What is the appropriate age for getting married?

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[MENTION=242]sister[/MENTION] MuslimInshallah

Oh, no. You misunderstand me, sister. But I understand why you thought like that [smile].

Okay, I will tell you my true story.

My late wife was my classmate in highschool. She was a beautiful woman. Many men tried to get her, but instead of accept one of them, she tried to approach me through my mother although I absolutely did not try to approach her because I already had a future wife who was not approved by my mother. Finally the girl who I wanted to marry decided to not marry me because this pressure, and I decided to surrender to my ex-classmate.

I married her in 1994 and got two children. In 2009 she got breast cancer. that later attacked her bones. Late of 2010 doctor removed her left breast that made her mentally down and felt inferior to me. But her life spirit raised up again after she realized that I still love her. In 2011 her condition look good. But in mid of 2012 her condition getting worse again, very fast. She became lame, disabled, and totally lost her beauty. But I still love her, and still take care her until Allah call her return to him at June 11, 2013.

Yes, I love my wife, not because her beauty. And I have a strong reason why I must love a woman, not because her beauty.

I know, many men want to have a life like my life, being good looking and be liked by women. But do they know what I felt when a woman attracted to my beauty? ..... worry!

I felt very worry, and I asked myself "How if I lost my beauty? how if there's another good looking man?". This is why I love my wife, not on her beauty, because I don't want to be loved because beauty. The only reason why I want to be loved by a woman is because I want to love her too.

This is what I can say, sister. Don't worry, I am not angry [smile again]
 
ardianto said:
Okay, I will tell you my true story.
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Thank you Ardianto, for sharing this beautiful and touching story. The gifts of the heart are the most precious. It sounds like the two of you were very Blessed with one another. And will be, inshallah.


May He Gift you and your children with strength and peace.
 
فرحان;2833684 said:
:ma: I have also heard of a 16 year old boy get married in UK with parents giving the helping hand. We need more marriages like this :ia: and understanding parents.
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Regarding the age of marriage, it has been my observation that early marriages are probably good for men. They do not, however, work very well for many women.


I have know girls as young as 13 being married. And what happened to them? They had to leave their educations and go and work for their in-laws. Then, after a few years of marriage, the boys grew up and were no longer interested in their uneducated and unsophisticated wives. They preferred more mature and interesting women.


For example, one 13 year-old girl I knew was married to an 18 year old boy (this is not in Canada; this would have been a criminal offence, here). By 17, she had 2 children, and looked worn and tired. Her husband went off to the city (they are small-town rural people). There he became interested in some other woman. He then phoned his mother back home and said that he didn't want his wife anymore. He said she could stay with his mother, or leave, he didn't care. She was now 18.


The last I heard of her, she was staying with her children in her mother-in-law's house. Her status is weak. She's sort of in limbo. Not exactly divorced, but neither married. She has to obey her (ex?) mother-in-law, or she risks losing her children. She has virtually no mehr, little education, and has few skills outside of household ones. She's essentially like a slave.


However, if this girl had been able to avoid marriage till she was older, and finish her education, then she would have had a chance to be able to get a job and some independence. And she would have been more highly prized by her husband and in-laws.


Now, you may say that things are different elsewhere. But I think it is a general rule that when a woman is tied down with family responsibilities at a young age, her own development is stalled. And her husband may well out-grow his interest in her.


Incidentally, before you all feel I am very anti-marriage, I should state that if my daughter wanted to marry as from 16, I'd be ok with this, if it is her choice, and if I felt she was ready to take on the responsibilities of children (and indeed, my daughters know this).


But I would put some important clauses into the Nikkah regarding divorce (she should have the man's kind of right, too, in case he abandons her and leaves her in limbo), mehr (I'd want it to be an amount not-too-easy for him, so that her husband would value her more. I find men value their wives more if they have to sacrifice a little in order to obtain their hand. If everything is too easy, he doesn't value her.) and provisions regarding potential children and what would happen in the event of divorce. I'd also counsel her to use contraceptives and to try to finish her education. I'd also want to make sure she'd not be expected to be a housemaid to her husband and family, and that they would live independently.


