Asking for her picture is equally insulting. If I were a woman, I think I'd feel very insulted if someone rejected me just by looking at my picture. But then again, I doubt I'd want to spend the rest of my life with such a shallow person
I've heard of cases where relatives/friends of the girl convince her to go out somewhere where the man can take a good look at her without her knowledge. That way you can watch the way she behaves too...
I've also heard of cases where the man visits the girl's workplace/uni/whatever n makes up a scenario where she's forced to communicate with him. That way she gets to see you too.
I still find it stupid but I suppose it's much better than asking her for her photo n judging her based on her looks
only.
Whatever you do, just make sure she doesn't know about your plans till you're absolutely convinced she's the one.
Arranged marriages are pathetic.
You classify having the preference of liking the other persons appearance as being shallow?? Some of us have preferences with regards to our potential partners just like you have preferences in other areas of your life.
I'm sure you prefer a particular type of car , or a particular type of friend, or a particular type of food, just like I prefer a particular type of women, that doesn't make me shallow does it? I have a preference with regards to this area of my life just like you have preferences with regards to other areas of your life.
And you certainly don't see me calling people shallow because they have preferences with regards to various things in their life like the company they keep, the vehicle they drive, the way they style their hair.
I have a preference for a particular type of women just like you also have a preference for a particular kind of women, and part of my preference is that I like the appearance of the women.
Yes your preference could be different to mine in that you don't mind if her appearance isn't pleasing to you, but not the whole world is like you.
I think you've been influenced by watching too many hollywood teen movies and teen dramas ;D
We know from the sunnah that the prophet pbuh encouraged a man to look at a women first, to see if he liked her and he was a companion of the prophet pbuh.
Just like some sisters have the preference that the man has to have a beard, does that make them shallow? No it doesn't because that's their preference with regards to men.
My preference with regards to women is she wears hijaab and is praticing and her appearance is pleasing to me what's so shallow about that?
Also I don't remember saying I'd reject her if I didn't like the picture, her appearance is one of the things that I will take into account when making my decision. It's not the sole factor in my decision it's one of many factors that will help shape my decision.
the reason I asked for a picture is the girl lives many miles away and it's not feasable to travel that great distance to see her.
If I don't like the picture I'll still meet her at a future date when it's more feasable cos pictures can be deceiving to a point, however by looking at a picture I can take another thing into account her appearance.
hence we just asked for a pic as it's easier than travelling all that way and then realise I don't even like her appearance.
I'm sure you have preferences with regards to physical appearance too, for example would you get married to a bold women or a women with loads of facial piercings? or a women with a moustache? or a women who plucked her eye brows?
I'm sure you have preferences too so please don't call me shallow for having them. One could argue that he's following the advice of the prophet pbuh by looking at the lady first before deciding to propose to her
The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “When one of you proposes to a woman, if he can look at that which may encourage him to go ahead and marry her, let him do so.” He said: I proposed to a girl and I used to hide myself from her until I saw that which encouraged me to marry her, and I went ahead and married her. This hadeeth was classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Abi Dawood.
I'm just following the advice of the prophet pbuh brother, I want to look at that which may encourage me even more to go ahead and marry her.
So please don't call me shallow for following the advice of your prophet and mine peace be upon him.
Also somebody posted a link to Islam QA where scholars have dealt with this issue and they said the following
"If you cannot travel to see the one to whom you want to propose, then you can look at a picture of her, but you should realize that a picture is not a true reflection of reality. A woman may appear more beautiful in a picture than she really is, and vice versa.
You also have to get rid of this picture and not keep it, and you have to be careful so that no one else sees it but you.
Do not ask for a picture until you have feel that you want to marry her, after asking about her religious commitment and situation, and you think that you will most likely be accepted. When there is nothing left to be done but seeing her, then ask for the picture at that point, because of the report narrated by Ahmad (18005) and Ibn Majaah (1864) from Muhammad ibn Maslamah, who said: I proposed marriage to a woman, then I hid and waited to see her until I saw her among some date palm trees that belonged to her. It was said to him: Do you do such a thing when you are a companion of the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him)? He said, “When Allaah causes a man to propose to a woman, there is nothing wrong with him looking at her.” It was classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Ibn Majaah.
Al-Nawawi (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: If he wants to propose to her it is mustahabb for him to look at her lest he come to regret it. Another view is that this looking is not mustahabb, rather it is permissible, but the former view is the one that is correct, because of the ahaadeeth. It is permissible to look repeatedly in order to have a good idea about her physical appearance, whether the looking is with her permission or not. If it is not easy to look, he may send a woman to look at her and describe her to him. End quote from Rawdat al-Taalibeen (7/19)".
Looking at one’s fiancée or at her picture is subject to the condition that there be no provocation of desire, so he should look at her without pleasure.
It says in Mataalib Ooli al-Nuha (5/12): If the one who proposes to a woman is certain that there will be no provocation of desire when looking at her, without being alone with her, he may look at her. If he is alone with her or there is the fear that desire may be provoked, then it is not permissible. End quote.
And Allaah knows best.
I've asked about her religious commitment and her character and I am pleased with them and I cannot travel to see her therefore a picture remains the only viable option.
