totally utterly in despair

[AnonymousPoster]

I need some advice and Islamic prospective

I went holiday than from nowhere I had to get married I didn’t want to get married but due to family pressure I had to I wasn’t brutally forced just the emotional talk and lot more other stuff which I cant really disclose but I was in a state. however I got to know the person he seemed really nice didn’t want to marry them I thought they were good person and I thought I would be happy with them he seemed really into me. However soon as I got married I don’t want to say bad thing about another person because I know im not perfect myself. But this is how I felt I felt like he was a different person I felt like I couldn’t express my thoughts or feelings if I say anything it would just break into argument he just wanted me to be something im not and feel things I didn’t. Like being all physical I didn’t feel ready to go through with things but felt like I had to plus I heard its sin.

I would be upset but i felt like my feelings wouldn’t matter they just wanted to be control of the situation and instead of solving things throw anger around. But I knew I had to try because I knew I gave my consent and there was no going back. But the whole time I was there I just felt this emptiness and loneliness I wanted to feel happy but I just couldn’t.

When I came back to uk I just felt so hurt I couldn’t believe I went through all that felt like I had to give up all my life and everything I am and they couldn’t give me bit of happiness back. I felt like everybody made me go through with it so that they could have a better life but at the end of it I had to live in it just for the sake of it. I was just so angry with my self I couldn’t believe I got my self in such situation. When I saw all my friends and them getting on with things it made things worse I was just stuck in the middle while everyone else was getting on with their own thing.

I just wanted to get away from it all I wanted to end it all I just hated feeling the way I felt. but I was too scared to be alone. However I done something silly in the middle when I came back I kind of put it aside and tried to keep my self busy and forget about things which didn’t help. I was just looking for a way to be happy. Before I got married there was someone wanted to marry me a really good person who cared for me more than I cared for my self however I never really gave it serious thought because they were from different tribe but I did speak to them few times which didn’t help because It played with my head more thinking some one who actually cared about me and not just wanted to marry me because of other reasons but it was my fault for not realising. I hated the fact that this person cared for me it kept playing in my head how things could have been. However I have let it go dwelling over what could have been even though sometimes its hard when some one shows you so much happiness you just wish you could have it. But I know that will never happen. We not in contact anymore I never met this person alone or nothing happened between us but I am ashamed to admit that it played in my head.

Believe me I didn’t want to think of all those things but my head was just full of regret I just saw the marriage as a mistake. Also other stuff like I started getting good wedding talks which played with my head more. I didn’t want to feel depressed about it because I wasn’t happy in my situation it just made things worse. One thing after another happened made me grow more apart from him now I just cant see a future with him.

The way I felt didn’t help we didn’t have much stuff to talk about face to face so it was worse over the phone. I just cant get out of my depressed mood its been going on for so long I feel so suffocated it doesn’t help that I cant find any comfort in him. But his being nice to me now and saying that hes changed and he didn’t realise before now he realises. But I just cant grow towards him I keep forcing my self to talk to him and be nice to him but its just exhausting me out and messing with my head. . I cant even take the thought of being together again never mind actually being together. But at the same time I feel guilty csuse now his tryingto make the effort because he knows I lsot hop in it. But when I was making the effort he didn’t even bother. I know that if I leave him I may never get my happiness back or get married to a good person. But I just feel like I can’t see myself putting my self together again until I decide to do something about this marriage.

I have been going through emotional break down I really cant do anything I lost some weight I cant eat sleep or think all I do is cry and cry I just cant take the pain anymore I probably caused this with the way I was thinking when I first came back but it was such a big shock I just didn’t know how to deal with it. The situation just taken over me I don’t know how to control it. Seeing me in this state my parents are even telling me to do something about it if im not happy. But they just don’t understand the pain before they didn’t listen to me now threy telling me I can do whatever I want when its too late. I feel so disgusted hurt and betrayed I cant believe I went through with it all when I think of the physical side of things I cant explain to you how much it affects my head. I feel so much hate towards my self but I don’t know how long I can go on hating my self.

