What is wrong with me? Am I really that shallow?

[new2010]

Asslamualaikum,

first and foremost, I apologize that I annoy you with my marriage questions. However, I don't understand myself anymore. As you may already know form my prior posts, I am really frustrated about finding a wife. So desperate that I decided to use one of this apps where muslims can look for a spouse. I know, it's not ideal, and I don't like it, but otherwise I will never complete the half of my deen.

Now the issues: I am really disgusted of myself. I cannot believe how shallow I am. There is knowledgeable sister that I am talking to, but she is not attractive too me and a bit overweight. I know we are supposed to look at the religion in the first place, but what to do if you find the opposite not attractive at all? I hate it to bring myself into such situation. It is just hard to imagine to go for someone you don't feel attracted to at all. And there are narrations that tells us, that RasulAllah once said to a Sahaba, that he shouldn't get married to that specific Sahabi because the eyes of that folk are different.

How I am gonna say that I am not interested anymore without hurting her feelings? I mean it natural that you need to find the opposite at least kind of attractive.

 

[AbdurRahman.]

walaikum assalam rahmatullahi barakatuh

i think it may be best if you pass on this one; I.e. say no.

As it's the 'desire' urge that makes you desperate to get married right?, so.... if you don't find her attractive then your desires might not be quenched properly and that might leave you vulnerable to zina

 

[new2010]

walaikum assalam rahmatullahi barakatuh

As it's the 'desire' urge that makes you desperate to get married right?, so.... if you don't find her attractive then your desires might not be quenched properly and that might leave you vulnerable to zina

Yes that's right, but before I commit zinaa I would cut my ding dong (seriously!!) Allahs says:
"And they who guard their private parts, Except from their wives or those their right hands possess, for indeed, they will not be blamed -"

Saying just no it's too rude. She is a good muslima mashaAllah on the way of knowledge. Don't want to make her feel bad, because it's not her mistake. I definitely need advise from sister who are more sensitive...

 

[anatolian]

You dont have to reply her messages. Otherwise you will only increase the magnitude of her heart broken if you continue talking to her.

 

[AbdurRahman.]

Yes that right, but before I commit zinaa I would cut my ding dong (seriously!!) Allahs says:
"And they who guard their private parts, Except from their wives or those their right hands possess, for indeed, they will not be blamed -"

Saying just no it's too rude. She is a good muslima mashaAllah on the way of knowledge. Don't make her feel bad, because it's not her mistake. I definitely need advise from sister who are more sensitive...

Use a bit of brain bruv

There's nicer ways of saying 'no'

Another reason you want to say no is, you don't want to risk cutting your ding dong off

 

[new2010]

Use a bit of brain bruv

There's nicer ways of saying 'no'

Yeah, that's obvious; I though you meant that literally.

Just not answering is the best option or just dematch, but it is impolite though.

 

[AbdurRahman.]

Yeah, that's obvious; I though you meant that literally.

Just not answering is the best option or just dematch, but it is impolite though.

I edited my above post. Read last bit

 

[new2010]

Another reason you want to say no is, you don't want to risk cutting your ding dong off

But I have been risking cutting my ding dong off now for more than 12 years. The day will come, I will do it; just don't have the courage and scholars say it's haram (yes, when I was much younger, I searched for fatawa on islamqa).

It's really challenging. I really hope Allah will end this test for me soon, I hold the knife already in my hand.

 

[AbdurRahman.]

But I have been risking cutting my ding dong off now for more than 12 years. The day will come, I will do it; just don't have the courage and scholars say it's haram (yes, when I was much younger, I searched for fatawa on islamqa).

It's really challenging. I really hope Allah will end this test for me soon, I hold the knife already in my hand.

Even if you don't commit zina, it will be a unfulfilling life

 

[Saira Khan]

Now the issues: I am really disgusted of myself. I cannot believe how shallow I am. There is knowledgeable sister that I am talking to, but she is not attractive too me and a bit overweight. I know we are supposed to look at the religion in the first place, but what to do if you find the opposite not attractive at all?

