Trial in a marriage =(

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sadsister said:
Salaamaleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu!

I am new here and i registered to get some advices and help.
I am a converted muslim sister alhamdulillah.
My marriage has lasted now for 5 years and i am facing some
serious difficulties. My husbands behaviour is something i can not
tolerate and / or understand. I apologize for this point if i lay out
some secrets that it is only family affair, but i can not hold it inside
me any longer.
My husband talks with other women online, he talks very, very, intime and private things and on the other hand, he is planning another marriage with some other women, also online.,
These things really hurt me, when i ask him about those things and
what is he up to exactly, he get's furious and beats me.
Just recently, when i asked him about those matters(other ladys,
and chatting in front of me) he said that for him i am just a housekeeper,
someone who takes care of his kids =(. He called me names that you can't even hear on the street told to the most cheap women.
I tried to tell myself that he said this cause out of anger, but since that,
there hasn't been anything else except punishing me and talking to me
very harshly, beating included. Before i started asking him this, we were doing really well in every portion of life but my mind got a hold
on me and i had to ask cause it was bothering me truly and i weren't able to go on my daily life when i was just thinking and crying all the time.
Did i do wrong in islam when i asked about such matter?
Am i suppose to just hold on and be happy and ignore those matters?
What shall i do?
I regret so much now that i asked him, we would be doing good if i just holded and waited. =(
On the other hand, his reaction tells me that there is something truly wrong, normal person's action woudn't be such an abusive matter if there was nothing to hide. He accused me of sneaking things behind his back and rolled all the blame and quilt on my shoulders.
Give me some advice!
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:wa: My sister you should get urgent advice from a scholar on your issues. If you tell me what town your from i may be able to try and get hold of a scholar for you for it is incumbant that you get the right scholarly advice on your issues. :wa:
 
Salaamaleikum!

I have contacted this Dawa center to which someone gave
an e-mail address. I haven't received an answer yet but I am waiting.
The athmosphere here at home is now much more peacefull and comfort.
My husband swore to me on the Holy Quran and our lord Allah swt to be honest with me and that he doesn't cheat behind my back. Even, the messages I have seen are different, I can't put a doubt over an oath on Allah swt. This comforted me enough to continue for now.
 
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Leave him if the beating continues, he is a worthless and selfish person. Why do you allow someone to beat you? And you said he has been beating you for years?? I'm sorry, but if I were a woman I would never allow anyone to beat me! Please dear sister, have some self-respect. You are not an animal and even animals can't be beaten or abused in Islam.
 
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sister don't punish your self if you did sin then it is between you and Allah.Subhannalahi you have to think what is best for you and no matter what your husband does you know this evil deed has nothing to do with Islam and Allah is your lord and islam is the truth so no matter what happen don't give up your religion becuase unfortunately there are some people who called themself pious but they are not anyway make dua to Allah and seek his help.Also if you think this is punishment then seek forgiveness.
 
"Why do you allow someone to beat you? And you said he has been beating you for years??"

It is not that easy to leave the father of your children on the state of pregnancy. Before I always thought that every muslim man beats his wife but later I got wiser and knew it's not true(of course!)
It is allowed to beat your wife slightly with siwak but this only after warning and separation in bed, as a last option.
I know beating is wrong...but there is nothing I can do about it anymore.
It sure makes me sad but I am hoping to get something better instead of this matter, if not in this Dunya, then in the Akhira in sh Allah!
 
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stokcholm syndrome...
My only prayer for Allah is hat this situation would be fixed somehow,
I never imagined to be treated like trash, and in this I mean the mental abuse in daily bases. I have talked about it to everybody but it doesn't help! I am going to go to a therapy also trying to get over all this sadness in my heart. My husband doesn't care to listen to my talking about my feelings and sadness, for him it doesn't matter. I hope to get any help from the therapy sessions at least.
Thank You so much for everyone here for your opinions(good and bad)!
 