I have an idea of what I need to do but I just need to know what my rights are if I have any. I just want to live a normal life without this pain and suffocation inside me. I turn to allah and always tallk to him for guideness. but Im sensitive person and sometimes when I hear how a wife should be I really think allah is angry towards me and I may be cursed by him I feel like im the bad one and he is the good one therefore allah is gonana support him and whatever im doing just getting his anger. What does Allah really think of me have I angered him so much that I will be happy for the rest of my life. If I leave him would I ever be forgiven? I have been praying and asking for forgiveness for my thoughts and the way I behaved but I just don’t feel like I can move on from this point. Somedays I feel allah is with me somedays I really don’t. I really lost all hopes I don’t know what to go on for I just feel like knowingly or not knowingly I just keep making Allah angry with me.

Is there any hope or is there any options

 

[Snowflake]

assalamu alaykum

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I pray Allah sets your affairs in order. Ameen


You cannot be forced to marry sis and it isn't a sin to not consummate a marriage on the wedding night. There is no set time limit.

ISLAM’S STAND
Islam abolished forced marriages deemed as a practice of pagans. In a well-known hadith documented by Bukhari, the Prophet Muhammad (saw) said:
“A previously married woman shall not be married without being consulted and a virgin shall not be married without her consent.”
This statement clearly establishes the principle of the female’s right to choose a marriage partner.
- Neither the legal guardian nor anyone else can coerce a female (or male) to marry against her wishes, since Islam emphatically disallows forced marriages.

This is clear from an incident in the life of the Prophet (saw) documented by Nisaa’ie. The Prophet’s wife ‘Aishah reported that a young female came to consult the Prophet, saying,
“My father has married me to my cousin to raise his social standing and I was forced into it.”
The Prophet sent for the girl’s father and then in his presence gave the girl the option of remaining married or nullifying the marriage. She responded;
“O Messenger of Allah, I have accepted what my father did, but I wanted to serve a lesson to other women (that they could not be forced into a marriage).”
recorded by Bukhari, and Ibn Majah, "Khansa bint Khidhan who had a previous marriage, related that when her father married her and she disapproved of that, she went to the Messenger of God and he revoked her marriage."

Khansa Bint Khidam said “My father married me to his nephew, and I did not like this match, so I complained to the Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace). He said to me “accept what your father has arranged.” I said “I do not wish to accept what my father has arranged.”

He said “then this marriage is invalid, go and marry whomever you wish.” I said “I have accepted what my father has arranged, but I wanted women to know that fathers have no right in their daughter’s matters (i.e. they have no right to force a marriage on them). (Fathul Bari Sharah Al Bukhari 9/194, Ibn Majah Kitabun Nikah 1/602)

 

[j50yab]

Dear Sister

I am not qualified to give you an Islamic perspective on this matter especially as I do not have all the details.

But from you post you are obviously very upset and I would not wish the pain you are going through upon my own sister so this is what I would advise.

Talk.
Talk to your husband.
Talk with your parents.
Talk to you local Aalim.
Most importantly talk to Allah (SWT)

Let these people know how you feel, especially your husband. If you do not I fear it will cause harm to your health.

May Allah (SWT) ease your pain and sorrow and guide you to happiness. Ameen.

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

sorry to hear your're going through this sis. may Allah ease your burdens
hmm, i dont have much to say, except to make plenty of dua, and have lots and lots of patience.

does your husband realize that you don't want him? if so, ask him how he lives with someone who doesn't want him. i mean to me, anyone with any amount of self respect doesn't marry someone who doesn't want them.

I know that if I leave him I may never get my happiness back or get married to a good person.

Says who!!!? seriously, give me one good reason why you cant be happy with someone else

force marriages stink!

 

[AnonymousPoster]

Salaam,
Reading your post, it felt like I was reading my life story - A few differences but alot of similarities.
I pray you find happiness and sakoon in your life. I too am living with my husband and feel no love and as if everything is forced. We have had our issues where I have been scrutinised about every move I make, now he says forgive me and is trying to make an effort, but I am exhausted and no longer feel the heart to go on.
I wont go on too much about my life as your struggling yourself. Sis your not alone.. Keep praying, pray ishtikhara for guidance and do nafal where possible.
I have Pm'd you.
Hope to hear from you soon.

