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How to know if your wife/husband is impressed by you...
Disclaimer:This article's for the benefit of the Muslims, and is not intended for fitnah. The article allows the person to understand their marriage life better insha Allah. Aswell as give some brief understanding of human psychology. I've tried to put it into note form since its easy and direct to the point insha Allah, and alot of the info. is based on research and studies - so its not personal opinions.
Remember - marriage isnt a challenge like them relationships in jahiliyah where you have to fear competition from outsiders. Its about working together to enhance your relationship while hoping for aid from Allah in all matters related to it.
Below are certain attributes which may seem attractive in a spouse, which you might want to apply to yourself insha Allah. Most of these attributes are within the perfect guide to (sal Allah alaihi wasalam), so try to implement them. Then at the end there'll be some notes on Physical attributes, and how you can figure out whether your wife or husband are impressed by you.
Charm
Charm is something which we hear of a lot but don’t really know what it is. Its usually associated with good, many people want it – since it allows you to make more friends, and it’s the ability to make people like you when you’re in their presence. In simple terms; it’s the ability to make people happy, which in return will make you more happy – without really expecting anything back in return.
Some people think that looks are really important in a relationship, others think wealth, others status. But like we know, we marry someone for their religion. In the past, the Muslims would say that the Jews married for wealth, the Christians for looks, and we for a persons Islam. The same way a persons Islam is extremely important, the same way charm is more important in a relationship (than other physical attributes.) But how does Islam actually make you more charming?
Without Islam, you follow the crowd – imitating those around you in what they do, without thinking too much about what they’re doing, since your only aim is to be accepted, so you accept what they accept.
With Islam – you follow what Allah and His Messenger revealed to us. You know you’re accountable for what you do, so you do think twice before doing anything. This then makes you more aware of who you are, which then makes you more unique – you learn who you are truly are, with the addition of moulding yourself into the Sunnah of Allah’s Messenger. Giving good, not expecting anything in return except from Allah.
We have the Prophet (sal Allah alaihi wasalam) as a role model who was full of charm. That's why his followers shouldn't intermix with stranger women/guys - because their charm may be a source of fitnah without them knowing that they're charming the stranger.
Allah's Messenger gave every person respect, giving noble people who were leaders of clans respect (which convinced them that he wasn't after kingdom in this world), and giving love to the weak, children, and honour to women. He praised them without overpraising them, and being truthful when complimenting them. This is an important rule in charm, because praising someone when its not truthful, or when its exaggerated causes the person to not take it seriously or to heart - which doesn't really affect the person, so you lose in this scenario instead of win.
For example a wife might say to her husband; "you looked really nice today." And just to please her, he might reply "thanks.. you did too." That isn't always clever. He actually made a mistake there, because all he portrayed to her was that he was trying to equal her because she complimented him, almost like giving her a favour for her kind words. What would be more clever is for him to say thanks, and to keep this in mind. Then when he truly saw her later and found her to look beautiful, then he praises that and says that "you look beautiful today, maybe even throw a gift in to further strengthen that compliment." Which makes her happy, that's charm.
Some mistakes in applying 'Charm'
Don't be too absorbed in yourself, rather - give them the attention which you yourself would desire. And then they too will give it in return insha Allah. If they know that you think too much of yourself, and that you're not willing to give up for your own benefit, then they probably won't be attracted to this selfish attitude. The whole concept of relationships is that you give and you get due to trust, love and care.
When you be with someone, you have to prove that you do what you say. If you don't, then what you say really isn't worth much. For example, you hear alot of youth saying that they'll do something krazy to make the one they love laugh, now if they never went ahead with it - the other person would think "is this person cheap or what? he doesn't even do what he says." But if he does it, they laugh together. Its just how life works - theres no point of words if they aren't supported by action. Its usual for a person from the opposite gender to do something which befits their gender role, so guys will usually do something manly to impress a woman, and a woman will do something feminine which will attract the guy. That might be because they're imitating their role, and if someone else from your same gender supersedes you in that - it can sometimes even cause jealousy.. which can be harmful.
