Update on my life

[Alpha Dude]

They need to know this - not only so they can advise you and your family but also so they can have a record/report of your sisters behavior. I think for them to have a record and know the situation would be helpful... especially incase your sister should try taking wrong advantage of the police :ermm:

That's a clever idea.

 

[gs450la]

Thank you all for the replies and advice.

I can only get the help of an islamic scholar if my parents aren't so scared of being "shamed" in the community. However, I will try for that later on.

Tomorrow at noon, there is a meeting at noon between my father, my sister, and a private counselor that I found. My sister admits she has anger issues and she is going under the guise that these issues will be treated. I am hoping and praying that this visit will have some positive effect on her and will make her see that what she is doing is wrong and will develop a level of understanding in her.

School starts September 7th and she thinks that she will get to go the school that she wants (we'll call it school A) because she threw a fit in front of the school counselor. But that school is full, and she will have to attend the school that is literally in front of our house (school B). Yet she says she will "die" before she attends school B or gets separated from her friends. She will go for homeschooling before she goes to school B. She has even listed School A on her facebook page as the Class of 2014. So it will be a huge mental shock for her when she realizes she can't go to school A. My father knew that she would be going to school B since june, but still never told her because he said he wanted to avoid a fight.

A big part of me hates my father for what he has done to my sister. I know it's wrong for me to feel this way. But my sister could have been a normal, responsible , and sweet girl had he not "babied" and spoiled her all the time. There is always a "back door" for her out of every situation. He can't say "No" I'm fasting, I can't take you today. He can't ask the question, " Who are you visiting?" Why are you buying that $80 jacket? WHy do you wear punk clothes? WHy do you always have to have the volume on MAX at your radio station? Why do you bang the car door? Why do you always cuss ( say f*ck, c*nt, b*ch,etc.) He never enforced any rules on her, and then my mom just gave in as well. She maintained a good relationship with my dad because he always gave her the option to do whatever the hell she pleased. He just says that this is the only way to "save " her as if she isn't listened to, she will committ suicide. He says counseling might make things a little better, but she is a serious mental patient. I am afraid she will end up killing him one day if she doesn't get better.

In January 2010, my dad had to leave for Pakistan for 2 weeks. THus mom was the only authority in the house. Things were a lot better between mom and my sister, they would bond more and talk more. I honestly feel as though my sister had a better demeanor when mom was around. Now she calls mom a B*tch whenever my mom asks for simple things. What i wouldn't give to go back 5 years... Alas, we can never go back in time. Time gone never comes back no matter how much you want it to.

I know in my heart that if my dad worked to his full potential (which he did prior to November 2007-when my sister really got bad), he could be very successful and happy. Perhaps he could have spent a little more time with my mom who is also going through menopause.

Honestly, I'm in my room studying all day ( for my MCAT on 09/02/2010) and I don't feel like coming down for iftar because my parents will fight or there will be some sort of obscenity coming out of my sisters mouth. I just pray to allah (swt) from the bottom of my heart that my sister gets better, she assimiliates into the norms of Islam/our culture, and our family problems get better as it is very sour at this point. No matter what happens, I still love my sister and I want her to be successful and a good muslim. I want whatever is bothering her to go away and for her to control her anger.

Please continue to keep us in your prayers. Also pray that tomorrow the meeting with the counselor will yield good results that will put us in the right direction. I know that if she is untreated/nobody tells her the wrongs of her ways, she will eventually really go away from this family and not associate with us at all. It is already painful enough that she is either in her room, outside, or away from us whenever we go anywhere.

I pray that alllah(SWT) blesses everyone with happiness, wealth and peace, iA.

Blessings,
Ehsan

 

[Alpha Dude]

Brother do you recite quran in the house? Try make a routine where you recite it at least for half an hour a day with an audible voice. I just feel it might be a good step toward encouraging your sister.

 

[gs450la]

Brother do you recite quran in the house? Try make a routine where you recite it at least for half an hour a day with an audible voice. I just feel it might be a good step toward encouraging your sister.

:wa:

Thanks for the advice. I will try to read more regularly. However, she is hardly ever at home because she is at a social outing with her friends (movies, dinner, etc.). But I will still try to re-arrange things so that I can do it while she is around.

