Uniting with family<-- big topic!!!

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imran_c

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This topic is very very very personal and is happening as we speak at my house :cry:

My family has disunited and its been like this for now like 4 years!! yep 4 years!!! my father who has disunited with my grandmum i.e hes mother, is still that kind of mood in the disuniting mood. But i was lecturing my dad a couple of days ago that disuniting is wrong and my dad nows he goes "i now disuniting is wrong so dont lecture me on it" but my dad has recently done ummrah and is planning todo hajj in 2008 but my question is that is this what my dad doing allowed doing hajj and ummrah but not reuniting and when he just did ummrah my family in pakistan (went to do ummrah then go pakistan and then back to england) invited my grandma so my dad can reunite with her but my father declined the offer and when my grandma stroked my father my father nudged and moved hes own mothers hand of hes shoulder. But what else is funny enough my father tells my brothers that you should obey your parents but is not obeying himself and my father will still not listen even thou i have shown the quran where it pin points that breaking with kith and kin isnt allowed and my father loves to pn point things others shouldnt do but wont reunite himself what cna i do?? because my grandma is like 70 and she is very very old and i would like my father to reunite with my family asap but what can i do???

:w:
 
imran_c said:
:sl:

This topic is very very very personal and is happening as we speak at my house :cry:

My family has disunited and its been like this for now like 4 years!! yep 4 years!!! my father who has disunited with my grandmum i.e hes mother, is still that kind of mood in the disuniting mood. But i was lecturing my dad a couple of days ago that disuniting is wrong and my dad nows he goes "i now disuniting is wrong so dont lecture me on it" but my dad has recently done ummrah and is planning todo hajj in 2008 but my question is that is this what my dad doing allowed doing hajj and ummrah but not reuniting and when he just did ummrah my family in pakistan (went to do ummrah then go pakistan and then back to england) invited my grandma so my dad can reunite with her but my father declined the offer and when my grandma stroked my father my father nudged and moved hes own mothers hand of hes shoulder. But what else is funny enough my father tells my brothers that you should obey your parents but is not obeying himself and my father will still not listen even thou i have shown the quran where it pin points that breaking with kith and kin isnt allowed and my father loves to pn point things others shouldnt do but wont reunite himself what cna i do?? because my grandma is like 70 and she is very very old and i would like my father to reunite with my family asap but what can i do???

:w:
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brother am so sorry to hear about this it makes me feel :(

anyway lets get to the point your dad is having a tuff time therefore we need to olve the problem well bro all i can say is just ask God for forgiveness and let him go to Hajj when he come back he "might" change but i have nothing else to say apart from just pray for him :cry:
take care
 
its okay brother

no family is perfect

we all think our families have so many problems but the truth is if you were to walk into any house right now, you would see this very situation going on.

why exactly are your dad and grandmother not speaking ?
 
well when my grandfather died what happened was that they wanted to split the land and on top of that they wanted to see what the disease was in my grandfather so when he died they wanted to open him up which my father did not want. It was most also to do witht he land and the money. A couple of days ago my aunt wanted to reunite with my father and my grand ma and my other family did but my dad said no thats when he said that i dont need to lecture him he nows disunitings is wrong and isnt allowed.
 
this kind happened with my dad and his brothers, i think its very common amongst asians to have feuds over inheritence etc. dont give telling your dad that what he is doing is wrong! explain to him that land money etc. arnt important than the women who gave birth to him! he should know heaven lies at the feet of the mother! good luck!
 
okay....so they went ahead with all of this without your fathers agreement ?

so its understandable that your father is angry
but four yeras is a long time
maybe he was close to his father ....but as you said these disagreements are ironically mainly over land and money rather than relationships

its seems that the rest of your family have made real efforts to reunite iwth your dad, especially your grandmother, how must she be feeling as a mother?

i dont think your father realises how much hes hurting his family members for his...forgive me but i have to say 'stubborn attitude.

did you know that one of shaytaan's missions in leading mankind astray is to cause strife and hatered between family members......those who have weak faith fall into this trap

you should explain to your father what shaytaan is doing to him and that he should let his heart soften for those who are asking for his forgiveness, only then will Allah's mercy and blessings enter your home once more InshaAllah.
 
