Were you physically attracted to your spouse before marriage?

[MustafaMc]

I am an 'old husband' and, yes, I find my wife physically attractive as I did when we first married even though I can imagine that perhaps relatively few here who would agree with me back then (26 years ago) or even now. I believe that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

 

[Cabdullahi]

I agree ... but within reason, you shouldn't be too harsh on us though because I believe that is how Allah (swt) created us. It is odd to me that all of the male birds are more beautiful than the females, but with humans it is the woman who beautifies herself to attract the men. To a certain point a man and woman should find the other reasonably attractive to the other. Excuse the corny phrase, 'Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.'

The outer beauty (eyes, face, skin color, body shape, muscle tone, etc) initially attracts, but it is the inner beauty (faith, honesty, integrity, kindness, strength of character, humility, intellect, etc) that helps to maintain a marriage.

Please elaborate more on "muscle tone"

something like this : i want my wife to have solid biceps and a bulging neck?

 

[~ Sabr ~]

I think the brother means he doesn't want flab hanging off her, something that shows she has strong muscles is better, e.g. a toned body.

 

[Muhaba]

this was the way people would get married in the past and they never complained of not having attraction, etc. Ppl would get introduced to their spouses through parents and some didn;t meet spouse until the day of nikah. But there were less problems in those marriages than today.

today ppl wonder if such a marriage will have attraction because all they see around them is ppl meeting, falling in love, and then marrying (if they reach that stage).
what is the point of such a way of marrying if most such relationships end in breakups before the marriage? it shows that attraction/falling-in-love/relationships before marriage don't mean that that there will be a happy or successful marriage.

since in the past, arranged marriages worked, you shouldn't worry about them not worrking.
however, i think it's a good idea to get to know your spouse a bit before the marriage, after the nikah as is done in syria, where the couple talk and meet for a few months after the nikah to get used to each other. some families allow them to hang out/go out alone together while others insist that they can only meet each other in the presence of the girl's family and they can talk to each other on the phone.

after a few months, the couple is usually in love and ready for marriage.

 

[~ Sabr ~]

:salamext:

since in the past, arranged marriages worked, you shouldn't worry about them not worrking.

But in the past sis, people were a lot more tolerant of things which they aren't now and they shouldn't be, e.g. keep quiet even if you are right in front of your husband, etc. Mainly for women.

 

[Salahudeen]

this was the way people would get married in the past and they never complained of not having attraction, etc. Ppl would get introduced to their spouses through parents and some didn;t meet spouse until the day of nikah. But there were less problems in those marriages than today.

today ppl wonder if such a marriage will have attraction because all they see around them is ppl meeting, falling in love, and then marrying (if they reach that stage).
what is the point of such a way of marrying if most such relationships end in breakups before the marriage? it shows that attraction/falling-in-love/relationships before marriage don't mean that that there will be a happy or successful marriage.

since in the past, arranged marriages worked, you shouldn't worry about them not worrking.
however, i think it's a good idea to get to know your spouse a bit before the marriage, after the nikah as is done in syria, where the couple talk and meet for a few months after the nikah to get used to each other. some families allow them to hang out/go out alone together while others insist that they can only meet each other in the presence of the girl's family and they can talk to each other on the phone.

after a few months, the couple is usually in love and ready for marriage.

I see your point sis, but another factor to take into consideration is that people's hearts were alot pure back in the day, for example women did not see many men they lived very sheltered lives, they wern't exposed to the filth that is around today, which let them fall in love with their husband much quicker and appreciate his physical features easily because they hadn't been exposed to it much. What you mentioned still happens in the really conservative parts of the world.

But todays times are a stark contrast to the past, today girls and boys grow up being exposed to uncovered men/women on the TV or in the street and it makes them find it harder because they become de sensitized to seeing a man's/woman's aura.

I think if men were not exposed to women as they are in the west and vice versa physical attraction would arise from simply seeing the aura of your spouse. And it would not be so hard to feel the attraction. I think that's what it was like back in them times when they would get married without seeing each other, just seeing the aura of their spouse was enough to create attraction because their eyes hadn't been exposed to all the filth that exists in western society in terms of lewdness.

 

[ardianto]

A tip for sisters.

There's difference between physical beauty and good appearance. Physical beauty is something that not everyone has. Good appearance is something that can build by everyone.

Physical attraction is built by two factor. The minor factor is physical beauty, the major factor that more important is ability to build good appearance, like know how to dressed well, good in maintain cleanliness, know how to maintain good attitude.

If a woman is physically beautiful, but she less care about her cleanliness, doesn't know how to dressed well, has a bad attitude, .... she would not attractive. But if a woman not physically beautiful but has ability to build good appearance, ... she would be attractive.

So, sisters who, excuse me, physically not beautiful do not need to worry.

