Totally lost and unsure and needing help please

[brokensoul]

Hello everyone,
I am so glad I found this forum as I didn't know where else to turn to for advice or help. I hope I am posting in the right section.

I am an agnostic female born in the UK. I met a Saudi Arabian Muslim male 5 years ago and we entered in a relationship. It was the deepest loving relationship I have ever had. Even though he was very controlling - wanted me to quit my job (as he didn't like me working along side men) and asked me to give up my male friends.
I did everything he asked of me...I had no life outside of him. I was there for him when he needed me. He suffered depression and low self confidence. I did all I could to be there for him almost 24 hours a day doing EVERYTHING. I gave up my family for him too as they didn't approve of our future marriage. Just recently he revealed our relationship to his family and we were in the process of getting my visa approved for me to move to Saudi Arabia to be with him to get married.

He is currently away for work in the USA and I found he had a social media account. I noticed on that account he has added a lot of women (especially recently) more than 200 in his local area where he is staying in the USA.
I called him and asked him directly if he had female friends and he said no he didn't. I then screenshot everything from his social media account and he got mad at me and said that I was disrespecting him by asking him about his female friends. Then he revealed he was living with other women (sharing a place) and had close female friends. I was so hurt because I am not allowed male friends but he is allowed female friends. This sparked a big argument and i told him he had double standards and he said this was him, the real him and I should get used to it.
I begged and pleaded with him to respect me and our relationship and he said his 200+ female friends mean everything to him and he wont give them up for me. Then he broke up with me. I am heart broken. We are almost 1 month post break up and no word from him and I have stopped contacting him too.

I must add this man, prior to me and him getting together has been sleeping with prostitutes, had girlfriends he has slept with, watches porn regularly, drinks alcohol when he is not in his home country and makes a complete fool of himself. I put all that aside as he was doing all this before he met me but i don't think anything has changed. I am convinced he is sleeping with other women even while we were together as i never slept with him and wanted to wait for marriage (something he didn't like and was against and angry at me about).

I began to learn Arabic for him, learn to cook his traditional meals, wanted to convert to his religion, i wanted to do so much for him and gave up my life for him and still it wasn't enough for him. He threw me and our relationship away so he can keep female friends??
The female friends he has are approximately all 15+ years younger than him and the type that are 'half dressed' attention seeking party girls. Certainly no one i would see suitable for marriage!
After we broke up i fell into deep depression and i called him asking for help, to just talk to me, to be there for me and he laughed at me and said he was with his friends and had no time for me and also asked me not to contact again. He never did have time for me as friends, party, drugs and alcohol are always FIRST. He is very disrespectful and swears a lot too.
He owes me money but he has not given me anything back. I sent gifts over after we broke up and all throughout our relationship - he has not even said thank you and yet he has never bought me anything, not even once.

Please can anyone help me?
I am so hurt. I am crying all the time and my life has come to a stop.

 

[RisingLight]

Hey girl

If what you say about this man is true then know that he is so worthless that even an infinite number of him can not be compared to the toe of a muslim.You should still try to research about Islam as it is a wonderful religion with wonderful people.A muslim wouldnt even think of doing what this man is doing.

Even if I had a superpower to bring you and this man back together I would never do that because He clearly isnt the right for you.You deserve someone who appreaciates what you do ad doesnt control your life like you are his slave.

I have been there,I know what you are feeling and how hard it is to go through this alone.But I assure you,if you make up your mind that this guy isnt for you and you decide to let him go,in 1 year max you wont care about him anymore.

Hats off for wanting to wait until marriage.I respekt you a lot because of that.Women like you are rare,and you should be very proud of yourself for trying till the end to make this work while still keeping your dignity.

Try to start a new life and research a bit about Islam.Again I know how hard it is but I am sure you can do it.

All the best.Hope you feel well soon

 

[brokensoul]

Dear DyingLight,
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me and for your kind words of support and encouragement. I really appreciate it.
I love him so much but I don't think I can take him back this time. We have broken up in the past many times due to his behaviour and I was always the one to get in contact to fix things between us and every time he would call me rude and dirty names.
He never once discussed Islam with me and I did a little research on my own over the internet. He never once asked me to convert. But I wanted to do it to make him happy. Now I'm looking for myself rather than for him.
He used to tell me his ex girlfriends never respected his religion. I think they didn't because he doesn't either. He behaves like a disgrace.

I'm deeply broken. I loved this man with all my heart but I know he's no good for me. Now just to learn to move on and be happy again without him.

 

[RisingLight]

See? It is only been a month and you think this way.In 1 year you will be surprised how your feelings have changed.

Thank me by researching a bit more about Islam , for your own spiritual happiness.She has gone through a lot,she deserves it

 

[*charisma*]

I'm sorry this has happened to you. What this man is doing serves no purpose to anyone, not even himself. I know you are quite heartbroken, but just take this as a lesson and move on from him. A person who does not respect his own beliefs, his family, his friends, and the ones he claims to love is not a man worth loving. I'm sure your ego is shattered, but the only thing I can say is that sometimes people enter our lives for a reason and when the effects take place, it's time for them to go. You will have gained something spectacular out of this, regardless of the pain you're feeling right now. You will know what type of man deserves you. Also even though the relationship with your family may not be perfect, and you may feel humiliated, you can always go back to them and make amends. Be thankful that you didn't sleep with him because apparently it's nothing special for him. With time all things heal and with all the tears you've cried, you will see much clearer than you have before. Put him in your past and don't look back.