Today she had the meeting with the counselor and the counselor said that there was a problem that is complicated and she said she will refer her to someone else. When the issue of school came up she said there is no way she is going to go the school that is near our home...non-negotiable! She didn't even listen to the counselor saying that there is budget cuts, etc. so that is why she was not allowed to go the school of her choice....she just won't accept reality and this is largely in part to my dad "babying" her too much.

I just pray that she will change and peace will come to our house.

Back to studying! Less than 2 weeks before mCAT date and I have to do well this time.

Please continue to make dua for me and my family.

Jazakallah,
Ehsan

 

[Danah]

^ may Allah ease your exam for you and may you do much better this time.

May Allah ease your family affairs, guide your sister and grant you all peace and happiness at home

 

[Snowflake]

^Ameen thumma ameen ya Rabbil alamiin subhana Allahil adheem

 

[gs450la]

Dear Bros and Sisters,

Hope Ramadan is going great and all of you are being blessed this season.

Not much has really changed. We are trying to find a Marriage Family Therapist that is affordable for my sister. The counselor we saw suggested that we found one.

School starts on Tuesday (09/07/10) and she is trying to scream at the top of her lungs and is making all sorts of threats. Her transfer to the school she wants got denied and she is trying to get us to talk to the superintendent to reverse it. The school she wants is full and due to budget cuts they can't accomodate her since it is not her home school.

She says she will not go to any other school other than she wants and will get homeschooled with my father having to quit her job. Man this weekend is really going to be stressful.

Looks like my parents are finally headed with the divorce direction as well. The school mess and my sister's drama is really going to intensify things!

Please pray for us....I don't even know what I want as a resolution to all of this. I just hope that my sister realizes that she needs to accept reality and she can't just use profane words (b*t*h, f***, etc.) when talking to her parents and others. It is really difficult at this stage though.


Aside from reading the quran, and praying, any special dua I can make?
Best,
Ehsan

 

[gs450la]

Dear Brothers and Sisters,
School starts tomorrow and she is still giving us trouble. She wants my dad to fight with the district office to allow her to turn over her request. Because she "can't live without her friends"

Please pray for us!

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

Don't give in. let her scream and kick about all she wants. just ignore it...she needs to know who is boss. tell your dad not to listen.

what im getting at, is no matter how extreme ones personality may be, there is always some way or another you can get through to them. with your dad, since he is the one who gives her her own way, if he turns around and stands up to her (it doesn't have to be in manner where he is shouting at her as maybe the impression im giving, but just merely being firm and persistent and not giving in, should do the trick). this will "shock" her since it isnt something she is used to.

what will she do if she doesn't get her own way? she's too young to have any money to change schools right, so she will have no choice anyway.


things are going hay wire becuase there is no leadership.

once she actually listens, take the time out and sit and talk with her becuase there could really be something wrong and that wouldn't be fair or right to leave it ignored.

if she doesn't go to the school she wants still be fair and let her see her friends still. friends are important and so is socializing. by you letting her see her friends despite that the fact that she isn't going to the same school as them, will show that 1) you don't mean to abuse your authority over her (as she may be taking it) and 2) if she shows she is being "rewarded" she will be inclined/compelled to listen to anything else you may tell her.

so basically, by giving her what she wants in return for her giving you what you want, it shows that you are being fair and then that's when she is likely to listen.

but like i said first she needs to take you/her dad seriously. if she sees he doesn't care, she wont either.

 

[gs450la]

:wa:

Thank you all for your dua's. Well I suppose the worst that could happen actually happened today.

She woke up at 8 AM to go with my dad to the districts office and to try to talk to them/beg them to let her go to El Dorado. The director was not there at that time and told them to come back at 1:30 PM.

My dad came back home with my sister as he had to go to work. School starts at 8:25 on Monday at her new school. However, she refused to go at all costs and felt sleepy. So she went to sleep and laid in her bed. My mom had to go to work as well but she was angry that my sister did not go to school. She called the district office and told them about the situation.

Apparently, in the US it is ILLEGAL for a child to not be enrolled and attending a school unless other arrangements are made. When they found out she did not attend school they got furious and brought a police officer to our home at around 10:20 AM. The police officer went up to her room and told her she had five minutes to come down.

My sister was crying and complaining to my dad and said she didn't want to go. But she was forced to go and she still started to cry when she was at the school. She didn't take her back pack with her so that means she won't be doing any homework/bringing any home.