 

[aadil77]

you must be pakistani, I just wish more pakistanis knew there rights islamically before getting forced into haram marriages

 

[AnonymousPoster]

yes.. y shud that make a differnce?

 

[aadil77]

yes.. y shud that make a differnce?

theres too much lack of information out there, if people from back 'home' knew there rights before hand they wouldn't be getting forced into these haram marriages

 

[aadil77]

He said “then this marriage is invalid, go and marry whomever you wish.” I said “I have accepted what my father has arranged, but I wanted women to know that fathers have no right in their daughter’s matters (i.e. they have no right to force a marriage on them). (Fathul Bari Sharah Al Bukhari 9/194, Ibn Majah Kitabun Nikah 1/602)

sis you could do the same to make sure more women do not have to go through the same situation as yourself

 

[AnonymousPoster]

What could I do..?

 

[AnonymousPoster]

TO BE HONEST WITH YOU i really dont understand why i feel the way i feel its almost a year now i keep having this hope that i may feel something towards him but eveytime i talk to him thats it everything comes back i just cant get over the pain. i was ok when i was there and everyone was around me now that i got no one telling me what to do or how to act i dont know how to feel with the situation. All i know is the pain i feel and that way it affects me. I just feel so punished I cant make out whether allah is upset with me or by each day if i am making him upset.

I want to make a decision but i dotn know what the right decision is i dont know what allah expects from me. The thing with me is that im not a very strong person and this has just made me more weak.

I was even thinking of going abroad to see how i feel about the whole situation but i just dont know if i can see him and the place again. All i have inside me is fear and i just dont know what future holds for me. I just feel lik im failing day by day marriage was a such a big thing to me. I feel like i have ruined my life with my own two hands. I jsut dont see a way out.

I dont blame my parents it wasnt really them it was so many other things so many other people. It was like everyone was against me and i just hated the feeling of being there and people who dont even know me thinking of me such a way. The worst of all is i trusted the wrong person i trusted the person i am married to it was my fault for looking for support in him while i was going through all that. I really thought everyone was looking out for me and i would be happy end of it.

I cant believe i let it happened i had so much and i chocked it all away i dont even know why now i mean they were jus words how could i have let it affect me in such a way. I became too weak i should have stayed stronger i wish i stood my grounds but i cant change whats happened. it was my fault for letting everything and everyone take control of the situation. No matter what anyone says I know it was my fault I don’t think it was forced I mean I gave my consent I got to know him I thought everything was gonna be ok I thought he was looking out for me. I let myself think all those things so how can I complain. I don’t understand why I feel the way I feel all I know is that when I came back I just kept going over and over it trying to make sense of it all.


I do trust Allah and i have holded on for allah but i just feel like Allah is not with me becaus now the other person really wants to make it work and his praying for it to work while im trying to run away from it. I jst feel tormented by even thinking about what has happened i dont think i can go through that again. I dont like hurting people and i dont want to hurt him but i cant just cant live with him if i were ever to have a life. I'm not very happy with who i am or what i am but i got no choice to live with myself.

I dont know if i got a valid reason because he is now making the effort and i just drifted away i just feel what if its my fault what if i jsut let my self drift away. I feel enough pain as it is due to it in this life but i dont want to go hell for it to as well.

i just feel that i shouldnt have let negative thoughts eter my mind What if i never had bitter feeling towards it. What if i didnt try to run away from it when i came bak maybe things would have been different i just keep going round in circle. what if because of who i was before and the way i was before marriage thats why im unhappy. what if im getting what i deserve for m sins there are so many things go through my head i cant make sense of it all i just cant stop blaming yself and thinking if i did this if i did that. But i know that doesnt help is this normal to feel.

I have lost so much due to this marriage and i just dont know how to pick myself from it. and to think all the pain i feel matters to nobody i dont care about what people think im just scared that i have disappointed Allah and if i lve this marriage i will disappoint him more.

I mean I can blame my self I can hate my self I can continue to hurt myself I can punish myself but I know it wont make things better I can keep going round in circle but its been so long I need to do something about it but I just feel like I have no option I have no hope I just feel like im all to blame so I have to live with it. But I don’t know how im suppose to live with something I feel like this towrdards. I just feel like if I leave this marriage I will be punished for the rest of my life by Allah for hurting someone else and ruining their life.