السلام علیکم و رحمتہ اللہ

Refer to Hadith:
Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “A woman is married for four reasons: her property, her status, her beauty, and her religion. Thus, give precedence to the one with religion. May your hands be covered with dust (from helping the poor).”
Source: Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī 4802, Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 1466

I 'm being a psychologist, can tell you from your text that you are lacking will power, lacking self confidence, and a bit ego centric. You are prioritizing the temporary worldly gains in most of your matters. All these, are the root causes of your shallowness.
Stay blessed.

 

[*charisma*]

Asslamualaikum,

first and foremost, I apologize that I annoy you with my marriage questions. However, I don't understand myself anymore. As you may already know form my prior posts, I am really frustrated about finding a wife. So desperate that I decided to use one of this apps where muslims can look for a spouse. I know, it's not ideal, and I don't like it, but otherwise I will never complete the half of my deen.

Now the issues: I am really disgusted of myself. I cannot believe how shallow I am. There is knowledgeable sister that I am talking to, but she is not attractive too me and a bit overweight. I know we are supposed to look at the religion in the first place, but what to do if you find the opposite not attractive at all? I hate it to bring myself into such situation. It is just hard to imagine to go for someone you don't feel attracted to at all. And there are narrations that tells us, that RasulAllah once said to a Sahaba, that he shouldn't get married to that specific Sahabi because the eyes of that folk are different.

How I am gonna say that I am not interested anymore without hurting her feelings? I mean it natural that you need to find the opposite at least kind of attractive.

You can just say the truth.."I am not physically attracted to you and it's important for me to be attracted to someone I will marry," and move on. There's no need to beat around the bush or dwell on it. You don't necessarily need to be mean about it either, just be serious. It's natural not to be attracted to someone if they are just not attractive to you no matter how nice or religious they are. I mean you don't expect every girl to be attracted to you right?? Just as she shouldn't expect every guy to be attracted to her. If you're going to be a wimp about it then you'll lose respect. The best proposals are the most frank. No playing around, just get straight to the point and be as real as possible. You should already have in mind the type of person you want to marry, therefore I don't believe you should be taking long in courting anyone or getting emotions involved.

 

[new2010]

Even if you don't commit zina, it will be a unfulfilling life

Yes it is. But not only the part of missing intimacy. It's more just to have someone to share life with, built a family with and worship Allah TOGETHER. Really would like to have children and raise them in a good manner so they can contribute to a better society.

However, without a wife that is not possible.

السلام علیکم و رحمتہ اللہ

Refer to Hadith:
Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “A woman is married for four reasons: her property, her status, her beauty, and her religion. Thus, give precedence to the one with religion. May your hands be covered with dust (from helping the poor).”
Source: Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī 4802, Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 1466

I 'm being a psychologist, can tell you from your text that you are lacking will power, lacking self confidence, and a bit ego centric. You are prioritizing the temporary worldly gains in most of your matters. All these, are the root causes of your shallowness.
Stay blessed.

As a psychology student let me answer: Yes your right, I lack in self confidence and a bit in will power right now, since I have been into depression the last years. However, I am not ego centric! I am not prioritizing the temporary world. I give a sh**t about this world (sorry for language). Intimacy is important to have a balanced life. How to be intimate with someone you're not attracted to? This is ridiculous and excludes all from of human nature.

Islam QA: https://islamqa.info/en/answers/837...l-but-she-is-not-beautiful-should-i-marry-her

People who don't care about religion at all are interested in this world. When I had the chance to marry the most beautiful women on earth, with the restriction she is non-muslim. I wouldn't. Because I couldn't grow with her in my religion. But if I had the chance to marry a girl with a lot of taqwa but not attracted to at all, I couldn't marry her, because it need to fit too. Would you marry a man, who 1,5m tall and weights 180 Kilos? I don't think so. Appearance says a lot about life style and how you understand religion. Allah says "And they who are to their trusts and their promises attentive". I don't know if that related to our bodies too, but our bodies don't belong to us, there are a amana too, so we need to care ourselves.

