To all Americans: Your independance has been revoked

[The Khan]

To the Citizens of the United States of America :

In light of the strong possibility you are about to elect an elderly
gentleman with a bad temper & a lady who thinks she can run foreign
policy because she can see Russia from her house as President &
President-In- Waiting of the USA & thus to risk Life As We Know It for
everyone else on the Planet, we hereby give notice of the revocation
of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths, & territories (except Kansas ,
which she does not fancy). She won't actually be in charge, but she'll
greet foreign leaders as necessary & not put her foot in it or vomit
on anyone at a state dinner.

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for
America without the need for further elections. You aren't very good
at elections, & unlike the ATM's from the same manufacturer, your
voting machines don't give receipts. So Prime Minister Brown will
instead choose someone who does not have his or her hand in the till &
has significant experience in running Big Things. You have not had
one of those for almost a decade & trust me, it is a big plus. And
there won't be any of that hanging chad nonsense & the 3 hour wait for
voting while poor or black.

Congress & the Senate will be disbanded. They have given away too
much of your money already to rescue incompetent business executives &
soon your American Dollars will resemble Zimbabwean Dollars in total
worthlessness There is no free lunch you know. Although we
originally let you get away with secession because King George was
robbing you blind, recent events demonstrate that your present leaders
are doing much worse things & unfortunately you have not noticed.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether
more than half of you still believe Saddam Hussein was behind 9/11.

Information to the contrary will again be provided by the rest of the
world & we request you read it this time & refrain from invading the
wrong country ever again if you possibly can.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminum, & check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as "favour" &
"neighbour." Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without
skipping half the letters, & the suffix -ize will be replaced by the
suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary
to acceptable levels. (look up "vocabulary" ).

3. Using the same 27 words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" & "you know" is an unacceptable & inefficient form of
communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be
adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter "u" & the
elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem,
God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. But we have a
lot of Bank Holidays you will enjoy instead. In our country we still
have several banks.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers &
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to
sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then
you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if
you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap & this is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what
we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, & you will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
will go metric with immediate effect & without the benefit of
conversion tables. Both roundabouts & metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline), roughly $9 per US gallon. Get used to it. Your
driving armoured cars to buy groceries is unnecessary, boorish &
killing the planet.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, & those things you insist on calling potato
chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in
animal fat, & dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. And the term
Freedom Fries will not be used in future. Lets remember the French
were right & you were wrong, though it pains me to say so.

11. We will require that people running things, like your government,
are at least moderately competent & not related by blood or bribes to
those who benefit from their decisions. We know it makes you more
cozy when your leaders know as little as you do, but, honestly, it is
short-sighted: you need doctors who know more about medicine, pilots
who know more about flying & leaders who know more about leading.

12. We respectfully request you give up this notion that Politics is
Entertainment, & that very complicated things have to be explained to
you in less than 15 seconds. If you wanted to have a democracy,
honestly, you really should have taken the time to understand things
abit before you voted. May I suggest the startling notion that
politicians don't need to look good to do a good job? And it really
is acceptable if they are a bit boring, so long as they do their
homework.

It's especially important as evidently you have not done yours. Poor
old Al Gore & John Kerry. And by the way, are you happy now that you
chose a Governor for California based on his teeth?

13. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as beer, & European brews of known & accepted provenance
will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable
as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth & it
can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British
Commonwealth - see what it did for them.

14. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
play English characters. Watching Andie McDowell attempt English
dialogue in Four Weddings & a Funeral was an experience akin to
having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

15. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind
of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough
will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities
to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every
20 seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of
nancies). Don't try Rugby -the South Africans & Kiwis will thrash you,
like they regularly thrash us.

16. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will
learn cricket, & we will let you face the South Africans first in
their country. The 7 out of 10 who don't own a passport will need to
get one first.

17. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

18. An Internal Revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776). Although this will raise your taxes,
remember that the Neoconservatives will no longer be robbing you blind
& so your Dollars will stop shrinking. Didn't you know that inflation
& government bailouts of huge companies were really paid for by you?

We must do something about your educational system. What on earth is
going on over there? Are you oblivious to the crushing debt you are
leaving your children? You might as well throttle them now.

19. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 PM with proper cups, never
mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) & cakes; strawberries in
season.

God Save the Queen. At least God won't instruct your President to
invade any more wrong countries."

 

[islamirama]

It shouldn't been revoked when they committed genocide of 150 million native americans to take over their land!

