Were you physically attracted to your spouse before marriage?

[Banu_Hashim]

I think anyone who's just physically attracted to someone (someone who walks by for example) is using standards shoved into their brain by the media. We're humans with brains (hopefully most of us) and so we should use the intellect Allah gave us to evaluate a person physically, character-wise, personality-wise which should all contribute to an overall attraction to another person which can then manifest itself in a physical union between a man and wife.

But nonetheless, it was interesting to see the poll results so far.

 

[Muhaba]

There's difference between meeting someone through parent, and meeting someone through cousin.

The parent bad habit is too intervene their kids. And although smoothly, parent usually force their kids to follow what they want. Different than cousin.

Here example of the difference.

Mother to son: "Mrs Fulan has a daughter. She is beautiful, smart, blah ..blah ..blah. I want you meet her. Tomorrow we'll visit her house. I have made an appointment with Mrs Fulan. If you refuse to go there with mommy, you would make mommy embarrassed".

Cousin to cousin: "I know a girl who is beautiful, smart, blah ..blah ..blah. May I introduce her to you?. If you agree, tomorrow we'll visit her home"

parental-pressure as compared to peer-pressure?

 

[Predator]

Mother to son: "Mrs Fulan has a daughter. She is beautiful, smart, blah ..blah ..blah. I want you meet her. Tomorrow we'll visit her house. I have made an appointment with Mrs Fulan. If you refuse to go there with mommy, you would make mommy embarrassed".

This is nothing but emotional blackmail and is exactly what I meant when I said that it shouldnt be forced down the throat. Forced marriages are built on a corrupt foundation and tends to break off because of compatibility issues .The mother isnt the one who is going to spend the next 40-50 years with her
.
Such attempts at forced marriages should be crushed with an iron fist . The Son should turn the tables and threaten to sever ties if she persist with it and not ruin his life just to please his mother . Its the son's life and not the mothers

 

[Muhaba]

^brother, calm down. severing ties with one's kinship is not allowed in Islam. There is a hadith saying that those who sever ties of kinship will not enter Paradise.

One can tell one's parents nicely the kind of person he wants to marry and even that he wants to choose her himself, etc. There's no need to get angry about it as it will only make matters worse.

It's true that there are cultures that expect children to accept their parents' choice of spouse, but when i wrote about parents recommending potentials i wasn't talk about those sort of people. Parents, family, etc can recommend a spouse and then leave it to the two to decide whether they want to get married or not. Just as society will introduce you to someone and then you decide whether that person is right for you or not.

 

[ardianto]

@brother Predator

Brother, I did not talk about forced or arranged marriage. What I've written were based on reality in Indonesia, where arranged marriage is very very uncommon, but the mothers suggest a girl to sons is common enough.

The mothers in my place often 'push' their sons, but if the sons refuse to marry the girls who suggested by their mothers, the mothers would not force their sons.

Why the mothers often 'push' but the peers not?. It because there's different process in meeting someone through mothers and through peers.

If a mother suggest a girl to her son, it's because she find a girl who 'attract' her, and want to take that girl as her daughter in-law. Understandable if the mother push her son to take that girl, because she really want to get that girl as her daughter in-law.

Different than meet someone through peers which usually started by request from the guys themselves, who want to have someone. The peers will not push because they have no interest in this matter, just want to help.

And I do not talk about the fathers, because the father in my place never suggest anyone to their kids. What the fathers do just watch the guys who come to their daughters. If a father see something wrong with a guy who approach his daughter, he would intervene. If the father think, that guy is OK, he would let his daughter to accept that guy.

 

[ardianto]

I think anyone who's just physically attracted to someone (someone who walks by for example) is using standards shoved into their brain by the media. We're humans with brains (hopefully most of us) and so we should use the intellect Allah gave us to evaluate a person physically, character-wise, personality-wise which should all contribute to an overall attraction to another person which can then manifest itself in a physical union between a man and wife.

But nonetheless, it was interesting to see the poll results so far.

Depend on their maturity level. Mature people will not only look at physical attraction. Even many of them put physical attraction as the last consideration when they are looking for spouses. Different than immature people who could forget everything when they are physically attracted to someone.

Movies are influencing those immature people mindset. They follow what they have seen in movies without they realize, that's just in movies. When immature man attracted to a girl, he writes a love poem, memorize it then say this poem to the girl who attract him. In movie it could make the girl so impressed. But in the real world, it will make that girl see him as weird guy.

 

[Predator]

Understandable if the mother push her son to take that girl, because she really want to get that girl as her daughter in-law.

Chosing a wife is a right of the son and not the mother. These mother in laws, just need a house-help or servant , if thats the case then they can have it by hiring in the market.
There is no need for them to ruin a Sons life by forcing him into marriage which he doesnt want to be a part of

 

[sofiap]

there may be differences in every ones story,from those who have had arranged marriage or forced marriages, i think it all depends on the two people,for some it may come before,for others it has come afterwards,but this is due to attraction of the 'personality' of that person/spouse rather then the looks generally...masha Allaah, but more then that if we want to recognise the deeper truth,its the Mercy of Allaah that binds the two souls together,as Allaah knows best about hearts,and intentions and ones supplications...the rest is up to us how much maintenance we wish to invest in our marriages..

 

[sofiap]

i didnt include love marriages,as that is more apparent,that attraction exists first and foremost..hence why it is called love marriage..;

 

[ardianto]

i didnt include love marriages,as that is more apparent,that attraction exists first and foremost..hence why it is called love marriage..;

That's in movie, ukhti.

In the real world, love marriage usually started after two person attracted by each other character and personality, then start to attracted physically.

 

[Salahudeen]

:salamext:

I'm inclined to close this thread because it is discouraged by the scholars for unmarried people to engage in such discussions about relationships. Though speaking about such matters is not forbidden, to discuss it as it has been on this thread is at least discouraged. Already people are talking about physical appearances, attraction and its causes as well as preferences of outward appearance. I'm inclined to believe that more than half the people who have posted on this thread are not married (seeing as this discussion has become very theoretical). These discussions fuel desires and it is for this reason why I always strongly discourage relationship discussions/threads, except for those that are either articles or delivered in the form of lectures.

Even if this thread was populated by those who could genuinely answer the original poster's question, I would still strongly discourage such discussions to continue. This is on the basis that the harm of giving insight to others about relationships far outweighs any benefit on a public forum. If genuine benefit was intended by the question, then I encourage privately asking people who are actually married rather than holding a public discussion. The next few posts may decide whether I will allow this thread to continue, though I can't really answer why I'm actually allowing this respite.

Close thread please.

 

[cuezed]

How did you feel when you first met her?
And how did you mature together as a couple after your wedding?

Alhamdulillah, it was love at first sight. The fact that we were both practicing muslims (or trying to practice) was enough for us to accept each other. And it's still the same now.

 

[glo]

Alhamdulillah, it was love at first sight. The fact that we were both practicing muslims (or trying to practice) was enough for us to accept each other. And it's still the same now.

That sounds wonderful. May God continue to bless your marriage.
That shared commitment is very important to build a strong marriage.

 

[ardianto]

Alhamdulillah, it was love at first sight.

Actually, there's no love in the first sight. What you felt was "happy surprise", that made you feel comfortable with her. And it built love in your heart immediately.

Alhamdulillah, I am happy to hear it.

 

['Abd-al Latif]

Close thread please.

Request granted

:threadclo