I think your interpretation of the hadith is pretty radical and unrealistic!

 

[Saira Khan]

I am not interested anymore without hurting her feelings?

Not interested anymore? It means you were interested till now, and have realized her the same, and that is why now you are not feeling comfortable. Don't take it radical or something personal, we are just discussing something you have put at the forum. Yes of course you have the right to opt for what you like or what attracts you the most. My point is that one should think all these things at the very start, to later, avoid hurting one's feelings. Now what you have to do and you should do are bold and very clear decisions to get out of mess and to re-build your personality for yourself. You said you were in depression last years, you might know that it is anxiety that leads to depression. So try to sort it out first.
Stay blessed.

 

[new2010]

Even if you don't commit zina, it will be a unfulfilling life

السلام علیکم و رحمتہ اللہ

Refer to Hadith:
Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “A woman is married for four reasons: her property, her status, her beauty, and her religion. Thus, give precedence to the one with religion. May your hands be covered with dust (from helping the poor).”
Source: Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī 4802, Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 1466

I 'm being a psychologist, can tell you from your text that you are lacking will power, lacking self confidence, and a bit ego centric. You are prioritizing the temporary worldly gains in most of your matters. All these, are the root causes of your shallowness.
Stay blessed.

Not interested anymore? It means you were interested till now, and have realized her the same, and that is why now you are not feeling comfortable. Don't take it radical or something personal, we are just discussing something you have put at the forum. Yes of course you have the right to opt for what you like or what attracts you the most. My point is that one should think all these things at the very start, to later, avoid hurting one's feelings. Now what you have to do and you should do are bold and very clear decisions to get out of mess and to re-build your personality for yourself. You said you were in depression last years, you might know that it is anxiety that leads to depression. So try to sort it out first.
Stay blessed.

It's typo of course . Don't know how that "anymore" came there - it's late here and I am tiered.

Sure, I respect your opinion. There is nothing to do, if the other user don't reveal the picture in the first place and just after the conversation already started.

Decision is not necessary anymore, she vanished. Don't know how, but maybe she got suspicious, because I haven't responded. May Allah give her someone better than me.

My depression has other reasons, I have recently admitted to myself that I have one, now I start figuring out how to get rid of it. Being alone does not make it easier.

I respect your opinion but when you say your are psychologist, I expect a bit more critical thinking on both sides and not just to exploit hadiths that supports your personal view. At least you could formulate in the conditional, when you are unsure. Instead of judging people about their character for things that are not judge-able. Maybe it's my fault that I formulated my initial question like that.

Stay blessed too.

 

[AbdurRahman.]

Yes it is. But not only the part of missing intimacy. It's more just to have someone to share life with, built a family with and worship Allah TOGETHER. Really would like to have children and raise them in a good manner so they can contribute to a better society.

However, without a wife that is not possible.



As a psychology student let me answer: Yes your right, I lack in self confidence and a bit in will power right now, since I have been into depression the last years. However, I am not ego centric! I am not prioritizing the temporary world. I give a sh**t about this world (sorry for language). Intimacy is important to have a balanced life. How to be intimate with someone you're not attracted to? This is ridiculous and excludes all from of human nature.

Islam QA: https://islamqa.info/en/answers/837...l-but-she-is-not-beautiful-should-i-marry-her

People who don't care about religion at all are interested in this world. When I had the chance to marry the most beautiful women on earth, with the restriction she is non-muslim. I wouldn't. Because I couldn't grow with her in my religion. But if I had the chance to marry a girl with a lot of taqwa but not attracted to at all, I couldn't marry her, because it need to fit too. Would you marry a man, who 1,5m tall and weights 180 Kilos? I don't think so. Appearance says a lot about life style and how you understand religion. Allah says "And they who are to their trusts and their promises attentive". I don't know if that related to our bodies too, but our bodies don't belong to us, there are a amana too, so we need to care ourselves.