 

[The Khan]

Yes, true. 11.8 million killed. However, most of the killings took place after the revolution. The British and French themselves allied with native Americans during their wars in the New World with each other.

Generally, the British and French were always more tolerant in the areas which they occupied. Most of the settlers in the New World were poor, uneducated, and ultra-conservative. To them, winning the Indian wars by cutting their food supply was a good idea. Most Americans still think so.

To be fair, apart from starvation, most American natives died due to diseases from the Old World like smallpox which they were not prepared for.

 

[islamirama]

Native Peoples

• Beginning with Columbus (a former slave trader and would-be Holy Crusader) the conquest of the New World began, as usual understood as a means to propagate Christianity.
• Within hours of landfall on the first inhabited island he encountered in the Caribbean, Columbus seized and carried off six native people who, he said, "ought to be good servants ... [and] would easily be made Christians, because it seemed to me that they belonged to no religion." [SH200]
  While Columbus described the Indians as "idolators" and "slaves, as many as [the Crown] shall order," his pal Michele de Cuneo, Italian nobleman, referred to the natives as "beasts" because "they eat when they are hungry," and made love "openly whenever they feel like it." [SH204-205]
• On every island he set foot on, Columbus planted a cross, "making the declarations that are required" - the requerimiento - to claim the ownership for his Catholic patrons in Spain. And "nobody objected." If the Indians refused or delayed their acceptance (or understanding), the requerimiento continued:

I certify to you that, with the help of God, we shall powerfully enter in your country and shall make war against you ... and shall subject you to the yoke and obedience of the Church ... and shall do you all mischief that we can, as to vassals who do not obey and refuse to receive their lord and resist and contradict him." [SH66]

• Likewise in the words of John Winthrop, first governor of Massachusetts Bay Colony: "justifieinge the undertakeres of the intended Plantation in New England ... to carry the Gospell into those parts of the world, ... and to raise a Bulworke against the kingdome of the Ante-Christ." [SH235]
• In average two thirds of the native population were killed by colonist-imported smallpox before violence began. This was a great sign of "the marvelous goodness and providence of God" to the Christians of course, e.g. the Governor of the Massachusetts Bay Colony wrote in 1634, as "for the natives, they are near all dead of the smallpox, so as the Lord hath cleared our title to what we possess." [SH109,238]
• On Hispaniola alone, on Columbus visits, the native population (Arawak), a rather harmless and happy people living on an island of abundant natural resources, a literal paradise, soon mourned 50,000 dead. [SH204]
• The surviving Indians fell victim to rape, murder, enslavement and spanish raids.
• As one of the culprits wrote: "So many Indians died that they could not be counted, all through the land the Indians lay dead everywhere. The stench was very great and pestiferous." [SH69]
• The indian chief Hatuey fled with his people but was captured and burned alive. As "they were tying him to the stake a Franciscan friar urged him to take Jesus to his heart so that his soul might go to heaven, rather than descend into hell. Hatuey replied that if heaven was where the Christians went, he would rather go to hell." [SH70]
• What happened to his people was described by an eyewitness:
  "The Spaniards found pleasure in inventing all kinds of odd cruelties ... They built a long gibbet, long enough for the toes to touch the ground to prevent strangling, and hanged thirteen [natives] at a time in honor of Christ Our Saviour and the twelve Apostles... then, straw was wrapped around their torn bodies and they were burned alive." [SH72]
  Or, on another occasion:
  "The Spaniards cut off the arm of one, the leg or hip of another, and from some their heads at one stroke, like butchers cutting up beef and mutton for market. Six hundred, including the cacique, were thus slain like brute beasts...Vasco [de Balboa] ordered forty of them to be torn to pieces by dogs." [SH83]
• The "island's population of about eight million people at the time of Columbus's arrival in 1492 already had declined by a third to a half before the year 1496 was out." Eventually all the island's natives were exterminated, so the Spaniards were "forced" to import slaves from other caribbean islands, who soon suffered the same fate. Thus "the Caribbean's millions of native people [were] thereby effectively liquidated in barely a quarter of a century". [SH72-73] "In less than the normal lifetime of a single human being, an entire culture of millions of people, thousands of years resident in their homeland, had been exterminated." [SH75]
• "And then the Spanish turned their attention to the mainland of Mexico and Central America. The slaughter had barely begun. The exquisite city of Tenochtitln [Mexico city] was next." [SH75]
• Cortez, Pizarro, De Soto and hundreds of other spanish conquistadors likewise sacked southern and mesoamerican civilizations in the name of Christ (De Soto also sacked Florida).
• "When the 16th century ended, some 200,000 Spaniards had moved to the Americas. By that time probably more than 60,000,000 natives were dead." [SH95]

Of course no different were the founders of what today is the US of Amerikkka.

