Two proposals in the same day... oh no!

[Lisa921]

Assalamu alaykum
I don't know how to handle this situation islamically. I met two brothers in the same day and they both made a proposal. I accepted one right away without thinking of the other one then I later discovered the other one was more interested in me then the first. I don't want to hurt anyones feelings but I'm not sure what to do.
The first brother is quite young and will have lots of chances to marry down the road, hes quite well to do, and has told me was talking with someone else at the same time.
The second brother waited to marry and is past 'prime' age of marrying, but he seems more religious, open, and understands me quite well.
I prayed istikharah already for the one of them that was more serious about marrying me.
Both are from another country and I know that sounds bad but I'm a hopeless romantic that believes in seeing people through their nationalities, ages, races etc..and I didn't limit myself in marriage to one "group". It has not been regretful before so why not continue, I mean I have met two great people in my previous two marriage who were from outside, it was just the wrong time for me and I was not ready at that time.
This would be a third marriage for me, I pray the last and final, Im gonna just keep make dua for the right answer to come to me and not talk to the brother until I can confirm with one that I feel he is the right choice.
I already feel inclined more to one but I just don't know how to let down the other without being cold/callous/insensitive.
And I KNOW I'm not suppose to talk to two at the same time. But well whats happened has happened. I just need help to fix it please!

 

[strivingobserver98]

With regard to letting other person down without sounding cold. Maybe you can say something along these lines?

"Salam hope you in best of health and emaan.

I feel that we are not compatible with each other, I would kindly like to reject the proposal. Insha Allah you will make a great husband one day. I hope you don't take this personally. May Allah choose whats best for you, and grant you a righteous pious spouse who will bring you closer to Deen. Ameen."

Or if you really don't want to say anything to the brother you can always get your family to do it. :thumbs_up

 

[BeTheChange]

Walaikumasalaam,

Alhamdulilah exciting news sis! May Allah swt bring you nothing but goodness for you in this world and the next Ameen.

I would strongly recommend you to read this thread, posted by our lovely sister Muslim In sha Allah.

Please visit:- http://www.islamicboard.com/family-and-society/134325477-spouse-tips-realties-dangers.html

Especially, because you said both proposals are from a different country to yours. Am not trying to put fear in you sis, just trying to make sure your choice is an educated and informed one, and more importantly, your safe.

We all know the dangers of the internet (as well as the good it brings), especially if you are looking for a spouse, using the internet.

Some thoughts you may wish to ponder on:-

How long have you known the individual?

Can you verify what they have told you through internet/phone?

Can you verify their religiosity levels through another source i.e. a credible individual?

Are their interested in marriage for visa? Please see:- http://www.islamicboard.com/family-and-society/134325730-marriage-immigration-residency.html

Does your long-term plans/aims/goals coincide with potential spouse?

What are his expectations? If he is from a different culture to yours, you may wish to explore this topic further sis.

After marriage, would he want you to reside in his country or yours?

These are just some questions which come to my mind sis.

Am sorry if you get the impression i am being sceptical. Far from it sis, am just trying to make sure you have covered all possible areas.

May Allah swt help you make a wise decision that's good for you Ameen.

 

[ardianto]

Assalamualaikum.

When I was young I met a girl who looked good in my eyes. I told her that I interested to take her as my future wife. She accepted me. Yes, the process was easy because she was interested to me since the first time we met.

Not so long after that I met few other girls who were interested to me too. But I didn't respond any of them because I already made a promise with the first girl to marry her. I didn't want to break my promise and hurt her feeling.

However, then some problems occurred which made her decide, it's better if she didn't marry me. So I went to one other girl who still waited for me and then married this second girl.

Apart from case of sister Lisa, the ethic of proposing and accepting marriage proposal is, if you already made a promise to marry someone, then you cannot break this promise just because there is someone better. Except if then you find some valid reason such as the person you would marry has bad habit that you didn't know before, or the person you would marry break his/her promise to marry you.

