "Are her lungs clear?"
Shortness of breath had been why Jennifer insisted on the emergency room visit. Only then had her mother admitted to leg pain.
Dr. Wright raked long fingers through thick black hair. "Unfortunately, no."
Panic gripped Jennifer's chest, shortening her own breath. "No?"
Please, God. She couldn't lose her mother.
"She has a pulmonary embolism."
A blood clot had traveled to her mother's lungs and cut off blood flow to a pulmonary artery.
Weak-kneed at the seriousness of her mother's condition, Jennifer sank onto a waiting room sofa. ...
There are a few things that need to be fixed, for example missing quotation marks, starting a new paragraph everytime the speaker changes, interspersing dialogue with character thoughts and actions, etc. Also, you don't really need to show who's talking in every place. you can leave the tags out in some places, like for example in the following dialogue:
She smiled a strange sort of smile, and asked me whether , I knew how long she had to live? and I said ''We're all in God's hands at every moment'' -- ''Don't give me false hopes'' she said, to which I replied, '' I am neither the giver, nor the taker of hope''
''If you had to guesstimate then, how long would you give me'', I replied '' If it were me I'd get my affairs in order, and spend wisely my time''
''You' re probably wondering why I called you here?'' she said, and I, said nothing awaiting her to finish her statements.. a long awkward pause between us.
In the following part i think you should rearrange it so the part about her not wanting anyone to know about the gift is in the end. because one wonders how the doctor knew that she didn't want anyone to know because Ms D only said that she wanted him to have the gift. she didn't mention it was a secret., but since she told him to close the shades, that shows that its something she may not want anyone to know about. one also wonders why she would ask him to open the shades at the beginning when she intends to give him the gift. maybe the doctor himself opened the shades because it's not good for a sick person to lie in the dark or something?
another awkward pause between us, I wondered what I am to her, to be the recipient of a gift that she didn't want anyone else to know of-- she gave me a small rusty key, and asked me to open the small drawer to the far left on her dresser table but before doing so to close all the shades yet again, which I did.
in any case, it's a good story, you might want to submit at some writing contest? for example, http://lakeviewreview.com/
جوري
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Jazaki Allah khyran for your encouraging words and feedback...
Generally, I don't believe that the medical 'jargon' so to speak has any bearing on how this story unfolds or the moral of it, I don't want the reader to go away preparing for a medical licensure exam or get lost in semantics rather get the sense of believability in the gravity of her medical conditions, the mere fact that I closed a paragraph with a number of ways of her inevitable passing one which is slipping into a coma is pretty self-explanatory over say footnotes on the pathophysiology of the ornithine cycle and its relation to other medical condition from which she suffered to a conclusive end.. Also I don't want to give an actual indication for a potential cause of death as she is an unusual case that could in all likelihood defy medical logic-- in such a case it would be a little difficult to reconcile or work around it, if I gave a definitive reason for her impending demise. The take home message of it is a woman on the verge of death who desires to live by whatever means...
foreshadowing in the story (any story) is best left open for the reader to decipher what s/he may. I find it rather intrusive on personal taste to dictate the meaning of any portent. Perhaps some readers indeed enjoy a bit more definition of medical terminology or the number of windows in a room or the significance of light or darkness.. I have always thought that the evocation of a particular emotion is better than describing it in many words-- as well it can read on multiple levels depending on what you are personally looking for.. It could be that I am trying to highlight her old age, it could be that light in means hope and shutting it out means loss of hope, it could be a signal defining heaven and hell, or life and death or good and evil-- the box itself may or may not be a secret, certainly members of her family knew that there was something strange about her.. the fact that they were anticipating her death in and of itself may not at all have anything to do with inheritance or hatred, rather disbelief that a woman who has outlived many is herself about to die?-- Also there is no telling if (she were to suck someone's life per se) that she wouldn't retrieve her box thereafter and share it with one or two other family members of her choosing? It appears indeed that she has done it before given the age of her eldest granddaughter and if there is one way about it, and she has her box back, it could easily denote that she full expects to retrieve it .. if I went to define everything for the reader, then all value and layering of it would be lost.. at least so in my humble opinion...
Jazaki Allah khyran, I appreciate you reading, input and feedback, I'll definitely heed your advise if/when I decide to write next..
Generally, I don't believe that the medical 'jargon' so to speak has any bearing on how this story unfolds or the moral of it, I don't want the reader to go away preparing for a medical licensure exam or get lost in semantics rather get the sense of believability in the gravity of her medical conditions, the mere fact that I closed a paragraph with a number of ways of her inevitable passing one which is slipping into a coma is pretty self-explanatory over say footnotes on the pathophysiology of the ornithine cycle and its relation to other medical condition from which she suffered to a conclusive end.. Also I don't want to give an actual indication for a potential cause of death as she is an unusual case that could in all likelihood defy medical logic-- in such a case it would be a little difficult to reconcile or work around it, if I gave a definitive reason for her impending demise. The take home message of it is a woman on the verge of death who desires to live by whatever means...
I agree indeed, and so I have professed that it needs alot of tweaking but I am pressed for time-- this is more of a vent/indulgent hobby than a full time career. Generally I didn't post it for syntax and structure though I realize their importance of course, but for remote entertainment especially for my own person.
I do hope you know that the protagonist of this story is a [she] perhaps indeed I have erred gravely in some part, for you to have walked away not knowing the gender of the principal character.
foreshadowing in the story (any story) is best left open for the reader to decipher what s/he may. I find it rather intrusive on personal taste to dictate the meaning of any portent. Perhaps some readers indeed enjoy a bit more definition of medical terminology or the number of windows in a room or the significance of light or darkness.. I have always thought that the evocation of a particular emotion is better than describing it in many words-- as well it can read on multiple levels depending on what you are personally looking for.. It could be that I am trying to highlight her old age, it could be that light in means hope and shutting it out means loss of hope, it could be a signal defining heaven and hell, or life and death or good and evil-- the box itself may or may not be a secret, certainly members of her family knew that there was something strange about her.. the fact that they were anticipating her death in and of itself may not at all have anything to do with inheritance or hatred, rather disbelief that a woman who has outlived many is herself about to die?-- Also there is no telling if (she were to suck someone's life per se) that she wouldn't retrieve her box thereafter and share it with one or two other family members of her choosing? It appears indeed that she has done it before given the age of her eldest granddaughter and if there is one way about it, and she has her box back, it could easily denote that she full expects to retrieve it .. if I went to define everything for the reader, then all value and layering of it would be lost.. at least so in my humble opinion...
I have no interest whatsoever in submitting it for any sort of review or contest, and I have actually stated as much in all my posts here...
Jazaki Allah khyran, I appreciate you reading, input and feedback, I'll definitely heed your advise if/when I decide to write next..
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Wow thanks for bumping. Awesome story sis mashallah :wub: