What do you do when you're angry :O ?

[Eric H]

Greetings and peace be with you Scents of Jannah; thanks for your kind words, and yes all good things come from God, we have so much to thank him for.

A few years ago a woman was telling me about the severe headaches; she was suffering with most nights. I asked her if it was just pain she was suffering with, or did she have any troubling thoughts as well. I asked if these were recent thoughts, or did they go back a long time.

It turned out they went back thirty years, when she was abused as a young girl, the man concerned was never brought to trial, and she has not seen him since. He did go to jail for an offense against someone else, if he is alive now he would be very old.

The man who abused this girl still controls her even though she has not seen him since. The reason I say this is because every night she goes to bed her thoughts will turn to the abuse. She will feel anger at the injustice, and she is still an angry woman thirty years on, she takes her anger out frequently on other vulnerable people.

Because she has such anger against the abuser, she thinks about him constantly; and plans what she would like to do to him. She is left frustrated because she knows justice will never happen, and he still control her mind. He was in control at the time of the abuse; but does she want this lowlife to continue to devastate her mind for the rest of her life.

If she can; the first step might be to use her anger in a positive way. She can learn to be angry with herself for being so weak; and allowing the rapist to control her mind after the event. She cannot change the past, but she can influence the present, she is the only one who should be in control of her own mind.

Because she has carried this anger for so long, she seems to be suffering depression, and possibly some kind of mental problems too. I have talked about forgiveness with her, for about a year now, but she cannot seem to let go, anger burns away inside, and the person who suffers the most, is the one who is angry.



In the spirit of praying for an inner peace that surpasses all understanding.

Eric

 

[Snowflake]

Greetings and peace be with you Scents of Jannah; thanks for your kind words, and yes all good things come from God, we have so much to thank him for.

A few years ago a woman was telling me about the severe headaches; she was suffering with most nights. I asked her if it was just pain she was suffering with, or did she have any troubling thoughts as well. I asked if these were recent thoughts, or did they go back a long time.

It turned out they went back thirty years, when she was abused as a young girl, the man concerned was never brought to trial, and she has not seen him since. He did go to jail for an offense against someone else, if he is alive now he would be very old.

The man who abused this girl still controls her even though she has not seen him since. The reason I say this is because every night she goes to bed her thoughts will turn to the abuse. She will feel anger at the injustice, and she is still an angry woman thirty years on, she takes her anger out frequently on other vulnerable people.

Because she has such anger against the abuser, she thinks about him constantly; and plans what she would like to do to him. She is left frustrated because she knows justice will never happen, and he still control her mind. He was in control at the time of the abuse; but does she want this lowlife to continue to devastate her mind for the rest of her life.

If she can; the first step might be to use her anger in a positive way. She can learn to be angry with herself for being so weak; and allowing the rapist to control her mind after the event. She cannot change the past, but she can influence the present, she is the only one who should be in control of her own mind.

Because she has carried this anger for so long, she seems to be suffering depression, and possibly some kind of mental problems too. I have talked about forgiveness with her, for about a year now, but she cannot seem to let go, anger burns away inside, and the person who suffers the most, is the one who is angry.



In the spirit of praying for an inner peace that surpasses all understanding.

Eric

Hi Eric,

It's a shame and so sad, but you're absolutely right, this lady is hurting no one but herself. I think many of us do that without realizing sometimes. But it's been a long time since this lady has allowed her exprience to affect her. Her thoughts have probably become a habit and she can't think any other way. But a professional can help her God willing. So it's worth suggesting. It's also good and kind of you to advise her as you did. I pray she gets the help she needs and finds peace within herself.


Peace

 

[Ğħαrєєвαħ]

When i go angry i have a geeky strike, i go on a strike,where geeks need to chillaxx and have it easy and Read "Aazu Billah Hemashaytaan Nira Jeem" "I seek Refugee in Allaah from Shaytaan the outcast"

Anger is from the Shaytaan

Also some Hadeeth:
"The strong man is not the good wrestler; the strong man is only the one who controls himself when he is angry."
(Bukhari, Muslim).

Ibn 'Umar said, "There is nothing that is swallowed greater with Allah in reward than a slave of Allah who swallows and contains his rancour out of desire for the pleasure of Allah." (Bukhaari)

Aslam said, " 'Umar ibn al-Khattab said, 'Do not let your love be a total infatuation. Do not let your anger be destruction.' I asked, 'How is that?' He replied, 'When you love, you are infatuated like a child. When you hate, you desire destruction for your companion.'"[Al Bukhaari]

InshaAllaah they help . . .

 

[Danah]

Honestly

When I get angry n it takes a whole lot of crap to get me over the edge. Thats it, I just like to get things off my chest right away, even if the person doesnt want to hear it I'll just say it. When I'm done gettin things off my chest I will exit the door, keep to myself. Show the person that I don't want to speak to them...Start my ignoring session:embarrass doesnt usually last long.

SubhanAllah I do the exact same thing at home! and they know that it is my style so they don't get hurt because they know that soon I will go back to my ownself after a while so they in most cases don't engaged in any conversation with me and don't come after me to my room.

The most beneficial thing of this strategy is not keep it in my chest because usually when anger get locked and accumulated like that it will soon turned to grudge that will be hardly removed!

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

it depends on the situation sometimes you get angry but its pointed out to you that its your own fault and/or your anger isnt justified. so, naturally you calm down. other times your anger is justified but its still necessary to control it.

its important to remember, as someone pointed out on this forum once, that the more you act on your anger, the less you teach yourself patience (something along those lines anyway).

another thing to remember is that anger is one of those emotions that the more you "feed" it, the more it will get better of you...so basically, if you act on your anger, then its never really going to satisfy it, so its best to leave it suppressed and try find other means to vent. its like being really hungry and then taking a bite of something then putting it down only to want to eat it more, because you haven't sufficiently fulfilled your hunger properly...in such case, its probably best to stay hungry.

if you cant control your anger, at-least think of the consequences which may occur due to acting on your feelings. its good to walk away and stay by yourself in a corner somewhere whilst your emotions calm down.

now the tough question: how do you find way to vent anger...its not so much anger management that is the problem, but the feeling of unresolved emotion/anger that lingers behind as a result of not acting on your anger which that can be just as bothersome. does anyone have any ideas on how to vent anger in a permissible way without falling into some sin or another.

 

[Salahudeen]

it depends on the situation sometimes you get angry but its pointed out to you that its your own fault and/or your anger isnt justified. so, naturally you calm down. other times your anger is justified but its still necessary to control it.

its important to remember, as someone pointed out on this forum once, that the more you act on your anger, the less you teach yourself patience (something along those lines anyway).

another thing to remember is that anger is one of those emotions that the more you "feed" it, the more it will get better of you...so basically, if you act on your anger, then its never really going to satisfy it, so its best to leave it suppressed and try find other means to vent. its like being really hungry and then taking a bite of something then putting it down only to want to eat it more, because you haven't sufficiently fulfilled your hunger properly...in such case, its probably best to stay hungry.

if you cant control your anger, at-least think of the consequences which may occur due to acting on your feelings. its good to walk away and stay by yourself in a corner somewhere whilst your emotions calm down.

now the tough question: how do you find way to vent anger...its not so much anger management that is the problem, but the feeling of unresolved emotion/anger that lingers behind as a result of not acting on your anger which that can be just as bothersome. does anyone have any ideas on how to vent anger in a permissible way without falling into some sin or another.

Doing a high intensity exercise where you push yourself to the limit like running really fast and not stopping . Keeping 1 of those toy inflatable hammers in the house and hitting something over and over untill you feel better. When I'm angry my heart starts racing and the last thing I can do is sit down and be contemplative. I have to do something that allows me to release the anger if that makes sense.

 

[MysticRiver]

Generally, I do nothing. I swallow it up. I let some time roll on, then, I say calmly what upset me. I know that when arguing, one can say very hurting things that one doesn't necesserily mean. Words are like bullets:Once they're shot, it's impossible to get them back.

 

[Ğħαrєєвαħ]

^Soo Truee sis

 

[Woodrow]

Most of us can use our own parents as examples of anger control. Most parents have developed a good degree of anger control.

Think back at some of the things we did as kids to anger our parents. If they did not have good anger control we would not have lived long enough to worry about it.

All of us have done things to anger others. Look at the actions of those we have angered and replicate the actions of those who have earned our respect for how they controlled their anger.

 

[Danah]

I was looking for Mohammad Al-Sharif lectures and came to this one, and I immediately remember this thread. I downloaded the lecture and will listen to it today inshaAllah.
Even though I didn't listen to it, but I am sure it will be amazing like his other lectures, so I will recommend everyone to listen to it too:

Anger Management
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Abu Hurairah, may Allah be pleased with him, reported: Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) said: The strong man is not the one who wrestles well but the strong man is the one who controls himself when he is in a fit of rage. [Sahih Muslim]
​

Download
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http://www.kalamullah.com/Muhammed Alshareef-1/Anger Management/Anger Management.mp3

 

[Vigno]

Most of us can use our own parents as examples of anger control. Most parents have developed a good degree of anger control.

Think back at some of the things we did as kids to anger our parents. If they did not have good anger control we would not have lived long enough to worry about it.

All of us have done things to anger others. Look at the actions of those we have angered and replicate the actions of those who have earned our respect for how they controlled their anger.

Asalamu Alekum

Ahm well, that doesn't really work for all parents in my opinion. Some parents have tortured their children when they did little things when they were barely speaking.
So if these kids look at their parents as an example then...not good.
But well you mentioned most parents and not all ^
Your second point is good ^ not saying the first wasn't though.
I think its scarce to find people holding back their tongue or fists at the time of anger, its lack of Imaan I would say.

Also, some people are already on the line, so its enough to say a single word and then BOOM.

 

[Vigno]

As to what I do when am angry...hmm...its hard to make me angry but if it happens then I stay quiet. However, if its something about Allah and the Prophet PBUH then I would defend if I could coz that would make me furious, but I won't attack or say foolish things.
The tongue is a dangerous tool that can easily lead its holder to Hell, may Allah save us from it, ameen

 

['Abd Al-Maajid]

When I get angry, I used to punch the walls and windows ...I was stupid then. Since then I am not yet able to deal with anger.

 

[Woodrow]

It does seem that modern life makes it more difficult for us to control anger and learn to use it as a constructive tool not as a prod to destroy. Sadly most of us become the angriest over that which is insignificant or things we can not change or even need to change. We have 2 choices, about anger.

1. Allow Allaah(swt) to handle the situation and go in accordance with how we are guided.

2. Take things into our own hands.

If we use option number one, there is no need for us let let own puny, human anger ruin our day.

If we are like most people and choose option 2. We have to pay the price for our actions and thoughts. Nearly if not always this course will hurt us more than what we are angry at. When we take it into our own hands we are limited to only 3 effective options.

1. Remove that which angers us.

2. Move our selves away from that whit angers us.

3. Change our own attitude about that which angers us and and decide we will accept it and live with it.

For those 3 methods to even have any impact we need to look at things from outside our own frame work of thought. Analyze that which angers us. WRITE (important you do write it out) that which is causing us pain or grieve. State specifically how it is causing us to be angry. Be as specific as possible. Now take your note and set it aside for 30 minutes. After 30 minutes read our note and Write out why it is causing us anger. What about it needs to be changed to make it not anger us. Decide on a course of action and follow through with it in thought and realistically see if that would give you the desired result.

City life angers me. What angers me about it is the noise and the rowdiness of the people. I do not want to change my attitude and become part of the rowdiness, I can not remove the noise or the people. That leaves me with one choice. Move out of the city.



Don't get angry, resolve that which is causing the anger and do not wait 60+ years to discover Allaah(swt) can do that better than we can.

 

[Eric H]

Greetings and peace be with you abdulmajid

When I get angry, I used to punch the walls and windows ...I was stupid then. Since then I am not yet able to deal with anger.