When my dad found out that she was taken with the police. He was furious and said it was my mom's fault. He started to drive to the school and went to speak to the principal. He told them he would sue the school for bringing a policeman to get his daughter from his home.

The principal said that my sister had been sad and depressed all day and that she was sitting and not talking to others during lunch. My sister is used to getting what she wants all the time and I think she was optimistic/hoping that she would be able to get her way this time. She is extremely angry and i don't know if this will have a good effect on her.

We are trying to find therapy ASAP. I blame my father in my heart for spoiling her but I can see things through his perspective.

Please pray for us, I think the worse has happened. School ends in a little bit and my dad is going to pick her up. I don't know what we will do tomorrow. Please pray for my sister that she understands what is reality.

Thanks,
Ehsan

 

[gs450la]

Don't give in. let her scream and kick about all she wants. just ignore it...she needs to know who is boss. tell your dad not to listen.

what im getting at, is no matter how extreme ones personality may be, there is always some way or another you can get through to them. with your dad, since he is the one who gives her her own way, if he turns around and stands up to her (it doesn't have to be in manner where he is shouting at her as maybe the impression im giving, but just merely being firm and persistent and not giving in, should do the trick). this will "shock" her since it isnt something she is used to.

what will she do if she doesn't get her own way? she's too young to have any money to change schools right, so she will have no choice anyway.


things are going hay wire becuase there is no leadership.

once she actually listens, take the time out and sit and talk with her becuase there could really be something wrong and that wouldn't be fair or right to leave it ignored.

if she doesn't go to the school she wants still be fair and let her see her friends still. friends are important and so is socializing. by you letting her see her friends despite that the fact that she isn't going to the same school as them, will show that 1) you don't mean to abuse your authority over her (as she may be taking it) and 2) if she shows she is being "rewarded" she will be inclined/compelled to listen to anything else you may tell her.

so basically, by giving her what she wants in return for her giving you what you want, it shows that you are being fair and then that's when she is likely to listen.

but like i said first she needs to take you/her dad seriously. if she sees he doesn't care, she wont either.

:wa:

Thank you for the response sister. I agree with you and I have been given this advice thousands of times.

But the main obstacle that I have is my father...he refuses to see her in pain and crying. He thinks she is a mental nutcase/and is doomed for mental failure the same way my mom is.

He says that if she doesn't get what she wants-she will committ suicide. He also says that he is just waiting for her to mature and be with her friends from school so that when she starts college, she will be able to live on her own.

This is all such a nightmare honestly...I'm not even kidding. I have never had to deal with something so stressful and heartbreaking in my whole entire life. I wouldn't even wish this misery/pain on my worst enemy. :exhausted

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

^ you cant advise your father? perhaps you need to get the the issue as to why he is like this and work from there.

i've seen parents who are afraid to disciplinary their child for reasons such as fear that they are being too harsh, or that the child has had something happen to him/her (eg an illness) and so the parent/s feel more attached/concerned over them.

is she the only girl in the family? is she the youngest? perhaps he saw his own paretns being to harsh on him and sisters and so affected him. i've seen this happen as well where the father saw his own father being too harsh in discipline....

so what im trying to get at, is that you may need to understand his reasons why and work from there. he may need gentle advising and reminding. it shouldn't be direct because he thinks what he is doing is right, so telling him his parenting needs abit of modifying might offend him (and rightfully/understandably so), but in a way that corresponds and compliments his way of thinking.

 

[gs450la]

^ you cant advise your father? perhaps you need to get the the issue as to why he is like this and work from there.

i've seen parents who are afraid to disciplinary their child for reasons such as fear that they are being too harsh, or that the child has had something happen to him/her (eg an illness) and so the parent/s feel more attached/concerned over them.

is she the only girl in the family? is she the youngest? perhaps he saw his own paretns being to harsh on him and sisters and so affected him. i've seen this happen as well where the father saw his own father being too harsh in discipline....

so what im trying to get at, is that you may need to understand his reasons why and work from there. he may need gentle advising and reminding. it shouldn't be direct because he thinks what he is doing is right, so telling him his parenting needs abit of modifying might offend him (and rightfully/understandably so), but in a way that corresponds and compliments his way of thinking.

:wa:

She is the only girl in the family and the middle child (older boy 20 years old, and 9 year old brother). She 2 months shy of turning 14.

