Trouble in paradise

[AnonymousPoster]

SALAMS,

I have a problem. I hope you guys can give me some advice. I am currently seeing a brother for marriage. Due to some very serious circumstances, our enagement has been delayed.

I love him with all my mind and heart. My dad hates him and does not want him. His family hates me too.

But that is not the issue. The issue is that we have been fighting a lot. At first it was because of our parents and things. But now we are fighting about us. He does not appreciate me and treats me badly. He takes me for granted. He does not treat me special and I am just like his other friends. Also, he is hugging his other female friends. I tell him I only ask one thing from him and that is to stop hugging other girls so that I may feel special and different to them. I know I shouldnt hug him but I am just knowing islam.

Even though I give my everything to him, he says he doesnt want it. He tells me to be quiet. When I get upset because he does not show me affection and sensitivity and make me feel special, he says that I am blind to all that he does for me and that I am selfish, unappreicative and rude and I just sook a lot. He says I am too jealous. I say that he is not jealous at all.

The other day he yelled at me, broke a fan and was screaming "are you scared of me?!?" I stood firm and said "no". The next day when he listed all these terrible things that i am (selfish, hateful etc), I left him. He has been beggining me since to come back. He has been nice. A mutual bestfriend sat him down today and explained that what he did is wrong and that I am a gift to him. My friend told me that he said he was going to fix everything. He called me and said he was gna come to my work tomor and visit for two minutes just to see my face (he has to travel quite a bit even though he has exams right now) He has been upset etc and says he needs me to believe in him so he can do well in exams.

I feel terrible but this time I really feel like I am very very very hurt. And when I think about my fathers stance on him and his family on me, I just feel like never looking back...The truth is, he used to be that amazing guy, like the one you will never find again and will never come close to finding. I have known him for very very long. But lately, he has changed and maybe me aswel.

Please advise me. Do I ignore my pain and lay some rules down and take him back or do I just go???

 

[Alpha Dude]

Wa alaykum salam,

I love him with all my mind and heart. My dad hates him and does not want him. His family hates me too.

Why does your dad hate him? Why does his family hate you?

But that is not the issue.

Don't treat all this hate as though it's nothing! It is a big deal.

It may not be an issue now, given that you're looking at marriage and love through the everything is rosy in love lens, but after a year into the marriage, you'll realise that not only have you married a single person, but you've married into his entire family, too. So it doesn't bode well that they hate you now! Likewise for him, it doesn't bode well that your father hates him. You marrying him will distress your father and strain your relationship with him. These aren't good signs. Imagine that you're married and he doesn't let you go back home because he doesn't get on with your father? Or his family disrespect you? Imagine your children growing up without the unconditional love and support of his grandparents?

Another bad sign is how he hugs girls and feels as though it's no big deal. That is not how an honourable muslim behaves. You should distance yourself from doing that too, sister. It is completely haram behaviour.

Yet another bad sign is how he tells you to be quiet. All marriages need good communication. You can't communicate with him if he shuts you up all the time. His aggressive behaviour with the fan is also disturbing.

To summarise: his family hate you, your father hates him, he is way to laxed when it comes to mixing with girls, he shuts you up and he has some trouble controlling his temper(it seems?). I personally think you should stay away from this guy. He sounds immature and silly. Perhaps you could pray istikarah, though.

If I may also advise: if he does not pray his salah and practice islam to the best of his abilities, don't marry him. In any case, limit your contact with him. Definitely no hugging!

 

[Asiyah3]

Wa alaykum salam,



Why does your dad hate him? Why does his family hate you?



Don't treat all this hate as though it's nothing! It is a big deal.

It may not be an issue now, given that you're looking at marriage and love through the everything is rosy in love lens, but after a year into the marriage, you'll realise that not only have you married a single person, but you've married into his entire family, too. So it doesn't bode well that they hate you now! Likewise for him, it doesn't bode well that your father hates him. You marrying him will distress your father and strain your relationship with him. These aren't good signs. Imagine that you're married and he doesn't let you go back home because he doesn't get on with your father? Or his family disrespect you? Imagine your children growing up without the unconditional love and support of his grandparents?

Another bad sign is how he hugs girls and feels as though it's no big deal. That is not how an honourable muslim behaves. You should distance yourself from doing that too, sister. It is completely haram behaviour.

Yet another bad sign is how he tells you to be quiet. All marriages need good communication. You can't communicate with him if he shuts you up all the time. His aggressive behaviour with the fan is also disturbing.

To summarise: his family hate you, your father hates him, he is way to laxed when it comes to mixing with girls, he shuts you up and he has some trouble controlling his temper(it seems?). I personally think you should stay away from this guy. He sounds immature and silly. Perhaps you could pray istikarah, though.

If I may also advise: if he does not pray his salah and practice islam to the best of his abilities, don't marry him. In any case, limit your contact with him. Definitely no hugging!

I agree

Sister, I know you love him but I can't see a relationship like this managing.

Also the hugging is a bit too far.