I think your interpretation of the hadith is pretty radical and unrealistic!

Bro you can have intimacy with someone you're not attracted to, however it will fall far short of full satisfaction... and never think you won't be vulnerable to shaytan, especially if you're recovering from depression... a weak mind can be the trigger point for weak self control

You need to move on from this however much you may disappoint her

 

[Abz2000]

It is likely that Allah :swt: has a good match for her and won't abandon her, If you marry her out of imagined pity, you may be putting yourself at risk of feeling very hurt when you have arguments (as is inevitable as you callibrate each other to common ground) since you will likely perceive her to be ungrateful and reaching above her league.

Marriage is not only about self or compromise - it's frustratingly complicated and erratic (sometimes you wish they just fk off and leave you to progress without the emotional drain, that's when attraction in some lawful way is necessary - although it may be her inner purity that attracts you (snow white isn't necessarily as fair on the outside as within).

I can't provide an answer and i don't think anyone else can, i am having more and more frequent arguments myself of late and struggling to find a balance of compromise, physical attraction is not the issue, rather - mental.
i would advise you to make your choice with Allah :swt: in mind and with your own self interest taken into account up to a degree so that the value of the spouse is also an incentive to keep going through the storms.

One thing i'll say for certain is - seek someone who is genuine.

 

[ardianto]

Assalamualaikum.

Getting a wife is not as simple as buying t-shirt. If you want to buy t-shirt you can go to t-shirt shop, choose the t-shirt you like, buy, and the t-shirt now belong to you. …. But if you want to get a wife?. You can find a woman who meets your criteria. But if she is not interested to marry you, then how can you marry her?.

When you meet a woman you maybe think “ah, she is not the type of woman that I want”. But do you realize?, when you meet a woman who you like, this woman maybe think too “ah, he is not the type of man that I want”. You can ask about it to the men who have ever rejected by women who they liked.

That’s why, when a man seeks a wife he must able to tolerate if this woman does not really match his expectation, rather than insist to seek a woman in his dream but always get rejected and rejected, and finally he never get married.

I don’t want to judge you as shallow because I know that you haven’t had experience with women, so you haven’t realize that not the woman beauty that will make a man loves her and feel comfortable. Different than me who is a widower who ever married for 19 years.

My advice for you, try to see a woman not only on her physical attractiveness, because if you see a woman only on her physical attractivness, very possible you will fall into wrong woman, who look attractive but has very bad character and personality. Marrying woman like this will only makes you suffer.

 

[new2010]

Bro you can have intimacy with someone you're not attracted to, however it will fall far short of full satisfaction... and never think you won't be vulnerable to shaytan, especially if you're recovering from depression... a weak mind can be the trigger point for weak self control

You need to move on from this however much you may disappoint her

Might be, but why should you do this? As you say if you find someone not only the character beautiful, you will feel attached to that person. I think if you marry someone not attractive but you are physically attracted to will make the marriage successful. That depends from person to person what you're attracted too.

You're right with the part, that depression makes it harder. I really see how my behavior changed in regard to women. Before this depression I was really strict and disciplined with not mixing or at least not talking to women. However, in the last years it changed a bit. I am still aware that this is not right, but I say to myself: I haven't commited any sin in that regard, so I won't do it in the future. That might be a trick by Shaytan. However, I recite Quran as much as possible and keep the Ayah regarding to Zina in mind and fear Allah as much as possible. So inshaAllah, Almighty will prevent me from being one of the evildoers. Another thing is, I cannot really avoid mixing with women because of school and work. I kind of don't take it that serious anymore, because I know my character already, but I am also aware that more pious people than me has fallen into zinaa. So it's a dangerous game and I try to really focus and deal with the situation so Allah is not displeased with me.