Charms also to talk to them like you were thinking about them when they weren't there, to remember something about them which they really love, and to do something which will surprise them - related to what they do love, therefore you're being loved directly because u were the center and cause of something which they really do love.
Things that might seem attractive...
People sometimes find 'risky' people interesting or more fun, compared to 'quiet boys/girls' because they love the adventure behind them, and they might stick by them longer because the person portrays themselves as someone whose got 'alot to offer' - causing the one whose after them to want to continuously be with them, for that 'fun' and that 'clinging on' feeling keeps them on the edge, always afraid to lose them.. with the addition that people might find this risky person more attractive, therefore the person whose with them feels that they've got a 'kool' reputation because they're with this really kool person. But in Islam, we don't harm our partners this way, instead we show them goodness and excitement so they love us and don't want to lose us anyway.
Smile! when you smile at anyone, they can't prevent it, but it comes from them too. It's free but its worth so much!
Mysterious people.. people who might not talk too much, but they still keep their nobility - so people are willing to respect them and hear them out when they do speak. these people seem interesting, because they don't give themselves up 'freely' to others, compared to those who talk all the time. So that when they do talk - everyones head turns towards their direction. I've seen some people trying to portray themselves as 'mysterious' this way, but it just doesn't work unless its accompanied by this being your real personality.
People reach their peak of physical strength uptill the age of 33 (that might be why the people of jannah are 33), after that it goes downhill again. its for men and women alike. the word 'peak' was mentioned there, therefore someone who is more older [yet below 33] will look more attractive to someone who is slightly older than them. i.e. some guys wouldn't mind being married to a woman whose slightly older than them so long as she isn't too old, because they like the concept of a mature woman as a wife and they might find it more interesting too, and this is a fact for women wanting a maturer husband (although some may differ.) however, once the people themselves go old, they would prefer a younger one because they have gone past that peak level, and everyone loves the tastes of youth.
The man whose wives stayed with him..
There was this man who had alot of wives when he was old. People asked him how he had so much wives at such an old age. He replied: When i was young, they stayed with me because of my youth and beauty. When i was maturer, they stayed with me because of my wealth, and now that i'm old - they stay with me because of my good manners and personality.
Signs
Below are a few signs when your with your partner to see whether they really like you when your together on a special occasion - (especially at the beginning of the marriage);
S/he Keeps an eye on his/herself- so they focus alot on their looks when you're together, especially when you got a special occasion together. Like they check up on themself to make sure they look right for you. Both guys and females might touch their hair to feel that its in place, or fix their clothing etc.
They ask about your family - if you are close to your family, u might be more warmer, it might hint at the fact that you want family of your own, and your personality may be shown through what type of family your from.
They're attentive - focusing on you more than other things. they can get distracted easily if they're not interested. One sign of distraction might be a loss of eye contact in the middle of conversation (but that also depends on your shyness level.)
Touch - she might touch you alot for jokes, like giving attention and wants it back too. Guys usually tease a girl which they like, especially when they're young. When people are older though, they usually have different ways of expressing themselves - you know what they are if you understand your partner well.
The longer lasting the person wants to carry on i.e. for a meal together - that might be because they enjoying it. if they want to end quick, might be because of opposite (not necessarily though, because women care about other matters too whereas men might be able to put them on the back of their minds more easily). i.e. a woman might not enjoy a meal together because she's got the kids on the back of her mind as a source of worry.
No no's..
When you argue too much, you first get closer to each other after the first sincere apology.. then you argue again, and whoever caused it has to be sorry, but the more you argue, the more you distance from each other, because you leave scars behind. so try not to argue too much, that'll make the person feel that they've got more to lose (of goodness from you) - so they too will want to get back with you this way.
Balance everything out, if someone is becoming tighter (like a rope knot) [i.e. due to anger], you loosen yourself and relax so the knot doesn't go tighter (because if it goes too tight - you can't open up the knot again.)
