Bobbyflay23
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Guys she's allready said that a imam is to far away if we can't give her help then I suggest her to go to fatwa website
Unhappy with my marriage and my husband.
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Walaikum Asalaam,
Before exhausting all other options, we should never make divorce the first option unless someone is severely in danger. There is a child involved here. So brothers and sisters please be aware of what you advise.
Sis, if your husband wanted to divorce you, he would have done so without your request. You also would have left him without a second thought if that is what you truly wanted. But you are both holding on for the hope that changes will happen. You both need to discuss things with a mediator such as an imam, counselor, or a respectable and trusted person within the family. Then, set some boundaries and voice the changes you want your husband to make in order for your marriage to work out. If your husband agrees to them, then involve the families and let them know of their boundaries as well.
Next, and I don't mean to sound blunt or anything, but you have to put your emotions aside. Be stronger for yourself and your child. Don't think that if you divorced your husband that it will bring you happiness, because divorce, in essence, is the failure of marriage. Your marriage is not perfect right now, but you both can work towards making it a lot better. In your perspective, your husband is damaging the relationship, but perhaps from his perspective there are things which he believes you are doing which are making it worse. You both come from different cultures, so there's no doubt in my mind that the cultures are clashing, however there has to be some compromise and change from both sides.
From an outsider's perspective, I think that the biggest thing that is bothering you is not having the privacy you want. You can not break your husband's relationship with his parents especially if he has been open with them like this his whole life. He's a "mama's boy" (as it's called) but showing any negativity towards his parents will only make your husband resent you. Likewise the parents will also show resistance towards accepting you because you are meddling with their relationship. Instead, you should try to get closer to his parents, without his help. Be kind towards them and tell them you want a closer relationship. Show empathy towards your husband and let him know you understand his closeness to his parents but that he shouldn't discuss everything with them because it only hurts your relationship to know that someone may still be holding a grudge over something you did years ago while you both have moved on from it. You will have to swallow your pride to get there, but it's ok. At least you can truly say you've tried your best to make the marriage work. Never think that you can change the people around you (it's hard to even change our own selves!), but rather you have to learn to adapt yourself to different types of people, personalities, characters, etc. The first few years will always be your hardest, but if you can make it work then you have the rest of your life ahead of you. Just understand that you can only be in control of your own actions, no one else's..so you have the power to change your circumstances by changing how you react to different situations.
Before exhausting all other options, we should never make divorce the first option unless someone is severely in danger. There is a child involved here. So brothers and sisters please be aware of what you advise.
Sis, if your husband wanted to divorce you, he would have done so without your request. You also would have left him without a second thought if that is what you truly wanted. But you are both holding on for the hope that changes will happen. You both need to discuss things with a mediator such as an imam, counselor, or a respectable and trusted person within the family. Then, set some boundaries and voice the changes you want your husband to make in order for your marriage to work out. If your husband agrees to them, then involve the families and let them know of their boundaries as well.
Next, and I don't mean to sound blunt or anything, but you have to put your emotions aside. Be stronger for yourself and your child. Don't think that if you divorced your husband that it will bring you happiness, because divorce, in essence, is the failure of marriage. Your marriage is not perfect right now, but you both can work towards making it a lot better. In your perspective, your husband is damaging the relationship, but perhaps from his perspective there are things which he believes you are doing which are making it worse. You both come from different cultures, so there's no doubt in my mind that the cultures are clashing, however there has to be some compromise and change from both sides.
From an outsider's perspective, I think that the biggest thing that is bothering you is not having the privacy you want. You can not break your husband's relationship with his parents especially if he has been open with them like this his whole life. He's a "mama's boy" (as it's called) but showing any negativity towards his parents will only make your husband resent you. Likewise the parents will also show resistance towards accepting you because you are meddling with their relationship. Instead, you should try to get closer to his parents, without his help. Be kind towards them and tell them you want a closer relationship. Show empathy towards your husband and let him know you understand his closeness to his parents but that he shouldn't discuss everything with them because it only hurts your relationship to know that someone may still be holding a grudge over something you did years ago while you both have moved on from it. You will have to swallow your pride to get there, but it's ok. At least you can truly say you've tried your best to make the marriage work. Never think that you can change the people around you (it's hard to even change our own selves!), but rather you have to learn to adapt yourself to different types of people, personalities, characters, etc. The first few years will always be your hardest, but if you can make it work then you have the rest of your life ahead of you. Just understand that you can only be in control of your own actions, no one else's..so you have the power to change your circumstances by changing how you react to different situations.