It is likely that Allah :swt: has a good match for her and won't abandon her, If you marry her out of imagined pity, you may be putting yourself at risk of feeling very hurt when you have arguments (as is inevitable as you callibrate each other to common ground) since you will likely perceive her to be ungrateful and reaching above her league.

Marriage is not only about self or compromise - it's frustratingly complicated and erratic (sometimes you wish they just fk off and leave you to progress without the emotional drain, that's when attraction in some lawful way is necessary - although it may be her inner purity that attracts you (snow white isn't necessarily as fair on the outside as within).

I can't provide an answer and i don't think anyone else can, i am having more and more frequent arguments myself of late and struggling to find a balance of compromise, physical attraction is not the issue, rather - mental.
i would advise you to make your choice with Allah :swt: in mind and with your own self interest taken into account up to a degree so that the value of the spouse is also an incentive to keep going through the storms.

One thing i'll say for certain is - seek someone who is genuine.

I think as you probably to do, that most people don't know how to fight or argue. I remember that I read an hadtih when RasulAllah saw. had a fight with one of his women and he left and went to the masjid and didn't come back after 3 months, if I remember correctly (if you know the hadith, please share it here). Sometimes it's the best to just take a break and calm down. If this bad energy is released often people see that the issue is smaller than it appeared.

Assalamualaikum.

Getting a wife is not as simple as buying t-shirt. If you want to buy t-shirt you can go to t-shirt shop, choose the t-shirt you like, buy, and the t-shirt now belong to you. …. But if you want to get a wife?. You can find a woman who meets your criteria. But if she is not interested to marry you, then how can you marry her?.

When you meet a woman you maybe think “ah, she is not the type of woman that I want”. But do you realize?, when you meet a woman who you like, this woman maybe think too “ah, he is not the type of man that I want”. You can ask about it to the men who have ever rejected by women who they liked.

That’s why, when a man seeks a wife he must able to tolerate if this woman does not really match his expectation, rather than insist to seek a woman in his dream but always get rejected and rejected, and finally he never get married.

I don’t want to judge you as shallow because I know that you haven’t had experience with women, so you haven’t realize that not the woman beauty that will make a man loves her and feel comfortable. Different than me who is a widower who ever married for 19 years.

My advice for you, try to see a woman not only on her physical attractiveness, because if you see a woman only on her physical attractivness, very possible you will fall into wrong woman, who look attractive but has very bad character and personality. Marrying woman like this will only makes you suffer.

Yes, but what the point if you don't be happy with it? Beauty is subjective, everyone has a different view and taste on that. So what you might like I don't and the other way around. I myself am not good looking either, I would say on good days I look average and on bad days really ugly; but this is my personal view. Other people (except my mom) might find me attractive. I know that there are women they find me attractive (a few), but this is there view point. There are a lot of women many men would find them attractive, but I don't.

I don't have a dream women. I just don't want corpulent women, because it's not attractive to me, and it's not healthy to be corpulent. I am not corpulent and try to eat really healthy (less or no meat, no sugar etc.), and like doing sports to keep my body and mind fit (even though my mind is confused lately). So why should I marry someone who is the opposite. I don't expect a model but normal healthy women. Appearance is subjective, there are no ugly people, it is from his or her view.

As I said, I would not turn up appearance over character, but wouldn't marry someone with "perfect" character but subjective less physical appeal. I think there must be at least an atom of physical attractiveness, otherwise I would prefer being single. Because the reason for marriage is to be protected from zinaa, and if you feel not physical attractiveness what's the point? I know marriage is much more than intimacy, don't educate me on that

PS: Sometimes buying a T-Shirt is hard, or to be more precise boxer shorts. It's really difficult to find good one, that fits perfect, but the problem is, you can not try them or return them (what is actually a good think that I support) ^^

It's late, I am tired and apologize for any made mistakes.