 

[MuslimInshallah]

Assalaamu alaikum Lisa,

Mmm… women used to get proposals from more than one man at a time in the prophet's (PBUH) time (and I read of at least one consulting the Prophet (PBUH) about it). It's that the men, if they know that a Muslim brother is in serious negotiations, are not supposed to add a proposal. It's politeness.

It's also perfectly ok for a woman to change her mind about marriage. There was even a woman who was about to wed the Prophet (PBUH), but when he was about to take her hand, she changed her mind. And the Prophet (PBUH) was very nice about it (of course), and gave her a nice present. So don't feel you have to marry someone. Especially someone you barely know anything about.

I'm a little concerned that you are very vulnerable right now Lisa. You are recently divorced, and you are feeling the loneliness and need for some emotional support. You just recently were wanting to go back to your second husband (who took a second wife without consulting you, from what I understand). When certain members on this forum disapproved, it seems to me, you changed your mind. Now it seems you're on a marriage site, and you've got proposals...

Please… don't rush. Believe me, it's incredibly easy to get married to someone online… if you don't mind being conned. But to find a real husband…? Not very easy at all.

There are a lot of younger men who want visas, my dear. But the older men are not necessarily safe, either. Perhaps you may think that older means wiser and kinder… but there are quite a few older men out there who are just looking for a little bit of rejuvinating fun and perhaps bragging rights with their friends. You may not be aware of this, but women from Canada tend to be viewed as very loose. Like prostitutes! We also tend to be viewed as attractive and more fun than local women. Imagine the worst of movies and videos being taken as a true description of women here…! In these conditions, is it not surprising to find men online who are looking to fulfil fantasies (I haven't discussed this type of marriage scammer on the "spouses" thread. I call them "seducers")?

There are some nice men out there… but too many online "marriage site" men are not nice. If I were you, I wouldn't accept either proposal right now. I think you need to try to find out more about these men. Not from themselves, but from objective sources. How to do this? It's very difficult. You might try a private investigator operating in the man's country. But these tend to be very costly. You might try asking around the people you know, and see if anyone has contacts in that country who might be able to help you (this is a long shot, but it's worth a try). You could also ask the man for a police and medical check (these can be forged; have it verified by a professional… maybe ask Immigration Canada for who could do this?). You might also want to ask that he put money in trust for you (with an independent third party), in case he wants immigration, and then loses interest in you. Incidentally, immigration scammers may pretend they're not interested in immigration at first. They may wait till they marry you to spring this requirement on you. They know that once we've married them, we feel bound to try to make the marriage work).

Please Lisa, take your time. I do understand how you feel. You have many pressures pushing you to look for someone… but do you want a third failed marriage? Because this is likely to happen. And if you feel desperate enough to try to make it work with someone who doesn't care about you or respect you, you could get into a lot of trouble down the road.

And if you go to that other country… you could be in a lot of danger as an unprotected woman (even if you do a nikkah, don't expect that a man will protect you if he's just done a nikkah to get you to come to his country).

Please Lisa, try to step back. And don't feel any obligation. Right now, focus on finding out more about these men. Talk with them. Ask a friend to listen in or read their messages. Get some hard evidence (like paperwork). If they are really serious, and care, they should be ok with you being careful and taking you time. They would understand your need to be protected.


May Allah, the Protector, Hold you in His Care.

 

[BeTheChange]

Very well said sis Muslim Insha Allah.

These small/big checks on the individual's credibility will make you aware of how truthful the individual is because, we can pose to be anyone online.

It's very easy and this is why we need to take extra care and consideration for such a huge life changing event.

If someone was to enquire about my credibility through a third party, i wouldn't mind. In fact, it would make me very happy, because it shows the individual is using thier own brain and putting thier feelings to one side to verify what's been said.

I don't know if this quotation helps you, but i read an islamic/psychological article once, which stated, women tend to think with thier ears i.e. Some women if they hear somthing nice, something sweet or lovable being said to them they are more likely to like that person, whereas, some men, think with thier sight. If they see what they like, they are more likely to like you, rather than the ears. Of course, there will be exceptions, but if you understand how the brain works for both men and women and understand our emotions better, in sha Allah, it will help you make the best decision in the long run.

Ameen to dua.