He believes that she has the same mental illness that my mom supposedly has and that she is unable to accept reality. He says that she must be treated nicely in order to get his point across. This is why he sugarcoats everything before talking to her.

We are at a rift as to the school issue. my mom is pressing her to go and she says that if she does not go she will call school authorities/police to focefully take her. On the other hand, my dad says that she is distraught and depressed about not being able to go to the school where her friends attend and says that he will threaten to sue the district in order to get them to comply with their request.

This has gone too far. Man, the unfortunate thing in life is you can't go back 3-4 years and change things....we would have been so much better off.

However, I continue to pray to allah for his mercy and for him to make my sister understand. I just hope that whatever decision we make gives her the best platform for her to be successful and is in her best interest (mentally, physically, etc.)

It is a very challenging time for us! Please pray for us.

Sincerely,
Ehsan

 

[gs450la]

Today she refused to go to school again and there was a mandatory meeting between my parents and the principal/district officials. My mom showed up in her car and my dad had no luck in getting my sister to come. The prinicpal was furious and then tried to call her and persuade her to come. My sister eventually gave in and came there.

At the meeting, they told my parents that today is the third day of school and if she misses any more school due to unexcused absences, she will be labeled a truant and criminal charges will be fined against my parents and my sister. In addition, the District Attorney will be notified. My sister was told loud and clear today that she will not be able to get to go to the school she wanted as it is full. She cried and said she would get herself expelled.

I feel bad for her because I know that it must be difficult having to deal with the fact that you have no friends and don't know anybody in a new high school. All her contacts were at the high school that is full. I am afraid that she might resort to hanging with a rougher crowd and might end up in the wrong hands in the influence of drugs, alcohol, etc.

I just don't know what to do. I am going to comfort her as much as possible, I am just worried her potential and future might not be at jeopardy.

 

[IslamicRevival]

Mods please delete

 

[alcurad]

one of the biggest issues here is parents arguing constantly & disrespectfully. children imitate their parents, and the most damage is caused when the parents do not respect each other. this angle can't be really changed without commitment from both, and it's impossible for a child to 'unlearn' that it happened, but it would help immensely if the discord between your parents lessened. don't look for 100% solutions here, just what works. you can facilitate this and should if you want any normalcy to return, as the eldest child you Do have a voice, and and staying cooped up in your room is not going to help, even if it doesn't resolve everything it will help a lot.

secondly a teenager rebelling is quite normal, and IMO her 'problems' are not really all hers. now, dramatic proclamations of suicidal intent are rarely that, rather a cry for help. a person seriously contemplating suicide almost never says it openly, it's mostly an 'in your own head' thing, your sister's emotional outbursts are best dealt with by being firm but kind. this is too fuzzy I know, so for convenience see it this way, humans operate according to a very simple algorithm, the probability of rewarded action being repeated are high, % low for punished action. this varies according to the intensity/affect of the action and severity or type of reward and punishment. the problem here is that your sister is being rewarded fro very negative behavior, the more she 'pushes' the more she's rewarded, this is the crux of the problem, and without getting your dad at least to see this not much will happen.

one possible way of dealing with this could be the financial+emotional angle, your father might be extremely spoiling your sister but surely even he can see that by only rewarding negative behavior she's becoming a liability to the well being of the family, both emotionally and financially, the emotional part of this is easy to explain, the financial part is not just in the expensive things she might buy etc, but the ability of your father to efficiently conduct his business. this last is important, as it serves as a major incentive, and isn't just words of doom, but very real.

to start things have a talk with your dad, tell him that you need to talk to him, and then ease into your points, be as rational and unemotional as you can, and may allah make it easy for you.

 

[Danah]

May Allah ease your family affairs

Today she refused to go to school again and there was a mandatory meeting between my parents and the principal/district officials. My mom showed up in her car and my dad had no luck in getting my sister to come. The prinicpal was furious and then tried to call her and persuade her to come. My sister eventually gave in and came there.

At the meeting, they told my parents that today is the third day of school and if she misses any more school due to unexcused absences, she will be labeled a truant and criminal charges will be fined against my parents and my sister. In addition, the District Attorney will be notified. My sister was told loud and clear today that she will not be able to get to go to the school she wanted as it is full. She cried and said she would get herself expelled.