 

[IbnAbdulHakim]

do you have any idea how deep in sin you are right now...


and this man sounds like he will destroy your present life and lead you to the hellfire (from what you have told me).



Leave this man, and marry someone for the sake of Allaah and ask Allaah to make you love someone who will help you reach the highest paradise in the hereafter.


This world is 70-80 years tops... your hereafter never ends.


Assalamu Alaikum



ps: did you read your own post? doesnt it feel humiliating to be in such a relationship?

 

[Rafeeq]

Some times, we need to take some difficult decesions which are not acceptable to our heart also.

It is fact that the relation you are going to establish is not managable, so leave him and pray Allah for a better companion in your life.

 

[AnonymousPoster]

woah thats a bit creepy! I'm wondering if your going out with my ex cos I was in the same situation!!!! :hmm:
I understand where your coming from when you say he use to be different and you feel like you wont find anyone again.
What you need to realise though is how he was in the beginning is not how he really is. You have really got to know him now. How he is now is the person he really is.
Ofcourse in the beginning every guy will treat you like a queen cos he wants something.
Leave him because after marriage when he knows he has got you exactly where he wants you, he will take you for granted and treat you worse.
And wats to say he wont be still talking to these girlfriends of his behind your back even after marriage?

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

SALAMS,

I have a problem. I hope you guys can give me some advice. I am currently seeing a brother for marriage. Due to some very serious circumstances, our enagement has been delayed.

I love him with all my mind and heart. My dad hates him and does not want him. His family hates me too.

But that is not the issue. The issue is that we have been fighting a lot. At first it was because of our parents and things. But now we are fighting about us. He does not appreciate me and treats me badly. He takes me for granted. He does not treat me special and I am just like his other friends. Also, he is hugging his other female friends. I tell him I only ask one thing from him and that is to stop hugging other girls so that I may feel special and different to them. I know I shouldnt hug him but I am just knowing islam.

Even though I give my everything to him, he says he doesnt want it. He tells me to be quiet. When I get upset because he does not show me affection and sensitivity and make me feel special, he says that I am blind to all that he does for me and that I am selfish, unappreicative and rude and I just sook a lot. He says I am too jealous. I say that he is not jealous at all.

The other day he yelled at me, broke a fan and was screaming "are you scared of me?!?" I stood firm and said "no". The next day when he listed all these terrible things that i am (selfish, hateful etc), I left him. He has been beggining me since to come back. He has been nice. A mutual bestfriend sat him down today and explained that what he did is wrong and that I am a gift to him. My friend told me that he said he was going to fix everything. He called me and said he was gna come to my work tomor and visit for two minutes just to see my face (he has to travel quite a bit even though he has exams right now) He has been upset etc and says he needs me to believe in him so he can do well in exams.

I feel terrible but this time I really feel like I am very very very hurt. And when I think about my fathers stance on him and his family on me, I just feel like never looking back...The truth is, he used to be that amazing guy, like the one you will never find again and will never come close to finding. I have known him for very very long. But lately, he has changed and maybe me aswel.

Please advise me. Do I ignore my pain and lay some rules down and take him back or do I just go???

Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, my sister jazakallah for sharing your sensative issue with us.

My sister firstly can i just say that it is a very major sin that you have committed in having inter marital relations with this man. With this in mind it is right for both parents to not be happy with such a marriage as what decent Muslim parent would be happy with their children having illegitamate relations? You should repent sincerely and do as many good deeds as you can because this would have angered Allah and we do not want his wrath on us because we need him and he does'nt need us!

My sister what we have to realise is that nowadays relationships have become the "norm" because of the intermingling of the sexes. It has become so widespread and is seen as "normal".

A man and a women be-friending each other has also become 'normal' in our society and is usually seen as "innocent" to have friends of the opposite sex but this is one of the biggest deceptions of shaythan. He fools the couple into thinking that their freindship is innocent but as the couple get to know each other more and more inevitabley feelings develop because a man and a women are created to have feelings for each other and if they are with each other all the time and talk to each other then inevitabley feelings may develop. After that it becomes difficult to control ones emotions especially for a women who is much more emotional than a man and in your case because you have had feelings for him for such a long time you are very much into him.

What we should realise is that a relationship is NOT a guarantee for marriage. This is where a lot of couples are mistaken and decieved for they think that they're relationship will lead to marriage but what we don't realise is that it is ONLY with the will of Allah that a couple marry or not.

It is very clear from what you have stated that this man has completly lost respect for you. Do you think this situation will improve? Marriage is a whole different ball game and im telling you now if things are like this now, then they will get a whole lot worse after marriage especially because one will spend EVERYDAY with the same person! If his respect has been lost to you now what will happen when he spends everyday with you?

If his conducted is like this now then it will be unbarable after marriage! At the moment im helping one of my good friend's with his sisters situation, which is near enough the same as yours but they are newly weds and the guy just does not respect her at all and treats her like absolute garbage! It seems to me that it will definatley end in divorce!