I don’t care what people say about me I know everyone will be against me and judging me but I just cant afford for allah to be against me that’s why I keep holding on thinking if I change my feelings may change I have changed as in I have become more practicing but I cant change the way I feel about the situation. I don’t even know what more to say I just feel like I have been so humiliated lost so many things I cant imagine it getting better. I just keep thinking the worst.

I feel such a shame towards myself how can I ever expect to be with someone else what have they done to deserve someone like me I feel like used and a waste I dnt know what I expect anyone to say to me.

 

[AnonymousPoster]

Sis it seems like u have alot on your mind and need to destress. Stop working yourself up by going round and round in circles. Allah swt only presents us with challenges that He knows we can deal with and those that make us better.
Do you have any friends to talk to about what you are going through? Any family members?
Have you applied for his visa? Maybe the long distant thing is making it harder? I was the other way round, I could talk abit to my husband on the phone but on the face it was like what do I say to u.
When there is no love, it becomes very difficult I understand and its very much hard to consider anything more.
Stop being so hard on yourself, trust me it gets u no where. Have you prayed for guidance? Did you recieve any sign. I strongly suggest you do and follow it.
You may not know sis but I know exactly how you feel..

 

[Whatsthepoint]

Anonymous Gender giving advice to Anonymous gender. Its confusing.

 

[wth1257]

I feel such a shame towards myself how can I ever expect to be with someone else what have they done to deserve someone like me I feel like used and a waste I dnt know what I expect anyone to say to me.

Well you certainly are not "a waste" and "used" you are obviously an intelligent, religious, and caring individual. If the marriage can not work then it can not work. If you want to try and work with the individual to save the marriage that's great, but ultimately if you can't love him and lead a happy life with him then you just can't. And while he may be trying to work things out now, and he may be disappointed it's not to his benefit either to be married to someone who just will not be happy in the marriage. Have you talked to your husband about this? Does he know how much you are hurting from the way things are?

 

[Snowflake]

Sis, don't think yourself as unworthy. Everyone is a sinner, whether we know about it or not. You deserve happiness just like anyone else hun. Take the rights Allah has given you and use them to change your situation. If you decide you want divorce and husband does not agree, you can apply for khula through Shariah Council. You might face a lot of opposition from family but you are within your rights, so be strong. I pray Allah brings you peace and happiness. Ameen.

 

[AnonymousPoster]

Sis it seems like u have alot on your mind and need to destress. Stop working yourself up by going round and round in circles. Allah swt only presents us with challenges that He knows we can deal with and those that make us better.
Do you have any friends to talk to about what you are going through? Any family members?
Have you applied for his visa? Maybe the long distant thing is making it harder? I was the other way round, I could talk abit to my husband on the phone but on the face it was like what do I say to u.
When there is no love, it becomes very difficult I understand and its very much hard to consider anything more.
Stop being so hard on yourself, trust me it gets u no where. Have you prayed for guidance? Did you recieve any sign. I strongly suggest you do and follow it.
You may not know sis but I know exactly how you feel..

The very thing that makes this situation worse is that i dont have any family around me I have a very smal family and small siblings they look up to me for support but i have no one to talk to in my family i dont want to worry my parens cause they know how im feeling and i dont want them to blame them selfs. I have started applying yet cause myjob is not going very well i jsut cant build up the strength to face it someday im scared im gona lose my job cause i keep missing days and when i am there its like im not really there.

i think i keep spending too much time o my own which makes it worse. I try talking to my friends but soemtimes i jsut dont feel like seeing them because they just ot understand non of them are married andthe busy with teir own stuff there so much a person can do for you.

I have prayed isthikara many time i cry and beg allah for forgivness and to guide my heart but i still cant grow towards him but at the same time i still cant get my head round to finishing it all. Everytime i pray isthikara i get more confused i get all this weird feelings like hatred towards my self and sometimes i feel like allah doesnt want to help me. Somedays i feel like i have no reason to end it sometime i think there is nothing really major wrong with him but i know the way i feel about it. I dont know if im reading it wrong or if shaitan playing with my head.