A few months ago I witnessed the tragic stupidity of a youth, who had moments earlier put his fist through a window. The police and the ambulance were present, as was the trail of blood.

I won’t go into details, but it was all because of a girl, he was off work for three months, and will be scarred for life.

A quote just to give a little more meaning…

No man can think clearly when his fists are
clenched.
-- George Jean Nathan.

Just some further thoughts on anger, the person who makes you angry, controls you, they own your thoughts and your mind, all the time you are thinking angry thoughts. Even worse, the person you are angry with forces you to do stupid things, that you know are wrong, and you would not do, this is summed up through another quote…

“Anyone who angers you conquers you


Anger is what makes a clear mind seem
clouded.
-- Kazi Shams.

In the spirit of seeking to forgive all transgressions, and to search for an inner peace that transcends all understanding.

Eric

 

['Abd Al-Maajid]

Thank you, my friend. Indeed this is an embarrassing moment for me...:embarrass:embarrass

 

[Eric H]

Greetings and peace be with you abdulmajid;

Thank you, my friend. Indeed this is an embarrassing moment for me...:embarrass:embarrass

Every one experiences anger, so please do not feel embarrassed.

Blessings and peace be wth you.

Eric

 

[scented blood]

I tell my mum...

 

[cat eyes]

im scary when im angry ive been told.:><: my lips go purple i don't know if thats normal

when i feel like killing some one i try not to act on it i just bite my tongue until it bleeds and smile innocently :happy:

 

[Woodrow]

Having read this thread several times, it reaffirms my belief that uncontrolled anger is often a very foolish emotion that serves no purpose except to cause a person to self destruct.

While anger can be a prod to push us to correct wrongs, it must be controlled or we become no different than that which we are angry about.

While anger is a necessary emotion it is also a fitnah when uncontrolled. In many ways it is similar to sexual behavior. In it's place and properly used it can be a source of good. But when one succumbs to the desire to enjoy it in an uncontrolled manner it is succumbing to temptation.

Let us admit to ourselves there is a feeling of immediate pleasure when we let our anger explode. We all probably know people we would deeply enjoy drop kicking into the closest pile of cow manure. But the reality is that if we allow our anger to take control, the consequences will hurt us much more than the person we take our anger out on.

Some results I have experienced in the days I allowed my anger to run rampant.

Destroyed friendships

Broken objects of value to me

Very sinful thoughts

Much physical stress upon my body

Irrational thinking

Causing those close to me to distrust me

I could make this a very long list, but I think that is enough to get the idea across.


One of the best examples would be my youngest son. He is quite a remarkable man, but had the misfortune of inheriting my temper. He is quite productive and a very hard worker. Also a very good business man. He was a millionaire by the time he was 21, owned and ran an oil refinery by the time he was 25. He was making a considerable amount of money from the refinery and was bringing home more money monthly than most people earn in their lifetime. But, he had trouble controlling his anger. Anyhow he entered into a contract with Mobile Oil to produce a large quantity of gasoline for them daily. With a bonus for each day he exceeded the quota. It takes quite a few people to operate a refinery. There were a few days when his production dropped. He took it out on his workers and exploded. In his anger he fired every worker he had. When he realized what he had done, he apologized. But it was too late and each and every worker refused to come back and work for him. He failed to meet the demands of his contract with Mobile, got sued for breach of contract, lost his refinery, his home, his savings and investments and his wife divorced him. A brief episode of uncontrolled anger cost him all he had worked for.

Uncontrolled anger only brings grief to those who allow it to be.

While anger is a blessing when used to correct a wrong, it is a tool that a person needs to learn to control and use properly. If you are experiencing pain as a result of your anger, you have not yet learned to control it and it is controlling you. You are allowing something besides Allaah(swt) to be the power in your life. BIG MISTAKE

Anger can be controlled and must be controlled if you are to avoid destroying yourself. Most of us tend to enjoy the immediate gratification of allowing unbridled anger to run rampant. The more we allow that to happen, the longer and more difficult it becomes for us to regain control over it. The next time you get angry, think carefully of how much it is going to hurt you and how far it is going to lead you astray.