Tough times...

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sadia faisal

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I have an extremely complicated situation, so i will try to be brief...
I have found someone that i want to marry, but my family has made it extremely difficult for me...

We both believe that this is meant to be, we have both done Istikhara and we believe without doubt that, this is a good thing. But my brother and mother are making this really hard. They have no real reason to decline, but they are saying no because he is a bengali (we are pakistani..)
They are trying to use Islam against me, talking about things about respecting parents etc... i completely understand all that, but the parents should have a certain amount of respect/attitude to their children.

Rather than consulting Allah, through Istikhara (which is highly recommended by the Prophet (p.b.u.h)) they are becoming extreme in what they are saying and doing. My father doesn't know (as i am too scared to tell him, because i dont know how he may react (and for a girl, in my situation, she should talk to her sister, or any brothers she may be close to or her mum, because i am not that close to my dad, to talk to him directly))

My brother and mum are refusing to tell him. They believe we are going against Islam, when Subhan-Allah because of our fear and love for Allah, we havent even looked at each other without looking away quickly and feeling slightly ashamed. We have not comitted any sins, like some people would resort to in our situation, even thought we have been presented with the opportunity a few times.

We really believe that this is meant to happen. My family is being extremely awkward and backward in their thinking about this situation. My brother has even started to threaten him and me. He said he will take me out of college, he doesn't let me go anywhere anymore (i was a part of a writing group, which he doesnt let me go to anymore) he doesnt let me go to my friends, i dont have a social life! I wasnt allowed to have much of one before anyway... He has even threatened to kill him and me. And even gone as far as threatening HIS family!! He doesnt let me use the computer or internet anymore. And what he and my mum both say is that, i cant have as much freedom as before...cos i ruined it for myself by messing about!!!

Life is becoming hard to tolerate in my home, being kept a prisoner... but i am being as patient as i can and as i have been for over the past year (almost..) Our reasons for getting married are simple and understandable... nikah is half of Iman. The Prophet (p.b.u.h) has said that, those who can afford to get married should do so but those who do not are not from among him (i take this pretty seriously) It helps prevent sin in the future, it preserves your chastity and it is the halal way to control ur nafs...

Also my brother has been known to have done some dodgy stuff before, but now he says that he is more God-fearing (i mean...how can he know that, only Allah does...) he says he has more knowledge than us (he may do, but wats the point if u cant put it into practise!! and u go against it urself!!) These things make me so angry, but i have faith in Allah, he will protect us..

But now i believe i have no other choice but to move away/out to get married, but we are having problems finding an imam...

Sorry i sed i was going to keep it short...so i'll stop here...unfortunately the situation isn't this simple. I would be grateful if anyone had any advice for me...

:w:
 
no nikkah without a wali sister, how will you marry without a wali?!

moving out isnt a solution, it is the exageration of a problem.

If your wali isnt willing to give you in marriage, then its better to stay patient and hope for a husband whos better for you.

Allah knows best, dont be rash.


Assalamu Alaikum


subhanAllaah, this dunya is nothing, you will go against your family for a non-mahram who you have never been married to as of yet. Think clearly...
 
:salamext:

Subhaan Allaah..... I don't get why parents put off marriage in the first place.... that is what is hard for this generation... eg. 'I'm going to get my son married after he has got a degree in ___ "
- Hello! He needs to get married when he becomes of age. He has desires, he wants companionship...

But then again, the parents can't understand that sometimes.
 
In this case, I suggest you use you skill in arguement. Meaning, presenting your pros and cons in a suitable way to your family. Your brother and mother think that it is wrong for a pakistani to marry a bengali and yet think it is fine for your brother to threaten the poor man and his family? Is it right, for your brother, as a muslim, to threaten another muslim to kill him?

Did the Prophet (saw) not marry people out of his tribe? Because tribes in those days were pretty much like Idia, Pakistan and Bangladesh. No?

Is there a saying anywhere in the Qur'an or the Hadith books, that condemns or prohibits the marriage of people from different nationality?

Tell your parents not to react from sheer racism but to turn to Islam regarding the matter.
 
:salamext:

Tell your parents not to react from sheer racism but to turn to Islam regarding the matter.
Click to expand...

You try telling that to an Asian mum/dad :-\

"puttarrrrrrrrrr vat u sayin dont tell me vat to do" *rollseyes*
 
lol is it me or do other people notice all the problems arise from not being married, jeez when ya get married what will happen :(

anywhoo lol

there are plenty of pakistanis and bangalis married, seriously

the only thing that should matter is islam

keep stressin that to them sister, and tel the your bro if he supposedly following islam then why is he like making you prisoner innit

in any situation when you have parents that dont want to listen to you, you need to think if what your sayin is right then just refute them lol in a nice way

like generally speaking dont hold grudges againist your parents or anythin, just refute them in a nice way lol like if they doin any bidah or anythin

in your case sister, just say in islam we are told to look for deen in the other person not nationality!! just try to stick up for yourself a bit

inshallah it all works out for you and keep patient -
 
Sis you really need to think what is more important. Your mother. Or this brother (who isn't your husband yet so he is just a brother in Islam)
If you marry this brother without your parents and start a new life WITHOUT your family, when your marriage has problems -which it will. every marriage does- you will want your mother's comfort. But if you have made her disown you, you won't have that.

And sis don't start thinking "Easy for you to say". You know what I'm going through right now sis and I understand EXACTLY what your going through. Don't reject me for that :)
 
I agree with the sister above...Guys will come and go seriously and to be honest I feel that when parents disapprove, you will feel guilty and then ultimately sad and perhaps this may have an effect on your marriage to the brother (Inshaa'Allaah that's not the case). I know you probabaly don't wanna hear this but sis, If you leave something for the sake of Allaah then you will be rewarded with something better by the will of Allaah...