Men just want to get married only with women who can make them physically attracted. It's true. Even for many men, physical attraction is the main factor. But as long as you have ability to build a good appearance, you would be physically attractive in their eyes.

 

[Cabdullahi]

I think the brother means he doesn't want flab hanging off her, something that shows she has strong muscles is better, e.g. a toned body.

I have made some observations, and i have found out that caucasian brothers like toned muscles and african and arab brothers like a bit of flab hanging off.

Now, the million dollar question is, is MustafaMC a caucasian brother?

 

[Muhaba]

^actually all men like a bit of fat on women, according to book on psychology. men like average looking women not the very slim ones. women on the other hand, think they are more attractive when very thin, but that it seems is untrue.

 

[Cabdullahi]

^actually all men like a bit of fat on women, according to book on psychology. men like average looking women not the very slim ones. women on the other hand, think they are more attractive when very thin, but that it seems is untrue.

this is what ive been talking about for so long, i guess some brothers were conditioned to like toned muscles - or rather as i like to call it ''the block''.

 

['Abd-al Latif]

:salamext:

I'm inclined to close this thread because it is discouraged by the scholars for unmarried people to engage in such discussions about relationships. Though speaking about such matters is not forbidden, to discuss it as it has been on this thread is at least discouraged. Already people are talking about physical appearances, attraction and its causes as well as preferences of outward appearance. I'm inclined to believe that more than half the people who have posted on this thread are not married (seeing as this discussion has become very theoretical). These discussions fuel desires and it is for this reason why I always strongly discourage relationship discussions/threads, except for those that are either articles or delivered in the form of lectures.

Even if this thread was populated by those who could genuinely answer the original poster's question, I would still strongly discourage such discussions to continue. This is on the basis that the harm of giving insight to others about relationships far outweighs any benefit on a public forum. If genuine benefit was intended by the question, then I encourage privately asking people who are actually married rather than holding a public discussion. The next few posts may decide whether I will allow this thread to continue, though I can't really answer why I'm actually allowing this respite.

 

[MustafaMc]

Now, the million dollar question is, is MustafaMC a caucasian brother?

I am a caucasian. No where did I say what I personally found attractive nor have I described my wife who I personally find attractive. I wrote initially about what can generally be agreed upon by others as being 'attractive', but I did not insinuate that my wife possessed or lacked any of the afore mentioned aspects of inner or outer beauty. I personally believe that physical beauty is grossly overrated and I find it immature and disgusting that someone would reject a wife or husband because she or he lacked a particular feature that can be generally accepted as attractive. I believe that inner beauty and strength of iman is immensely more important than the outer appearance of a spouse or potential spouse.

 

[جوري]

:salamext:

I'm inclined to close this thread because it is discouraged by the scholars for unmarried people to engage in such discussions about relationships. Though speaking about such matters is not forbidden, to discuss it as it has been on this thread is at least discouraged. Already people are talking about physical appearances, attraction and its causes as well as preferences of outward appearance. I'm inclined to believe that more than half the people who have posted on this thread are not married (seeing as this discussion has become very theoretical). These discussions fuel desires and it is for this reason why I always strongly discourage relationship discussions/threads, except for those that are either articles or delivered in the form of lectures.

Even if this thread was populated by those who could genuinely answer the original poster's question, I would still strongly discourage such discussions to continue. This is on the basis that the harm of giving insight to others about relationships far outweighs any benefit on a public forum. If genuine benefit was intended by the question, then I encourage privately asking people who are actually married rather than holding a public discussion. The next few posts may decide whether I will allow this thread to continue, though I can't really answer why I'm actually allowing this respite.

It did take an ugly turn somewhere.. I unsubscribed a while back and clicking here now I am not liking the various detours. Perhaps if Bro Salahuddin feels he received sufficient replies he can give the OK to close the thread..in shaa Allah, Allah swt will grant him she who meets and exceeds all his expectations & may they have a long happy prosperous life together..

 

[Cabdullahi]

I am a caucasian. No where did I say what I personally found attractive nor have I described my wife who I personally find attractive. I wrote initially about what can generally be agreed upon by others as being 'attractive', but I did not insinuate that my wife possessed or lacked any of the afore mentioned aspects of inner or outer beauty. I personally believe that physical beauty is grossly overrated and I find it immature and disgusting that someone would reject a wife or husband because she or he lacked a particular feature that can be generally accepted as attractive. I believe that inner beauty and strength of iman is immensely more important than the outer appearance of a spouse or potential spouse.

I agree 100%

Two things why its superficial to talk about aesthetics :

A: because Allah created all people upon the best of forms.

B: A person's faith and character are the real things one should look for in a potential zawj or zawja.

I think it might have been me who derailed the thread. I apologize for doing so.

 

[yasirslm]

actually all men like a bit of fat on women, according to book on psychology. men like average looking women not the very slim ones. women on the other hand, think they are more attractive when very thin, but that it seems is untrue.