Trust me sister they are all the best at first. The amount of countless stories ive heard that the guy is like an angel at first and treated me the best etc etc but then afterwards changed. That is because Allah exposed them for who they really are because at first it is easy to put on an act but a persons true self always gets revealed in the end so my sister realise that he is not good for you and that you deserve much better so do not listen to his begging because they all beg and things continue how they are. Do not risk your eternity over him, yuo are worth more than that. You have to be firm now because your life matters because we are not here for our own desires my sister we are ONLY here to please Allah and worship him!

My sister don't ruin your chances of finding a good and pious husband who will truly love and respect you for who you are and will lead you towards Jannah for someone like that guy because if you have to divorce him then your chances of finding a suitable partner are slim and made VERY difficult.

My sister i truly think that you know the answer to this situation but because you have been so blind in this man your eyes have been covered from reality. The reality is that you CANNOT marry this man no matter how much he begs you to.They all beg afte they have wronged the girl but things will not change sisters they will get MUCH worse!

How can you marry such a man that your parents don't approve of firstly and secondly treats you in such a way? Do you think the way he treats you will improve?

My sister trust me in my time i have heard of countless cases like this and the end result is never good. Save yourself now before its too late because if you go ahead and marry him you will lead a miserable life!

My sister i know that when one is with another for a long time then those couple make plans and dreams with each other and only ever imagine being with each other and no one else bu this is not reality my sister because love is NOT enough to hold a marriage together.

A marriage is about MUCH more and if you have found out what hes like at this stage then surely it is a blessing from Allah that hes revealed to you what he is really like so that you avoid ever spending your life with someone like that because a marriage is a true test for any couple and if your having these problems right now then there is NO chance that they will get any better in marriage but worse. My sister stop fooling yourself because this will NEVER work.

You have to wake up now and see reality. Allah knows whats best for you and from the signs he has given you he has made it clear to you that you will NEVER be happy with someone liek that!

Find a good and pious man whom can lead you towards Jannah because we only have one chance in this life so let us not ruin our eternity by marrying people like that.

If he is hugging women right now can you imagine what else he has done? How do you know how many times hes cheated on you? Even if he has'nt if he is hugging women right now then Allah knows what he will do later on down the line when desires will grow even more after marriage.

Save yourself my sister and do not live a miserable life with someone like that and do not become a young divorcee because i can tell you from experience there are countless young divorcee women out there because of having failed relationships like this and still marrying the person disregarding the signs. A divorce is terrible stress and we do not need stress and to waste the little time we have in our lives.

If your parents and his are'nt happy and all of the things you have stated about his not having respect for you and treating you bad and hugging other women then surely ALLAH IS GIVING YOU THESE SIGNS! SO DON'T IGNORE THEM!

Allah has exposed him so that you can realise that he is not the one for you and you were inclined to come into this forum so that we can tell you to save yourself from this misery and that Allah has someone MUCH better for you that will truly love and cherish you and someone who is pious and will lead you towards Jannah!

If you ignore the signs and still marry him then you will have to pay the consequances and by then it will be too late especially if children are involved. Heed the signs now my sister and if you want to ask anything then please feel free.

 

[cat eyes]

I Will personally give you my email adress to make sure you do not go through with this marriage this guy is trouble. sister i urge you to listen to everybody else what they are telling you.

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

SALAMS,

I have a problem. I hope you guys can give me some advice. I am currently seeing a brother for marriage. Due to some very serious circumstances, our enagement has been delayed.
I love him with all my mind and heart.

how do you love someone who hates your dad? did he tell you that he hated your dad? if he did, then you really and seriously need to look at this properly cos seriously any half brained person doesn't so around being so blunt! especially towards someones parents...that's just shifty :$

My dad hates him and does not want him. His family hates me too.
But that is not the issue. The issue is that we have been fighting a lot. At first it was because of our parents and things.

the issue does with both your families, IS an issue. dont sweep it under the carpet...

Even though I give my everything to him, he says he doesnt want it.

that. what are you still doing with him?

sis love is blind, but even in love, there has to be limits. dont sell yourself short. what is the point of loving someone who doesnt even respect you and show you your true value? what kind of person is this? do you want to spend the rest of your life with that person, especially when you can be with someone else who shows you the love you deserve? why risk it? where does it leave you and what does it say about you to marry someone who more or less couldn't care less about you? isnt it better to marry someone who knows your true worth and makes you feel properly loved and respects your jealousy adn who returns that jealously? isnt it better to marry someone that you feel secure with and feel comforted with them, not always getting and coming off second best?

all this doesn't matter to you, becuase you're in love and your gna say love is blind, but seriously, try to fast forward a few years and see where this will take you and what the consequence will be.

The other day he yelled at me, broke a fan and was screaming "are you scared of me?!?" I stood firm and said "no". The next day when he listed all these terrible things that i am (selfish, hateful etc), I left him. He has been beggining me since to come back. He has been nice.

dont fall for it.

 

[Tiara B]

Assalamu Alaikum sis. Hve faith in Allah and i really think you should leave this guy. It's kinda scary...