 

[AbdurRahman.]

Sister God has broken u up with him for a reason as he's not worth it and if you marry him he will probably continue with his promiscuous immoral lifestyle so be happy he is no longer in your life.

But I find it hard to believe u gave up everything for him and with him being 'controlling' u havnt given up ur virginity to Him yet although you're non-muslim so I'm finding your story a bit hard to believe and wondering whether this is just a ploy to give Arabs a bad name

 

[brokensoul]

I'm back again with the same issue but this time much worse.
He ended up calling me end of November crying and saying how sorry he was and wanted our relationship back. I agreed. He told me to standby while he arranged my ticket to come over to be together and get married.
I waited for him and he blocked me and won't talk to me.
My friend messaged him and he said he's now engaged.
I want back on his Facebook and I see on the 23rd of October he added an American lady as in a relationship.
He came back to me same time he is with her.
Now I'm lost what to do.
Do I message her screenshots of her conversation to alert her to his lies and cheating or let it go?
I located his brother on Facebook, is it acceptable for me to message the brother, to tell him what happened and to see if I can get my money back that this man borrowed from me?

- - - Updated - - -

End of October sorry he contacted not November

 

[Search]

:bism: (In the Name of God, the Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful)

Dearest sister:

Always remember you are valuable as a human being because Islam gave that value to every human being. Unfortunately, you met with a user and a liar and a cheat. This man does not represent Islamic character or what Islam teaches. Islam values human beings' hearts and teaches to not break hearts.

Unfortunately, sister, like many women, you made the mistake of measuring your worth in terms of the value a man deigned to give you. Please always remember you as a woman and a human being have independent value that Allah (God) gave you that you do not need to ever measure your worth through any creation's fallible eyes, including this man's.

Sister, you need to love yourself, which seems to me that you still have to learn to do; otherwise, you would not keep chasing this worthless man, giving your energy and focus to this man; honestly, you should move on rather than wondering on what you should do in regards to this man. I know what I'm saying is hard to do, but I believe that will be the best course of action for you because you should strive to completely forget and blank this man from you mind. Sister, a man's character is the currency with which you should measure the worth of a man. His character was so poor and problematic from the beginning, that is, having relationships with prostitutes and watching porn and drinking alcohol and as you said making a "fool" of himself in addition to later betraying you; you should never have taken him back, sister, because hoping a man will change for your sake is always a foolish hope when he couldn't strive to make that effort on his own.

Remember, sister, first you need to love yourself as an extension of the infinite love that Allah as Al-Wadud known as "The Loving" has given you and all creation without you ever asking; only then can you hope to attract a man in your life who will value you because you love yourself and see how infinitely valuable and precious you are as a human being and as a woman who deserves to be treated in the best way. I highly recommend that you study Islam and convert (if you find yourself inclined to do so), because despite this man's horrible treatment of you, maybe some good can out of your suffering in that you finally find God and peace in Islam and get a fresh start as a woman who will never in her life let a man use her because she sees herself as the valuable and precious human being you are and always have been.

Sincere Regards & Best Wishes,

- - - Updated - - -

:bism: (In the Name of God, the Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful)

Prophet Muhammad :saws: (peace and blessings be upon him) said, "Verily actions are by intentions, and for every person is what he intended." So, what I'm trying to communicate to you sister is that in Islam intentions matter a lot.

So, when you say you want to message this woman, do you want to do it out of (a) revenge and hatred for this man or (b) because you are sincerely concerned for this woman? If you are doing it out of latter, then of course you should feel free to message this woman; however, don't do it if you feel angry about this man's treatment of you because you are probably not going to feel any better. You are of course free to try to retrieve your money from this man, but again, try to reflect on what your intentions are: Do you hope to be able to regain the attention of this man? If so, then it would be better if you decided to make the intention to have whatever money you gave him be written as charity that you gave to him instead so that you may be rewarded on Judgment Day, as clearly this man's attention is poisonous to you and toxic to your life and well-being.

Live your best life, sister; that's the best revenge you can have on any person who does not recognize your worth as a human being.

Sincere Regards & Best Wishes,

I'm back again with the same issue but this time much worse.
He ended up calling me end of November crying and saying how sorry he was and wanted our relationship back. I agreed. He told me to standby while he arranged my ticket to come over to be together and get married.
I waited for him and he blocked me and won't talk to me.
My friend messaged him and he said he's now engaged.
I want back on his Facebook and I see on the 23rd of October he added an American lady as in a relationship.
He came back to me same time he is with her.
Now I'm lost what to do.
Do I message her screenshots of her conversation to alert her to his lies and cheating or let it go?
I located his brother on Facebook, is it acceptable for me to message the brother, to tell him what happened and to see if I can get my money back that this man borrowed from me?

- - - Updated - - -

End of October sorry he contacted not November