^^ Assalamu alaikom dear sister. Im so sorry to hear what you are going through right now. I see a lot of these situations in my line of work. It actually occurs in many layers of society no matter which social class or ethnicity those men are. You usually see a pattern though when you look at the generations. Men who abuse usually saw their mums get beaten and continue in the same pattern as they have seen. This causes their children to see them abuse their mum and the drama continues. Sad to see really.

I wanted to shed a more psychosocial light on this matter. See sis if he continues to threat you like that the damage he does isnt only physically. The children will also be affected emotionally and psychologically. And not to mention what this all does to you.
I must say I admire you for your strength dear sister. If only I had such a thick skin.

About the children: this effects them deeply cos they are in a very fragile stage of their lives right now. When they witness you getting hit they will come to think they are the blame. This results in them behaving like angels and taking care of you to try to make things better for you. This means they will not enjoy their childhood and actually become caregivers instead of the ones who get care. You will see a change in their behaviour. When there too silent or the opposite, if you cant handle them anymore (they dont listen, are rude and stuff) you know somethings up. Your childrens teacher will probably notice the change as well. Since school is the second important living space of children. When something is up at home it shows at school and the other way around. Its like a parrallel thing. And when the teacher notices somethings wrong then social services will be called. They will get you out of that place along with your children (personnaly i think this is a good thing).

And you as your mother have to protect your children. Even against their own father.
And you know, you not leaving sends the message to your husband that its OK what he's doing. Just because he did not have a wake-up call yet. By keeping the situation as it is he thinks all is good and he will continue his behaviour. When you leave he will get some time to think and reflect on the matter.
He needs to realise that he already has what he wants: a beautiful wife and lovely children. He needs to wake up!

So my advice to you is: Make loads of dua. Try all the advice as mentioned by other members above. If that is not helping then I want to urge you te leave for the sake of your children (do istikhara first). Go to your mums or your sisters. You guys leaving will damage you kids thats true. But it wont be a big of a damage as on long-term when you stay in this situation and your children witness their mother whom they love so very much get beaten without them being able to stop it or change it. It will cause them to feel guilty for not helping you and angry with their father. This last thing will not do good to the father-child relationship.

I hope inshallah your husband will see the light when it comes to this. And hope inshallah he will turn out to be the best husband and father in your region inshallah ameen.

Isnt there a muslimagency for Social Work in England btw?
 
:sl:
^spot on. sometimes when a child sees that their father isn't respecting/abusing their mother, they tend to grow up treating the mother like rubbish as-well. im not sure if this is the same case if it were the mother disrespecting/abusing the father, because i haven't really seen this type of case before to make a comment about it.

the children also get affected by it, because if they are boys, they are likely to treat their wives the same and grow up with a real bad insecurity towards women. and if they are girls, they likewise will also grow up with a real bad insecurity of men, not to mention may think its ok for their husbands to treat them eh same way their fathers treated their mothers. you know, they may become desensitized to this sort of stuff. your girls will also grow up extremely paranoid about marriage.

your kids may also develop forms of child depression (i dont know if there is such things, but i just say that to illustrate the point that children do undergo psychological stress, etc as well). they will get extremely distressed seeing their mother namely, go through such stress as-well. you may find yourself getting snappy at them due to your own state of stress, etc and as a result they will think that they you dont love them and/or that they are to blame.
 
SubhaanAllah, these last posts are so very true. The children do get affected by this situation goes more further daily. My distress is so powerful that it has become a struggle to take care of the house and kids needs. I am not proud at all how i treat them, especially my first born, 3 years old boy.
Oh Allah, i know how badly i should take the kids and leave, but i am too afraid what will happen after that. My husband has threated me to kill me (even by describing how he would do it) if i ever planned or even said the word divorce. This fear is keeping me with him, i am afraid for myself, my children and my family. I don't want anyone to get seriously injured.
I wish there was away to tell him how i feel, how it hurts when he doesn't care for me. But everytime i start talking, i get hurted more and more, mentally or physically.
I write here all this cause i find it helping saying these things out loud, keeping it inside increases the agony.
 
