A had truelly shown her sincerety, and dedication to this whole relationship, and i felt i had to show it on my part too.
So i broke contact with all the other gurls i had, i blocked them and deleted their numbers too. I changed my sim for my phone.
When i'd go out, i'd lower my gaze without even knowing it was a command of Allaah already, maybe i was still on the fitrah [natural disposition Allaah created us all in] in some aspects?.. I'd reflect on all i had done before, i felt as if i had been climbing a mountain, but when i reached the top.. i had to ask myself; what was I doing there? Because at the end of the day, i would have to go back down again anyway.
“Those whom Allah wills to guide, He opens their breast to Islam; those whom He wills to leave straying, He makes their breast close and constricted, as if they had to climb up to the skies: thus does Allah (heap) the penalty on those who refuse to believe.” [Qur'an Sûrah al-An`âm: 125]
I was tired of life.. and the internal conflict was a massive trial for me.
Sometimes girls would stare, i'd look at them and get that weird feeling, but it wasn't like before.. i never had that innocence, i'd just block out my feelings. I felt like i was dead, yet i wasn't dead. I was wandering in the darkness.. of misguidance.
The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said,
"Temptations are presented to the heart, one by one. Any heart that accepts them will be left with a black stain, but any heart that rejects them will be left with a mark of purity, so that hearts are of two types: a dark heart that has turned away and become like an overturned vessel, and a pure heart that will never be harmed by temptation for as long as the earth and the heavens exist. The dark heart only recognises good and denounces evil when this suits its desires and whims.
Sahih Muslim, Kitab al-Iman, 2/170 (with different wording).
My heart was totally dead.. i never knew what pain was, i couldn't really distinguish between good and bad. Because, the good seemed evil, and the evil seemed exciting.
Promises were just words, they weren't nothing you had to keep. If you never wanted anyone, you'd just throw them away and move on with life. You never got emotionally attatched with no-one, because if you did.. you'd lose them anyway..
What K had told me, about A.. that hit me deep. It seemed amazing how something like that could totally happen. Maybe i reflected on it like that because S wasn't there to tell me how to think anymore?
I came back home after a long day of thinking...
Hey.
Hi.
hw r u?
i'm good thx, u?
Am gud lol.
lol
so i heard you went ice skating lol.
lol yeh, it was kool.
lol can you do it properly?
yeah, me and my mates.
aww.. i remember once i did it and i kept falling lol.
lol u just got to keep practising.
lol you might teach me one day maybe..
lol, i wish.
oh yeh, K told me what had happened.
what did he tell you?
about that guy..
oh, him. i told him i didn't want to.. i'm sorry.
What for?
About him..
but u said no anyway.. lol
yeh, i'm sorry though, if it hurt u.
nah, its ayt. don't worry too much, ok?
no, i just don't want to lose u again..
A, me and S are history now. totally.
But you still talk to her don't you?
Nope, i don't! lol
you really telling the truth?
yeah i am, u don't have to believe me.. but i know i am.
...
maybe i can work on it.. show my honesty, i'll work my way to gain your trust.
ok..
love u.. lol
lol u know i do.
ur a joker.. lol.
thanks for everything.
thanks, maybe i'll change myself now since the past is over.. a new start.. a new beginning?
Maybe she was special afterall?
i think he will realise now and start to change himself for the better inshAllah, that’s when people usually start to get their act together when there is a death or just contemplate on death, they realise live is too short.
interesting...