• Although none of the settlers would have survived winter without native help, they soon set out to expel and exterminate the Indians. Warfare among (north American) Indians was rather harmless, in comparison to European standards, and was meant to avenge insults rather than conquer land. In the words of some of the pilgrim fathers: "Their Warres are farre less bloudy...", so that there usually was "no great slawter of nether side". Indeed, "they might fight seven yeares and not kill seven men." What is more, the Indians usually spared women and children. [SH111]
• In the spring of 1612 some English colonists found life among the (generally friendly and generous) natives attractive enough to leave Jamestown - "being idell ... did runne away unto the Indyans," - to live among them (that probably solved a sex problem).
  "Governor Thomas Dale had them hunted down and executed: 'Some he apointed (sic) to be hanged Some burned Some to be broken upon wheles, others to be staked and some shott to deathe'." [SH105] Of course these elegant measures were restricted for fellow englishmen: "This was the treatment for those who wished to act like Indians. For those who had no choice in the matter, because they were the native people of Virginia" methods were different: "when an Indian was accused by an Englishman of stealing a cup and failing to return it, the English response was to attack the natives in force, burning the entire community" down. [SH105]
• On the territory that is now Massachusetts the founding fathers of the colonies were committing genocide, in what has become known as the "Peqout War". The killers were New England Puritan Christians, refugees from persecution in their own home country England.
• When however, a dead colonist was found, apparently killed by Narragansett Indians, the Puritan colonists wanted revenge. Despite the Indian chief's pledge they attacked.
  Somehow they seem to have lost the idea of what they were after, because when they were greeted by Pequot Indians (long-time foes of the Narragansetts) the troops nevertheless made war on the Pequots and burned their villages.
  The puritan commander-in-charge John Mason after one massacre wrote: "And indeed such a dreadful Terror did the Almighty let fall upon their Spirits, that they would fly from us and run into the very Flames, where many of them perished ... God was above them, who laughed his Enemies and the Enemies of his People to Scorn, making them as a fiery Oven ... Thus did the Lord judge among the Heathen, filling the Place with dead Bodies": men, women, children. [SH113-114]
• So "the Lord was pleased to smite our Enemies in the hinder Parts, and to give us their land for an inheritance". [SH111].
• Because of his readers' assumed knowledge of Deuteronomy, there was no need for Mason to quote the words that immediately follow:
  "Thou shalt save alive nothing that breatheth. But thou shalt utterly destroy them..." (Deut 20)
• Mason's comrade Underhill recalled how "great and doleful was the bloody sight to the view of the young soldiers" yet reassured his readers that "sometimes the Scripture declareth women and children must perish with their parents". [SH114]
• Other Indians were killed in successful plots of poisoning. The colonists even had dogs especially trained to kill Indians and to devour children from their mothers breasts, in the colonists' own words: "blood Hounds to draw after them, and Mastives to seaze them." (This was inspired by spanish methods of the time)
  In this way they continued until the extermination of the Pequots was near. [SH107-119]
• The surviving handful of Indians "were parceled out to live in servitude. John Endicott and his pastor wrote to the governor asking for 'a share' of the captives, specifically 'a young woman or girle and a boy if you thinke good'." [SH115]
• Other tribes were to follow the same path.
• Comment the Christian exterminators: "God's Will, which will at last give us cause to say: How Great is His Goodness! and How Great is his Beauty!"
  "Thus doth the Lord Jesus make them to bow before him, and to lick the Dust!" [TA]
• Like today, lying was OK to Christians then. "Peace treaties were signed with every intention to violate them: when the Indians 'grow secure uppon (sic) the treatie', advised the Council of State in Virginia, 'we shall have the better Advantage both to surprise them, & cutt downe theire Corne'." [SH106]
• In 1624 sixty heavily armed Englishmen cut down 800 defenseless Indian men, women and children. [SH107]
• In a single massacre in "King Philip's War" of 1675 and 1676 some "600 Indians were destroyed. A delighted Cotton Mather, revered pastor of the Second Church in Boston, later referred to the slaughter as a 'barbeque'." [SH115]
• To summarize: Before the arrival of the English, the western Abenaki people in New Hampshire and Vermont had numbered 12,000. Less than half a century later about 250 remained alive - a destruction rate of 98%. The Pocumtuck people had numbered more than 18,000, fifty years later they were down to 920 - 95% destroyed. The Quiripi-Unquachog people had numbered about 30,000, fifty years later they were down to 1500 - 95% destroyed. The Massachusetts people had numbered at least 44,000, fifty years later barely 6000 were alive - 81% destroyed. [SH118] These are only a few examples of the multitude of tribes living before Christian colonists set their foot on the New World. All this was before the smallpox epidemics of 1677 and 1678 had occurred. And the carnage was not over then.
• All the above was only the beginning of the European colonization, it was before the frontier age actually had begun.
• A total of maybe more than 150 million Indians (of both Americas) were destroyed in the period of 1500 to 1900, as an average two thirds by smallpox and other epidemics, that leaves some 50 million killed directly by violence, bad treatment and slavery.
• In many countries, such as Brazil, and Guatemala, this continues even today.