u didnt reply to my other post. are u close with your family? do u see them or what?
 
sadsister said:
SubhaanAllah, these last posts are so very true. The children do get affected by this situation goes more further daily. My distress is so powerful that it has become a struggle to take care of the house and kids needs. I am not proud at all how i treat them, especially my first born, 3 years old boy.
Oh Allah, i know how badly i should take the kids and leave, but i am too afraid what will happen after that. My husband has threated me to kill me (even by describing how he would do it) if i ever planned or even said the word divorce. This fear is keeping me with him, i am afraid for myself, my children and my family. I don't want anyone to get seriously injured.
I wish there was away to tell him how i feel, how it hurts when he doesn't care for me. But everytime i start talking, i get hurted more and more, mentally or physically.
I write here all this cause i find it helping saying these things out loud, keeping it inside increases the agony.
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Im so sorry sis but I dont have any good thing to say about this "brother".
First of all he needs to keep his hands to himself. Secondly what love is there when you threaten your wife to kill her? He is not providing a safe environment for you and your children right now. And him giving a detailed explaination implies he thought about it deeply. Next question is: would he actually do it? Would he hurt you when you are around your family?

Subhanallah didnt know a "brother" could turn out to have such non-islamic thoughts. I think deep down he is scared of the consequences you leaving will have. That means he will have to take care of himself for one and secondly he would feel ashamed cos his wife left him. Wont do much good to his "image".

So to prevent you for causing all this he is trying to hold you down with threats of killing you. Has he threatened to hurt the children?
 
Dear sister,
my family knows the situation here, his threats and his abusive behaviour, only thing I never spoke about is the beating, every other detail is revelaled.
I have been thinking and planning this leaving very well as other sister said I should do. I know very well it must not be done just like that and I need a safe place to go to.
The question was: would he really do it? I believe he would, his pride would never let me go with his children, he has made hi point very clear.
He has never threatened to hurt the kids, he adores them.
My father always tells me to take the kids and go to his house and we start the fight back from there, but I am too afraud he will go here and just simply kill us all. It sounds redicilous when I say it out loud, but it's so sadly true.
And sister, you are correct about the fear and the shame what he would feel after us leaving, I understand how these Arab's need to save their faces no matter what it cost to them. So sad.
Now I blame myself when I didn't open my eyes for his lies earlier. How stupid from me.
 
Don't be sad sis. What's done is done no one on this earth can change that alhamdoellilah. We can only pray we will live another day since Allah swt has the last Word on that.
What I wondered is: does his family know about his behaviour?
Like his mother or so? Maybe you could try talking to his mother. If he is a mamma's boy then he obviously can't ignore his mothers opinion about the whole thing.
 
:salamext:

Ukhtee... i'm afraid if he has threatened to kill you...i think you need to get help.

It'll be really impossible to get out of the marriage without help.

He is using you because he knows that you don't have anyone to help you.

Anyone should contact you or link you the woman organisation that help the abused wives.

You need help ASAP...just remember your life and your kids are at stake here.
 
sister as you can see ive edited all of my posts because i fear Allah and because of the fact i am and none of us are qualified here to give you the advice you are desperately seeking. ive noticed that i am quick to judge reading what you are going through when you have not really given us the full extent of your beatings, are we talking about full on beating here or just a slap? i dont know and to be honest im to afraid to talk with you further on this. your husband could be well suffering from any type of mental illness or any other type of mental issue that could be cured with counseling... who knows only Allah but you need to talk with some one who knows what there talking about and thats all im saying on the matter and Allah knows best. may Allah make it easy on you ameen
 
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★ηαѕιнα★;1310450 said:
It has been a while since sis last responded. Do you guys think something has happened?imsad
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her making threads on a forum about her husband might not have been the most intelligent thing to do with her husband being there and everything :( inshaAllah i hope Allah guides her to whats best for both her and the kids
 

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