It's something new 4 me

 

[Muhaba]

I see your point sis, but another factor to take into consideration is that people's hearts were alot pure back in the day, for example women did not see many men they lived very sheltered lives, they wern't exposed to the filth that is around today, which let them fall in love with their husband much quicker and appreciate his physical features easily because they hadn't been exposed to it much. What you mentioned still happens in the really conservative parts of the world.

But todays times are a stark contrast to the past, today girls and boys grow up being exposed to uncovered men/women on the TV or in the street and it makes them find it harder because they become de sensitized to seeing a man's/woman's aura.

I think if men were not exposed to women as they are in the west and vice versa physical attraction would arise from simply seeing the aura of your spouse. And it would not be so hard to feel the attraction. I think that's what it was like back in them times when they would get married without seeing each other, just seeing the aura of their spouse was enough to create attraction because their eyes hadn't been exposed to all the filth that exists in western society in terms of lewdness.

you may be right. fewer ppl are getting married nowadays, ppl postpone marriage till late, and divorce rates have increased. all these are the result of uncovered women and free-mixing of men and women.

 

[Muhaba]

:salamext:

I'm inclined to close this thread because it is discouraged by the scholars for unmarried people to engage in such discussions about relationships. Though speaking about such matters is not forbidden, to discuss it as it has been on this thread is at least discouraged. Already people are talking about physical appearances, attraction and its causes as well as preferences of outward appearance. I'm inclined to believe that more than half the people who have posted on this thread are not married (seeing as this discussion has become very theoretical). These discussions fuel desires and it is for this reason why I always strongly discourage relationship discussions/threads, except for those that are either articles or delivered in the form of lectures.

Even if this thread was populated by those who could genuinely answer the original poster's question, I would still strongly discourage such discussions to continue. This is on the basis that the harm of giving insight to others about relationships far outweighs any benefit on a public forum. If genuine benefit was intended by the question, then I encourage privately asking people who are actually married rather than holding a public discussion. The next few posts may decide whether I will allow this thread to continue, though I can't really answer why I'm actually allowing this respite.

i think this is an important topic as it seems a lot of ppl don't like parents/families suggesting spouses for them. they are influenced by the Western way where ppl meet each other by themselves in schools, colleges, offices, parties, etc; get to know each other and then get married. young muslims nowadays think that the old-fashioned way won't work, but this is a wrong idea. It works, as it always worked and it is even better than the current way, as you don't have multiple relationships before finding the "one" (if you ever do).

if you like, just delete the posts that are not beneficial and leave the beneficial ones.

 

[ardianto]

i think this is an important topic as it seems a lot of ppl don't like parents/families suggesting spouses for them.

"Guys, did your mother ever suggest a girl for you"

That's a question of survey conducted by a magazine in Indonesia. There are many answers, but not so far from these three answers:

"Yes. Actually she is attractive girl. But I don't know why I didn't feel attracted. Might be because I felt my mother forced me smoothly"

"Yes. But I don't want to marry her. However, she, and especially her mother, then 'chase' me, phone me many times, urge me to come again"

"Yes. And I like that girl. She's beautiful, has good personality, smart, or in short word, she the right girl for me. Unfortunately ...... she didn't want to marry me!"

 

[Muhaba]

"Guys, did your mother ever suggest a girl for you"

That's a question of survey conducted by a magazine in Indonesia. There are many answers, but not so far from these three answers:

"Yes. Actually she is attractive girl. But I don't know why I didn't feel attracted. Might be because I felt my mother forced me smoothly"

"Yes. But I don't want to marry her. However, she, and especially her mother, then 'chase' me, phone me many times, urge me to come again"

"Yes. And I like that girl. She's beautiful, has good personality, smart, or in short word, she the right girl for me. Unfortunately ...... she didn't want to marry me!"

LOL
I guess they like it better if some school, office, party, or friend introduces them to each other.

meeting someone through your parent or meeting someone through social gathering is really no different, except that modern society makes it seem that the latter works while the former can not.

It's important to realize this and change the mindset so that marriages can be done islamically. mixed social gatherings are unislamic and have no place in Islam so it's not possible for a muslim to meet their spouse in that way.

 

[ardianto]

meeting someone through your parent or meeting someone through social gathering is really no different,

There's difference between meeting someone through parent, and meeting someone through cousin.

The parent bad habit is too intervene their kids. And although smoothly, parent usually force their kids to follow what they want. Different than cousin.

Here example of the difference.

Mother to son: "Mrs Fulan has a daughter. She is beautiful, smart, blah ..blah ..blah. I want you meet her. Tomorrow we'll visit her house. I have made an appointment with Mrs Fulan. If you refuse to go there with mommy, you would make mommy embarrassed".

Cousin to cousin: "I know a girl who is beautiful, smart, blah ..blah ..blah. May I introduce her to you?. If you agree, tomorrow we'll visit her home"