Even though I agree with what you are saying about deen being the most important factor and our natinalities shouldn't matter...subhan Allaah though, we ourselves do not know where our hapiness lies, it could be that you would be much happier with a Pakistani brother.

May Allaah facilitate your affairs!

one more thing, real love is after marriage sis, don't let emotions get the better of the situation
 
Yes, i understand what all of u are saying...
but...

if i have done istikhaara and it was a yes...i believe this to be soooo right!!
there have been so many signs that are just saying this is meant to be!!
We have asked many fellow Muslims and Imams...and they dont have a wrong thing to say about it...

But my family are just sayin...family pride...family honour! IZZAT!!
I have used many hadiths and sayings from the quran...but they are not willing to listen!! i have debated and argued with them many many times!! but they are too stubborn...

My brother is saying that i wont be gettin married for another 5-6 years!!
THAT IS ASKING FOR TROUBLE!!!
i knw for a fact, if i have to remain single for another 5-6 years.. i will obviously be presented with sin, i have been strong in that i havent comitted sin yet, but we dont know the future...i cud commit sin, just like anyone else...

I have tried talking, i have tried hadith and Quranic ayaats, i have tried to the best of my ability to show them this is right!!

But no...their argument is...ur young and stupid!! to them their pride and honour is more to them than their daughters happiness...which saddens me alot, i dont have the same respect for them anymore, not physically...just in my mind (my idea of them)

But wat is really sad, is how they bring Islam into all of this, making Islam look like the bad thing...

I mean... the prophet didnt leave examples for us to say...man i wish i cud be as good as the prophet was, but he was a prophet...and then continue sinning!!!

And i didnt say that i am going to leave my family with a grudge and never return...the reason i am still in my house and putting up with...threats, accusations, swears and physical abuse, is because i want this to happen as it should do...so please dont anyone say, i am not being patient...only Allah knows how patient i am being...
 
Salaam alaykum,

It would be better for you to get advice from a local imam, and bring an arbitratrator into the picture. You have rights as a woman, both as a Muslim and as someone living in the West. Learn them, and use them to try to come to the best conclusion possible.
 
:salamext:

In Malaysia, they have this shariah law that parents cannot stop the children from marrying (after the age of 18 of course) unless they have proof that the daughter's partner is non-muslim or un islamic.

The children can bring this to the court.

But why want to humilate the parents? Why don't just you wait and see what will happened?

I'm sure if you stop yourself from seeing the guy, InshaAllah the sin can be prevented.

Don't let the 'love' blinded you. Remember you want your marriage to last forever...


I have seen this...marriage without the parents blessing. and it doesn't last long.... and it happened to my dear sister (from another mother) and she is now 28 year old divorcee with no children after 7 years of marriage.
 
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We have asked an Imam and he is asking us to be patient. Which we are being...but things as usual are getting worse, now my mum is threatening to take me to pakistan... how cliche...

And don't worry i am not 'blinded by love' i guess all i can do is wait for things to happen. Oh and about womens rights in Islam...that means nothing in my family, according to all the men in my family and even my mother and sister, women are there to look after children, clean the house and cook. I'm not saying that i wont do any of that, but by sharing these tasks between husband and wife, it builds love, just like our beloved Prophets (p.b.u.h) great example. And if my family were following simple shariah laws, this marriage wud not be a problem.

I mean my own mother is saying that, how is Istikhaara going to explain to people that this marriage is right...I ask this...who's more important people or ALLAH!!!
 
Salam4life said:
We have asked an Imam and he is asking us to be patient. Which we are being...but things as usual are getting worse, now my mum is threatening to take me to pakistan... how cliche...

And don't worry i am not 'blinded by love' i guess all i can do is wait for things to happen. Oh and about womens rights in Islam...that means nothing in my family, according to all the men in my family and even my mother and sister, women are there to look after children, clean the house and cook. I'm not saying that i wont do any of that, but by sharing these tasks between husband and wife, it builds love, just like our beloved Prophets (p.b.u.h) great example. And if my family were following simple shariah laws, this marriage wud not be a problem.

I mean my own mother is saying that, how is Istikhaara going to explain to people that this marriage is right...I ask this...who's more important people or ALLAH!!!
Click to expand...


sis do you want to marry this brother ONLY for the sake of Allah?
 
TRUE, Are you doing this for the sake of Allah?? And what makes you think he's the right person that you're willing to go against your families wishes? sorry, i'm not shouting or being angry at you :P


"a billion and a half Muslims, they can't make us or break us, Don't judge us aside by our place or faces.....no spaces FOR RACISTS" -
1UMMAH, My UMMAH....Where for art thou Ya UMMAH
 
My families wishes are not exactly based on Islamic arguments, we may as well be back in the time of Jahilliyah!!

I am having patience and giving this time...We will ask an imam to talk to my parents...cos i am not letting this go...
 
:salamext:

Sister, if you think this is right, if u think he is good in his Imaan and true to his love, then I would say not let it go. And if ur parents don't come round, then it will come to the fact that its either ur family or him. I hope u make the right decision sister. I know someone who is going through exactly this...May Allaah make it easy for u and that sister, Ameen...
 
Salamualikum sis..I agree with sis Ahlaam and i know what your going through ..i mean manyyy asian families they prefer someone with a degree and not practicing then some1 whose practicing and doing everything for the sake of Allah..if you think this is good and you have made istikharah ..inshallah no matter what your parents do Allah will help you through it..because if Allah wants it to happen it will happen no matter what your parents try to do..so sis since you did do istikharah and know its good and a yes..hang on in there..Allah will ease your hardship soon inshallah and its a good idea..you should get the imam to talk to the family ..who knows they might listen to him..Salam
 

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