Allow them to express themselves in a legitimate way [this is important so they can release their grief instead of locking it up inside] so they can be heard, then help them calm down by telling them that 'you understand them.' Then try to make them happy to change the mood from heaviness to light.
No debating!
Don't always argue or debate with each other, especially when you know that debating will cause more problems. debating is done to make your point heard so that it benefits the hearer. If you know they won't benefit from it, then whats the point of arguing over something which u can't agree on? All it does is escalate friction between you two further.
Alot of people even argue, beat or even divorce their wives simply because they dont cook well! one piece of advice which i've noticed is this; without islam, people will accept the pressures of society and argue that a wife is a 'bad wife' if she doesnt cook well, or anything irrelevant which is measured in a worldly scale. But we know quite well that Aa'isha herself was NOT a good cook, but she was the 2nd most beloved wife to Allah's Messenger (sal Allah alaihi wasalam. [after Khadijah]) Therefore, if your wife lacks some worldly qualities, accept that or help her to achieve them, but that doesn't mean she's a bad wife, someone can only be bad if they have unIslamic attitudes, and don't want to correct them. So base your concepts of good and bad on Islam, and give alot of free space to your partner in what they can't achieve, while helping them in achieving what you want them to be like (this includes you striving to help change yourself too! to what they like.) I personally dont like restrictions on myself, since less restrictions or rules can make life simpler, so i wouldn't want to restrict another either.
Ibn Abbas said, “I verily adorn myself for my wife the same as she adorns herself for me. Also I would not ask her to fulfill all the rights which she owes me, so that it would become binding upon me to fulfill all the rights which I owe her”
[Tafsir Ibn Kathir - Hasan]
For both: don't impose too much on each other or force them to do something which they don't really like, it really puts people off because people naturally hate force and oppression. if a person lacks in a certain quality, u probably also lack in some which they like. i personally think that there are prohibitions in islam, so stick to them limits, and try not to make too much prohibitions for yourself and your partner.
Some people might argue with someone else.. and they think continuously, not for a real solution to their problem - but just to prove their point, so they don't lose their honour (even though the thing might be permissible i.e. her visiting her relatives.)
Like I know of an example where theres this young woman who wants something her way, but the father in law will say to her 'no, you cant.' [i know some will say that its the husbands decision, but what is he supposed to do if his father will cause arguments if he lets her go?]. The girl will get frustrated and won't be happy with the situation, maybe even complaining about it to her husband. So the husband will be in a tough situation, not really knowing who to side for, because if he does one thing - the other side will say that he betrayed them. So the wife should keep this in mind, that he is in a tough situation. And the inlaws should also be aware of this. This situation puts the guy through alot of stress and may lead to a worser situation i.e. him distancing from the family, or even divorcing the wife. Patience is important, but so is trying to find a conclusion both sides can agree to.
Along with this scenario, the inlaws may justify that the girl can't do one thing or another simply because "the other daughter inlaw down the street doesn't either." this doesn't justify the situation too, since that isnt the end of the problem.
I know of a family where the daughter in law complains that she can't visit her relatives, the inlaws say she cant - and they say that even the other daughter in law whose a cousin can't, the funny thing is though that this other girl doesn't really have any relatives she can visit. Plus, you have to see the background of each person individually, one girl may have visited her relatives alot before the marriage whereas another may not have close relatives. So take each person as an individual.
The 3 Needs Pyramid
Remember that theres 3 needs an average person goes through [in chronological order];
1) Physical needs- these involve; water, food, shelter, etc.
once the person has all his physical needs fulfilled to the basic level, his mind has desire for some form of social connection.
2) Social needs. - these involve people who love and care for you, a place of shelter but with other social protection and belonging, and connection with others for other personal requirements.
Once the person has his social needs fulfilled, they still feel empty. A great deal of the non muslims in the west only reach upto this stage but lack the 3rd. Which usually leads to them still feeling that 'empty' feeling inside of them.