Well you certainly are not "a waste" and "used" you are obviously an intelligent, religious, and caring individual. If the marriage can not work then it can not work. If you want to try and work with the individual to save the marriage that's great, but ultimately if you can't love him and lead a happy life with him then you just can't. And while he may be trying to work things out now, and he may be disappointed it's not to his benefit either to be married to someone who just will not be happy in the marriage. Have you talked to your husband about this? Does he know how much you are hurting from the way things are?

The thing is i dont understand him i have told him how i feel and he knows im finding it hard. But instead of being patient with me and taking things slow he expects things from me to say things and be certain way towards him. I can understand how its like for him he just wants to get on with the marriage but i cant help the way i feel in it. He plays the guilt trip on me saying things like i dont like him because he thinks i think hes like this and like that and starts blaming him self and says i dont like him because of his weaknesses or because i wanted this and i wanted that.

I hav tried to explain to him that im still dealing with the evnt but he just thinks i should get over it and move on its been too long. He jsut expects meto forget everything and jsut play happy family. But he doesnt say things to me to make me forget whats happend. I just feel like he tells me what to do but doesnt try to understand the situation. I dont know hes not completely the bad guy and i feel bad feeling like this towards him but this whole thing just exhausts me out i feel like the bad guy and hes the good guy therefre i am making allah angry thats way i feel so opressed. I dont even know if talking about him here Iis the right thing or not dont want to make it sound favourable to me ut this just how i feel. but i jsut dont know how much i can keep it all inside me. I was gonna go abroad to see if i could make things work but i jsut know he will expect things from and his family will tell me to be this way and that way like before.

Sis, don't think yourself as unworthy. Everyone is a sinner, whether we know about it or not. You deserve happiness just like anyone else hun. Take the rights Allah has given you and use them to change your situation. If you decide you want divorce and husband does not agree, you can apply for khula through Shariah Council. You might face a lot of opposition from family but you are within your rights, so be strong. I pray Allah brings you peace and happiness. Ameen.

I know what you are saying but i really dont know if i have a valid reason. I just feel like if i hurt him i will never be happy. We are suppose to show mercy to people in order for allah to show mercy on us so i dont know how i be perseived in the eye of allah for taking away someone elses happiness. To i really have the right to destroy someone elses happiness to find happiness. I know their hoping to come here and build a life and i gave them this hope and now im gonna take it away.

I just dont know what allah thinks of me i dont even know if i have right to complain or cry or feel like this i just think i brought it all upon my self. I mean in the quran it says we are what we earn with our own two hands so i must have angered allah to feel so much pain maybe if i practiced more before i got married maybe things would have been different maybe if my thinking were diffrent maybe i wouldnt be in this situation.

This event has scared me so much I dont care what people think of me or how i am percieved in their eyes but all i know is that i will have no one other than allah and i know i have no one other than allah to rely on and if Allah is angry with me and if i get cursed from allah for doing this what do i realy have left what hoe do i really have the only person who can make it better is Alah and i dont know how he sees me or what allah thinks of me.

I dont know there so much inside of me i just dont know who or what im suppose to be i really am losing it.

 

[Snowflake]

assalamu alaykum

Being forced into a marriage is a valid reason for divorce sis. You did not lead this person up the garden path. Almost every pakistani dreams of coming to the UK. Knowing he was marrying you made them seem possible. But you have to be selfish sis. By that I mean you are not responsible for making other people's dreams come true at your expense. You need to be happy in your marriage too. There are no children involved whose lives will be affected by your divorce. So it isn't complicated.


By staying if you don't want to, you will be doing injustice to yourself. Allah does not like it when He makes ease for us and we choose hardship - hence even allowing divorce which is the most detestable jaiz act in Allah eyes.


Also do istikhara and keep making dua sis. InshaAllah have faith Allah will guide you to do what is good and permitted to you.

 

[Triumphant]

This person is talking to herself??

 

[Vito]

oh: I'd like to know as well.

 

[glo]

This person is talking to herself??

Probably not.
More likely these are different posters using the 'anonymous function'.
It gets confusing when more than one poster choose that option ... perhaps anonymous users could indicate whether they are the original poster or somebody else ...

peace