I feel bad for her because I know that it must be difficult having to deal with the fact that you have no friends and don't know anybody in a new high school. All her contacts were at the high school that is full. I am afraid that she might resort to hanging with a rougher crowd and might end up in the wrong hands in the influence of drugs, alcohol, etc.

I just don't know what to do. I am going to comfort her as much as possible, I am just worried her potential and future might not be at jeopardy.

at least that might change her a bit toward your parent because she will know that what is happening to her now is something not related to anyone in the family. I hope she will change to better especially when she saw your parent supporting her in her decision to move to that school.

 

[gs450la]

First off, wanted to wish everyone a belated Eid Mubarak! I hope everyone had a wonderful Ramadan and had lots of blessings.

Things, are still tense at home with my sister. My parents were told that since she had missed school she would be a truant as those absences were unexcused. If she missed further school, the district attorney would be involved and criminal charges would be filed against my parents.

Last week, she was refusing to go to school and this week she got sick and missed two days of school. Today, my dad picked her up and she just totally exploded in tears and said she won't go to the school anymore. She will only go to the school that she wants and just won't accept reality. She is totally refusing and says she doesn't care if the police come and file a criminal complaint against my parents. She will go to Juvenile Hall if it comes to that.

This is all very upsetting. I don't think any of you guys will have advice for something of this magnitude as clearly this is psychological and she won't give us one valid reason for not going other than saying that her friends aren't there. She refuses to make new friends nor does she try to interact with those at the school.

This is all so upsetting and depressing. My father seems at the verge of renting an apartment so he can make her go that school and he is very stressed out with everything.

Please make some du'as for us and if there is anything that I can recite to restore the peace in the house (any surah) or anything please let me know. I am doing the best I can, but this is really taking a toll on me and my life.

Thanks,
Ehsan

 

[gs450la]

Hope everyone is doing well...just thought I'd drop in an update on how things are going. A big thanks to everyone for all the prayers and thoughts/advice.

My dad begged my sister to go to school last week and she agreed as long as he would do something. He took her and my little brother to the bay area to meet with cousins as well as his brother and sister in law to see if they would be able to convince her. My sister still refused.

On Monday, my dad finally had enough of begging her and getting her ready each and every morning. He rented an apartment near the school of her choice and was able to get a spot for my sister in that school. My sister is very happy about this.

My mom doesn't even know about any of this and it is all being done behind her back. I thought and so did she that the school that is near are house attracted a better lot of people since it was in a better area and would be better for her. She said just give it one month of actually going to the school (which my sister did not do she repeatedly tried to make lame excuses to get out of going to school).

My father thinks that psychologically it would be best to keep her around the set of friends she has had in the past even though we don't really know them. :hmm:

So now, I think the divorce ball is going to move into full swing. my mom will think that my sister knows how to manipulate things and will always be able to get what she wants. She has been on silent terms with my dad for about a month now and the school district knows it as well. They have been on different pages on this issue.

She is starting menopause so she is going to be extra angry.

Now we are just in the process of selling the house as we can't get a refinance on our mortgage and it's just too much money to pay every month...with the eminent divorce and the fact that dad has gotten an extra apartment it's pretty certain that the family will be divided. My sister is very happy about this as it means she will be spoiled all the time now without any pesky mom. I am just concerned about the psychological implications it will have on my 9 year old brother who already suffers from a learning disability.

Allah (SWT) knows best. I just hope we can sell the house for a good price and sell the business for a good price as well so that financially both of my parents will be able to independent and comfortable.

These days I just get plagued with mental thoughts of what I could have done differently 5 years ago, 3 years ago, 2 years etc. it's so overwhelming. Unfortunately, there is no dua for time travel into the past. I have started school this week and I am looking into seeing a counselor.

I have learned a good lesson from all of this and that is to be a good practicing muslim as that keeps your heart at peace in times of distress.

Please continue to keep us in your dua's.

Regards,
Ehsan

 

[Snowflake]

The troubles plaguing your family are indeed sad to hear Brother. May Allah have mercy on you and your family. Ameen. Is there anyway, you can get your parents to see an islamic counsellor? Given the right advice from a knowledgeable person may help save your parents marriage. Someone needs to remind and help them come towards the deen. I know you have a lot on your plate already, but please try to exhaust all possibilities of preventing the break up of your family inshaAllah. May Allah make your life easy and grant you success in both worlds. Ameen.