3) Spiritual needs- This is the stage where you feel you need connection with Allah, and we know its the fitrah [natural disposition.] An example of this can be to get the inner peace, a personal level of safety. To feel a higher purpose, and we know that this is achieved through Islam.
something similar to it is the Pyramid of Maslow which might be useful to study:
http://www.timlebon.com/maslow.htm
So keep these concepts in mind, because your partner may complain about certain issues. You will need to look at the situation to see what concept their complaining about, evaluate it by seeing the condition that they really are in - and to aid them in that (depending on where they are in the pyramid) - which will help you insha Allah in helping them in the right direction.
This way, they'll be happy that you're aware of their situation. And they'll say "I like my partner because he/she understands me..." or "you really know how to make someone happy, may Allah reward you."
Women from mars men from jupiter (yeah yeah, that book);
Men, being from Mars, think before they feel. When men discuss problems, they do not commiserate, they offer solutions. This creates a huge communication gap in relationships, because a woman wants emotional support while the guy without knowing it suggests a resolution. Neither side is right or wrong, but women are created to be feelers and men are hard wired to be thinkers (this is something praiseworthy for each party because females focus more on emotion, and males focus more on thinking, so both are specialised in their own fields.) Understanding that he is not being callous/hard hearted or short when he tells you what he thinks rather than what he feels will score you lots of points.
Remember that guys think of solving problems alone, while women like to share their emotions with the guy. There can be clashes if each side doesn't listen to the other, so give some attention, aswell as some space to each other in a balanced way. Its also amazing to figure that women are more emotional because children need that emotional upbringing, and men are more focused on thinking ahead - so they lack as much emotion, but this thinking helps them keep the child safe in the long run (i.e. future planning/thinking ahead).
Complaining isn't always good
Don't always complain about your problems, there's the right times for it - but to always make people feel sorry for you puts them off from wanting to be with you. they want to be with someone who makes them smile, and enjoy themselves. there's some time for this, and there's sometime for that. always follow that middle, balanced path to get the right results.
continued insha Allah...
How to know if your wife/husband is impressed by you...
Disclaimer:This article's for the benefit of the Muslims, and is not intended for fitnah. The article allows the person to understand their marriage life better insha Allah. Aswell as give some brief understanding of human psychology. I've tried to put it into note form since its easy and direct to the point insha Allah, and alot of the info. is based on research and studies - so its not personal opinions.
Remember - marriage isnt a challenge like them relationships in jahiliyah where you have to fear competition from outsiders. Its about working together to enhance your relationship while hoping for aid from Allah in all matters related to it.
Below are certain attributes which may seem attractive in a spouse, which you might want to apply to yourself insha Allah. Most of these attributes are within the perfect guide to (sal Allah alaihi wasalam), so try to implement them. Then at the end there'll be some notes on Physical attributes, and how you can figure out whether your wife or husband are impressed by you.
Charm
Charm is something which we hear of a lot but don’t really know what it is. Its usually associated with good, many people want it – since it allows you to make more friends, and it’s the ability to make people like you when you’re in their presence. In simple terms; it’s the ability to make people happy, which in return will make you more happy – without really expecting anything back in return.
Some people think that looks are really important in a relationship, others think wealth, others status. But like we know, we marry someone for their religion. In the past, the Muslims would say that the Jews married for wealth, the Christians for looks, and we for a persons Islam. The same way a persons Islam is extremely important, the same way charm is more important in a relationship (than other physical attributes.) But how does Islam actually make you more charming?
Without Islam, you follow the crowd – imitating those around you in what they do, without thinking too much about what they’re doing, since your only aim is to be accepted, so you accept what they accept.
With Islam – you follow what Allah and His Messenger revealed to us. You know you’re accountable for what you do, so you do think twice before doing anything. This then makes you more aware of who you are, which then makes you more unique – you learn who you are truly are, with the addition of moulding yourself into the Sunnah of Allah’s Messenger. Giving good, not expecting anything in return except from Allah.