well my father disunited before with my grandfather who has passed away, long time ago and then what happened out of my aunts and uncles mercy they strived to reunite my father with my granddad and my grandma and now my father has now disunited with my grandma and my aunts and uncles hes blood brother and blood sisters. And because my father doesnt reunite my brothers dont reunite. However i have, but i secertly go but the only problem is that im fed up with going secertly i want to go with my father nowing insted of going out if you understand me. and yes my dad has a stubborn attidude he likes things hes way, we were once in pakistan when my father said to me that i dont like dancing to anyone elses music. My father is determine to stay away from hes own grandma and own brother and sisters i think hes already forgot that had it not been for the mercy of hes own brother and sisters he wouldnt have known when and if hes father was alive or not. Another situation happened in ramadan when my fathers brother in law came and knocked and brought some food over and my father opened the door he then said take your food and get out of here in rage while fasting! :( i was in shock i asked my dad why did he do this and he said to me would you open the door and accept the food and i said alhumdolilha i would i then said alhumdolilha i would bring them in. But my father since that day has has quarrels with me every since i think it was because that i said i would allow my uncle hes brother in law in. I think it was also todo with land and money because after we did ummrah and we was in pakistan my father said to me do you now how much the land could have been sold for i said i dont really care and my father goes 1 million i said to my dad that even if it was for 1 billion it doesnt really matter, because it was idol talking.

When you said they went ahead without my father decision they didnt really they was thinking of going ahead but wanted to inform him and ask him what did he think.

Also what gets me more is that my grandmother i heard cries everyday because she cant she her son. which makes me very very sad :( should i tell my dad that i want to reunite? or what because i already havebut i could make it out that i will reunite?? they only live down the road from my house all my family does they bought there houses close to us. Like the most times i talk to my family which my dad has disunited with is on msn funny enough. only on rare occasion i go over but secertly like saying im going to a friends house or something which is wrong as im telling a lie and thats why i want to stop that and just go over saying im going to auntys house or uncles house or going to see how grandma is.

Any suggestion is good enough. Also its not like my dads not educated my dads alhumdolilha a doctor and is going for hes master and my oldest brother is just about to go for hes master as well and my other brother is in hes 3rd year coming to univercity and ive just finished gcse :D. and my mum is doing college. and my father nows alot about islam hes read up on the unity subject and nows hes doing wrong he even admitted it but cant face the fact of reuniting.
 
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Asalamu Alaikum Bro,

This is a wicked situation.. but it has simple answers.

After reading everything... I've concluded that it is not the matter of land and money anymore.

Your dad has MASSIVE amounts of PRIDE. That is his problem. Land and Money is just a cover up. Initially, it may have been the cause of all of this... but coming from a pakistani family myself... I know how much pride one can have.

Your dad has read up on unity in Islam, and he still refuses to follow it. Fine. At this point, I think its secondary... bickering over scrubs of land and money of this world is pointless.. when there is so much more in the hereafter.

If your dad wants to be granted everlasting paradise... He needs forgiveness and mercy of Allah swt and to get that forgiveness and mercy... your dad has to be forgiving and merciful himself... he needs to let go of the past...

What you need to focus on is Humility. You need to talk to him about being humble.

Once he is humble and realizes that pride and ego is the exact reason why shataan was thrown out of the heavens... perhaps then he'll apologize and reunite with the family.

In a desi world.... you can almost never approach a problem directly... always have to find a side road. And in this case, I think its pride and ego.

Do your part bro, follow islam... don't sever ties of kinship. If he is doing wrong... you don't have to follow his foot steps.

May Allah make it easy for you and your dad.