http://truthbeknown.com/victims.htm

 

[The Khan]

That's very interesting, thanks... quite contrary to popular refutations.

 

[barney]

LMAO!
Long Live good Queen Lizzy!

 

[The Khan]

Lol. I was wondering when you were going to post. ^^;

 

[barney]

Blame the French. If they hadnt sent troops and arms to the continental army then General Washingtons hidiously long line of defeats by Howe would have collapsed his cause and we would all be eating fish and chips instead of those addictive mcBurgers.

 

[The Khan]

Haha, lol!!!

 

[Keltoi]

Blame the French. If they hadnt sent troops and arms to the continental army then General Washingtons hidiously long line of defeats by Howe would have collapsed his cause and we would all be eating fish and chips instead of those addictive mcBurgers.

Actually the primary aid from the French was a naval blockade. The war was largely won by the time the French actually became involved. The British were weakened considerably by their adventure in the South.

 

[Keltoi]

Yes, true. 11.8 million killed. However, most of the killings took place after the revolution. The British and French themselves allied with native Americans during their wars in the New World with each other.

Generally, the British and French were always more tolerant in the areas which they occupied. Most of the settlers in the New World were poor, uneducated, and ultra-conservative. To them, winning the Indian wars by cutting their food supply was a good idea. Most Americans still think so.

To be fair, apart from starvation, most American natives died due to diseases from the Old World like smallpox which they were not prepared for.

Most of the warfare against the tribes took place after the revolution, but that wasn't because the British were any better in terms of their stance towards them. The French had a better relationship with the native tribes, that much is true. Mainly due to the business partnership they had with the fur trade. Beaver skin hats were very popular in Europe during this time period.

You're also mixing up time periods on the issue of food supply. Wiping out the buffalo was intended to starve the Plains Tribes out, which didn't take place until the middle and late 1800's. The policy in the South and New England was to either push them west or forcefully remove them west.

 

[barney]

It was similar to Iraq really in that the majority wanted British rule under Mad King George and a minority used terrorist tactics and house burnings /executions /tarring and feathering to overrule that. Amazing how Mel Gibson rewrote history.
Similar also in that America diddnt have a democracy and that it was fighting for one.(it would have got one eventually through peaceful means anyway)
Dissimilar in that a tiny professional army fought pitched battles against a foreign supported foe and was overthrown at Yorktown by a massive french force.
Rarely lost a battle but eventually lost the war. With an army fighting in europe, poor old Howe hadnt a chance of winning.

Anyway, it all turned out nice in the end.

 

[The Khan]

Most of the warfare against the tribes took place after the revolution, but that wasn't because the British were any better in terms of their stance towards them. The French had a better relationship with the native tribes, that much is true. Mainly due to the business partnership they had with the fur trade. Beaver skin hats were very popular in Europe during this time period.

You're also mixing up time periods on the issue of food supply. Wiping out the buffalo was intended to starve the Plains Tribes out, which didn't take place until the middle and late 1800's. The policy in the South and New England was to either push them west or forcefully remove them west.

Thanks Keltoi, I'm not getting it mixed up though. I'm aware that much of the warfare in North America took place after the revolution, as well as the food source thingy in the 1800's. I'm aware that the Genocides in Central and South America were done by the Spaniars and Catholics.

Anyway, it all turned out nice in the end.

Oh, really? :rollseyes

 

[barney]

Oh, really? :rollseyes

Yeah, apart from the Civil war and Genocide of the natives. That sucked a bit.

 

[The Khan]

Rofl! XD