We have the Prophet (sal Allah alaihi wasalam) as a role model who was full of charm. That's why his followers shouldn't intermix with stranger women/guys - because their charm may be a source of fitnah without them knowing that they're charming the stranger.
Allah's Messenger gave every person respect, giving noble people who were leaders of clans respect (which convinced them that he wasn't after kingdom in this world), and giving love to the weak, children, and honour to women. He praised them without overpraising them, and being truthful when complimenting them. This is an important rule in charm, because praising someone when its not truthful, or when its exaggerated causes the person to not take it seriously or to heart - which doesn't really affect the person, so you lose in this scenario instead of win.
For example a wife might say to her husband; "you looked really nice today." And just to please her, he might reply "thanks.. you did too." That isn't always clever. He actually made a mistake there, because all he portrayed to her was that he was trying to equal her because she complimented him, almost like giving her a favour for her kind words. What would be more clever is for him to say thanks, and to keep this in mind. Then when he truly saw her later and found her to look beautiful, then he praises that and says that "you look beautiful today, maybe even throw a gift in to further strengthen that compliment." Which makes her happy, that's charm.
Some mistakes in applying 'Charm'
Don't be too absorbed in yourself, rather - give them the attention which you yourself would desire. And then they too will give it in return insha Allah. If they know that you think too much of yourself, and that you're not willing to give up for your own benefit, then they probably won't be attracted to this selfish attitude. The whole concept of relationships is that you give and you get due to trust, love and care.
When you be with someone, you have to prove that you do what you say. If you don't, then what you say really isn't worth much. For example, you hear alot of youth saying that they'll do something krazy to make the one they love laugh, now if they never went ahead with it - the other person would think "is this person cheap or what? he doesn't even do what he says." But if he does it, they laugh together. Its just how life works - theres no point of words if they aren't supported by action. Its usual for a person from the opposite gender to do something which befits their gender role, so guys will usually do something manly to impress a woman, and a woman will do something feminine which will attract the guy. That might be because they're imitating their role, and if someone else from your same gender supersedes you in that - it can sometimes even cause jealousy.. which can be harmful.
Charms also to talk to them like you were thinking about them when they weren't there, to remember something about them which they really love, and to do something which will surprise them - related to what they do love, therefore you're being loved directly because u were the center and cause of something which they really do love.
Things that might seem attractive...
People sometimes find 'risky' people interesting or more fun, compared to 'quiet boys/girls' because they love the adventure behind them, and they might stick by them longer because the person portrays themselves as someone whose got 'alot to offer' - causing the one whose after them to want to continuously be with them, for that 'fun' and that 'clinging on' feeling keeps them on the edge, always afraid to lose them.. with the addition that people might find this risky person more attractive, therefore the person whose with them feels that they've got a 'kool' reputation because they're with this really kool person. But in Islam, we don't harm our partners this way, instead we show them goodness and excitement so they love us and don't want to lose us anyway.
Smile! when you smile at anyone, they can't prevent it, but it comes from them too. It's free but its worth so much!
Mysterious people.. people who might not talk too much, but they still keep their nobility - so people are willing to respect them and hear them out when they do speak. these people seem interesting, because they don't give themselves up 'freely' to others, compared to those who talk all the time. So that when they do talk - everyones head turns towards their direction. I've seen some people trying to portray themselves as 'mysterious' this way, but it just doesn't work unless its accompanied by this being your real personality.
People reach their peak of physical strength uptill the age of 33 (that might be why the people of jannah are 33), after that it goes downhill again. its for men and women alike. the word 'peak' was mentioned there, therefore someone who is more older [yet below 33] will look more attractive to someone who is slightly older than them. i.e. some guys wouldn't mind being married to a woman whose slightly older than them so long as she isn't too old, because they like the concept of a mature woman as a wife and they might find it more interesting too, and this is a fact for women wanting a maturer husband (although some may differ.) however, once the people themselves go old, they would prefer a younger one because they have gone past that peak level, and everyone loves the tastes of youth.