 

[AbdurRahman.]

Might be, but why should you do this? As you say if you find someone not only the character beautiful, you will feel attached to that person. I think if you marry someone not attractive but you are physically attracted to will make the marriage successful. That depends from person to person what you're attracted too.

You're right with the part, that depression makes it harder. I really see how my behavior changed in regard to women. Before this depression I was really strict and disciplined with not mixing or at least not talking to women. However, in the last years it changed a bit. I am still aware that this is not right, but I say to myself: I haven't commited any sin in that regard, so I won't do it in the future. That might be a trick by Shaytan. However, I recite Quran as much as possible and keep the Ayah regarding to Zina in mind and fear Allah as much as possible. So inshaAllah, Almighty will prevent me from being one of the evildoers. Another thing is, I cannot really avoid mixing with women because of school and work. I kind of don't take it that serious anymore, because I know my character already, but I am also aware that more pious people than me has fallen into zinaa. So it's a dangerous game and I try to really focus and deal with the situation so Allah is not displeased with me.



I think as you probably to do, that most people don't know how to fight or argue. I remember that I read an hadtih when RasulAllah saw. had a fight with one of his women and he left and went to the masjid and didn't come back after 3 months, if I remember correctly (if you know the hadith, please share it here). Sometimes it's the best to just take a break and calm down. If this bad energy is released often people see that the issue is smaller than it appeared.



Yes, but what the point if you don't be happy with it? Beauty is subjective, everyone has a different view and taste on that. So what you might like I don't and the other way around. I myself am not good looking either, I would say on good days I look average and on bad days really ugly; but this is my personal view. Other people (except my mom) might find me attractive. I know that there are women they find me attractive (a few), but this is there view point. There are a lot of women many men would find them attractive, but I don't.

I don't have a dream women. I just don't want corpulent women, because it's not attractive to me, and it's not healthy to be corpulent. I am not corpulent and try to eat really healthy (less or no meat, no sugar etc.), and like doing sports to keep my body and mind fit (even though my mind is confused lately). So why should I marry someone who is the opposite. I don't expect a model but normal healthy women. Appearance is subjective, there are no ugly people, it is from his or her view.

As I said, I would not turn up appearance over character, but wouldn't marry someone with "perfect" character but subjective less physical appeal. I think there must be at least an atom of physical attractiveness, otherwise I would prefer being single. Because the reason for marriage is to be protected from zinaa, and if you feel not physical attractiveness what's the point? I know marriage is much more than intimacy, don't educate me on that

PS: Sometimes buying a T-Shirt is hard, or to be more precise boxer shorts. It's really difficult to find good one, that fits perfect, but the problem is, you can not try them or return them (what is actually a good think that I support) ^^

It's late, I am tired and apologize for any made mistakes.

Bruv, I'll give you an alternative way to go about this.

If you're not that good looking either, then you never know; you might not find another girl or it may take ages to find

Beauty is only outer thing and it's inner beauty that really matters so If she is practicing and a nice and kind girl then that's what you should look for

And Allah says he puts love and mercy in couples hearts so once you're married you'd get to love one another and that will fix any 'desire' problem there may be

Also, a friend of my sister said something to her which is a bit on the taboo side but I'll tell you it as it can solve your problem. She is very black (A very dark Asian girl) and there is a stupid prejudice in Asian society where they think darker girls are not beautiful

But she said, 'when the lights are off, everyone's got the same thing'

You get that bro???

So don't worry, visually she may not be that pretty, but when the lights will be off both the pretty one and not so pretty one is the same!

 

[Flawed]

You may have. Beautiful spouse but that in itself doesn't create a beautiful relationship. It's the affection that only Allah SWT puts into our hearts for our spouses that makes it beautiful that love is the best feeling you can feel for your spouse. Being lustful and having deep affection from Allah SWT are two very different feelings. One gets cold ovetime the other gets warmer.