Regarding my boys... hmm I have a boy of nearly 16, and he is not at all ready to take on family responsibilities. I'm not going to even let him get his driver's license until he's a bit older! And I can't imagine my 13 year-old being ready by 16, either. He's still at the stage where he can't understand at all why men are so interested in women! However,if they were really mature and ready, I'd keep an open mind, I think.


In a similar way, I would be reluctant for my daughter to marry such a young boy, unless he was exceptionally mature and responsible (for instance, worked part-time while studying and doing well. Also, they'd have to be mature enough to run their own household, not live with parents).


I'm not saying it's an impossible thing, but both young people would have to be serious, independent and hard-working.


On the other hand, if a 16 year-old boy wants to marry an older woman (say...25-30?), this is different. The woman is clearly old enough to make her own rational decisions, and the boy must be exceptional for her to consider him. They'd not live with anyone's parents, but would be more independent.
 
Salaams,

It would be different for everybody. What may work for me may not work for you.

I remember towards the end of my A levels I looked a few years ahead and thought the number of years that still remained before I completed my studies, then added 5 years to stabilise myself after which I would seek a partner and hopefully start a family before I was 30. I really did not want to be too old by the time my kids reach their teenage years.

Alhamdulillah it worked out for me.

Can't say it is a formula for all, but that was for me.



Peace :shade:
 
I remember my beautiful moments when I did many fun activities with my friends when I was 16. And I cannot imagine if I lost these beautiful moment because I had married in that time.
 
Something that seems to be assumed by everyone here is that children is something that is supposed to happen soon after marriage. Well, it doesn't need to be that way. Young people can marry in their mid-teens but use contraception until they have the means to start a family.
 
Futuwwa said:
Something that seems to be assumed by everyone here is that children is something that is supposed to happen soon after marriage. Well, it doesn't need to be that way. Young people can marry in their mid-teens but use contraception until they have the means to start a family.
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Something that seem to be assumed by you is the purpose of marriage is only for sex. In mid-teens the youth are still mentally unstable and have not ready for a serious commitment of marriage.
 
What is the appropriate age for getting married?. It's depend on which community, which society. This is what I was not aware.

I come from upper-middle class family with big city life. The normal age for girls to getting married in my community is around 24-26. This is what I knew in that time, when I was in late of age 21 and met a girl in early of 21. Not in my city, but small town, south of my city which considered as village area.

She was working in a small company while I still in study. But when the first time I met her I was sure that she could be the right wife for me. So decided to 'take' her, and I got her.

I was happy, and planned to marry her around three years later after I finish my study and get a job. And I planned too, slowly I would tell my mother. Yeah, I was afraid my mother would not approve her due to social class difference. That girl was from low class. But she had something that I really like, modesty.

However, later she told me that she could not be with me because her mother did not approve me. Her mother urged her to marry soon, and her mother also had propose a man. So I went to that girl mother and ask her why she did not approve me. She told me, it's because I was still in study and need few years before I get a job. Then she explained that in her community, the appropriate age for girls to getting married was 18-20, and age 21 considered old. That's why her daughter should be married as soon as possible. I asked her how if her daughter was willing to wait for few years?. And replied with, if her daughter must wait for few years, there's possibility I would met another girl and leave her daughter. ....Ow, ow!

I asked help to her father (they divorced). He agree to give me time to finish study and get a job before marry his daughter. But that girl mother said, she was still worry that I would leave her daughter for another girl if the nikah delayed for few years. Then, after thought for a moment I decided to tell that I propose marriage and ready to talk about nikah. They changed their mind and agree, but they wanted to talk with my mother (my father had passed away).

Two day later I came with my mother. I told her that I would introduce someone, but after we arrived and she knew the situation, her anger exploded!. She told them that I was too young to get married, and also I was still in study. My mother scolded me in the car on the way home. But I was not give up. I back to that girl family and told them that I was serious to marry their daughter. Notice my seriousness, they agree to give me time to finish study and get a job.

End of the story?. finally that girl still decided to not marry me because she realized that she must wait if she wanted to marry me. Her age was one of her consideration.