The man whose wives stayed with him..
There was this man who had alot of wives when he was old. People asked him how he had so much wives at such an old age. He replied: When i was young, they stayed with me because of my youth and beauty. When i was maturer, they stayed with me because of my wealth, and now that i'm old - they stay with me because of my good manners and personality.
Signs
Below are a few signs when your with your partner to see whether they really like you when your together on a special occasion - (especially at the beginning of the marriage);
S/he Keeps an eye on his/herself- so they focus alot on their looks when you're together, especially when you got a special occasion together. Like they check up on themself to make sure they look right for you. Both guys and females might touch their hair to feel that its in place, or fix their clothing etc.
They ask about your family - if you are close to your family, u might be more warmer, it might hint at the fact that you want family of your own, and your personality may be shown through what type of family your from.
They're attentive - focusing on you more than other things. they can get distracted easily if they're not interested. One sign of distraction might be a loss of eye contact in the middle of conversation (but that also depends on your shyness level.)
Touch - she might touch you alot for jokes, like giving attention and wants it back too. Guys usually tease a girl which they like, especially when they're young. When people are older though, they usually have different ways of expressing themselves - you know what they are if you understand your partner well.
The longer lasting the person wants to carry on i.e. for a meal together - that might be because they enjoying it. if they want to end quick, might be because of opposite (not necessarily though, because women care about other matters too whereas men might be able to put them on the back of their minds more easily). i.e. a woman might not enjoy a meal together because she's got the kids on the back of her mind as a source of worry.
No no's..
When you argue too much, you first get closer to each other after the first sincere apology.. then you argue again, and whoever caused it has to be sorry, but the more you argue, the more you distance from each other, because you leave scars behind. so try not to argue too much, that'll make the person feel that they've got more to lose (of goodness from you) - so they too will want to get back with you this way.
Balance everything out, if someone is becoming tighter (like a rope knot) [i.e. due to anger], you loosen yourself and relax so the knot doesn't go tighter (because if it goes too tight - you can't open up the knot again.)
Allow them to express themselves in a legitimate way [this is important so they can release their grief instead of locking it up inside] so they can be heard, then help them calm down by telling them that 'you understand them.' Then try to make them happy to change the mood from heaviness to light.
No debating!
Don't always argue or debate with each other, especially when you know that debating will cause more problems. debating is done to make your point heard so that it benefits the hearer. If you know they won't benefit from it, then whats the point of arguing over something which u can't agree on? All it does is escalate friction between you two further.
Alot of people even argue, beat or even divorce their wives simply because they dont cook well! one piece of advice which i've noticed is this; without islam, people will accept the pressures of society and argue that a wife is a 'bad wife' if she doesnt cook well, or anything irrelevant which is measured in a worldly scale. But we know quite well that Aa'isha herself was NOT a good cook, but she was the 2nd most beloved wife to Allah's Messenger (sal Allah alaihi wasalam. [after Khadijah]) Therefore, if your wife lacks some worldly qualities, accept that or help her to achieve them, but that doesn't mean she's a bad wife, someone can only be bad if they have unIslamic attitudes, and don't want to correct them. So base your concepts of good and bad on Islam, and give alot of free space to your partner in what they can't achieve, while helping them in achieving what you want them to be like (this includes you striving to help change yourself too! to what they like.) I personally dont like restrictions on myself, since less restrictions or rules can make life simpler, so i wouldn't want to restrict another either.
Ibn Abbas said, “I verily adorn myself for my wife the same as she adorns herself for me. Also I would not ask her to fulfill all the rights which she owes me, so that it would become binding upon me to fulfill all the rights which I owe her”
[Tafsir Ibn Kathir - Hasan]
For both: don't impose too much on each other or force them to do something which they don't really like, it really puts people off because people naturally hate force and oppression. if a person lacks in a certain quality, u probably also lack in some which they like. i personally think that there are prohibitions in islam, so stick to them limits, and try not to make too much prohibitions for yourself and your partner.