W'salaamz,
Hamid
 
As-salam alaykum wara matulha

Jazakallahu khairan for your response, Ye i agree my dad does have alot of pride and ego because as an english saying its like keeping your head up and your nose sticking up thats like my dad :( my dad doesnt like to be wrong and when ever he is wrong he will ignore the response like once we saw a ferrari (sports car) and i said to my dad that, look thats my friends house and my dad saw the car and said is that hes car i was like ye alhumdolilha it is and my dad then says i bet they dont pay there zakat i said to my dad straigh after hes response you cant say that, you cant judge a person in such away. And my dad was speachless and then my brother changed the subject write after. But my dad acts like someone who has control of everything like if my mum and me would want to go pakistan to visit my great grandma there my dad wouldnt allow it, my dads now at the verge of disuniting with the folks back at pakistan :(

but today we went to a sort of a mini lecture with a dinner at a resraunt and the surah in the quran came up subhanallah! the surah imran (chapter 3) verse 103
"3:103 And hold fast, all together, by the rope which Allah (stretches out for you), and be not divided among yourselves; and remember with gratitude Allah's favour on you; for ye were enemies and He joined your hearts in love, so that by His Grace, ye became brethren; and ye were on the brink of the pit of Fire, and He saved you from it. Thus doth Allah make His Signs clear to you: That ye may be guided."

I looked at my dad after this verse and nudged my dad and i then said to my dad unity and my dad just said shhhhh to me i was just shocked that even after ummrah and hajj (did hajj before) and now going to do hajj in 2008 and still havent reliased for 4 years!!! that reuniting is a keypoint of faith. My dad keeps going at it that the arab leader are not united and that is the main reason why they wont help lebanon but thats hipocracy if your asking the arab and muslim leader to unite because theres a moto which says charity starts at home and its the same with unity it starts from home before it goes into the society and then the country and then the world.

Inshallah if anyone can tell me if i should confront my dad and say to him that i want to reunite is a good step or what?? because my aunts and uncles and my grandmum are eager to reunite they really want to reunite theyve made many atempts to reunite they even went to the point to come to my dads house (myhouse) going to my dads work and even meeting him asking for forgivness and asking to reunite and my dad still wouldnt reunite. I asked my dad once would you reunite if the whole family came including my grandma and my dad then said yes and now i asked him and hes saying no! why should i! :( its gone from a point of getting there to now hopeless ive prayed many times at makkah, mehdina and at home and my aunts and uncles do as well and inshallah i hope its answered our prays of uniting my cousing whos 3 years old shes a girl and she goes to me "Bie (big brother) why cant i come to your house i want to come to your house" i was in tears when i heard this and said "inshallah i hope one day you can" shes never been to my house and its just sad for that. :( the even worser thing was that all the pain my grandma suffered over the whole incdent my grandma cries night and days and is now having blood presure problems over it :( i feel very said everytime i hear this and what i find even worser is my dad likes to correct others but hates being corrected himself! If you was in my possesion what would you do?? (my family is a pakistani family my grandfather who passed away was from the army and it could be due to that reason my fathers stuborn and im british bred as its called. but its a desi family its from pakistan dina which is near islamabad. So that should inshallah help abit more but what can i do??? what should i do??
 
Asalamu Alaikum,

The answer is simple.

Follow Islam to the best of your ability.

If your dad doesn't want to keep relations... thats his problem, and he will deal with that on judgement day.

You don't want his problems for yourself too... they are your relatives.. don't divide among yourself.. like Allah commanded... do your part... even if he doesn't do his.

W'salaamz,
Hamid
 
Asalamu Alaikum,

Do you still need an article to see whether it is obligatory or not?

Those who break Allahs Covenant after ratifying it, and sever what Allah has ordered to be joined (as regards Allahs Religion of Islamic Monotheism, and to practise its legal laws on the earth and also as regards keeping good relations with kith and kin ), and do mischief on earth, it is they who are the losers.
( سورة البقرة , Al-Baqara, Chapter #2, Verse #27)

I think you should tell your dad that you want to obey Allah and his commands... its plain and simple in the Quran of what your father and yourself should do... unless you want to be among the losers.

I'm not saying the consequences will be easy... but its your call.

I would advise you to not lie to your parents anymore... just to keep seeing them in secret. Consider this a type of jihaad for you.

You hold all the keys... the decision is yours.

May Allah guide you, Inshallah.

W'salaamz,
Hamid
 

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