So, what is the appropriate age for getting married?. Depend on which community, which society. This is what I have learned from my experience.
 
Futuwwa said:
Something that seems to be assumed by everyone here is that children is something that is supposed to happen soon after marriage. Well, it doesn't need to be that way. Young people can marry in their mid-teens but use contraception until they have the means to start a family.
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Assalaamu alaikum Futuwwa,

I totally agree that young people may use contraceptives. But I also know that contraception is no guarantee of avoiding pregnancy (I know this personally and professionally). Even a vasectomy cannot rule out this possibility (pregnancy rate in first 12 months of use in Canada: 0,2%). As generally used, oral contraceptives have a pregnancy rate of 6-8%. Male condoms, 14%. (If anyone wants to look through the literature and find out more about this topic, here is the link for the Canadian Contraception Consensus General Guidelines http://sexualityandu.ca/uploads/files/CanadianContraceptionConsensus_2004.pdf)

It is therefore necessary to always keep in mind the possibility of an unplanned pregnancy. This is why I feel that a person should be mature enough to deal with the possibility of a child before engaging in activity which may produce one. It is also why I always tell my children that I am open to their wishing to marry at a younger age (and believe me, I'd love to be a grandma!), but that they have to consider whether they are up to looking after a baby. And we have discussed at length all that this entails. Not to mention (smile) that the older ones have a pretty good idea of what babies require (I have 6 in all...)!

Interestingly enough, I have never had any problems with my children desiring either licit or illicit relationships during their teen years.
 
Assalaamu alaikum,


I would like to stress that I am not against marriage when you are young. In fact, I think it's a good idea to have children when you are young, fertile and energetic.


Furthermore, I myself married when I was young (for my society. I was 20, and in my circles this was very shocking. Women usually marry more around 28). I have never regretted this, even though that marriage eventually collapsed (after 18 years). I did not want to engage in extra-marital activity, and I loved my husband very much. And I am glad I had the opportunity to have many children, and I'm glad I was able to devote a lot of energy to them.


I do have experience with being married and studying, as I continued my studies for 5 years after marriage before having my first child. I have also experienced having a child and studying, as I had one last Master's level class to complete after the birth of my first child. It's hard! We also both worked and supported ourselves during our studies. And this did have an impact on our grades. I went from being a top student, to having a little above average grades.


If a younger person wants very much to marry, I believe that option should be available. I believe that completely blocking this avenue might lead to the younger person engaging in even more risky behaviour. However, I also believe that the older people around that younger person should make it very clear what are the risks and benefits of marriage, and how great a responsibility marriage and children are.


(smile) Which is what I have attempted to do on this thread.


May Allah Guide us all in our choices, and Bless us with His Mercy.
 
MuslimInshallah said:
I totally agree that young people may use contraceptives.
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Assalamualaikum, sister.

Men and women were created to attracted to each other, this is natural and not haram, but we should make it halal. Youth Muslim activist in my place can be attracted to each other too. In this situation, rather than engaged in bf/gf relationship, they choose to get married and still study with money that given by parents. And some of them use contraceptives because they haven't ready to have a child. But, they are already in college or university, not mid-teens youth.

What I disagree with brother Futuwwa is he suggest mid-teens boys and girls to get married to avoid haram relationship. Seem good, but relationship, especially marriage, need commitment. Anything can be happen in relationship, and only those who mature enough in the way of thinking that can solve the problems and maintain the relationship still harmonic. Are mid-teens people mature enough in their way of thinking?.

There is a better alternative.

In my first post in this thread I told the story which my youth gang proudly to call ourselves as "the guy who run out the girls". We were just joking with this term. Yes, we didn't have girlfriends. But it's because we prefer to be single which we could do many boy activities together. We had many female friends, but we were not interested to take them as girlfriends.

As boy, of course I had feeling toward the girls. Few times I felt attracted to a girl, but I could say "No!" to myself. Few times too, a girl interested to me, but I could avoid. The secret behind this ability was because I had learned much about love and marriage since I was kid. I believe that love cannot be separated from marriage. If a man and woman fall in love, they should get married. I also had been taught by older people to not hurt the woman's feeling. They told me "Imagine is a man hurt your sister's feeling".