Some people might argue with someone else.. and they think continuously, not for a real solution to their problem - but just to prove their point, so they don't lose their honour (even though the thing might be permissible i.e. her visiting her relatives.)
Like I know of an example where theres this young woman who wants something her way, but the father in law will say to her 'no, you cant.' [i know some will say that its the husbands decision, but what is he supposed to do if his father will cause arguments if he lets her go?]. The girl will get frustrated and won't be happy with the situation, maybe even complaining about it to her husband. So the husband will be in a tough situation, not really knowing who to side for, because if he does one thing - the other side will say that he betrayed them. So the wife should keep this in mind, that he is in a tough situation. And the inlaws should also be aware of this. This situation puts the guy through alot of stress and may lead to a worser situation i.e. him distancing from the family, or even divorcing the wife. Patience is important, but so is trying to find a conclusion both sides can agree to.
Along with this scenario, the inlaws may justify that the girl can't do one thing or another simply because "the other daughter inlaw down the street doesn't either." this doesn't justify the situation too, since that isnt the end of the problem.
I know of a family where the daughter in law complains that she can't visit her relatives, the inlaws say she cant - and they say that even the other daughter in law whose a cousin can't, the funny thing is though that this other girl doesn't really have any relatives she can visit. Plus, you have to see the background of each person individually, one girl may have visited her relatives alot before the marriage whereas another may not have close relatives. So take each person as an individual.
The 3 Needs Pyramid
Remember that theres 3 needs an average person goes through [in chronological order];
1) Physical needs- these involve; water, food, shelter, etc.
once the person has all his physical needs fulfilled to the basic level, his mind has desire for some form of social connection.
2) Social needs. - these involve people who love and care for you, a place of shelter but with other social protection and belonging, and connection with others for other personal requirements.
Once the person has his social needs fulfilled, they still feel empty. A great deal of the non muslims in the west only reach upto this stage but lack the 3rd. Which usually leads to them still feeling that 'empty' feeling inside of them.
3) Spiritual needs- This is the stage where you feel you need connection with Allah, and we know its the fitrah [natural disposition.] An example of this can be to get the inner peace, a personal level of safety. To feel a higher purpose, and we know that this is achieved through Islam.
something similar to it is the Pyramid of Maslow which might be useful to study:
http://www.timlebon.com/maslow.htm
This way, they'll be happy that you're aware of their situation. And they'll say "I like my partner because he/she understands me..." or "you really know how to make someone happy, may Allah reward you."
Women from mars men from jupiter (yeah yeah, that book);
Men, being from Mars, think before they feel. When men discuss problems, they do not commiserate, they offer solutions. This creates a huge communication gap in relationships, because a woman wants emotional support while the guy without knowing it suggests a resolution. Neither side is right or wrong, but women are created to be feelers and men are hard wired to be thinkers (this is something praiseworthy for each party because females focus more on emotion, and males focus more on thinking, so both are specialised in their own fields.) Understanding that he is not being callous/hard hearted or short when he tells you what he thinks rather than what he feels will score you lots of points.
Remember that guys think of solving problems alone, while women like to share their emotions with the guy. There can be clashes if each side doesn't listen to the other, so give some attention, aswell as some space to each other in a balanced way. Its also amazing to figure that women are more emotional because children need that emotional upbringing, and men are more focused on thinking ahead - so they lack as much emotion, but this thinking helps them keep the child safe in the long run (i.e. future planning/thinking ahead).
Complaining isn't always good
Don't always complain about your problems, there's the right times for it - but to always make people feel sorry for you puts them off from wanting to be with you. they want to be with someone who makes them smile, and enjoy themselves. there's some time for this, and there's sometime for that. always follow that middle, balanced path to get the right results.
continued insha Allah...
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For smells, in addition to what you mentioned, I think vanilla and cinnamon scents are known aphrodisiacs..so that would be helpful to have on in the case of a married couple.
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