Umm♥Layth
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I've already given my two cents and what I can add is that it takes two hands to clap at the end of the day. If you truly feel abused, sister, or like your rights are being taken (which it is apparent that some are) you have to put your feelings aside and take action. Playing victim and pointing fingers will never help you. If you "can't" reach an imaam, then find somebody else that is willing to get involved. Somebody who is strong enough to weed through all the finger pointing, blame shifting and drama. Perhaps a councelor of sorts. Look online for your closes islamic center or muslim community and find resources.
I'll have to respectfully disagree with showing even more empathy and allowing the violation of privacy to continue. No matter how close parents are, we shouldn't go and tattle every fine detail. I personally am VERY open with my mother in law about her son and also about myself. I chose to do it this way with her, but the level of details is totally up to me and I only share what I need to share to get advice. I don't bad mouth my husband or his family and even if I did, she wouldn't have it. His parents shouldn't tolerate it either. This man is an adult, not a baby. He is supposed to be protecting the sister, not oppressing her. If she FEELS oppressed, then she has full rights to feel that way. That's why we involve a 3rd party to weigh everything and asses the situation.
A marriage isn't always bliss, but it should never feel like an entrapment. Marriage is about self development and when either person fails to develop, the marriage will fail. So sister, you have to think about how you've allowed for things to get to this place and you have to take action if you want things to change. Like it was said before, you have the power to change how you react but zero power to change anyone else. Only you.
I'll have to respectfully disagree with showing even more empathy and allowing the violation of privacy to continue. No matter how close parents are, we shouldn't go and tattle every fine detail. I personally am VERY open with my mother in law about her son and also about myself. I chose to do it this way with her, but the level of details is totally up to me and I only share what I need to share to get advice. I don't bad mouth my husband or his family and even if I did, she wouldn't have it. His parents shouldn't tolerate it either. This man is an adult, not a baby. He is supposed to be protecting the sister, not oppressing her. If she FEELS oppressed, then she has full rights to feel that way. That's why we involve a 3rd party to weigh everything and asses the situation.
A marriage isn't always bliss, but it should never feel like an entrapment. Marriage is about self development and when either person fails to develop, the marriage will fail. So sister, you have to think about how you've allowed for things to get to this place and you have to take action if you want things to change. Like it was said before, you have the power to change how you react but zero power to change anyone else. Only you.
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fromelsewhere
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This part is not true. If you talk to a professional (such as a: social worker, marriage counselor, psychologist, doctor) who is bound by confidentiality, they will not get your husband arrested or deported - unless there are exceptional circumstances such as if your husband made clear threats to kill/harm you or your son. They might get the Child Protection Services involved IF they believe that there are reasonable grounds to suspect that your son may have been abused or neglected by your husband. But based on the story so far, it doesn't sound like this is the case. Therefore, there are no reasons for you to be scared or worried about approaching a counselor, such as a social worker or your family doctor, to start a discussion on the matter.
I think that you are at the point where it might in fact be quite beneficial for you to talk to an unbiased, professional counselor who will help you balance the pros and the cons of your current marriage situation without trying to guilt you into either hastily divorcing or staying in a non-functional marriage.
If you have a sister or brother that you are close to (or one parent who is more understanding than the other), maybe you want to start a discussion on the matter with them in private.
In the meantime, you can check out this Muslim Women helpline: https://nisahelpline.com/. The toll-free number, 1-866-315 NISA (1-866-315-6472), is accessible anywhere in North America, 12 hours a day, 7 days a week. There was an article in a Canadian newspaper on this helpline a couple years ago (https://www.thestar.com/news/gta/2012/11/15/new_helpline_for_muslim_women_may_be_canadas_first.html). I don't know what this helpline is worth, but it doesn't hurt to call, does it? If you are living in Ontario and want to better understand your legal rights in Ontario/Canada and see how these laws relate to Islamic family law, you can check out this website: http://yourlegalrights.on.ca/resource/marriage-and-divorce-muslim-women
Help is available, but you need to find out for yourself what may be helpful to your situation and what isn't. Maybe talking to your parents will not help a lot (but then, who knows? Maybe your father will be very displeased to learn about what has been going on and will talk some sense into his brother). But you don't know what helps if you don't try.
Last but not least, I sincerely wish you best of luck in resolving your situation and finding appropriate help. Do your best to stay calm and to not let your husband's bad words and emotional blackmailing affect you because the more you let it show that it affects you, the more he will continue.
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