In the early of my teenage, a girl in my age showed her 'likes' to me. Her brother, my older friend, also told me about it. Frankly, she looked good in my eyes. But there was something that suddenly appeared in my mind. Time for marriage still very far. The risk of relationship break-out was still big. And what was her feeling if then our relationship broken while she already love me so big?.

When I was teen, few of my friends told me that I had a "female mindset". It's because I didn't want to have girlfriend few time before marry the last. I just want to meet a girl, marry her, and live with her until death do us part. One woman for lifetime. I also convinced myself, whatever happen to her, I should always love her. Yes, sister, the cause why I tried not to surrender when my mother and family of the girl from south did not approve me. It's because principle "one woman for lifetime". But I could not prevent her when she decided to leave me. So I switched my love to my wife, and you already know my story with her.

Now imagine if we teach our children about love and marriage like older people taught me. In Shaa Allah, they will have ability avoid engaged in relationship in teen age.

Teach our children like I have been taught. This is my suggestion.
 
:sl:

That's a good question. I think 18 or 19 would be a good age for those who have matured quickly and have demonstrated that he/she is responsible to handle that kind of comittment. For others, I don't know. There's no right or wrong answer.
 
There is no age of marriage in Islam. And while it is not compulsory to marry off prepubescent girls by Islamic law, it is still good for girls of my race, therefore I will continue to marry my prepubescent girls off and I don't care at all what the enemies of Islam say or think.
 
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Dreamin said:
The right age for marriage is the age when the mind becomes mature enough to understand financial matters and take care of their finances. Allah has told us in the Quran (Surah Nisa) that when the orphan reaches the age of marriage, hand over to them their properties. Hence age of marriage is related to the maturation of the mind. If a person of age 16 can't take care of his/her property / finances, then 16 would not be the right age for that person to marry.
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as soon as an individual becomes mature (physically) would be the ideal age.
 
Karl said:
There is no age of marriage in Islam. And while it is not compulsory to marry off prepubescent girls by Islamic law, it is still good for girls of my race, therefore I will continue to marry my prepubescent girls off and I don't care at all what the enemies of Islam say or think.
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Marry off prepubescent girls? Is that a cultural thing or is that something that's allowed in Islam? I am not very conversant with this aspect of Islam. Please quote the Holy Quran or Hadeeth Sahih in your reply. Thank you.
 
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Karl said:
There is no age of marriage in Islam. And while it is not compulsory to marry off prepubescent girls by Islamic law, it is still good for girls of my race, therefore I will continue to marry my prepubescent girls off and I don't care at all what the enemies of Islam say or think.
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I don't care on what the enemies of Islam say or think, but I really care to what those little girls say and feel. They don't want to be married off and become sexual object. They just want to live their life, grow up, and reach their dream in the future.

Let her grow up,let her reach her dream, getting married in the right age with someone who she love.

Those girls as human too, like us.
 
ardianto said:
I don't care on what the enemies of Islam say or think, but I really care to what those little girls say and feel. They don't want to be married off and become sexual object. They just want to live their life, grow up, and reach their dream in the future.

Let her grow up,let her reach her dream, getting married in the right age with someone who she love.

Those girls as human too, like us.
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How do you know what they want? I'm getting really tired with people trying to turn Islam into a Zionist politically correct UN approved religion. Look the Zionists want to destroy Islam, they don't really care about child marriage as you may think, as they are always killing children anyway. The fact is, there is no age of marriage in Islam or any of the other major religions out there. Secularists have infiltrated and have destroyed the other religions and now they are working on Islam.
If you can't hold on to the tenets of Islam and you bend to the demands of the unbelievers then Islam will fall. Iblis wins the wager.
 
:salamext:

Let's keep this thread on topic. It is a general discussion about a good time to start thinking about marriage. We've already had discussions about children getting married before puberty - there's no need to repeat that here. Otherwise the thread may end up going downhill and getting closed.
 

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